[marky1985]

So about a year ago, I wrote a letter to my birthmother. It was the first contact made, and she refused any further contact by having one of her family members call me.

I have just recently found out the names of my birth-brothers and sisters. I would love to talk with them and I feel that they have the right to know about me and decide for themselves if they want to meet me.

But....should I go behind my b-moms back and make contact with them??? ((My brother is in his 20's but my the rest of my siblings are still in their teens))

I don't want to tear up their family (especially if they don't know about me) but I feel that I have the right to make contact.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by marky1985

So about a year ago, I wrote a letter to my birthmother. It was the first contact made, and she refused any further contact by having one of her family members call me.

I have just recently found out the names of my birth-brothers and sisters. I would love to talk with them and I feel that they have the right to know about me and decide for themselves if they want to meet me.

But....should I go behind my b-moms back and make contact with them??? ((My brother is in his 20's but my the rest of my siblings are still in their teens))

I don't want to tear up their family (especially if they don't know about me) but I feel that I have the right to make contact.

Timing is everything and intermediaries are helpful. You are right that it may tear up the family who may or may not reject you - and it opens up a can of worms for your bmother, as there may be very definite reasons as to why she doesn't want contact at this moment in time. That could change, but then again it may not.

You mention that some of the siblings are teenagers and presumably living at home. If the news hits the fan and they get to learn the reasons, it could make life very uncomfortable, as they may take sides and it may make it painful for you or painful for your bmother who now is 'outed' and it definitely will be pain all around.

Is it possible that you could out of two options: wait until teenagers are no longer so and make contact with them when they are possibly ready to leave home. Or, is it possible that an intermediary can approach them on your behalf and that will take away some of the heat whilst they make a decision as to how they feel about having a sister? Either way, may I ask how much preparation you made before you contacted your mom, i.e. in understanding what bmothers go through for the rest of their lives, their feelings, the catch22 they find themselves in, the possible pressures from husband, the possible responses from siblings as they may be angry they were never told, or if told, they may reject you outright. Have you a network of support to help you through all of this, because preparation is absolutely essential. All emotions are hurt in reunion, even when a good response is received. What seems like a honeymoon period suddenly explodes into confused emotions, pull back, misunderstandings, hurt like you wouldn't believe. Have you read Primal Wound to understand yourself better and The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide to aid you in all of this?

I think as soon as one insists on 'rights' then its a no go. Sensitivity and compassion, forgiveness and understanding are essential and from those that I've seen in the past, as soon as 'rights' come into it, hackles are up, legalities are explored and its not a good way to approach reunion with bmother and/or siblings. What is true today (rejection) may not be true tomorrow or months to come. There are so many complex issues involved, have you read Coming Home To Self?

Just a few thoughts to put your way.

Janny

[txrnr]

While I would agree they have the right to know about you, I'm not sure you should be the one to tell them. Do you know anything about the family dynamics? Reappearing in our birthparent.s live is one thing. They are the only one with answers for us. Siblings seems to me to be on a different level. We run the risk of interfering with their lives, and being a disruption when they owe us nothing. Can you contact the family member that passed the message from your birthmom? Maybe they can be of some help.

Tricky question. Good luck!

[Dickons]

Once they are adults I think it is fine to contact. Be ready for both good and bad reactions. They are your siblings...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[rubornn61]

My mom was the same way when she met my sister for the first time some twenty years ago. My sister and I were both in our early twenties (I was single running around having a good time no worries kinda life) though I was not living under my mom's roof I still felt this hold she had over me, so for me to follow up with her I felt like I couldn't because of my mom. Now I never forgot about my sister and when I reached my thirties I felt somethng missing in my life. I mean I always felt that way all my life I just couldn't put my finger on it. Once I hit my thirties Becky (I think that is her name) she was always on my mind. It was than that I realized she wa the missing link in my life. Now that we are both in our fourties I REALLY think about her and I too am going behind my entire families back and searching for her. Her and I missed each others weddings, birth of children, deaths, divorces things we should have shared. Think about that as you make your decision. I lost twenty years with my sister and I would do anything to get just one day of that back. Like I said I was in my early twenties when I found out about Becky...twenty years later I regret not chasing her down. We lost twenty years because I didn't want to hurt someone elses feelings. Best Wishes to you.

[DaisyBelle]

I would like to address your issue from the other side - that of the birthmother. I don't know how old you are or all the circumstances, but PLEASE before you disrupt your birthmother's family, think how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot!! What if you are married, have children but don't want any contact from your birthmother - for whatever reason. How would you feel if she went behind your back because she wanted to know her grandchildren? Especially if those children were still minors. There are two sides to every circumstance and in reading the posts here and on other discussions it always seem slanted to the adopted person and not the person who made a sacrifice in giving up their child for adoption.

More often than not we are the "evil, uncaring" person. But you don't know what we went through - and unless you are in our shoes will never know. And I guess that while you may not agree with the choice we made to give you up, it sure was better than abortion.

I guess my advise to you is to think about the Pandora's box you may be opening. And you may be actually alianating your self from your siblings rather than being a part of their life.

Just MY thoughs.

[longingtomeetyou]

i just wanted to say im sry your birthmom doesnt want contact
thats gotta be tough to hear

i would never turn my daughter away


how old are you if you dont mind me asking

[mlassi]

Have you thought about writing her a letter and explaining that you may contact your siblings? Perhaps that will open things up, or at least give her a heads up as to what you plan to do. I have agreed not to contact any of my bfam on my mother's side at her request. It's very hard not to contact them but I respect her privacy.
Mary

[dpen6]

In my opinion they are still to young to contact. I think it would cause more problems then anything. Try to be patient and waait until they are more into their adult years.

[mn125]

Originally Posted by marky1985

So about a year ago, I wrote a letter to my birthmother. It was the first contact made, and she refused any further contact by having one of her family members call me.

I too found a mom that didnt want to be found (I used an intermediary- but NO info was exchanged between us) My Mother signed a contact veto thru the court system.

5 years after contact with my Mother, I went on to find 5 siblings (all 30+ years old), and I struggled with what to do with that info. With my support group behind me, I decided I had nothing to loose in letting my sibs know the truth about me. I wrote them each a letter- and told them whatever they wanted to do from that point on would be totally up to them. I just felt they deserved the truth.

Happliy- but with struggles- they all accepted me fully while mom continued to deny me.
It wasn't at all easy- for any of us.

I hope you are able to join and attend an adoption support group. I understand the limbo you must feel without any answers. Hang in there.

Has anyone shared the article by Carole Anderson with you? called "why won't my mother meet me?" It helped me so very much get a better feel of what my Mother may have gone thru and was feeling. If you need the link- pm me. I'd be glad to share.

[rainmon]

yes I also think you should only contact them later when they are adults.... and letting her know nicely, that you will wait to ask if any one of them would like to get to know you until after they are adults, and would then give her a heads up to let them know about you in case they have no clue that you even exist.

[susieloo]

View from another birthmum...in reunion 11yrs.
I had a discussion this evening with a friends sister inlaw, who I had just met. Turns out she is an adoptee, in her 40's, and she too had been rejected by her birthmum. (Always claws at my heart when I hear that.)
My first question to her was " Have you any siblings?".
I asked that because I feel anyone has the perfect right to bypass the birthmum if she rejects you.
It is not just about the birthmum. It involves whole families, and the generations to come.
As a bmum from the closed era, and one who has read zillions on the history of adoption I have a good understanding of what us bmums did go thru. The shame, lies and secrecy quite frankly did my head in.
However, if we really chose to call ourselves mums we need to get over ourselves quite frankly. It does sound harsh I know, but no matter what happened...these are still our children, our flesh and blood and I think it only moral that they be acknowleged. Which leads me to my next point....if the bmum for whatever ever reason refuses contact, well sorry lady but it doesnt stop with you.. Other people are involved and as ruborn61 said...time is tooooo precious to waste.
BUT>>>> as the others stated not something to rush into....do your homework....maybe have another go with ur birthmum, because I bet she has done alot of thinking since ur initial contact. And as was suggested...maybe let her know you are thinking of contacting ur siblings if there is still no luck with her.
My reunion brought up all sorts of stuff for me, and it was soooo hard, and I wouldnt change a thing. It has been worth every tear to have her back in my life.and......it still does my head in!!!
The best of luck with whatever you decide...there is some good advice here...sift through and use what is best for you.
Susie

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by susieloo

View from another birthmum...in reunion 11yrs. I had a discussion this evening with a friends sister inlaw, who I had just met. Turns out she is an adoptee, in her 40's, and she too had been rejected by her birthmum. (Always claws at my heart when I hear that.) My first question to her was " Have you any siblings?".I asked that because I feel anyone has the perfect right to bypass the birthmum if she rejects you.

It is not just about the birthmum. It involves whole families, and the generations to come.

As a bmum from the closed era, and one who has read zillions on the history of adoption I have a good understanding of what us bmums did go thru. The shame, lies and secrecy quite frankly did my head in.

However, if we really chose to call ourselves mums we need to get over ourselves quite frankly. It does sound harsh I know, but no matter what happened...these are still our children, our flesh and blood and I think it only moral that they be acknowleged.

Which leads me to my next point....if the bmum for whatever ever reason refuses contact, well sorry lady but it doesnt stop with you.. Other people are involved and as ruborn61 said...time is tooooo precious to waste.

BUT>>>> as the others stated not something to rush into....do your homework....maybe have another go with ur birthmum, because I bet she has done alot of thinking since ur initial contact. And as was suggested...maybe let her know you are thinking of contacting ur siblings if there is still no luck with her.
My reunion brought up all sorts of stuff for me, and it was soooo hard, and I wouldnt change a thing. It has been worth every tear to have her back in my life.and......it still does my head in!!!
The best of luck with whatever you decide...there is some good advice here...sift through and use what is best for you.
Susie

Good post Susie, I like the points you've raised. I just would like to draw attention to one situation on another forum which opened my eyes some to situations I hadn't contemplated.

An adoptee, guy, felt bitterly let down because his mother quite strongly rejected his contact 10 years before his post. He felt awful, as you can imagine, and it made him quite bitter. But tears came to my eyes, as I read his post, as it turned out that his mom had had pressure of an unexpected kind... her husband (This didn't come to light until second contact was made). He was having none of it, and gave his wife the marching orders to give to her son, when it came to him turning up out of the blue. Now I am not in a position to judge what she did, but I'm just giving this example to show that we really don't know what is going on behind the scenes, the inherent cruelty of a partner, or whether there is violence involved.... fear and social strata does funny things to people .. and his mother was living in a part of the UK that doesn't exactly have the biggest reputation for understanding this kind of thing.

For example, illegitimacy was treated in an ugly fashion when in the same part of the country, an adoptee's hand that was about to be shaken by 'family' was dropped when the person realised they were illegitimate and they were told that blood wasn't that thick. The callousness made me cry out when I read it.

But the tears of joy when the post I was originally talking about, when he said that he was meeting his mother for the first time.. next week... 10 years after his first contact. Just wanted to highlight that as much as some mothers may want contact, there can be terrible consequences if they do, with family or social barriers - depending what part of the world they live in. But great post and points you've made. I'm not condoning anything, I'm just presenting it as something that happens, and its a shame that some parts of society are not as enlightened as we'd like to think or hope they are, and unfortunately, some social barriers can be overwhelming to the point of rejecting a son or daughter. I'm all for overcoming this, but I know from my own experience, how deep the stigma can be, and how much it bites, even when society today appears to have completely reversed its take on single mothers.

Now 30 years on, after much counselling, I'm only just starting to get through the stigma, the devastating emotions that burned me back when I relinquished and hadn't left by the time my son found me. Some mothers, can never face reunion .. (as Julie Bailey in Adoption Reunion Survival Guide points out) as the pain is too deep, the psychological scars too overwhelming.

I enjoyed the spirit of what you are saying though.

[susieloo]

Thanks Janny.
I know I know I know I know what you mean....and yes I do empathise. I'm sure husbands are quite a large cause of rejection ( thank god not mine), and for every situation we hear off I bet there are plenty more
My heads racing now tho...and as I started to write another thought raced thru my head....so we adopted our babies because there wasn't a man....and we reject again because of a man?
Kinda makes us fairly meek beings doesn't it.
Susie

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by susieloo

Thanks Janny.
I know I know I know I know what you mean....and yes I do empathise. I'm sure husbands are quite a large cause of rejection ( thank god not mine), and for every situation we hear off I bet there are plenty more
My heads racing now tho...and as I started to write another thought raced thru my head....so we adopted our babies because there wasn't a man....and we reject again because of a man?
Kinda makes us fairly meek beings doesn't it.
Susie

I've never been subservient to a man, never married, in fact, been single so very long, that I guess I'm a force to be reckoned with, but I can imagine, and I've seen the effect - of women who hang in there with a man who rules the roost and after many years of it, I can see why it makes it difficult. Why they are subdued, why they don't fight. Many many years of being on the end of that... I don't know if it would make me submit... who knows? How can we put ourselves in their positions? We can try, but if our personalities are different...

I've always had a lion like personality, some are much more subservient and acquiesing, but I try not to compare, because we are all just different, going about things so ......uh......differently.. who knows that if I were in the same position whether I would do it the same..??? I'm sad today. I've read the news and the world is... sad. So much that needs sorting out.... Have to go, run out of time. Bye for now! love Janny