[ruthere]

At the age of 18 I placed a baby boy up for adoption. I think, thru this website, I have located him. What do I say....should I contact his parents first....I am in a quandry as to what to do. He is now 26 yrs old...an adult. I have his parents address, at least I think it is them. Do I call and say "I think I gave birth to your son"? HELP!

[Jan18]

If he is 26 years old I think you should contact him. Is his info. posted here? If so, then I think he is wanting contact or at least interested!!! Good luck!

[kakuehl]

It's an exciting and scarey place to be, isn't it? I found my birth son through this site two years ago. What I did was to email D's parents (actually adad) and asked if he had an adopted son who was born on ____ date at ___ hospital. After he confirmed that, I told him more about myself. D's parents sat him down and gave him the info. He contacted me by email about a month later.

I can't say if that's the best way to do it for you. Do you have his addess as well? D was 32 when I found him; it turned out to be a good time for him. Earlier would not have been.

Good luck with your decision on how to move forward from here. (How far above the ground are you feet?) Welcome to the rollercoaster that is reunion.

[RavenSong]

Personally, I would contact your son directly, since he is a full-fledged adult at the age of 26.

When I reunited with my son, he had just turned 18. I involved his adoptive parents in our reunion process, which went well for the first decade or so. He was a very young 18 at the time, so I just thought it would be easier on everybody involved if we all got to know each other.

The one thing that I thought was really important in my decision to develop a relationship with DS's parents at the beginning of the reunion process was that I wanted them to feel totally secure in it and not be afraid of me for any reason. I think it helped them a lot to know they had my respect and appreciation.

Dealing with a 26-year-old is a lot different than dealing with an 18-year-old, however. He may feel offended if you go thru his parents first. Maybe some adoptees will chime in here soon about their feelings on the subject.

Good luck! You must be soooo excited!!!

[kakuehl]

I should perhaps mention that the reason I contacted D's parents was because I didn't have current information on D. He had moved only 6-7 months before. (The irony is that prior to moving, he was my sisters next door neighbor and we never knew it)

[jrainbow]

I'm an adoptee. My opinion is to contact him directly if he is 26. By 26, I had been married several years and had a child. I would definitely been upset if someone had contacted my aparents - because it would have hurt them.

Just my opinion.

Good luck.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by ruthere

At the age of 18 I placed a baby boy up for adoption. I think, thru this website, I have located him. What do I say....should I contact his parents first....I am in a quandry as to what to do. He is now 26 yrs old...an adult. I have his parents address, at least I think it is them. Do I call and say "I think I gave birth to your son"? HELP!

At this stage you do not really know how the adoptive parents would feel about your contact. They for example may hide any correspondence or attempts to contact your son. Also, your son may not feel comfortable with their knowing about your wish for contact, as he knows them best and what their reaction is likely to be. You also don't know what kind of upbringing he has had (happy, not?) and whether he would like to keep you apart for a while (as my son has indicated).

I agree with the others, contact him direct. I personally would not encourage a phone call. If I'd have had such a phone call after 26 years i think I would be too blown out of the water to respond!!!

I would encourage a brief note that doesn't say too much that gives him the choice of contacting you or an intermediary. This is an example of what my son sent me, which I changed to suit your circumstances:

I am writing this message in regards to finding out if you are (his name as on his birth certificate). I have been trying to locate you through (name of adoption agency/whatever). My name is and I gave you the name of (name of your son at the time of birth) on (date of birth) born at (name of hospital). You were adopted through (name of agency) to (name of his adoptive parents if known).

You can either contact me directly (give name and address, you may choose to leave phone number) or if you would like, through (adoption agency/intermediary - giving name & telephone number) and ask to speak to... (case worker/ friends name).

The reason I have included this modified version to suit your own circumstances, it that is brief, doesn't give any expectations, other than request contact and take it from there. It also gives your son a choice and chance to adjust to the knowledge that you have searched and wishing contact.

Hope it goes well whatever you decide upon!!! Exciting!

[winter444]

I agree with the other posts, contact him directly.
I am an adoptee and recently have contact with my birth mom. I found her but I know if she had contacted my amom I would have been so upset, let your son tell her if he wants to.
Another note...the agency who found my bmom accidently sent an email to her son's (my 1/2 brother) email address and he had no idea I even existed, my bmom was really upset about that so I'd definately make sure you are contacting him! A brief letter sounds good to me, good luck, hope everything turns out well, hugs....