[balianblue]

I've recently made contact with my birth mother, and she wants to meet me, but here is my conundrum; my adoptive parents have another adoptive daughter 3 years older than me, and i love her like a sister, but we've always been very competitive for attention from our parents. When I told my parents that i was planning to meet with my natural mother, they insisted that I take my sister along with me (for safety), instead of a close friend...but I don't want to share that experience with her. My adoptive mother also wanted to come along, but for once I want something to be solely mine. How am I supposed to be comfortable and myself around her with so many onlookers? Is this selfish of me? Should i just suck it up and bring my whole adoptive family along?
I feel like its really none of there business meeting her, which seems selfish to me, but shes not THEIR mother, she's MINE. I can understand why my parents might want my sister (who has no desire to find her birth parents) to come along, so she doesnt feel left out, but am I wrong to want this to be MY special moment?

[snuffie]

I don't think you are wrong at all to want this to moment to be "yours". It is something very personal and special to you.

Could you just simply tell your adoptive family that? If you are an adult what you do is totally up to you. It is not selfish at all. I am more inclined to think it more selfish on their part.

If your sister is an adult too than it may be time to get over the competitiveness. If she were to find her birth family would you feel compelled to go along with her?

Sometimes even though we love our family we have to do things for our own good. You could meet your bmom initially by yourself and maybe at a later time, introduce her to everyone else.

Snuffie

[Benedicta]

Dear Balianblue,

I agree w/ Snuffie .

Most of the 'reunion' srtuff I read says to do this by yourself !

It is not clear how old you are or if your parents still have 'authority' over you ( that might make a difference ), but from my perspective, your parents are being very controlling, maybe even manipulative .

This 'reunion' experience has too many emotional issues to deal w/ without introducing other dynamics that increase the stress.

Is a compromise possible? Like meeting your 'birthmother' in a public place ? Like a restaurent?

Good luck to you.

[RavenSong]

It sounds to me like your amom maybe wants your sister to go along so she'll report everything back to her.

I don't think you're being selfish at all. This is YOUR reunion, not your amom's. As long as you are at least 18 years old, it is your right to pursue this reunion in any way YOU see fit.

When I first met my son, he had just turned 18. He was scared to death of the initial meeting, so he brought his aparents with him, and we met at a nice restaurant. After dinner, we all went to his aparent's home, which was nice for me because I got to see first-hand the home in which he was raised. I also enjoyed getting to know his folks. But the situation was different than your's, since my son was a VERY young 18, if you know what I mean.

This is your time - your reunion - your birth mother. If you feel most comfortable by going alone or with a close friend, that is what you should do. Go with your heart...

[Jackiejdajda]

When I gave my son up for adoption.. my loved ones (family/mom and dad) had input to my decision.. or lack of decision..

Someone else was in control of the situation.. Or partly in control..

In some reunions (with closed records lack of an original birth certificate etc) the government has control of the actual meeting of a mother/father son and daughter.. The government says these people may meet and these people may not..

Or the government says.. we will protect this person over that person and penalize if our rules are not followed..

A reunion is a one on one.. in my thinking.. One person meeting another.. One connection with another person.. be it birthmom half sister birthfather etc..
Its such a personal thing.. No one other than the ones meeting should be in control or be the puppet master.. IMO

Its you and your birthmom.. Your sorting and her sorting.. and if someone adds their sorting.. you got a problem..
Adds their foibles or angst or heck history into the pot..
It could take it off on the wrong path.. If your sister has her own issues she may project them into your reunion and if she is unable to sort her feelings towards her own birthmom be it hidden or out in the open.. then maybe these feelings will become part of your face to face reunion day.. or heck your amom and her foibles.. No blame because I am sure its not intentional.. but heck.. its still going to go down..

If you are an adult and if you are of a legal age.. to meet.. then this is your life..

When my mom and dad ‘helped’ me decide to relinquish my son.. I was the one that had to deal with and am still dealing with the consequences.. Yes they had their own consequences.. but that was their decision..
I needed to make that decision on my own.. I know that now.. in hindsight.
I know I would have been able to look at my grief in the early days and not blame someone else for their interference..

The same applies here IMO.. It’s a path it’s a way.. it’s a thing you need to navigate on your own..
You know what is right.. you know in your guts.. and your relationship is with your birthmom.. is between you and her..

The same applies when you find the birthfather etc.. one on one..

Others complicate things.. bottom line.. with their own thoughts..
You are so vulnerable right now.. you do not need others and their thoughts..

Jackie

[Found at last]

Your firstmother might want to get to know you first.

My daughter assumed that I would like to meet her parents. I wanted a relationship with her. Down the road, maybe I could meet them.

[TashaD]

I dont think you are being selfish one bit. This reunion should be between you and your birth mom. This is supposed to be a special time in your life and you are already going to be going through a hundred different emotions. why complicate the situation by having your sister and adoptive mom there. Just tell them you love them and they will get there time too. But right now this is about you and your birth mom.

[Juliana13]

You are NOT wrong to want this to be your special moment. You are not selfish to not want to share this with your family. As an adoptive mother, I would like to be included in my chidren's reunions - like I would like to meet (again) their birthmothers and have a chance to feel a part of it... BUT my place is not in those special times, those moments and experiences that birthmother and birthchild need and deserve to have. I would not expect to be there at their first meeting. In fact, I would not expect to be there at most of their meetings. Sure it would be nice to be included occasionally - or at least hear from my child how things are going or how they are doing with it, but it is their reunion, not mine.

You mentioned that it is YOUR birthmother, not theirs, and you are right. However, assure your mom (if you are comfortable with it) that you will give her the opportunity to meet and communicate with your birthmother at a later time, when you (you and your birthmother) are both ready. Your mom may want to meet this special woman - she has a connection to her, too - through you. They are both mothers of the same child, and I have loved meeting my children's birthmothers. However, as the adopted one, YOUR relationship is the one that matters here, and YOU get to call the shots. You get to decide on the level of openness you will allow, and what kind of relationship you want to have. Hopefully members of both your family and your birthfamily will respect your wishes.

Do NOT just suck it up and bring them. Maybe there will be some "sucking it up" later, as you negotioate the relationship, and are sensitive to the feelings of others involved, but this first meeting is not "suck it up" time. It is personal and special for you. Protect that. You deserve it.

Based on the little bit you have written, if you are an adult, then you don't need to take anyone with you that you don't want to be there when you meet your birthmother. You are right. Some experiences just aren't the same if they are shared, even with people you love. You do what you need to do. Explain it to your mom, and tell her you want to do this alone.

Good luck!

[FallenChild]

Hi- it's not about your safety, nor is it about including your sister - it's about control. Your Adoptive mom feels threatened and needs to control your reunion (if I had to guess, I'd guess she's controlling in a lot of areas in other's lives - maybe esp. in yours and your sister's) ...... I would not let either your mom or sis (or anyone else) interfer with YOUR REUNION - IT IS YOURS _ YOURS & YOUR MOMS ... I would even put off a face to face meeting with your mom and just correspond until you could manage to keep your mom out of YOUR reunion- good luck - best FC

[FallenChild]

check out the 11pm chat at adoptioncrossroads.com

[DebsW]

This reunion is about you and your birth mother. There is no one else that "needs" to be there unless either one of you decides. This is about YOU.

I was seeing a counselor during my reunion and a question came up about meeting other birth family before I met my bfather (I had met mom, sister, brother on Bmom's side) who live in another state. My therapist reminded me that "this" is about the three of you, Birth Mom, Birth Dad and you. That is your focus.

Do what is best for you and your new relationship with your Birth Mom. On the flip side, she may not be to comfortable with such an audience either.

Take care of yourself.

Deb