[sstuart]

I am a birthmother and my DD is 21. I have known for a year some contact information. I have not contacted her yet. Just waiting for that perfect time which I realize there will never be a perfect time.

I would like some opinions on whether adoptees think I should write to her or should I write to her mother first? I have also thought that I should just wait for her to look for me?

What are the thoughts on this out there? Thanks for your help. Stacy

[susieloo]

Hey there sstuart.
I am a birthmum, in reunion 10yrs with my 28 yr old daughter.
I initially wrote a letter to her parents...not long after her 16th birthday.
I felt that doing it this way would perhaps seem less threatening for them. Plus I felt it would be an acknowledgment in their role as parents.
I wanted to convey to my daughter that if ever she wanted to contact me, not to fear rejection as that would never happen.
Her a mum rang me the minute she got the letter just to say how happy that it would make my daughter...cutting a long story short we wrote for two years and I met her just after her 18th birthday!!
The 10 yrs has had a couple of rocky patches ( All around her aparents separation ) but the joy of knowing her outweighs all of that!!!
Just some ideas for you to chew over
Susie

[Lynard1210]

Please don't write to her mother first if she is of legal age! My mom is a control freak and I would be mortified if she brought me a letter from my birthmom as an adult. Not all adoptees will tell their mothers about contact with their bmoms. My best friend waited years before telling her mom. Just my opinion!

[thediva320]

I agree with Lynard. Don't write the amom first. Not all aparents are thrilled when their adoptees reunite, or even attempt to find the bfamily. My suggestion is to write bdaughter directly. And you are right, there is no perfect time in sending the letter. Take your time and write it out, read it and if need be re-write it. Then send it when you're ready. Good luck and keep us posted.

[rainmon]

yes.... I also agree, if she is now an adult send it to her and send the letter so that only she can sign for it, so you don't have to wonder if she recieved it or not...... or if anyone else intercepted it.

[SilverWitch]

Write her - reunion is touchy enough without the aparents, who may or may not be supportive of the idea, being involved.

I actually used an intermediary who that contacted DD's aparents! It caused a huge three year battle within her and me because of the issues amom has with reunion!

Reunion with an adult adoptee is between them and the bioparent. Only the adoptee can decide if they want the aparents to know.

[belleinblue1978]

Write your daughter first. Your reunion is between you and her not you and her adoptive mom. It is cool that you want to be respectful of her amom, but reach out to your daughter.

[indygirl100]

Since she is legal age DO NOT write to her mother. I'm 45 and my mom still wouldn't tell me about it. Adoptive parents have their own issues. Write to your daughter and leave it up to her to contact you, to tell her family (or not), whatever she feels she needs to do.

From the adoptee perspective I would have loved my bio mom to find me. Fortunately she at least go on some registries, which is how I lucked into finding her.

Good luck. I'm with you!

[sstuart]

Thanks so much for all the advice. I hope that her mother will not have a problem with reunion, but I guess you never know. When I get the nerve I will write to her. Thanks

[austin0i]

sstuart,

I am an adoptee who searched for my birth mother at 21. Although I didn't find her at that time, I did not share my search with my amom because I knew she would not handle it well.

I am now in reunion and have chosen not to share it with my amom because of the way she will handle it.

Send it directly to her. She is an adult and she knows best how to handle her parents. Sending it to her amom runs the risk of your daughter resenting you for doing that.

Send it to her directly. It is between you and her.

Kim

[smithkitten69]

I am an Adoptee and I wish my mother would have tried to contact me. I am now almost 47, friday is my Bday, and I am still looking. Give it a go!

[idaho]

I also have a 21 year old kid I adopted out in an OPEN adoption and would like to contact. However, I found out through his parents that he doesn't know he's adopted. Now I wish I hadn't contacted his parents and just contacted him. Any thoughts on this predicament?

[Juliana13]

My first thought is, "You have got to be kidding me!!" How could they not tell him? I would suggest waiting a while. Even though 21 is technically an adult - we all remember being 21, and many are still not very mature, still figuring out who they are and where they are going with their lives. He may not be emotionally ready at all for something like this, especially since he doesn't know. I would give it time. Then - I don't know. You can contact him and break the news, but then you would receive the brunt of his shock and emotional upheaval, maybe. When you are at the point of contacting him, you may want to tell his parents, and give them the opportunity to tell him first. Something they should have been doing all along, but...

And to sstuart - since your daughter is of legal age, I would suggest contacting her directly. As an amom, I appreciate your desire to show respect to her mom, but I think a letter to your daughter is appropriate. I would also write a letter to her mom/parents, and send it to them if your daughter is okay with that. It could go a long way to them being comfortable with the reunion. Sometimes adopted adults want to handle the reunion on their own, not have it be a big family party; sometimes they love their parents to be involved. It will have to be up to her.
Good luck!

[sstuart]

Smithkitten69- Happy Birthday. I hope that someday you meet your bfamily.

Idaho- I can't believe that people still try to get by with not telling about adoption. How can that be anything but setting yourself up for disaster. I hope that you can someday meet him

Julianna13-Thanks for the advice. I will ask her. Because if we do have a reunion I want it to be one of mutual respect and I would like to include her parents if that is what she wants. I realize that if we do have a reunion, much of it will be on her terms and I am ok with that. I want to know her. I just have a hole in my heart without her. Stacy

[rainmon]

Idaho, I don't understand ... I thought you said it was an open adoption, so why is it that you are just finding this out now.... after the child is an adult if it was always open to communication? isn't that what that means when they say open?