[gussiedog]

Thanks Jayhawker

I know that what you say is right - I will leave things to simmer down for a while - it annoys me that by doing that she can then ignore the problem and think it has gone away - however that is probably the best thing for the time being. I don't see that she will ever give me this information - she has made that more than clear - much thanks for your thoughts however - and how have you been coping?? My biggest fear is what has happened to you - never knowing - how do you cope with that? Has it affected your other relationships? I have insecurity and trust issues and an underlying burning anger that seems to come out occasionally that ends up hurting other people - it is hard isn't it?? Talk soon? Louise

[susieloo]

Aren't we all so different. I have been reading through this thread and quite frankly I despair at the secrets and lies that still permeate adoption issues.
I am a birthmum, in reunion for nearly 11 yrs after meeting my daughter when she was 18.
No I didn't want to share information on her birthdad. No I never wanted to see or hear of him again..........BUT I considered this to be the ultimate selfish act on my part if I chose not to share this info. with my daughter.
Then was then and now is now. I wish other birthmums would just get over themselves, realise the significance of knowing ones heritage to the child they relinqished and start moving forward.
I spent the last week having to SIT beside the birthfather at a world sports event our daughter was playing in.I had only seen him once in 28yrs prior to this. It was so bloody hard to do....but I did it for my daughter! As I said to her amum....the things we do for love!!!!
I don't know where they get off thinking they have the right to keep this information from you...I know for my daughter it was a piece of the puzzle she really needed completed.
Yes I understand that it must be hard divulging some stuff from so long ago, memories relived etc. I had a fair share of my own to sift through, and am still sifting, and will probably always be sifting...but to be responsible for not allowing a person to know their heritage....now that I couldn't live with.
Any way just my thoughts...it just makes me so mad and sad for you guys!
Susie

[winter444]

I'm going through the same thing with my bmom, she will not tell me who my bdad is, as susieloo says, it's a peace of the puzzle we need to know. It's absolutely been driving me nuts!!
She has said "at this moment in time I cannot tell you..." grrr!! I too have a fear that either he'll be dead by the time I find out, or, she will never tell me, I honestly don't know if I'll be able to hande that. Maybe he won't want to know me, but I figure at least I'll know, it's the not knowing that's killing me.
One 1/2 brother knows about me, by accident he found out, but I have other 1/2 siblings who know nothing, is she ever going to tell them???? It's just never mentioned.
I'm not by any means trying to tell bmom's what they should do but I do wish some would realize that we adoptees have such a desire to "know" these things, we'd rather know the bad news than never to know atall, it hurts so much. The puzzle needs to be complete, for so many of us it's not as easy as saying...go on with your life, just be happy...it doesn't work that way. The pain is unbearable at times for me, I just want to cry out, please tell me, I won't think badly about you if that's what you are thinking...there is a hole inside that needs to be complete and not knowing certain things...like.....who your father is, hurts sooooo much.

[jayhawker]

Hi, I have been reading your posts with much interest and involvement. Susieloo; How I wish you could have been my birthmum, what a ray of light and love for your child . Ma'am ; you are an Angel in disguise here on earth. God Bless your unselfishness.
Gussiedog and 444.....don't dispair just allow your anger out . Please acknowledge how you feel your b/mum is totally ****ty and selfish (not to her face though) but to yourself. You are allowed to be angry and hurt....goddam it you have a right to know who you are.
It nearly ate me up and blew me away, for years I felt that I was in a bubble, isolated, scorned and not knowing if I was sane or totally losing my mind. I ended up being a puppet, doing saying and being what others wanted me to be. My b/mumwould not say who my dad was and she got her daughter-in-law (I have two half bros and 1 half sis) to write me a letter telling me "to leave her alone, she was an old lady and I was making her ill. Be satisfied with your own family and get on with my life" Boy;.....when I read the letter I went into shock ......and walked in my bubble floating around...somewhere.
I'm in therapy now. It is "core process" very gentle, I am beginning to find the small child within me,and to realise how innocent I am in this. That I am a person , that I'm allowed to be angry and that it's not something to be guilty about. What I'm trying to say is that IF (like me) you can't find Dad, you are still a fine person, we don't need our Dads to be whole. I yearn to know my Father, I've yearned for the last 62 years of my entire life. My Mum died and never told me but I'm still here. The sky is still in the sky and I'm typing this letter to you guys. We are our; here and now and our future. Keep trying, you will never stop trying to find Dad, I still hope, My b/mum said she could'nt remember his name but he dies of cancer when I was a year old......she was lying. Your b/mum may lie just so she soes'nt have to face her own demons.....oh; if we had mum's like Susieloo.
Keep in touch guys. We need each other, we really do.
Jayhawker UK

[Lynard1210]

Thanks for these wonderful posts. I see I'm not alone in the "mum isn't talking" department. During my first meeting with bmom, I point blank expressed to her how important it was to me to know anything about my bfather. She said she wished that she could tell me but she didn't know anything about him except that they were at a party and next thing you know, she is pregnant. It didn't add up for me because based on our conversations, she seems very selective of men. She told me he was "foreign" and quite possibly Mexican but when I asked her how she would know he was Mexican when she didn't know his name, she said, "he just wasn't American". She remembered he was short with dark hair and dark eyes. Those are my only clues. My husband and I both think she knows who he is but isn't telling the whole story. It's hard becasue she hasn't flat out refused to tell me - only states "she doesn't know". My social worker told me to accept her explanation as the truth . . . .but there is a huge part of me that "knows" it's not.

I have a feeling I will never know and that is a hard pill to swallow, but such is life . . . .

[jayhawker]

Folks just don't understand (can't understand) how mind blowing it is; not to know our parents. A whole chunk of us is missing. It never gets any easier, I think I've just got resigned to the fact that my dad was a G.I. (american) I just adore everything that is American. I am involved in the Civil War and send money for the preservation of battle sites. I make 19th Century american clothing and have visited the States 22 times. If I could, I would relinquish my British Citizenship to become an American. So I am taking as read that my dad was an American I just can't prove it and no-one will tell me. I would have loved to have met him and snuggled my face in his neck and just been so glad to have a real Dad.

[nancy2vues]

I am coming from a different angle here. I am a 1/2 birth sister to a brother born to my mom when I was 7 following a rape. His wife tracked us down a few years ago and we all are doing great now. Having said that,re-living those difficult years have been really tough on my mom and even on me, so I can see how a birth mom would not want to revisit those times no matter what the situation. Knowing a bio-dad's info doesn't translate into the peace that you might think. Just our esperience....good luck and enjoy the parent that you do have.

[Lynard1210]

I have to agree about enjoying the parent(s) you do have. I don't consider my birth parents actual parents. My a-parents did all the parenting. I would love to know about my birth father as well, but I also recognize that most of what I believe about him is more fantasy than reality. My a-dad was not a warm fuzzy so I missed out on having a loving dad. I feel lucky that I have a loving husband to fill in the holes that my father left. However, i believe that my birth father could have been far worse (possibly better) but I've learned that its best to focus on what you DO have, rather than what you don't.

[jayhawker]

It is just so fascinating hearing all your views on this incredibly emotive issue.
Obviously when rape or abuse of any sort is in the equation; the whole thing takes on a completely different hue. Gee; I certainly would NOT want to pass on to any child the gory details of a rape and the "rapist" being it's father.........heaven forbid. Even as keen as I am to know my Dad, it would be heart-breaking to discover that he raped my b/mum. (At least I would know !) I can understand a b/mum not wanting to go there. However; my personal experience is of a woman (my b/mum) who just doesn't want to be reminded of a traumatic and "guilty" period of her life and is too selfish to understand the pain she inflicts on her own flesh and blood that she brought into the world in disgrace. If these women had one iota of the meaning of selfless love they would assist those kids in trying to complete their personalities and sense of identity.
Of course I appreciate that my adopted parents are my only parents as far as parenting goes and; like all of us some are good at it and some not so good. In my case I was encouraged to be like my adopted family and God help me if I dared do or be anything else than a true, full bloodied Wesley that was really too good for this world and better than every-one else. This was very unfortunate because; in fact; I am pretty much the same and equal to all humans in this world........sad thing is, it cost me years of my life trying to get th idea. i was abused as a kid and totally subservient......yea; we must be grateful to our adoptive parents and thank our b/parents for putting us on the block for anyone to "take care of us" I know this sounds cynical , I guess it is and that is just the tip of the iceberg for folks, deprived of their birthright ; messed up and supposed to be grateful and told you should be satisfied with your own family; which actually isn't.
I am aware that things are a bit different now as opposed to the "yonks ago" when I was adopted.
Although I have come to terms with much of it; there are deep, deep wounds that probably will never heal completely one of which is injustice.
If anyone dare to preach their "human rights" in ear-shot of me................stand clear !!!!
Just my opinion ; no personal accusations are intended.
Jayhawker.