[userh6478]

I just found my Bmother and my real aunt(?). I been looking for them for about a year, not anything serious just on the internet, I wasn't having much luck, then last month, I was at the computer and I was looking at myspace, and I got the idea to look on their, since I knew My moms full name(not middle) her age and where I was born, I assumed that I would look up the High School in that area and Look up people her age, and I messaged a couple hoping to that one of them would know her.By luck one did respond and they knew of her and her Sister. So lucky for me that persons had my bmother's sisters email, so I emailed her and it was truely her, I wasn't completely sure that it was her so I asked her couple questions just to make sure, and it was her. My bmom doesn't have internet so I couldn't contact that way but my bmom sister gave me her address and phone number and hers too. So I wrote a letter to her, I didn't give her a return address because of aparents soo I didn't get a letter or anything from her, I did include some pictures of me with the letter so she knows what I look like. I was not the only one by bbrother was adopted with me into the same family we are biological brother and sisters, I haven't told him yet about me finding them, because I know that he had some issues with it when he was young and I am not sure if he wants to see them, and we aren't the closest either so I don't feel 100 percent comfortable telling him, but I know he needs to know and I want us to be in this journey together but I don't know what to do. My aparents totally hated the idea of me finding them, we talked about it years ago and even now and they get really mad about the idea, I love them and they given my a great life but I have to do this for me, I need to know. I just know I will be the one to tear apart my entire family and I know they will not forgive me, they will feel completely betrayed, and they will not want to talk to me, they will kick me out, I am scared when I have to tell them, but I know I have to, but I keep it a secret forever because sometime I need to see my bfamily, I miss them soo much, I waited to long already, it has been a month, and feels like forever. I just need advice on how to tell my brother and adoptive parents.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Speak the truth in love. A family needs both love and truth and as long as you continue to offer both to your family, your conscience can be clear. You are not responsible for their actions, they are. You are responsible for your own actions and must act according to your convictions. I hope your parents will stick by you. If not, I hope that you will stick up by and for yourself.

[userh6478]

You might think love conquers everything, but I don't know if that is really true. They may love me very much and I love them too but they will be really mad, they tend to get very angry and a lot of yelling, they don't abuse me physically or emotionally or anything but They have really mad tempers. I am scared.

[Sun8]

First and foremost protect yourself. Remember that tho you may want a relationship with bfamily now... in the future you may not want that, so dont do anything to jeopardize your life now for something that later you wish you hadnt done.
Some really want a relationship and then down the road aways discover that personalities, likes, dislikes etc dont match up. They may be a birth relative but that doesnt mean in the end we will like them or want to know them. You may want to get to know bmom thru letters first, before breathing a word to aparents.
just my opinion.

[WhoseChild]

Good advice from Sun8. My bmother initially contacted me through the adoption agency almost two years ago. I had never entertained serious plans to do any searching on my own so it took me several months, a lot of thought and several more email contacts from the adoption agency before I responded. My aparents were aware of the contact due to the adoption agency going through them to obtain my current address, so the cat was out of the bag so to speak. My aparents were quite reserved in expressing any opinions on the subject.

It quickly became obvious where they stood due to the fact that the only real dialogue we had was prompted by any comment I might make about my bmom that could be construed as negative. If I were to express any doubt about meeting my bmom or what type of person she might be they would enthusiastically support that line of thought yet remain unsupportive of any positive comment I might make with reference to my bmom. This unfortunately led to a gradual complete shutdown of communication on that subject.

I exchanged emails with my bmom and bsister for a period of 6 or 7 months trying to work our way up to actually meeting face to face. The big day turned out to be a family reunion of my bfamily, a thoroughly intimidating experience. All turned out well as far as first meetings go. I came away from that day with an overwhelming feeling of loss at not having the opportunity to be raised within my own family and a realization that it is all water under the bridge and cannot be recovered.

So, to give you my bit of advice. Go forward, proceed with caution, dare to hope for the best but maintain realistic expectations. You have your life, they have their's and the two, as they relate to one another, cannot be the way they should have been. Best of luck.

[userh6478]

THANKS.great advice i will take it to heart.

[shriveraz]

6478-
You need to do what is right for you and you will know what the right thing is in time. I went through a similar thing and waited to tell my adoptive parents, but when I did they were awesome about it! There was a fear of being hated and rejected (again) and it took me a month or so to decide. Your results may be different, but you need to do things your way, not the way anyone else tells you to. Whatever happens will happen and whatever you decide to do will be the right decision. Best of luck.

[lweiner]

I feel that anyone who adopts, has to understand that the adoptive child will one day want to find their
other family. Since I am in the process of adopting. I have been waiting 1 year already for my prayers to come true, I have read all the books and have gone to seminars, parenting classes, etc. But nothing help set this situation in place for me except to talk to someone who was adopted. My first cousins were both adopted and in their 30's searched and found their other families. Their raising parents were not happy, but felt they had to be open to this. It has enriched all of their lives. My cousins are truely blessed with having two families to grow and share their lives with. I know that I want my child to know their own special story, and want them to know that I will help them in any way they need to fufill their need to contact people they choose to. Otherwise, I might be holding them back from something that could be truely special for all of us. The fact is, you have to follow your heart, and if it is something that you want to do no matter what, then you have the right to do it no matter who gets upset! I wish you much luck.
Try to keep you head and your heart together. I know this is hard, but if you can get them together on your decisions in life, then your doing great.

[ripples]

Originally Posted by zxczxcasdasd

Speak the truth in love. A family needs both love and truth and as long as you continue to offer both to your family, your conscience can be clear. You are not responsible for their actions, they are. You are responsible for your own actions and must act according to your convictions. I hope your parents will stick by you. If not, I hope that you will stick up by and for yourself.

Hi userh6478,
I fully agree with zxczxcasdasd's post. I can understand how scared you must be feeling. Search and reunion are hard enough without others getting all angry at you. Your a-parents are probably just deep down scared too, they're afraid of losing you and so have their own issues of abandonment to deal with. Seven Core Issues in Adoption by Sharon Kaplan and Deborah Silverstein...Lifelong Issues in Adoption

Here's a letter that was linked to the adoption.com web site - perhaps it can help provide some ideas on what/how to write? Letter to my Adoptive Parents

Perhaps also sharing the following resources might help open the dialogue Why Adoptees Search - Special Needs, Article, Children, Hope, Information, One, Parent, Parents, Que However, if your a-parents continue to refuse to listen and/or yell and get angry, don't let that deter you. In the end, all you can really do is talk to them honestly about what you feel, tell your a-parents that you love them, but stick to your own true convictions in the need for you to search. I also agree that first and foremost, you need to take care of yourself, particularly during this important but stressful journey. While I think it's useful to be honest with your a-parents, it's not up to you to try to 'fix' their anger. It IS up to them, and them only, to decide how they want to respond.

I'm also a big fan of in-person support groups. There's a list of ones at:http://forums.adoption.com/adoption-support-groups/

All the best to you in this courageous journey of yours! You are not alone.

[userh6478]

Thanks everyone for your responses and everything made perfect sense and I will take everything in serious consideration and think very hard, and long about everything. Thank you for the resources too.