[Mr-Advisor]

Hi, Im new to the site. Well actually I joined in Septemeber posting, asking for opinions and comments on finding my birthmom when I turned 18 which is actually this upcomming Thursday, December 7th. Anyways I had a very long post but it was deleted and I was kept from posting since I was still 17 and it wasnt that close to my 18th birthday, which was fair. Anyways Im back again and Im looking for advice.

As it grows closer to my 18th birthday the more I think about my birthmother. Now I have had a great life with my adoptive parents and I love them, but as Im sure all of you know that their will always be avoid for the birthparents. My AParents have always been open about me being adopted and have said that I could talk to them about it any time I wanted, but to me I just feel so uncomfortable talking to them about it, I feel like Im hurting them. At one time I had talked with them about me searching for my birthmother on my 18th birthday and they said they would do all the could to help. But the thing is I want to keep my B and A Parents seperate I never want to mix the two. And I do have some light info on my birthmother, such as that she was (I think 19) when I was born (I was adopted newborn) and I know she was in a womans jail, and that it was nothing serious, that she just wanted me to have a good life. I also have a bad pic and I have her name. And since my ADad is a detective since she has a record he could find out info on her in his computer, but Im not sure if I want him too. So I need to know how I can go about looking for her.

Now since Im an only child in my family now I have always wanted a sister and maybe a brother (Im a boy) I want a really strong a great relationship with my sybillings if I have any.

Before reading info on here this afternoon I had never really considered that she might look for me, although since it was a closed adoption it would be hard. After what I read today I wonder if she might wirte me a letter or send me something for my birhthday, although I dont know why my 18th birthday would be any different. What do yall think? Everybirhtday I was think about if she remembers what the day is and thinks of me.

I guess what Im asking is do yall think she might try and contact me this year? Do you think I should try and contact her, if so how do I go about doing this alone? Do you think I should look up her record before I try and find her? Should I write her a letter? How should I go about this? I need help because this is the only place I feel comfortable about talking about this. Thanks

DOB EDITED FOR PRIVACY BY ADMIN

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Mr-Advisor

Hi, Im new to the site. Well actually I joined in Septemeber posting, asking for opinions and comments on finding my birthmom when I turned 18 which is actually this upcomming Thursday, December 7th. Anyways I had a very long post but it was deleted and I was kept from posting since I was still 17 and it wasnt that close to my 18th birthday, which was fair. Anyways Im back again and Im looking for advice.

As it grows closer to my 18th birthday the more I think about my birthmother. Now I have had a great life with my adoptive parents and I love them, but as Im sure all of you know that their will always be avoid for the birthparents. My AParents have always been open about me being adopted and have said that I could talk to them about it any time I wanted, but to me I just feel so uncomfortable talking to them about it, I feel like Im hurting them. At one time I had talked with them about me searching for my birthmother on my 18th birthday and they said they would do all the could to help. But the thing is I want to keep my B and A Parents seperate I never want to mix the two. And I do have some light info on my birthmother, such as that she was (I think 19) when I was born (I was adopted newborn) and I know she was in a womans jail, and that it was nothing serious, that she just wanted me to have a good life. I also have a bad pic and I have her name. And since my ADad is a detective since she has a record he could find out info on her in his computer, but Im not sure if I want him too. So I need to know how I can go about looking for her.

Now since Im an only child in my family now I have always wanted a sister and maybe a brother (Im a boy) I want a really strong a great relationship with my sybillings if I have any.

Before reading info on here this afternoon I had never really considered that she might look for me, although since it was a closed adoption it would be hard. After what I read today I wonder if she might wirte me a letter or send me something for my birhthday, although I dont know why my 18th birthday would be any different. What do yall think? Everybirhtday I was think about if she remembers what the day is and thinks of me.

I guess what Im asking is do yall think she might try and contact me this year? Do you think I should try and contact her, if so how do I go about doing this alone? Do you think I should look up her record before I try and find her? Should I write her a letter? How should I go about this? I need help because this is the only place I feel comfortable about talking about this. Thanks

I was born in Montgomery Alabama Dec 7, 1988.

Look up a search site on dad's computer, leave up so dad can see it...

Then he will either talk to you or tell mom and they will both talk to you.

Your dad would want to know if her life is ok, so you don't get hurt. He knows that legally he can't stop you..

I bet he already knows where she is or can find out very fast.

Talk to your folks, get it out in the open and out of the way.

Hugs for you.

[Sniffles]

I had the full support of my a-parents during my search for my b-mom. My mom has even spent hours with me in the libary searching through the birth indexes. When I had the chance to contact my birthgrandparents, I drove 40 miles to my parents house to make the phone call. My mom was so supportive of me during that first phone call. I do not think I could of done it without her.

My brother feels the same way you do. He does not want mom and dad to know that he is searching b/c he does not want to hurt their feelings. Instead he talks to me and I am helping him search. I keep my promise and I did not tell my parents, but I did beat around the bush with my mom and she told me that it would not upset if he decided to search and she would be behind him 100%.

My advice to you is to sit down and talk with your parents. Tell them how you are feeling and what you want to do. If your dad is a dective then he will have so many options for searching.

Not all birth parents search for their children. Unfortunatly mine didn't search for me, but my birth grandparents were very open to contact with me. If you want to start searching on your own, then I suggest you start posting on as many registries as you can. Many site have volunteer search angels that will help you with your search. Post as much info as you can so it will be eaiser for them to look.

When they found my b-mom I wrote her two letters, the second one I sent certified. When my grandparents were found I called them on the phone. The only reason I called was b/c the search angel had already found out that they wanted to talk to me. You need to decide which way is best for you. If you want to look at the letters I wrote to my b-mom then you can go to my journal: Searching for birth parents - My search - Adoption Journal, Story, Experience, Blog
BTW, I liked the second letter better.

[Mr-Advisor]

Thanks for the replys everyone, I really appreaciate it. I think what Im going to try todo is wait and see if I can get any info for myself and then if I cant Ill wait till after the Christmas then Ill ask them about it.

You know something though, I know my parents have never contacted or talked to her because they know if I ever found out they had I would never talk to them again, but the idea I just had was that since my dad is a detective and has access to all this information maybe he has looked her info up before.. I mean if all you had todo was type a name in the computer and pull up everything about someone wouldnt you do it? I mean he as had 18 years in which he could have done it, do yall think he might have done it atleast once? But then why wouldnt he ad mentioned it to me? Oh man all the possbilities.

Anyways I was going to ask if I do decide to try and do this on my own what sites and steps do I need to go through? Thanks

P.S. Is it possible/likely for her to be able contact me when I turn 18 if it was a closed adoption? Also if she did try and contact me would she have to go through my parents?

[Sniffles]

Here are two sites that I had luck with in the past plus the registry that is on this site.

Adoption Registry - Records, Reunion Registries, Adoptees, Search Reunite

G'S United States Adoption Registry Home Page

Adoption Registry

[nilesgirl]

Hello Mr-Advisor...Have you checked this site for Alabamas searching resources? If not..go to the Search and Reunion forumThen scroll down to the sub forum Search and Reunion by State then click on Alabama Adoption Records then....at the top of that page you'll see Alabama Searching Resources...click on that and you will find all sorts of valuable info about searching in Alabama. It looks like Alabama requires you to be 19 before you're allowed to search for identifying information etc. Although...if either of your birthparents put a consent form in your file...It looks like you could get your info before your 19th birthday. Anyway, check it out

[webwriter]

Wow, your story is very, very close to my own. Only in the reverse.

As a birth mother, I can only tell you what I'm thinking and feeling this weekend. My birth son turned 18 yesterday. (Oddly enough, I even live in Alabama!)

In the weeks leading up to his birthday, I begain to leave a trail all over the internet for him. I did an internet search on "Indiana Adoption Reunion," because he was adopted there, and registered on every single site that turned up. (Including this one.)

I will send Indiana's Open Records permission form out on Monday, since no mail ran today and they won't accept applications until the adoptee is actually 18. I will also send a copy of it to the lawyer who handled the case so that if he starts there, he will quickly have the answers he seeks.

If I am any indication, and if your birth mom wants to be found, it is my guess that yes, your 18th birthday will be of special significance for her. More so than others, although I'm sure she has marked the day each year of your life, because it means legal adulthood. Now she knows that if you wish to find her, you have that legal right, at long last.

If she has the resources, she will most likely try to make it easy for you. If she is anything like me, she's been looking forward to this day for a very, very long time.

I will not attempt to contact my son directly because I do not wish to intrude. He has a wonderful family, I know, I chose them myself out of hundreds and hundreds. I do not wish to cause him any pain, divided loyalty or heartache. So, the decision is his and his alone. All I can do is try to make the information readily available to him should he wish to contact me. Then I wait, hope and pray.

He has an infant sister here, at least two more on his birth father's side. Like you, I suspect he is an only child in his adopted family.

I hope, young man, that he is very much like you when he comes.

Happy Birthday to you and best of luck in your search. I'll be thinking of you as I imagine my own son taking a similar journey and struggling with similar questions.

Warmest Regards,
Webbie

[c3636]

As a teenager I located my birthmother, I am glad that you have a chance to post your thoughts and what your going through, simply speaking, as a male adoptee, i recognize that it wasn't mainstream when I found my birth mother. There were so many things over a period of time I discovered, answers came over time. I hope you continue to seek support, and it is a different time thankfully, were adult males do locate their birth mothers with more support. I hope this site will be helpful to you.

Alex

[Leigh131313]

Can I ask why you are so adament that the two families have nothing to do with each other? I'm a mother through adoption, and really enjoy my relationship with my sons birthfamily (he's only 2)

I'm just curious what would make you feel that they should be seperate?

[zxczxcasdasd]

I have an ason who's 17 and so I'm curious about your statement that if you found out that your parents had contact with your bmom that you would never speak to them again?

You said they're great parents and you've had a great life so what would be so horrible about them communicating with your bfamily that you would never speak to them again? I don't understand...

Parents sometimes do things on behalf of and for their children- that sometimes they share with their kids and sometimes they don't. It depends on the situation- but most often it's out of parental duty to support, love and protect their kids.

[Mr-Advisor]

Originally Posted by zxczxcasdasd

I have an ason who's 17 and so I'm curious about your statement that if you found out that your parents had contact with your bmom that you would never speak to them again?

You said they're great parents and you've had a great life so what would be so horrible about them communicating with your bfamily that you would never speak to them again? I don't understand...

Parents sometimes do things on behalf of and for their children- that sometimes they share with their kids and sometimes they don't. It depends on the situation- but most often it's out of parental duty to support, love and protect their kids.

If my parents had ever contacted them that means that they went behind my back to do it, and that means that they had betrayed me on all levels. I dont care what they were trying todo becasue unless I wqas on my death bed (which I have never been) they would have no viable business to go into MY personal life and look up info.

When I do find my birth family Im going to try and fight like heck to keep the 2 seperate. Honestly its really complicated and really hard to explain and so ya.

But it would crush me on every single level if I find out that they had found my birthmom and that shes dead or that they looked up info on her and never told me.

Also if you looked up your sons birthfamily, I would seriously not hide it from him, because if he finds out you knew something he didnt (even if its horrible) atleast he will know he can trust you and that you wouldnt go behind his back...

[Mr-Advisor]

Originally Posted by webwriter

Wow, your story is very, very close to my own. Only in the reverse.

As a birth mother, I can only tell you what I'm thinking and feeling this weekend. My birth son turned 18 yesterday. (Oddly enough, I even live in Alabama!)

In the weeks leading up to his birthday, I begain to leave a trail all over the internet for him. I did an internet search on "Indiana Adoption Reunion," because he was adopted there, and registered on every single site that turned up. (Including this one.)

I will send Indiana's Open Records permission form out on Monday, since no mail ran today and they won't accept applications until the adoptee is actually 18. I will also send a copy of it to the lawyer who handled the case so that if he starts there, he will quickly have the answers he seeks.

If I am any indication, and if your birth mom wants to be found, it is my guess that yes, your 18th birthday will be of special significance for her. More so than others, although I'm sure she has marked the day each year of your life, because it means legal adulthood. Now she knows that if you wish to find her, you have that legal right, at long last.

If she has the resources, she will most likely try to make it easy for you. If she is anything like me, she's been looking forward to this day for a very, very long time.

I will not attempt to contact my son directly because I do not wish to intrude. He has a wonderful family, I know, I chose them myself out of hundreds and hundreds. I do not wish to cause him any pain, divided loyalty or heartache. So, the decision is his and his alone. All I can do is try to make the information readily available to him should he wish to contact me. Then I wait, hope and pray.

He has an infant sister here, at least two more on his birth father's side. Like you, I suspect he is an only child in his adopted family.

I hope, young man, that he is very much like you when he comes.

Happy Birthday to you and best of luck in your search. I'll be thinking of you as I imagine my own son taking a similar journey and struggling with similar questions.

Warmest Regards,
Webbie

Thanks so much, I was really hopeing that she would send me a letter or something or that I would atleast get a call from the attorney that handled this but I guess not sinces its the 13th and Ive got nothing. Oh well maybe Ill decide to do a search when i go off to college since I really dont want my aparents. Also I can probably make copies of the copies of everything we have.

Well if anyone has anymore comments or info or ideas I would love to hear them. Thanks

[susiesgirl]

my aparents were so supportive when i searched. we looked for HOURS in the library on microfish (tells ya how long ago THAT was) we went thru records came up with nothing since it was a closed adoption. i had an intermediary do the work and found my bmom within the month.
If your parents some how found some info shouldnt you feel glad that they are helping you with something that is painful for aparents to go thru?
just something to think about.
my bmom didnt look me up cuz she thought she wouldnt be able to get anything since it was closed.
talk with your aparents and tell them EVERYTHING about how you feel.you just might be supprised.

[Sniffles]

Originally Posted by susiesgirl

we looked for HOURS in the library on microfish (tells ya how long ago THAT was)

susiegirl, I had to laugh at that! I did the same thing, but my mom and I stopped at F. If we had stayed and kept searching we would of found mine in H. It took forever to look plus we both walked out of there with a huge headache.

[bridgetkoc]

hey, i know its been days since you post, but i just stumbled upon it. my story is so similar to yours. I turned 18 not too long ago and knew somewhat of my information. I know it can be really hard keeping the lives of your aparents and your bparents separate without getting them intertwined.

the only things i would definately suggest from experience are to wait until you really know how you feel about finding your bparents. I so excited and overwhelmed that i jumped into contacting mine too fast. Since you know quite a bit of information and have reliable sources as i did, it might be that difficult for you as it is for others (but you never know).

I know it can be awkward talking about the adoption with your parents and my reunion i'm bascially on my own to make my decisions because i dont.. and really cant involve my aparents that much.

if you ever need to talk or anything you can always pm me! cause i definately have experienced both the ups and downs of finding my bparents.

good luck and stay strong!