[echox]

Have you looked Longtime? I guess i have felt like the OP has for a long time. I felt like I didn't have to look, someone gave me away and if they decided they wanted some sort of relationship it was up to them to look for me. I didn't want to set myself up to get rejected a second time. I'll be 29 in a little over a week, and i would have gladly accepted any contact when i turned 18. As time goes by I wonder WTF is going on in her world? What's so important that she just forgot about me? I don't know if I am being selfish, but I do know that I deserve some answers. Not knowing is the hardest part.

[Longtimewaiting]

Kakuekl, I was not allowed to touch my daughter in the hospital. The staff acted like I had the plague. It was gratifying to see my beautiful daughter in the nursery, and having people around me commenting on what a beautiful child she was. And at the same time asking why she was separated from the other babies. I only wish now that I had had the nerve to be demanding back then, but I was raised to follow orders and not question anything.

The time that I was allowed to see my daughter for 5 minutes was before the adoption, my mother and I went to the adoption office, and we were able to spend a few minutes with her. My mother held her more than me, I was afraid to hold her for too long, fearing that I would never let her go.

Echox, I am hoping that this is the year that I am able to pay CHS to search for my daughter. I have been a single parent raising two children for what seems like forever. My only salvation was to get rid of the husband that I had, and now that the youngest will be out of college in 1 month or so, maybe I will have the $500 to search. I have made some horrible decisions over my lifetime, and at the same time I have allowed people to make decisions for me.

I never wanted my daughter placed, but was forced by my parents. My mother on her deathbed did tell me that they should never have forced me, maybe I would have been happier. Darn right I would have been happier, my daughter would be with me. I honestly didnt want to marry her father, but back in 1975 things were so different. I would have married him if thats what it would have taken to keep her. Her fathers parents dont know about our daughter yet. I would like to find her so that they can meet her before they pass away. Our families have know each other since I was 6 months old, and hopefully they dont have a heart attack, or kill me when they find out about another grandchild.

And you are so right, ALL adoptees deserve an answer. Whether its to explain why we couldnt keep you, or about the conception, etc.

[echox]

Longtime, I hope my last post didn't make you feel that you had to explain yourself to me. Sometimes it's hard to express yourself by typing.

[kakuehl]

Echox, birth mothers especially from the closed era, often find ourselves in a catch 22. We were told we had no right to search so we often believe we shouldn't search, while our children feel like you. I think both D and I spent years thinking the other one should be the one to look (even while we both tried to look). I tried to make it easy for him... I left a letter with the state. The agency his parents used had closed and he hit a dead end. His comment to his parents when they told him I'd contacted them was... she walked out of my life, she needn't think she can just walk back in. (At the same time he also told me that he'd felt it was my responsiblity to look for him...)

Ah, the tangled web of adoption!

[echox]

I know what you mean kakuehl. I just wanted longtime to know that I wasn't insinuating anything with my question. I am not here to hurt any bmoms. I am sure you all live with the same pain as I do. If anything I would like to encourage bmoms to search, it would mean a lot to me if i got a call or even a letter from my bmom, because right now I am still in the same position as I was 29 yrs ago......abandonned.

[kakuehl]

I appreciate the encouragement for bmoms to search. The problem sometimes is that each side is focused on her (his) own pain, making it difficult to see the other side. Unfortunately, it's very painful to realize that my child feels/felt abandoned when as a birth mother I have tried to make sure he's in a place where he's loved and cared for from day one.

[echox]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

I appreciate the encouragement for bmoms to search. The problem sometimes is that each side is focused on her (his) own pain, making it difficult to see the other side. Unfortunately, it's very painful to realize that my child feels/felt abandoned when as a birth mother I have tried to make sure he's in a place where he's loved and cared for from day one.

I am sure you did all you could at the time. That's exactly what I was trying to say to longtime. We can't change the past, and I am not here to judge anyone. But as an adoptee I feel that it isn't my responsibility to search, as a man I feel like it is almost like begging for a relationship. I have far too much pride to come crawling back. I have yet to start a "formal" search and after reading all the stories from bmoms that feel so bad about everything I wonder where's my mom? Why hasn't she contacted me? I wonder if she even remembers or cares. This is what prevents me from finding her, I can't handle any more bs or pain related to my adoption.

On a more positive note just discussing these issues makes me feel a little better. I know that I am not angry at her, but at the same time I wonder what could my life have been like if I was just like everyone else.

[IrishBlue]

Most states don't allow the birthparents to initiate a search. My biomom tried looking for me intermittently throughout childhood, teens and early twenties, but was always rejected by the agency. The adoptee has to be over 18 and as to be the one to initiate the search according to the laws in WI.

[echox]

The laws are a little different where I am from. When I turned 18 I marched into the SS office that handled my adoption. I told them I was looking for answers, I filled out all the nessecary paperwork and got ready for a wait that "could take up to 5 yrs" I was in no rush and was actually glad to have some time to sort myself out. Fast forward to 2004. The government changed the adoption laws to an open policy. I was 6 names away from having my search done for me, for free as part of the old adoption act. My search basically got thrown in the garbage because they were no longer doing it like that. They inform me that they will not give me any info unless I pay a 50$ fee and I have to go there in person to initiate a search. I was living 6500km from the office and there was no garuntee I would get any info,if a no contact order was signed they would just take my money and give me another copy of my non-identifying info that took them 7 yrs to get to me the first time. That's why I'm here, I'll die alone and miserable before they get one penny from me. I was promised they would take care of everything. Just another example of the web of lies associated with adoption.

[slbullough]

lol I have just started looking, try missing you and adoption register. I was a bit taken back that no one had searched for me either. I thought at least a sibling would be curious. Goodluckxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx:che er:

[kakuehl]

slbullough, just because you haven't found evidence of it, doesn't mean no one has searched. As you may have begun to discover, there are many different "rules" about searching and what you can find depending on where you were placed. I was incredibly lucky that D had registered on this site or we may not have found each other yet. Also remember that your siblings may not know of your existance. D was not a secret and I had told my children they had an older brother, but that is not always the case.


I wish you luch in your search.

[rainmon]

also many birthparents fear that their b-child might not even know that they are adopted. people did not always tell the adopted children years ago.

[chelle1975]

I am feeling the same way . i wonder every day is someone looking for me or do they really care . i am at a dead end road and do know where else to go.

[lla]

Originally Posted by quilliam

There are also the secrets, where the birthmother never told of placing their child. They fear those secrets to be revealed and further impound their shame and guilt. Although times have changed and others certainly are not going to look down upon them, as they did years ago.

Just because no one is not out searching for you, doesn't mean they don't want to. Go with what your heart feels.

check with the agency your adoption was done at. Most also at least in Canada post adoption where you can register.

take care

[lla]

In Canada i believe any family services ageny they have a place that you can register. The department would be post adoptions.