[kindofblue]

I am 29 years old, and was adopted as a newborn. I have a wonderful family.

Last week, I received an e-mail from my birth mother, saying she would like to have a conversation with me, but if I didn't want to, to delete the e-mail and she would not try to contact me again.

My parents were always open with me about the circumstances of my adoption. However, I have never been overly curious about my birth mother. Now I am quite curious.

I have e-mailed her a couple of times. She is clear she does not want me to consider her as family but it seems she wants to be friends or have some on-going correspondence. I have not talked to her on the phone yet, but have her number if I want to call her.

My parents were as shocked as I was. I called them immediately after receiving the e-mail. I do not quite know how they are feeling about all of this. I do know they are emotional, but all I've gotten out of them is "We will support whatever you decide to do."

I am not looking for another family, and do not need another person intimatley involved in my life, but at the same time, I would like to correspond with her occasionally.

I need advice.

1. If you are an adoptive parent....what are some of the thoughts and feelings my parents are likely to have right now? I need to know so that I can make an informed decision about how to proceed.

2. If you are a birth mother....what is she likely to be thinking and feeling. She has another family now, and obviously does not need me in her life.....however, I am very important to her and she wants some correspondence.

3. If there is anything or issues I am overlooking, please let me know.

My initial thoughts are some e-mail correspondence will be adequate. I'm not sure that I want to meet her, and if I do, I know that I don't want to consider her as family. I would consider her as an important, significant person in my life, but in no way family.

I just need some help. This is all new and quite overwhelming to me right now.

Thanks!

[mom of 2]

First of all do not worry so much about taking care of evry one else.They all love you and are adults and they will all get through this....Do what you need for yourself and give yourself the gift of finally having a choice

[mom of 2]

I am an adoptee and a b mom. I knowwhen my b mom found me ,she did not want contact with my a family.This was really painful for me.SO ,I made a point to reach out my son's a parents right away as well as him.At least you wrote your mom an email,I have not heard one word.My a parents were initiallly scared they would lose me and because of my abondonment issues,I was really afraid to connect with myb mom(a woman who had left me once) to betray I felt the only parents I had ever known.However I found out my a parents love did not change and my love for them did not change.Time settles it all down...

[mom of 2]

Do you have siblings? They may really want you in their life and they like you are the innocents in all this..

[Found at last]

Dear Kind,

IMO>> which is as a firstmother, I wonder if she feels as I did about my dd. I wonder about my dd. Basic questions would come up to the surface all the time. Unlike your birthmom, I didn't search for my dd though. In 2003, my dd found me. After two months she pulled back from me. That was very difficult for me to handle.
I would have liked to at least stayed in touch with her. Trying to connected with a complete stranger is very tough to do when you have a lot of emotions to deal with.
From my point of the view is be honest with yourself and your birthmom. Go slow too, because you both may have to deal with emotions you didn't even know you had.

Best of luck,
Found

[kindofblue]

Adoptive siblings, or blood siblings?

My adoptive parents (who are my only parents in my mind because they raised me) had three other children after they adopted me....so I have siblings.

My birth mother tells me she has since married and has three children. I am not sure they even know about me. If anything, if I entered the picture, things could get real sticky, and I really don't have a desire to meet them at all right now.

I am open to meeting just my birth mother, but have no need or desire for another family. I've told her this, and I think she feels the same way.

Anyway, I'm working through a lot of things right now. My top priority is not hurting my relationship with my parents.

[mom of 2]

i apprecite you not wanting to hurt your a parents,but am sad they have made you feel responsible to take care of their feelings. like I mentioned earlier because of your broken attachment to your b mom you may feel a need to prove to our a parents your loyalty/Has your b mom had a conversation with your a mom ,to reassure her and establish trust and respect?

[mom of 2]

Tell your mom ,your fears and she hopefully will respect your boundaries with adopted family

[kindofblue]

Originally Posted by mom of 2

i apprecite you not wanting to hurt your a parents,but am sad they have made you feel responsible to take care of their feelings. like I mentioned earlier because of your broken attachment to your b mom you may feel a need to prove to our a parents your loyalty/Has your b mom had a conversation with your a mom ,to reassure her and establish trust and respect?

My parents are truly supportive of whatever I decide to do. However, because this is all unexpected and out of the blue for me, I want to be careful about how to proceed. My parents are the most important thing in the world to me....I could not be where I am today without them. I don't feel like I have to take care of their feelings....I feel it is my duty to take their feelings into consideration when I make my decision about how to proceed....I believe any loyal child would do that.

My birth mom has not spoken to my perents. They do not know one another, and have never met. My bmom knew my last name due to a mistake on the adoption papers when she signed them...she saw the last name.....she typed it into the internet last week, and the first thing that came up was my work homepage. She contacted me through that.

Anyway, this has been very good for the relationship I have with my paretns too....they are very thankful that I have shared all of this with them, but they don't know what to feel, and won't tell me what they feel....they just said, it is your decision, and we support you whatever you decide to do.

I was just wondering what they may be feeling and thinking so that I know how to address their feelings and concerns....because it is new to all of us, we are all a bit unsure how to feel at this time.

I have asked my birth mother exactely what her hopes and expectations are in all of this...I want to be very clear from the start so that no one gets hurt in the future. I think if we set appropriate boundries and discuss where this is headed now, it will prevent things in the future. I will probably hear back from her tomorrow morning.

[mom of 2]

hmm, I spoke to my birth son;s mom,but have yet to speak to him or receive any contact.I suspect he feels torn like you,his adopted mom says that my showing up is like an old girlfriend coming around...Ouch..I guess I can only really tell you how your b mom feels and b siblings.My daughter asks me evryday if her brother has called.

[kindofblue]

How old is your birth son?

[ajjhmf]

Kind,

I'm an adoptive mom here, so I'll try and answer your questions from that angle. You are already doing everything you need to do in terms of your parents and their feelings. You aren't shutting them out. You are letting them in on what must be a tremendously emotional time for you. They are as you said, your parents and they will love you no matter what.

The best advice I can give is to not shut them out as you continue to talk to your birthmom. Also, I think many adoptive moms do worry about the day their childs birthmom comes into their life. I don't with my biological children. (We, like your parents, had 2 babies after adopting J. They are all our kids and I pray that some day my son speaks of us and his siblings as you do.) This may sound weird, but I know they have no other mom out there. My son has 2 more. His birth mom and his foster mom. I do worry that someday he may replace me with one of them. It's a small fear and one I keep hidden deep in my soul and do not let him know about, but it is there. And in talking to some other adoptive moms, I think I am not alone.

So, if I were your mom, you are already doing what you need to do to. Yes, your parents are adults. So are you and so is your birthmom. But, the reality of humanity is that people have feelings and we do try our best to not stomp on the feelings and lives of the people we love. I would just keep talking to them. Tell your parents your fears. Ask their advice. They may, while not adoptees, be able to help you with briding the gap, defining and starting the relationship you want and need with your birthmom.

Blessings on your reunion. And blessings to both your parents and your birthmon as you all figure this new journey out.

Jenny

[dpen6]

I know how you feel. No one wants to hurt the parents we love and respect. But...IMO...you are really not hurting them by having corrospondce with your birthmother. Take one day at atime...be totally honest with your parents, but make sure you are totally honest with yourself too and your needs.

You may find you want to persue a freindship, or you may find you don't even like each other...the point is that this really has to do with you and your birthmother...now before you clobber me....yes its effect your paretns too...but it does not need to effect your relationship with them...the fact they brought you up can never be replaced...your meeories, childlhood experiances, can never be looked at as the same. It was your parents...that gave you those..There is nothing and no one in this world that can ever replace that...for the good or the bad because we never are able to see the world though the eyes of a child again.

With bmom you may want to find family history, you may enjoy doing so, you may like her...and all of thats ok....it does NOT take anything away from your parents. You may find you don't really care for ewach other...thats ok to..but the fact you are in contact really should not hurt your parents....they may need reassurance but from one who has lived it...the 2"moms" are totally differnt intitys in my life. Very different feelings and situations..

The last thing I EVER wanted to do was hurt my parents...I have not..

Both my "mothers " have passed on so I do see things with a little more clairty then I did then...actually I was your age when I had the reunion....2 different women, 2 different relationships....both very valid...

[mom of 2]

My birth son is 21,his sister is 10...i really have looked forward to his turning 21.I told the caseworker at placement i wanted an adoptive set of parents who were open to a semi open adoption.That I would come back to be there for him as soon as was legal.They told me that his adoptive parents considered me as well as him part of their family.So my daughter grew up knowing she had a brother that was being raised by another family,but he was loved as much as her...I think I am reeling because of the (showing up like an exgirlfriend statement) I really realized my bsons parents and I had been on different pages all these years.I feel really used by the agency that misled me...I knew mybson well enough that once I realized his a parents attitude and that they were extremely thrreatened my chances for it all to go easy were slipping away. I am loyal,my daughter is loyal those are genetic qualities , and I knew he would be loyal to them..I never wanted to hurt him

[browneyes0707]

As a birthmom, IMO, you are going about everything the right way. I would only want my daughter to be honest with me and communicate her feelings, no matter what they are. Go slow, take it one day at a time, and do what you think is best. Keep communicating with both your a parents and your b-mom, I'm sure what they truly want is whatever makes YOU happy and comfortable.

Good luck!!!!