[Jannyroo]

Sorry, it looks like the cut and paste worked twice as I got logged out of time with replying! The 2nd attempt contains the name of the book by Julie Bailey et al.

[Jannyroo]

[quote=kindofblue]I am 29 years old, and was adopted as a newborn. I have a wonderful family. Last week, I received an e-mail from my birth mother, saying she would like to have a conversation with me, but if I didn't want to, to delete the e-mail and she would not try to contact me again.My parents were always open with me about the circumstances of my adoption. However, I have never been overly curious about my birth mother. Now I am quite curious.

I have e-mailed her a couple of times. She is clear she does not want me to consider her as family but it seems she wants to be friends or have some on-going correspondence. I have not talked to her on the phone yet, but have her number if I want to call her.
My parents were as shocked as I was. I called them immediately after receiving the e-mail. I do not quite know how they are feeling about all of this. I do know they are emotional, but all I've gotten out of them is "We will support whatever you decide to do."
I am not looking for another family, and do not need another person intimatley involved in my life, but at the same time, I would like to correspond with her occasionally. I need advice.

2. If you are a birth mother....what is she likely to be thinking and feeling. She has another family now, and obviously does not need me in her life.....however, I am very important to her and she wants some correspondence.

My initial thoughts are some e-mail correspondence will be adequate. I'm not sure that I want to meet her, and if I do, I know that I don't want to consider her as family. I would consider her as an important, significant person in my life, but in no way family.
I just need some help. This is all new and quite overwhelming to me right now.
_______________________________________________
Hi, your post is showing the confusion in your mind, which is understandable, but I would urge you to proceed with caution. I am 7 months into reunion with my 28yr son and if he contacted me with a view to being "curious" that would have destroyed me. He called me "mum" from the start and I chose to go through a professional intermediary to start with, so that I could temper the pace and search through my own feelings. It is a real tsunami and I wonder if you really know what pandoras box you are opening here. I doubt very much that your bmum is being anything other than cautious and I would suggest reading between the lines, because she is the one who searched for you and she doesn't want to get hurt. And this reunion/contact thing is BIG HURT, BIG TIME and plenty of it, even when it goes reasonably well. Curiosity is to me, not sufficient to go ahead with this, I feel you are justifying a peek and see to yourself by reasoning that "she does not want to consider me as family". What a dilemma that is! Even when a full head on reunion comes about, a bmum is never family in the way the adoptive parents have been. I have had to reconcile myself to the fact that the aparents have been his family for 28 years, that I am a mum, but not a mum (in that I didn't raise him), that I am a parent (in that I have to set boundaries for us both) and yet I'm not, I'm a single woman, he calls me "mum" and yet he has a "mum" a wonderful woman in my eyes. I gave him in trust to his aparents and they have given him a great life, but if I was approaching him instead of the other way round, I would be couching my terms to avoid the hurt as much as possible, as rejection and all the baggage we carry is enormous. In other words, she may say that she does not want you to consider her as family, but we can't be anything but friends to you adoptees. Having shared next to nothing of your life, how can we be anything else? (painful as it is, we miss out on those formative years of yours). Please, don't talk to her on the phone yet. Get some counselling and explore where you want this to go. Its an awful door to open of indescribable pain and mental agony even when you want it. A tsunami of emotions is the best way I can describe it once that door is open and there's no turning back. My son gave me his adoption agency's phone number and I called them first. It gave me time to clear my head, to discuss with them from their experience what I felt, or would feel, but nothing actually prepared me for what it opened deep in my heart. I would also suggest that you read Julie Bailey and Lynn Giddens book (survival guide to adoption and reunion and beyond) about aspects of reunion and the emotions involved, especially in relation to your bmother, so that you know exactly what you will be opening.

Your aparents sound great. My sons aparents were very supportive, but I think even they were not prepared for what followed, none of us were. it causes them pain, it causes all of the triad pain, its unavoidable, as much as we try to be considerate of feelings, pain is involved all the way around.

You say that she has another family now, and obviously does not need me in her life..... I don't agree! She does need you in her life, as she has made contact. Oh how our hearts are so treacherous in that we deceive even ourselves!

however, I am very important to her and she wants some correspondence. Of course you are important. No-one makes contact without wanting to establish some kind of relationship. We bmums can bend and yield to your requirements, because we never forget you! and we want things to work, we have that space in our hearts that never heals. Believe me. If your mum is contacting you, it is because there is the space in her heart to take you back into her life and how you both do that is something you both have to be honest about. Totally honest. If you don't want to have her in your life, then you must be honest with yourself and stop the ball rolling before even greater hurts happen.

You say I am not looking for another family, and do not need another person intimatley involved in my life, but at the same time, I would like to correspond with her occasionally. I need advice. Don't come to conclusions yet about the situation. You are not looking for another family, but your bmum wants you in her life in some shape or form. You are not being disloyal to your aparents, my son is not being disloyal to his aparents, and I have written to them to let them know that my son and I can have a relationship that will enhance theirs with him, as he comes to terms with who he is and his biological identity. He is loyal to them and I can assure them of that. Don't think that by contacting your bmum that your aparents will take second fiddle. As far as I am concerned, my sons aparents are his parents. I gave him in trust to them and lived with the consequences (unknown then) for the rest of my life. I accept that it will take years for my son and I to get even a reasonable relationship going (and this is where this forum helps as there are other birth mothers successfully combining their lives with their siblings). So don't jump the gun and assume this and that is what will happen. Reunions that are wanted on both sides are incredibly hard work and come with a lot of pain and unresolved issues. If you are up for that, go for it, but if you are not, back off now, before it goes too far. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I have been amazed in the 7 months of reunion with my son just how much agony I have had to endure. We are through the woods now, but we both needed to want it badly for it to work and it had to involve honesty and patience on all sides. Good luck, I hope some of the points will help you in making a decision.

p.s because I was timed out, I think this reply has ended up in another post, I cant quite fathom how that happened, but sorry!

[danap2]

Yes it is a hard thing to think about what does she want??? What did she give up?? What did you give up?? What do you really want? What are you really afraid of>>> These are the questions that are going through your mind and the have the right to. This is the biggest emtional roller coster that you will ever be on in your life. And there is nothing you can do about it right now but take the ride, you can set the pace, speed of the ride. But as soon as you think you have got everything on track you will hit a bumb and the ride will begin again. You can be the most controlled person in the world and this will, begin to control you.
You must stay strong and in control and even at that you will be hurt in some way. Its sad but true.
You can have a mind set that you wont be hurt and you can deal with everything but one day you willbe driving down the reoad, walking in the park and your emotions will take over. THe fear, the joy, the saddness, the questions and all the other stuff that goes along with this will be more than oyu can take,, just yell, scream cry do what ever you need to do and let out all the emotions... we all do this is our own way. We have to.
I am the child not the parent I found her and them him, a total roller coaster. Her not the great and still waiting for the bmum to come around, found the bdad had a great time for about 2 years then he pasted.

Not enough time so take everything you get from bmum and move forward at your own pace but always know that you might not get another chance.
So let your heart do what is right but make room for others in some form you might not get the chance again
Searched, FOund, Deined, Loved. then death
THis shoulf not happen to others
Dana

[lisarose]

I need advice.

1. If you are an adoptive parent....what are some of the thoughts and feelings my parents are likely to have right now? I need to know so that I can make an informed decision about how to proceed.

2. If you are a birth mother....what is she likely to be thinking and feeling. She has another family now, and obviously does not need me in her life.....however, I am very important to her and she wants some correspondence.

3. If there is anything or issues I am overlooking, please let me know.

My initial thoughts are some e-mail correspondence will be adequate. I'm not sure that I want to meet her, and if I do, I know that I don't want to consider her as family. I would consider her as an important, significant person in my life, but in no way family.

I just need some help. This is all new and quite overwhelming to me right now.

Thanks!


Hello, I'm a Bmom. I have yet to make contact with my children, but I can tell you how I feel in general and maybe other's will post which will be good because I am only one person. I'm here searching because both of my children have reached adulthood recently. What I'm going to say if I am ever allowed contact escapes me. Some of the thoughts that go thru my mind are "will they ever forgive me", "are they healthy and happy", "did I make the right decision", "how do I explain what happened those many years ago" "will I lose my footing if they knock on my door" Mostly because I want them in my life, even though I don't expect them to welcome me with open arms. They have been a part of me their entire life, their birthdays, the ages that are milestones like kindergarden, when they became teens, the age they may have graduated, the day they turned 18, etc. They have always been with me. IMO, the only way your going to know what happens is to make contact. The only way you will know is to stay open minded and see what happens. I wish you the best with my whole heart.

[danap2]

I have read your post and the replies are a very good. You can only do what your heart leads you to do. My story in a nut shell I located my B mom about 3 years ago I made contact & thought that we would one day meet I have still not meet her. I have how ever meet my grandmother, uncle and a few other family members I have never meet my 1/2 sister.

She does not want any contact. I have told her many times that I have a wonderful family and only want to know her as a freind and look into her eyes at least once in my life since she was able to look into my some 42 years ago. My heart has been broke that she has not given me that chance, yes she has a family and so do I and I would not give up what I have now for her. Because if it was not for her fathers choice in 1963 I would not be her today and have my children. I know that she has been through alot over the years I do not know if she ever thought of me or if she ever said a prayer for me I feel that she did & I know that the grandparents did. I have added 1/2 a family, which has been great. They are very kind and loving people and hate that we live 6 hours apart and can not see them more often.

On the other side if the family I also found my b father, he never knew I was born nothing about me. I meet his family my grandmother, aunts, uncles, both 1/2 brothers they opened their hearts to me no questions ask. They have a place in my heart for them. A year ago Feb my b father past away, it was heart breaking since he was my 1st dad and the 3rd dad that I had lost, My a father died when I was 10 yrs old, my step father who was my father the longest, my kids only grand father died a couple of years back the lossing the father that made me. Passed it was hard that I had only know him for a little over a year, and only been with him a few times. But they were all good times that I would not trade for anything.

My biggest fear is that soemthing will happen and I will never be able to meet my b mother. TO hold her once and look intoher eyes & tell her that I a greatful that she allowed me to become me. I do not need another mother, not even a friend, I just need to know her in some small way.

YOu are lucky that your (a) parents, your true parents know what is going on I have not had the heart to tellmy mom any of this out of fear that it will hurt her, because she is my mom and no one can replace that or should even try. But I would love to tell her & have her meet both grandmother...well they would all cry for days. THe strange part of all of this is my mom is about the same age as both grandmothers. All in good but not great health.

Now after all of this is my point, I just wanted you to understand where I am coming from. Take the chance meet her, talk with her. You might never get the chance again. You do not have to become her daughter you are in body but a mother & a daughter is only formed in the heart, no where else. Give it a chance.

Before I found my b parents I had always said I wanted to find them not let them know who I was and visit them at work. Carry on a casual conversion with them. Just see them and hear their voice. Then I would deciede what to do next, I wish I could have done this with her.

Being an adoptee has many things attached with it that others can never understand, we are our own breed with feeling and thoughts that others can not understand or ever think about.

Most of us being our life as an accident a passing 1 night stand ( it will never happen to me). Then we are giving away to someone or a home for a short while, then if you were one of the lucky ones you ended up with someone that wanted a child and could not have one, and then you were the chosen one. Then you are the searcher or the searchee. spelling??) Then you are the one with the broken heart or the heart that does not no what to do. We are just us with roots that run in so many directions that our foundation is strong but at times our branches are weak. WE look out for ourselves and that is who we are, our own person that no one person can claim.

Good luck on your quest it will never be over if you do not accept her request then you will always wander about it and you will never have peace.

So enjoy the holiday season and reach out if only once
Dana

[Moongrl22]

Originally Posted by kindofblue

I am 29 years old, and was adopted as a newborn. I have a wonderful family.

Last week, I received an e-mail from my birth mother, saying she would like to have a conversation with me, but if I didn't want to, to delete the e-mail and she would not try to contact me again.

My parents were always open with me about the circumstances of my adoption. However, I have never been overly curious about my birth mother. Now I am quite curious.

I have e-mailed her a couple of times. She is clear she does not want me to consider her as family but it seems she wants to be friends or have some on-going correspondence. I have not talked to her on the phone yet, but have her number if I want to call her.

My parents were as shocked as I was. I called them immediately after receiving the e-mail. I do not quite know how they are feeling about all of this. I do know they are emotional, but all I've gotten out of them is "We will support whatever you decide to do."

I am not looking for another family, and do not need another person intimatley involved in my life, but at the same time, I would like to correspond with her occasionally.

I need advice.

1. If you are an adoptive parent....what are some of the thoughts and feelings my parents are likely to have right now? I need to know so that I can make an informed decision about how to proceed.

2. If you are a birth mother....what is she likely to be thinking and feeling. She has another family now, and obviously does not need me in her life.....however, I am very important to her and she wants some correspondence.

3. If there is anything or issues I am overlooking, please let me know.

My initial thoughts are some e-mail correspondence will be adequate. I'm not sure that I want to meet her, and if I do, I know that I don't want to consider her as family. I would consider her as an important, significant person in my life, but in no way family.

I just need some help. This is all new and quite overwhelming to me right now.

Thanks!

I'm a Bmother who has moved on with her life since giving her Bchild up through Open Adoption. I'm the mother of three children and happily married. I can only speak for myself. When I gave up my Bchild, my only wish was that she was blessed, happy and healthy. A bonus would be to have a relationship with her someday when she's an adult. I'm not trying to take over as her mom. She's got an amazing family and I never want that to change. I'm here for her and I never want her to think she wasn't wanted. Giving her up was the toughest thing I've ever done in my entire life. Leaving the hospital without her in my arms took strength and courage. Going to sleep night after night, year after year wondering. waiting, missing her; praying to God she is happy/ Just moving on I had to find the strength inside myself. As some point you just leave it in God's hands and live life. It makes me sad that not all Adptions are happy endings and Not all Reunions are happy endings. Whatever is meant to happen, I leave it in God's hand. In my eyes, a miracle happened the day I gave birth to my Bchild. She changed my life for the better and I hope she can say ONE day I changed her life for the better.
I hope you find the answers you need and God bless you.