[dpen6]

Heidi.

Thank you for your honesty and for being so candid thats what I think many adoptees are looking for. You let us know your feelings and questions at the time...which are understandable...but kept your sons well being in the forefront. It must be hard but thats a sure sign of a great mom and unconditional love...

How are things now?

[kindofblue]

zxczxcasdasd

Thank you so much for your perspective. That is exactely what I was searching for. I think my parents are going through those same feelings that you voiced.

From the time that I posted this, the initial shock has worn off. I have been in e-mail contact with my bmom. I don't call her "mom" or any other special name, but I call her by her first name, as I feel like that is appropriate, and that is how she signs her e-mails.

At a minimum, she would like occasional contact and know the highlights of my life. Beyond, that, we will see how things go....a good friendship may or may not develop....only time will tell.

As far as my parents, they are still being quite reserved about it all. I am trying hard to keep everyone informed, and being open and honest each step along the way.

I e-mailed my bmom a picture, and she e-mailed me a picture as well. Although we don't resemble each other a whole lot, we are both quite tall and slender...so now I know why I am skinny and cannot gain weight.....a good problem to have.

I don't know how things will go from here, but it appears as though some sort of friendship may develop out of this. Thank you all for being of such help.

[kune]

zxczxcasdasd - You wrote.......

Now, I'm not afraid of their relationship. I know that my relationship with my son is something that happens between us, and the quality of that relationship is up to me to continue to take the lead in loving, hugging and laughing with my son and never make him responsible for calming my fears or making me feel loved by him. I will just love him. period. And whatever she brings to his life, doesn't subtract anything from my love for him. I'm the only one who can do that. And I want to welcome into our lives whomever he wishes to welcome into his, and on whatever terms. The most important thing to me is that his world feel intact and whole, not fractured or contentious. The one thing I need from him is honesty.

Beautiful words and thank you for writing them. They came from the heart and are so true.
Your son is a very lucky individual.

Thanks - Ann

[zxczxcasdasd]

You made my day. Thank you!

[danap2]

So not pass up the chance to meet with your birth mother. I found mine and see wants not contact, it has been almost 2 years since I first located the bmother and her letter of no contact. Since that time I have meet the grandmother, and a few other family members and talk and write them. But my heart breaks each day that I think about her and that I may never get to look into the eyes of my mother. Each and every day we get older and you never know when your time may be up.

I reference to a relationship I have a great Mom, Dad died when I was 10 & stepfather 4 yrs ago. These are my family that I love with all my heart and will always be my parents that no one can replace.

But seeing into the eyes of the one that gave birth to you is something I feel that I need to do. And not of a picture of her, her eyes.
I can remember the first time I looked into my bfathers eyes..and he looked into mine there was a connection there that you can not explain.. But I would not trade that for anything..since in March after only meeting him a couple of time he died. No I have 3 fathers in heaven looking down & watching over me...just think of their conversations..

So dont not get that chance to see into he eyes at least once in your life you may never get the chance again.

Have a great life
Dana

[danap2]

Okay I have been at home today on and off the computer, well this is what I have done.
I have emailed the bmother that wants no contact she will probably never read the email but I sent it any way. I told her in the email that I did locate the B father and that he passed away in March of 2006.
I would love to see the look on her face if she reads it. Yes this might have been cruel but I had a moment.
I felt that she should know that even without her help I did find him and he was a great man. Know I know that she will hate me even more
dumb move in weak moment

[kune]

danap2
Maybe you didn't screw-up. Maybe your gut told you you needed to send this e-mail and maybe things will be OK from this point. No throwing in the towel yet -" it aint ever over until the fat lady sings."

You said your birthmother hates you. Did she tell you this?? I can't for the life of me understand a birthmother hating her child so I question whether these are her words or yours? Even if she did speak the unspeakable, I doubt in her heart, it was a true.

danap - I like the way you refer to your three passed fathers. You have been blessed with the relationships you have had with these three dear Dad's. I hope, in the future, both Mom's in your life will be remembered as being so giving of themselves.

Ann

[josh1788smom]

Congratulations on being raised in a loving family and being sought out by your birthmother. I am a birthmother and have some thoughts from that perspective.

First, unfortunately in the adoption triad there are people that get hurt. The birthmother hurts when she is unable to raise her child and for many, many years after when she longs for contact with that child. The adoptive parents hurt when they cannot have a child - and then once blessed with one, hurt with feelings of that child abandoning them for another family. These hurts are apparently part of this old triad. I say old because it appears many, many more adoptions are open where all parties involved can benefit from knowing each other all the way through life.

Second, it saddens me to hear you put sooooo many restrictions on your possible relationship with your birthmom. I see this on here frequently with adoptees. There is such a blatant loyalty to the aparents, that you set barriers on your possible relationship with your birthmom. You do not put such limitations on friends or possible friends that enter your life. You just let those relationships bloom and see what happens. Wouldn't all parties be best served to have the same opportunity here? Haven't you ever been so close to someone that was not family, that you called them "Auntie" or "Uncle"? Would it be so bad if you had a closeness with the woman that gave birth to you and considered her family? Does that take something away from the woman that raised you? In my opinion - it does not. We can all benefit from having many people loving us. I do not always sense that from some adoptees.

In totally my opinion, I would say, you are keeping your parents informed and involved. You are quite past 18 years of age, so that is probably more than some non-adopted adults have done (Meaning myself included, I do not tell my parents everytime I meet sometime new. I may tell them if our relationship becomes significant). Do what you are comfortable with as far as your birthmom. You may want to meet your bio-sibs at some point and you may develop a relationship with them. Do you think you may be so adamant about not having a relationship because you think they may reject you? You may all benefit from knowing each other.

Good luck to you!!!

Erikka

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by josh1788smom

First, unfortunately in the adoption triad there are people that get hurt. The birthmother hurts when she is unable to raise her child and for many, many years after when she longs for contact with that child. The adoptive parents hurt when they cannot have a child - and then once blessed with one, hurt with feelings of that child abandoning them for another family. These hurts are apparently part of this old triad. I say old because it appears many, many more adoptions are open where all parties involved can benefit from knowing each other all the way through life.


In adoption its is the child who life is most impacted but it always continues to be about the parents. I would love to be able to read forums that truly look at the adopted adults feelings without having our aparents or birthparents telling us how much it hurts. Most of us get that and that is precisley why we are so confused...we are not allowed to feel our own indivual feelings whether it be hurt or content with our own situations.

Second, it saddens me to hear you put sooooo many restrictions on your possible relationship with your birthmom. I see this on here frequently with adoptees. There is such a blatant loyalty to the aparents, that you set barriers on your possible relationship with your birthmom. You do not put such limitations on friends or possible friends that enter your life. You just let those relationships bloom and see what happens. Wouldn't all parties be best served to have the same opportunity here? Haven't you ever been so close to someone that was not family, that you called them "Auntie" or "Uncle"? Would it be so bad if you had a closeness with the woman that gave birth to you and considered her family? Does that take something away from the woman that raised you? In my opinion - it does not. We can all benefit from having many people loving us. I do not always sense that from some adoptees.


Is there something wrong with being" blatantly loyal" to our parents? Non adoptees do it all the time and are respected for respecting their parents. Because you see, they are the only paretns I knew, because I love them I don't want to hurt them.....I don't see a problem there. Did I have a need to meet my birthmother at 29? YES, but I needed to resove my feelings without being told how to feel about my parents. Luckly my mom did understand but there still remained a deep fear of hurting the very women that brought me up....the only mother I knew, through no fault of anybody..especially mine.

At age 49 it especailly get my goat when younger birthmoms and adoptive moms will tell an adoptee how to feel...the "you need to understand" is really not respecting the Adoptee. We usually know that "we need to understand"...but I am thinking that the moms need to do more understanding of their sons and daughters of the deep, huge confusion that is not acknowledged of some adoptees.


Good luck to you!!!

Erikka

I Do and have understood the moms feelings, I have 5 children, I understand the love and feelings associated with giving birth and then bringing these kids to adulthood. I an still trying to do that with mine.....I have love and respect for both my moms and both were far from perfect. My feelings for each were very differnet and I don't feel I need to defend them one way or another. It just is

[josh1788smom]

I apologize that you took it any way other than as I meant it. I was only meaning - it is sad to place a restriction on a new relationship. That was basically it - and to point out the fact that there is pain all the way around in the adoption triad. The adoptee cannot be responsible and should not be responsible for all these parties' pain. That was really it - not to diminish the adoptee's thoughts or feelings. Sorry for the misinterpretation. Again - good luck to you.

[dpen6]

Hi there, Joshes mom,

I know you don't mean to hurt anyone. But I have to admit when I see some post that the adoptees loyality to aparents is a bad thing, I tend to get upset. As a matter of fact, I also get upset when an adoptive parent posts how their child has no need to search so then they MUST be content with their situation.....so that then that adoptee MUST be "better" then those poor wounded adoptees that need to search. when all of that really is untrue....its all somewhere in the middle.

[higgie]

Oh my! I know the feeling! Out of no where, I got an email this week. I was floored.I feel the same way you do. I am 48 and would like some medical background. Not even sure yet if she is my B mother. Trying to get to that point. Her family does not know that she adopted a child out. So I am trying to get all the information I can to find out if she really is my B mother. Don't have lot of information to go on. If any one can help, that would be great!

[kune]

Higgie
What information do you have of your adoption? Do you have any paper-work? How to know if the person contacting you is indeed your birthparent is, I imagine, very hard to validate. Can you ask the Agency or Court to check the details and verify if it is your birthmother?

I can't work out from your post whether the birthmother has contacted you, or you had your name out there on one of the registry's and she has responded. Has she given you her full name, and details?

Sorry - not much help - I didn't search, but instead was found by my birthson. I am a birthmother. I had not told my family that I had a 33 year old son, but once found, I told the world (or whoever wanted to hear.) I wasn't keeping secrets deliberately (but even I could see it was wrong not to tell my other children they had a half brother). I had always hoped (believed) that we would meet again as adults - maybe I had never come fully to terms with my own reality but I like to believe it was like a manuscript and I hadn't completed the chapters. Perhaps your birthmother feels the same.

I wish you well in whatever ensues. If it is indeed your birthmother, I hope you have many many happy moments and form a relationship that is beneficial to both.

Regards - Ann

[mom2justynsarah]

I need advice.

1. If you are an adoptive parent....what are some of the thoughts and feelings my parents are likely to have right now? I need to know so that I can make an informed decision about how to proceed.


You sound like a very thoughtful, loving & caring daughter. I would continue to be open and honest with your aparents. They will be supportive no matter what your decision is.

I don't think there is any wrong or right answer. I just know that with my own children, honesty is the best policy.

My daughter is only 2 years old now. So right now she is only aware of us as her family. She is growing up with her big brother, who she absolutely adores!

But she also has a huge bioligical family (3 full blooded siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmother etc).

When she is ready for contact, we will continue to love her and support her no matter what!

[Jannyroo]

[quote=kindofblue]I am 29 years old, and was adopted as a newborn. I have a wonderful family. Last week, I received an e-mail from my birth mother, saying she would like to have a conversation with me, but if I didn't want to, to delete the e-mail and she would not try to contact me again.My parents were always open with me about the circumstances of my adoption. However, I have never been overly curious about my birth mother. Now I am quite curious.

I have e-mailed her a couple of times. She is clear she does not want me to consider her as family but it seems she wants to be friends or have some on-going correspondence. I have not talked to her on the phone yet, but have her number if I want to call her.
My parents were as shocked as I was. I called them immediately after receiving the e-mail. I do not quite know how they are feeling about all of this. I do know they are emotional, but all I've gotten out of them is "We will support whatever you decide to do."
I am not looking for another family, and do not need another person intimatley involved in my life, but at the same time, I would like to correspond with her occasionally. I need advice.

2. If you are a birth mother....what is she likely to be thinking and feeling. She has another family now, and obviously does not need me in her life.....however, I am very important to her and she wants some correspondence.

My initial thoughts are some e-mail correspondence will be adequate. I'm not sure that I want to meet her, and if I do, I know that I don't want to consider her as family. I would consider her as an important, significant person in my life, but in no way family.
I just need some help. This is all new and quite overwhelming to me right now.

Hi, your post is showing the confusion in your mind, which is understandable, but I would urge you to proceed with caution. I am 7 months into reunion with my 28yr son and if he contacted me with a view to being "curious" that would have destroyed me. He called me "mum" from the start and I chose to go through a professional intermediary to start with, so that I could temper the pace and search through my own feelings. It is a real tsunami and I wonder if you really know what pandoras box you are opening here. I doubt very much that your bmum is being anything other than cautious and I would suggest reading between the lines, because she is the one who searched for you and she doesn't want to get hurt. And this reunion/contact thing is BIG HURT, BIG TIME and plenty of it, even when it goes reasonably well. Curiosity is to me, not sufficient to go ahead with this, I feel you are justifying a peek and see to yourself by reasoning that "she does not want to consider me as family". What a dilemma that is! Even when a full head on reunion comes about, a bmum is never family in the way the adoptive parents have been. I have had to reconcile myself to the fact that the aparents have been his family for 28 years, that I am a mum, but not a mum (in that I didn't raise him), that I am a parent (in that I have to set boundaries for us both) and yet I'm not, I'm a single woman, he calls me "mum" and yet he has a "mum" a wonderful woman in my eyes. I gave him in trust to his aparents and they have given him a great life, but if I was approaching him instead of the other way round, I would be couching my terms to avoid the hurt as much as possible, as rejection and all the baggage we carry is enormous. In other words, she may say that she does not want you to consider her as family, but we can't be anything but friends to you adoptees. Having shared next to nothing of your life, how can we be anything else? (painful as it is, we miss out on those formative years of yours). Please, don't talk to her on the phone yet. Get some counselling and explore where you want this to go. Its an awful door to open of indescribable pain and mental agony even when you want it. A tsunami of emotions is the best way I can describe it once that door is open and there's no turning back. My son gave me his adoption agency's phone number and I called them first. It gave me time to clear my head, to discuss with them from their experience what I felt, or would feel, but nothing actually prepared me for what it opened deep in my heart. I would also suggest that you read Julie Bailey and Lynn Giddens book about aspects of reunion and the emotions involved, especially in relation to your bmother, so that you know exactly what you will be opening.

Your aparents sound great. My sons aparents were very supportive, but I think even they were not prepared for what followed, none of us were. it causes them pain, it causes all of the triad pain, its unavoidable, as much as we try to be considerate of feelings, pain is involved all the way around.

You say that she has another family now, and obviously does not need me in her life.....wrong! and wrong again! She does need you in her life, as she has made contact. Oh how our hearts are so treacherous in that we deceive even ourselves!

however, I am very important to her and she wants some correspondence. Of course you are important. No-one makes contact without wanting to establish some kind of relationship. We bmums can bend and yield to your requirements, because we never forget you! and we want things to work, we have that space in our hearts that never heals. Believe me. If your mum is contacting you, it is because there is the space in her heart to take you back into her life and how you both do that is something you both have to be honest about. Totally honest. If you don't want to have her in your life, then you must be honest with yourself and stop the ball rolling before even greater hurts happen.

You say I am not looking for another family, and do not need another person intimatley involved in my life, but at the same time, I would like to correspond with her occasionally. I need advice. Don't come to conclusions yet about the situation. You are not looking for another family, but your bmum wants you in her life in some shape or form. You are not being disloyal to your aparents, my son is not being disloyal to his aparents, and I have written to them to let them know that my son and I can have a relationship that will enhance theirs with him, as he comes to terms with who he is and his biological identity. He is loyal to them and I can assure them of that. Don't think that by contacting your bmum that your aparents will take second fiddle. As far as I am concerned, my sons aparents are his parents. I gave him in trust to them and lived with the consequences (unknown then) for the rest of my life. I accept that it will take years for my son and I to get even a reasonable relationship going (and this is where this forum helps as there are other birth mothers successfully combining their lives with their siblings). So don't jump the gun and assume this and that is what will happen. Reunions that are wanted on both sides are incredibly hard work and come with a lot of pain and unresolved issues. If you are up for that, go for it, but if you are not, back off now, before it goes too far. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I have been amazed in the 7 months of reunion with my son just how much agony I have had to endure. We are through the woods now, but we both needed to want it badly for it to work and it had to involve honesty and patience on all sides. Good luck, I hope some of the points will help you in making a decision.
[quote=kindofblue]I am 29 years old, and was adopted as a newborn. I have a wonderful family. Last week, I received an e-mail from my birth mother, saying she would like to have a conversation with me, but if I didn't want to, to delete the e-mail and she would not try to contact me again.My parents were always open with me about the circumstances of my adoption. However, I have never been overly curious about my birth mother. Now I am quite curious.

I have e-mailed her a couple of times. She is clear she does not want me to consider her as family but it seems she wants to be friends or have some on-going correspondence. I have not talked to her on the phone yet, but have her number if I want to call her.
My parents were as shocked as I was. I called them immediately after receiving the e-mail. I do not quite know how they are feeling about all of this. I do know they are emotional, but all I've gotten out of them is "We will support whatever you decide to do."
I am not looking for another family, and do not need another person intimatley involved in my life, but at the same time, I would like to correspond with her occasionally. I need advice.

2. If you are a birth mother....what is she likely to be thinking and feeling. She has another family now, and obviously does not need me in her life.....however, I am very important to her and she wants some correspondence.

My initial thoughts are some e-mail correspondence will be adequate. I'm not sure that I want to meet her, and if I do, I know that I don't want to consider her as family. I would consider her as an important, significant person in my life, but in no way family.
I just need some help. This is all new and quite overwhelming to me right now.

Hi, your post is showing the confusion in your mind, which is understandable, but I would urge you to proceed with caution. I am 7 months into reunion with my 28yr son and if he contacted me with a view to being "curious" that would have destroyed me. He called me "mum" from the start and I chose to go through a professional intermediary to start with, so that I could temper the pace and search through my own feelings. It is a real tsunami and I wonder if you really know what pandoras box you are opening here. I doubt very much that your bmum is being anything other than cautious and I would suggest reading between the lines, because she is the one who searched for you and she doesn't want to get hurt. And this reunion/contact thing is BIG HURT, BIG TIME and plenty of it, even when it goes reasonably well. Curiosity is to me, not sufficient to go ahead with this, I feel you are justifying a peek and see to yourself by reasoning that "she does not want to consider me as family". What a dilemma that is! Even when a full head on reunion comes about, a bmum is never family in the way the adoptive parents have been. I have had to reconcile myself to the fact that the aparents have been his family for 28 years, that I am a mum, but not a mum (in that I didn't raise him), that I am a parent (in that I have to set boundaries for us both) and yet I'm not, I'm a single woman, he calls me "mum" and yet he has a "mum" a wonderful woman in my eyes. I gave him in trust to his aparents and they have given him a great life, but if I was approaching him instead of the other way round, I would be couching my terms to avoid the hurt as much as possible, as rejection and all the baggage we carry is enormous. In other words, she may say that she does not want you to consider her as family, but we can't be anything but friends to you adoptees. Having shared next to nothing of your life, how can we be anything else? (painful as it is, we miss out on those formative years of yours). Please, don't talk to her on the phone yet. Get some counselling and explore where you want this to go. Its an awful door to open of indescribable pain and mental agony even when you want it. A tsunami of emotions is the best way I can describe it once that door is open and there's no turning back. My son gave me his adoption agency's phone number and I called them first. It gave me time to clear my head, to discuss with them from their experience what I felt, or would feel, but nothing actually prepared me for what it opened deep in my heart. I would also suggest that you read Julie Bailey and Lynn Giddens book (survival guide to adoption and reunion) about aspects of reunion and the emotions involved, especially in relation to your bmother, so that you know exactly what you will be opening.

Your aparents sound great. My sons aparents were very supportive, but I think even they were not prepared for what followed, none of us were. it causes them pain, it causes all of the triad pain, its unavoidable, as much as we try to be considerate of feelings, pain is involved all the way around.

You say that she has another family now, and obviously does not need me in her life.....wrong! and wrong again! She does need you in her life, as she has made contact. Oh how our hearts are so treacherous in that we deceive even ourselves!

however, I am very important to her and she wants some correspondence. Of course you are important. No-one makes contact without wanting to establish some kind of relationship. We bmums can bend and yield to your requirements, because we never forget you! and we want things to work, we have that space in our hearts that never heals. Believe me. If your mum is contacting you, it is because there is the space in her heart to take you back into her life and how you both do that is something you both have to be honest about. Totally honest. If you don't want to have her in your life, then you must be honest with yourself and stop the ball rolling before even greater hurts happen.

You say I am not looking for another family, and do not need another person intimatley involved in my life, but at the same time, I would like to correspond with her occasionally. I need advice. Don't come to conclusions yet about the situation. You are not looking for another family, but your bmum wants you in her life in some shape or form. You are not being disloyal to your aparents, my son is not being disloyal to his aparents, and I have written to them to let them know that my son and I can have a relationship that will enhance theirs with him, as he comes to terms with who he is and his biological identity. He is loyal to them and I can assure them of that. Don't think that by contacting your bmum that your aparents will take second fiddle. As far as I am concerned, my sons aparents are his parents. I gave him in trust to them and lived with the consequences (unknown then) for the rest of my life. I accept that it will take years for my son and I to get even a reasonable relationship going (and this is where this forum helps as there are other birth mothers successfully combining their lives with their siblings). So don't jump the gun and assume this and that is what will happen. Reunions that are wanted on both sides are incredibly hard work and come with a lot of pain and unresolved issues. If you are up for that, go for it, but if you are not, back off now, before it goes too far. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I have been amazed in the 7 months of reunion with my son just how much agony I have had to endure. We are through the woods now, but we both needed to want it badly for it to work and it had to involve honesty and patience on all sides. Good luck, I hope some of the points will help you in making a decision.