[mom of 2]

since you are an adoptee with only fierce loyalty to your adoptive parents. How would you handle knowing that you had a birth sister out there that every time there is a hang up on our phone says ,Hi,I am your sister into the empty line. She is convinced her brother will call ,and asks if heis mad at her.I just wonder what makes an adoptee think that a birth mom does not need ,love or miss them probably equal to their adoptive family.I know you are in the middle of your issue ,I just wanted to ask that question.Most adoptees are thrilled to be found,SO maybe you could give me some advice on what to tell my son's sister.We were told he would be prepared for aour contact when he was 21.

[longingtomeetyou]

hi there

im a birthmom to a daughter whos 16.....
its a closed adoption
tried to get a picture and adoptive parents refused to send one after saying they would ......


my opinion is ......
your birthmom has thought about you and wondered how you are doing all your life.........
as i have also......

the only difference is that i would love contact with daughter when shes ready.......


any kind of communication between you and your birthmom is probably better than nothing for her.........she probably wants you to let you 'call the shots' per say......

she is probably afraid you might reject her too.......

so many emotions run wild during reunion ....its crazy.......


remember your adoptive parents will always love you no matter what you do.....your loyalties to them will NOT affect your relationship with your birthmom.......

you have an established relationship with adoptive parents and thats great.....
i wouldnt feel bad about reuniting with birthmom .......

you have the ball in your hands......
you reunite when you think your ready for it .......

i wish you all the best in your reunion process......

[mom of 2]

I can only pray my b son contacts me and establishes boundaries with me ,with dignity and respect as that is the only way I have evr treated him or his adoptive parents.Does every one forget the birth moms role in everything???How did the adoptee get to that family?

[longingtomeetyou]

Originally Posted by mom of 2

I can only pray my b son contacts me and establishes boundaries with me ,with dignity and respect as that is the only way I have evr treated him or his adoptive parents.Does every one forget the birth moms role in everything???How did the adoptee get to that family?

i hear ya ....loud and clear

[mom of 2]

I took the leap of faith all those years ago,to give a stranger my baby and now the adoptive family can't take a leap of faith and crack there door just a little.Mindblowing..I truly wish you as an adoptee the best ,you deserve it.Just try to remember to give your bith mom a chance ,she did that for you...

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by mom of 2

I can only pray my b son contacts me and establishes boundaries with me ,with dignity and respect as that is the only way I have evr treated him or his adoptive parents.Does every one forget the birth moms role in everything???How did the adoptee get to that family?

This is an adoptee asking for advice...the continual "but don't you know what I went through" is not productive to us and our process of figuring out what to do. As much as we need to know and as much as we have compassion for our bmoms situation, there are times that the process is about the adoptee trying to get wahts right for her. This is one of them.

Nobody is forgetting bmoms role...we need to fugure out what OUR role is in terms of both bmom and amom.

[mom of 2]

Gotcha ,I have been really cool,while being ignored and disrespected.Just fell into my own stuff.This adoptee said his primary focus was on not upsetting his adoptive family..

[dpen6]

I fully support you talking about it, I know it was horrible but an adoptee needs to process their own situations without the competion of bmom/amoms. Whatever we feel ...we feel. The constant barrage of feelings from both moms to the adoptee only causes exterme confusion, fear and sometimes depression. On these forums its been my experiance that the moms have more opportunity to talk then thee adoptees....the man in the middle sort of speak.

I do feel compassion for your situation ......

[kindofblue]

Originally Posted by mom of 2

I can only pray my b son contacts me and establishes boundaries with me ,with dignity and respect as that is the only way I have evr treated him or his adoptive parents.Does every one forget the birth moms role in everything???How did the adoptee get to that family?

No, no one has forgotten the birth mother's role. I am, and will always be very thankful to her. This just took me as quite a surprise is all. I am happy that she contacted me, but it brought out emotions in me that I did not know I have. I am a logical, non-emotional person in general, so it takes me some time to work through this.

I don't think a relationship can happen overnight...in fact, I know that. It takes much time to develop. And in this case, it will take time.

We have sorted things out (my birth mom and I) at this point. We e-mailed last night and this morning, and have decided to just take things slow, correspond a bit as time goes on, and see how the relationship develops. It may grow to a good friendship, it may not....only time will tell.

As far as your daughter....I don't know what to tell you. My situation sounds quite different than the situation you are in. I found out that my birth mom is married and has three children. She does not see me as a "brother" to them, and I don't feel any connection to them. As far as I know, they do not even know about me.

I can say, that if she had approached this as "I want to be part of your family now," I would have not responded in the same way. I probably would not have responded at all. However, she approached me as, "I would like to have a conversation with you. I know you have a wonderful family, and don't need another one, but one can never have enough friends." I am open, and excited about this prospect.

[taramayrn]

mom_of_2 I suggest you start your own thread asking the questions you need answered. You might get more responses, unfortunately, you've come into the middle of an established thread with it's own course and started asking your questions, so your questions get a bit lost.

[dpen6]

Kindofblue,

I have to say the comment your birthmom made "I just want to have a conversation with you" is awesome. It does not feel as you were being pushed into anything, or having expecations, that we don't feel comfortable with, being thrown at us.

I think you are very wise to take it slow. The contact does bring up emotion=ms that are a surprise. With me, I was the searcher and still had lots of unexpected feelings..confusing feelings, one of the biggest was my total horror at the thought of hurting my parents. Again the relationship just evolved, had some bumps and things said that I, and she and my parents had to deal with...but I am very glad I got the cahnce to know my birthmom...and eventually came to realize that the 2 realtionships were very seperate.

Good luck

[mom of 2]

I want to say I never expected to be (part of the family)though that is what the caseworker told me at placement.So that is the extreme belief I had for 21 years..I too am really readjusting, I just believed her when she said,They think it is important to D that you come back in his life when he is grown and we will always have him ready for that ,you will not be a secret in our hom,ect. I am really burned at the adoption agency everything else is just a ripple effect of being misled..I wrote letters and put myself out there and they were in a different mind set,I truly at best would have like to be able to exchange letters and just have things be comfortable as I thought they were....I suspect my son must be happy and content or I would have heard something.So ,that is really all that matters in the end

[browneyes0707]

Kind of Blue:

I wish you the best of luck with your reunion!!!!

[fox1972]

Hi Kindofblue!
I am an adoptee too. I searched and found my bmom. The process was hard for my parents to understand but they have tried to be understanding. I continue to tell them how important they are to me. They are my parents first and foremost. I too was never looking for another family. I have appreciated knowing more about my history and where I came from. I'm so grateful that I was adopted and that I have the family I have. I just keep reassuring them of my love for them.
As far as not wanting to meet your siblings. Just take it slow. Thats what I did. I still don't call her mom or call my brother "brother". I'm not sure if that bothers her or not. It almost feels like I would be betraying my family. Some day you might want to know more-and maybe not. One step at a time. There were times I have had to step back and take some time and space from the relationship.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Kindofblue,

I think it's wonderful that you are seeking input and trying to understand everyone's situation before you proceed. But as your parents said, it's your decision how you proceed and the one thing everything needs from you is not so much guarding of their feelings as to be clear about what you truly want or don't want so that they can deal with whatever that is. So I hope you are spending as much time just looking inwardly as well. It sounds like you are pretty clear. If you can communicate with clarity to both of them then they can process it and everyone can come to terms and adjust to the new situation.

You asked what the different parties might be feeling. It looks like you've gotten a lot of bmom responses about what they might be feeling, and a couple amom responses as well. I can share what I experienced as an amom in the same situation, and hopefully it will give you some insight. The fact that all your parents will say is "we will support you whatever you decide" leads me to believe we might be similar.

The day my son got an email from his bmom, I was surprised, shocked and confused. But I tried very hard to keep anything but the "neutral, loving face" out of his view and to just repeat "It's your decision and we will love and support you whatever you decide." I couldn't stop thinking about it, though. Wondering what she would have to say if they ever spoke. How would things progress? What if he likes her better? What if she hurts him? What if she makes him feels divided? What if I make him feel that way? What if he's struck by a resemblance? What are they expecting from him? What if her kids expect him to be "instant big brother"? What if he wants to be? How will it affect his little bro with us? What if he feels pressured, by them or by us? Wondering what he feels at all? Is he dying to do this and just afraid to tell us? Does he not want this and is afraid to tell her? I was full of fear and questions and sometimes just needed to cry my eyes out at the thought of my son meeting his biological mother, which no matter how much I wish I was, I can never be. That's a hard thing to have to remember when you've been able to live so long without having to remember it. You always remember it intellectually, but emotionally, it usually doesn't hit amoms of closed adoptions until the bmom becomes an actual person in the child's life. I had to grieve that a little then, even though I never had before. I also desparately wanted to not let any of my fears or issues have any effect on him, or for him to decide based on "not hurting me". The only way I could ensure that I was NOT pressuring him or conveying my feelings, was to just keep repeating the "We will support you...." line. It was the only thing I trusted to come out of my mouth.

That was the first week. I just needed a safe place to cry and work through the fears. That's when I found this place, in addition to good friends. Now, I'm not afraid of their relationship. I know that my relationship with my son is something that happens between us, and the quality of that relationship is up to me to continue to take the lead in loving, hugging and laughing with my son and never make him responsible for calming my fears or making me feel loved by him. I will just love him. period. And whatever she brings to his life, doesn't subtract anything from my love for him. I'm the only one who can do that. And I want to welcome into our lives whomever he wishes to welcome into his, and on whatever terms. The most important thing to me is that his world feel intact and whole, not fractured or contentious. The one thing I need from him is honesty.

Based on their repetition of the "we will support you.." line, my guess is that your parents are unsure of how they feel, feel conflicting things and are in general, riding the crazy wave of emotion that happens with the first connection after a closed adoption, but want very much not to pressure you either way and leave things in your hands. I think and hope that if they have a safe place to work through any fears, that will be of great help to them. Also, if you are honest with them and the bmom about what you want to do, then everyone will have the truth to be able to deal with and no one will be going crazy playing the guessing games in their head. Just speak from your heart in honesty.

You parents can be supportive and little scared at the same time. It's not your job to calm their fears, only to be honest and open to the extent you are able and comfortable. Of course, a well-timed hug, kiss on the cheek and "I love you Mom" can go a LONG way.

Congratulations on connecting with your bmom and on your supportive family. If I can be of any help to your mom, aka "safe place", feel free to pm or email me.