[banjo]

This is a hypothetical question and I would like adoptee's thoughts. Many adoptees in reunion don't want/need a lot of contact with their bmothers. I know a few bmothers in this situation where all we get are random emails or texts or phone calls from our bchildren. Or we do 90 percent of the work in the relationship. For myself and many others we have now given up hope of the relationship ever improving.

But what to do about it?

I was wondering how adoptees who don't want a lot of contact would feel if your bmother was honest and said that she accepted that the relationship was never going to be more than it is BUT that she needed more (ie say more f-2-f contact, or regular emails etc) AND since she knew that you were not ready to give more and she couldn't see it changing she had decided it was best for her to cut contact and move on in her life with certainty.

Or would it be better to just let the relationship fade away - which is what is happening to most of us anyway unless we continue to do all the work.

Would you respect our honesty or would it just be yet another bmother rejection?

[BrandyHagz]

I have contact with my bmom (a few emails a year)...if she wanted more, I'd likely shut down the relationship. I had an open adoption, so I might not be the kind of adoptee you're looking for...but I just don't have a desire to have a mom and daughter relationship with her...but in this regard, I'm lucky, she makes NO effort and rarely even responds to emails (2 this year) I send...which is ok with me.

I did, however, enjoy the contact I had with her and her family growing up...there was no 'unknown' for me.

[Jan18]

I have been in reunion for 9 mo. In the beginning, I felt that I was putting forth most of the effort. I am 33 years old. I think every relationship is going to be different. I want honesty, but I don't think my bmom is ready to talk about everything. I know my basic story, but she is not open to answering a lot of questions. It is too painful. We are talking about day to day things, and for now, that is great. We live 500 miles apart so that makes getting to know each other hard too. We are limited to phone calls and e-mail. I talk to her on the phone about once a month. We have been e-mailing every few days, a few sentences here and there. In the beginning I didn't hear from her much and it just killed me. We went through a few months where she didn't contact me. I think I was over loading her with questions.

I hope this helps....

[thediva320]

I found my bmom in April and on May 8th we had our first phone call. She, very obviously, had no desire to speak about anything in the past. When she did talk about the past, she blamed everyone but herself for what had happened to me. (I was a neglect case and she was a drug abuser). We had a superficial relationship. We talked about most of the things she wanted to talk about, and the stuff I wanted to talk about she just lied about. I can say that because I knew my entire story inside and out. We were in contact for two months. She pushed for a face to face right away and against better judgement allowed it by that weekend. We no longer speak, mainly because of her lack of honesty. Her unwillingness to speak of what happened truthfully or anything for that matter. I felt like I put in 100% of the effort in that relationship and got nothing in return. However, I don't feel rejected. Mainly because I went into this expecting that this would happen. Now, with bdad's side of the family, there is 50-50 effort. Bdad has passed, but his sister and I talk, weekly. Due to money issues it makes it difficult to visit one another, but there is definitly 50-50 in this relationship.
I believe that this type of relationship, much like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, takes a very long time to establish. I believe that both sides go into a reunion with a certain level of expectation of the other. Unfortunatly I also think that people end up getting disappointed when those expectations aren't fulfilled. I think if the reunion is nurtured and time is taken, it will get better. But it's navigating. As an adoptee, we go into these with so many questions that need answering. We often feel like we are betraying our aparents in searching for "our missing part" thus resulting in little contact in the beginning. But in time we learn how to juggle both relationships and we realize that it's okay. Pushing for more f-2-f or more phone calls, emails, letters when the other isn't ready will ultimately scare off the other. It takes time and patience.
I think that if there is a relationship, no matter how little, that's better than nothing at all right? Be hopeful that things will get easier, PATIENCE PATIENCE PATIENCE is the most important. One phone call a month, better than nothing at all. In time it could turn to two or three and eventually maybe talking everyday.
I hope this helps.

[banjo]

Originally Posted by thediva320

Pushing for more f-2-f or more phone calls, emails, letters when the other isn't ready will ultimately scare off the other. It takes time and patience.
I think that if there is a relationship, no matter how little, that's better than nothing at all right? Be hopeful that things will get easier, PATIENCE PATIENCE PATIENCE is the most important. One phone call a month, better than nothing at all. In time it could turn to two or three and eventually maybe talking everyday.

Hi, this is the point - I don't think there is much point in having a "little" relationship - random texts that I reply to and then my bchild doesn't reply to my reply - it's pointless and frustrating. I know other bmothers who get random emails from their bchildren or simply those joke emails - no message attached - just a forwarded joke email. How long do some of us accept these relationship crumbs? That is the question that we are asking ourselves.

Brandy - thanks for your honest reply. So if your bmother said "I want more contact but I know you don't want that so I am going to cutting contact." - then this comment from her would obviously not bother you in the least?

[BrandyHagz]

No, banjo, it wouldn't bother me, but I would be glad she was being honest with me. The last thing that I want is to create pain in her life - I am happy, at least in our situation, that I am not...(I am on the other side, I have the kind of contact with my bmom that you have with your child in regards to forwarded jokes and chain emails, I get plenty of those).

I just have no desire to take it any further. I've moved on with my life...

Understand, however, that I really have a lot of anger directed towards her...I'm sure this plays an important roll in my attitude towards our contact.

I could take it or leave it...ya know?

[banjo]

Thanks Brandy,

I think my bdaughter has lots of anger as well as loyalty towards her aparents. The sad part is that I know other bmothers in the same weird situation and often we all make excuses for why these bchildren are behaving this way towards us. But the cold reality is if they wanted to have a meaning ful relationship with us then they would make the effort. "They are just not into us" I guess so then we have to decide what to do about it. Cut our losses or put up and shut up.

[irisheyes33]

Banjo, I have a lot of sympathy for you. I am in a very close relationship (despite the distance) with my birthmother, but she did not want contact at first. One of the reasons for that was she was afraid I would extract the curiosities and answers I needed from her and then toss her aside. She couldn't deal with that. For her, it was an all or nothing proposition. She also knew it wasn't fair to ask that of me, so she hid at first. I had to really come knocking and convince her that, assuming we were going to be open and honest and good to each other, that we could certainly have an ongoing relationship. I love my birthmother dearly, but the best part about our relationship is that we are such terrific friends. We have a lot in common. That, coupled with the birth bond, has made us healthy and I would venture to say inseperable.

I see nothing wrong with communicating with your birthchild that you simply cannot cope with the sporadic contact because it is too hard on you, and that you don't wish to be hurtful, but if that's all they can handle that you need to go your own way FOR NOW. Don't make that the final straw though...you never know what the future will bring. This just may not be the right time. But the bottom line is...you need to take care of yourself. And you can do it, in this case, without leaving lifelong wounds or throwing a heap of obligation on your child.

Good luck

[banjo]

Originally Posted by irisheyes33

I see nothing wrong with communicating with your birthchild that you simply cannot cope with the sporadic contact because it is too hard on you, and that you don't wish to be hurtful, but if that's all they can handle that you need to go your own way FOR NOW. Don't make that the final straw though...you never know what the future will bring. This just may not be the right time. But the bottom line is...you need to take care of yourself. And you can do it, in this case, without leaving lifelong wounds or throwing a heap of obligation on your child.

Good luck

Thanks, the sporadic contact just gets my hopes up and then gets me upset when nothing comes of it. It does my head in to be honest. I know I created this situation and I am sorry about that but my best efforts to put things right have obviously not been good enough or whatever - sigh. It would just be nice to be able to occasionally chat.

[thediva320]

Banjo, I can understand your position in all this. I can imagine it must be difficult for you to not have as much contact with your bdaughter as you would like. I do have one question, however. How long have you been in reunion with your bdaughter? I ask because that also makes a difference. I agree with irisheyes33, if you feel that at this point in time you cannot continue with a relationship with your bdaughter, you do need to explain to her something along the lines of "I was looking for more out of our relationship, but I get the feeling you are not comfortable with that at this time. I will be here if and when you are ready for further contact." Or something to that effect. I am a huge fan of honesty no matter what, especially when adoption is the concern. So I think that you need to be honest with her about how you feel without burning any bridges. If she does feel anger towards you and her adoption, she is going to need to work through that without ultimatums from you. (I, by no means mean that in a rude way.) Another question I have is, who found who? Did she find you or did you find her? That could also be a reason for her "distance" in the relationship. If you found her, she may not have been ready for that at this point in her life, something you will have to respect. Also, if she found you, she may have only been looking to ease her curiosity. Not to say it won't develope into something more in the future, but that is all she may have wanted. As far as loyalty to aparents go, it is stronger than a lot of bparents know. A lot of adoptees have such strong feelings of guilt for finding bfamily and sharing it (or at times, hiding it) from aparents. Which is again, something she will have to work thru when she is ready. I think you need to do what's best for you. But remember, not all adoptees act "this" way. At times, it's the bparents who act this way and we are left to wonder what happened.

[BrandyHagz]

Well, I think if I knew she gave a darn, I'd feel different. The fact is, she doesnt - so I'm not the right person to even be speaking - clearly, our situations are different.

I don't think anyone likes to be pushed tho, so you might consider just trying to have a grown up adult talk with her about how you feel.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by banjo

This is a hypothetical question and I would like adoptee's thoughts. Many adoptees in reunion don't want/need a lot of contact with their bmothers. I know a few bmothers in this situation where all we get are random emails or texts or phone calls from our bchildren. Or we do 90 percent of the work in the relationship. For myself and many others we have now given up hope of the relationship ever improving.

But what to do about it?

I was wondering how adoptees who don't want a lot of contact would feel if your bmother was honest and said that she accepted that the relationship was never going to be more than it is BUT that she needed more (ie say more f-2-f contact, or regular emails etc) AND since she knew that you were not ready to give more and she couldn't see it changing she had decided it was best for her to cut contact and move on in her life with certainty.

Or would it be better to just let the relationship fade away - which is what is happening to most of us anyway unless we continue to do all the work.

Would you respect our honesty or would it just be yet another bmother rejection?

what I would say to the birthparent.

I have heard more then one adoptee say, "you are the mother/father it is you who need to try harder"

or something to that effect.

OK, it isn't that an adoptee doesn't need to participate.. it is or could be, the child inside of them saying, mom if you really wanted me like you say, prove it.

It is true, if you raise a child, you work every day on the relationship. It is part of being a parent. So in essence what is the difference? Just because your birthchild is an adult doesn't mean as a "parent" you need to work at it less or that it will even be a 50/50 relationship.

In an adult reunion, you can't physically work every day on it, but you may need to at least look as if you are..

does that make any sense? not sure it makes sense to me.

Sometimes you have to accept what you get, a little or a lot. You don't throw away a small relationship just because you wanted a big one.

I guess the last line is it..

[InionGrinn]

Hi banjo,

I can understand how frustrating the high hopes/disappointment can be! I've been dealing with that a little bit, but I am blaming it mostly on that my birthfamily and I don't know what we want from each other and what would be too "intrusive". I keep wanting to call and then worry that I am presuming to have more importance in their lives than I actually do. I'm so afraid of taking things too fast.

I really agree with thediva320 that these relationships can take a LONG time. YEARS. It seems very scary and huge to think about.

Would you feel comfortable writing your birthdaughter a letter, explaining to her exactly what you've said to us in all honesty? That you'd love more contact, that it is hard for you with the up and down stuff, and how it makes you feel? She may be dealing with similar feelings, and you may not even know it.

[dmca]

It kind of saddens me to see it classed as "work".
When three or more families are involved with one child, things are difficult.
It's one thing to say that 10 or 20 or 50 years ago, I gave birth and relinquinshed that child but wanted that child and now to see that child, not a baby, but, as a grown adult with family history, their own history, their own things that are different to yours.
We know they have other family and don't want to intrude. We still feel guilt, much as we say we don't. We are products of our time and that lingers in the shadows. So we walk on eggs, send e-mails and jokes, hoping for things in common that we can talk about.
Families don't spend the majority of their times going over and over painful things ( such as the relinquishing of a child). The times surrounding the pregnancy and birth are sad and painful and not, in the mind of the natal mother, something to share. I don't even share mine with my husband. It's so deep and personal, and knowing he never went through such a thing, I don't think he would "get it" for one, and, two, I don't want to rehash it over and over and over. So a new relatiionship is on the horizon with our unknown children who want to focus on that pain. Eventually SOMEBODY has to let go of the pain, and unfortunately, it is usually by backing off.
Another thing, in families, somebody doesn't connect with somebody or other. You remember that cousin that you accepted but had nothing in common with?
We have a fear that that will happen between reuniting child and parent. Will the other "like" me, or approve of me, or whatever. I think both sides have that thought.
So, we are on our "best behaviour" and try to keep it light in hopes that we can connect on some level other than the pregnancy/relinquishment.
comments?
dmca

[Kelly125]

I think depending on how long you have had contact that it may be adjustment to where you will fit into her life. Not all aparents are backing there achildren, and this may or may not be her case. I am an adoptee hoping for some kind of contact, but with an understanding that issues and circumstances may get in the way. I personally would not want to have contact even just a little with my bmother than because she felt I wasn't 100% into it she not want any. I think you should talk to her and find out what she wants out of the relationship with you. I would hope that she is honest with you even if she herself is confused. Kelly