[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by heartbeat

pssst...Scarlet....I responded to my3arabs too before noticing she's been banned already. Sounds like someone tried to pull the wool over her eyes and it's affected her attitude - an observation, not a judgement.

Let's hope she finds peace.

heartbeat

I didn't notice that either..

sigh

[Todd4479]

Banjo, Hi my name is Todd I am in a recent reunion with my birthmother and since you asked I will share my thoughts on your situation.
First thing and as almost everyonelse has said she is 16. That in itself is a huge deal and probably can explain a lot of the on and off communication. I started a search for my birth mother when I was 18 and just a few steps into the process it became abundantly clear that I was not ready on any level to continue. I didn't know who I was as a person or where I was headed in life. And although the questions surrounding myself and my adoption were big it didn't equal me being ready. Now flash forward 9 years and as a 27 year old grown man happy in my life finding my birthmother became something I was definetly ready to do. As it says in my own thread I am lucky that everything has gone as well as it has. Even though the reunion thing is new we do exchange emails daily and have also exhanged pictures, packages and gifts. We also take time to remind ourselves that as eager and curious as we are time is only on our side and to take things one day at a time. Thats what we have been doing and its worked out well so far. That said each email is of course emotional, and I definetly look forward to them, and even though I find myself thinking about her at work or in other times in my life I do my best to remember that the life I am sharing with her is a life that I made for myself with the help of friends, family and co-workers. I think the biggest thing about our reunion and progressing relationship is the fact that it is an two way and equally shared street.
However having it be such and equal thing at least on my end comes at least IMO through my maturity. If I had known my birthmother through my teenage years I don't even know if a correspondence could of been started or maintained. As all teenagers I was focused on myself and my friends, not the adults or role-models in my life. Looking at my life now only in the last few years say 24-27 would be times where I could of seen trying to build a relationship with my birthmother and having it succeed.
I understand your heart is heavy and this struggle is reaching you in a lot of tough ways. I have no sure advice for you moving forward, but as a believer in pure honesty that would be a place to start. And also patience, lots and lots of patience. My birthmother had told herself that she never thought I would look for her, even though it was something she very much wanted. I would be wary of stopping all communication and do your best to keep yourself stable, while also hoping and waiting for a time when your birthdaughter will be able to give herself to you fully and honestly. I know that might seem impossible or not fair but thinking of both of you and your well being in the long term it seems like closing the book so definetly could hurt you and her a lot down the road.

So sorry if this is a bit jumbled I am at work but have been checking in on the thread all morning... Good luck, Todd

[banjo]

dpen6 and Todd, thanks for your posts. My relationship with my bdaughter has got down to the basics where I send her a card and gift on her bday and at xmas and she sends me - nothing....haha. But she did acknowledge the xmas gift. That is the extent of our communication. But on the positive side I am happy because i know where I stand and there are no more random contact that sends me into a whirl. This year I will have to decide if I continue with the xmas/birthday gifts. I did it last year because I felt I should rather than because I wanted to. I hate the pressure that it puts me under - trying to decide do I/don't I. Perhaps she feels the same way - why are we doing this to each other?

[FClareCat]

My birthmother was horrified that I found her, and even more horrified that her son had found out about me. I did everything I could not to involve any of her children. I had made contact with, I found out, a cousin. I asked him to pass on a message to her, from (my birth name) which would be meaningless to anyone, should he say it with others around. Instead, he phoned her son, who lived in the same city (turns out my birth aunt, half-brother, and this cousin) all lived in the same family. Her son called me, I hadn't his number or last name, so after skirting the issue for about 20 minutes I told him I was looking for my birthmother. He said that it couldn't be his mom, as she had him whwen she was just 18. She was 16 when she had me, our ages checked out, my cousins had gone to school with him, there were too many similarities. He said that he was sure that I was wrong, but would find out. All I could do was wait for a phone call. When I arrived, she talked for about 30 minutes. She gave me a lot of information, but the most shocking was that my father was not the high-school sweetheart that i had been told of, but a rapist. I learned that she hid her pregnancy from her mother, her mother, once she figured it out (when she was in labour during the night) toldl her to go the nuns. As my mother was leaving the house, her mother asked her how this hafd happenedd. She told her, and was told my her other not to tell the nuns as it would ruin the family name. He sister, warmly told her that if it was a girl not to name her after her. She lived on the other side of the country. I was going to be there, and wanted to meet. She hadn't told her husband, and wasn't sure. Again I waited, and just before leaving, she phoned. She said she asked her husband's forgiveness! Should have been a clue. We met, and it went fairly well. We met again about 2 weeks later, as she had already planned a visit to see her sister and son. She and her sister lied to her brother-in-law where they were going. They met me and my mom for lunch. I am glad I had nothing to do with the aunt - a cold fish. I thought my mom(adoptive) was very gracious to them both, considering the great surprise she had when I told her that I h ad found my birthmother. My health and ny son's health wer the primary reasons for looking. ZMy birthmom told me that she would tell my other 2 siblings about me, not right then, but son, when the time was right. That was in 1989, and to this date neither of them know about me. I have a sister. In my real life I have a brother, no sister and it would be fun to have a sister. I once wrote her and asked if and when she was going to tell them, and she got huffy and asked what the big deal was. I thought and still think that it puts my b-brother in an awkward position. I can imagine the kids gong through their mother's things, at some point down the road, and coming across the life story I wrote for her, and pictures that spread across my entire life, and them asking who the person in the pictures is. He'd have to say that it was their sister, who he has known about for decades. The thing that ticks me off, was that 2 years ago I was flying to the coast to help by best friend move there. I phoned to let her know, when I'd be ther. Her reaction was that she'd be travelling the preious month. I can take a hint and said she could phone me, if she saw that she had free time. She never did, and that was the last I heard from her. I flew coast to coast, but she couldn't make the effort to talk? My mothe died and I remember saying to my cousin that I was now an orphan. I consider that true still, as my bmom certainly has made her desires clear. I am not someone she has to be ashamed of. I am educated, married, and I contribute to society through a lot of volunteer work. I didn't pursue my other siblings, but now I am at the point, that I really do not care if she doesn't want them to know.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by FClareCat

My birthmother was horrified that I found her, and even more horrified that her son had found out about me. I did everything I could not to involve any of her children. I had made contact with, I found out, a cousin. I asked him to pass on a message to her, from (my birth name) which would be meaningless to anyone, should he say it with others around. Instead, he phoned her son, who lived in the same city (turns out my birth aunt, half-brother, and this cousin) all lived in the same family. Her son called me, I hadn't his number or last name, so after skirting the issue for about 20 minutes I told him I was looking for my birthmother. He said that it couldn't be his mom, as she had him whwen she was just 18. She was 16 when she had me, our ages checked out, my cousins had gone to school with him, there were too many similarities. He said that he was sure that I was wrong, but would find out. All I could do was wait for a phone call. When I arrived, she talked for about 30 minutes. She gave me a lot of information, but the most shocking was that my father was not the high-school sweetheart that i had been told of, but a rapist. I learned that she hid her pregnancy from her mother, her mother, once she figured it out (when she was in labour during the night) toldl her to go the nuns. As my mother was leaving the house, her mother asked her how this hafd happenedd. She told her, and was told my her other not to tell the nuns as it would ruin the family name. He sister, warmly told her that if it was a girl not to name her after her. She lived on the other side of the country. I was going to be there, and wanted to meet. She hadn't told her husband, and wasn't sure. Again I waited, and just before leaving, she phoned. She said she asked her husband's forgiveness! Should have been a clue. We met, and it went fairly well. We met again about 2 weeks later, as she had already planned a visit to see her sister and son. She and her sister lied to her brother-in-law where they were going. They met me and my mom for lunch. I am glad I had nothing to do with the aunt - a cold fish. I thought my mom(adoptive) was very gracious to them both, considering the great surprise she had when I told her that I h ad found my birthmother. My health and ny son's health wer the primary reasons for looking. ZMy birthmom told me that she would tell my other 2 siblings about me, not right then, but son, when the time was right. That was in 1989, and to this date neither of them know about me. I have a sister. In my real life I have a brother, no sister and it would be fun to have a sister. I once wrote her and asked if and when she was going to tell them, and she got huffy and asked what the big deal was. I thought and still think that it puts my b-brother in an awkward position. I can imagine the kids gong through their mother's things, at some point down the road, and coming across the life story I wrote for her, and pictures that spread across my entire life, and them asking who the person in the pictures is. He'd have to say that it was their sister, who he has known about for decades. The thing that ticks me off, was that 2 years ago I was flying to the coast to help by best friend move there. I phoned to let her know, when I'd be ther. Her reaction was that she'd be travelling the preious month. I can take a hint and said she could phone me, if she saw that she had free time. She never did, and that was the last I heard from her. I flew coast to coast, but she couldn't make the effort to talk? My mothe died and I remember saying to my cousin that I was now an orphan. I consider that true still, as my bmom certainly has made her desires clear. I am not someone she has to be ashamed of. I am educated, married, and I contribute to society through a lot of volunteer work. I didn't pursue my other siblings, but now I am at the point, that I really do not care if she doesn't want them to know.

It wasn't you so much that she was ashamed of, but the circumstances of your birth, the shame her mother instilled in her... some women can't get past all the old "stuff".

I am sorry it turned out that way for you.

Not all reunions are like that, they are not all good, but they are not all bad either.

I personally, know, 30 ladies, all but one is reunited. I see these ladies some about once a year, others more often. One who lives two blocks from me. All but the one, happily reunited.

[alilangel]

Hi, everyone. I mostly lurk all these boards. I am a adoptee who was adopted at birth. My parents always have told me I was adopted but on the other hand I have always felt something was "missing." In 1998 I started to actively search for any information on my birth parents I could. I found my birth mom one night and left her a letter in her mailbox. Talk about bold! But I had to find her. I was married and had small children as much as I was curious, I also wanted to know medical information too.

We had a off/on relationship until 2003. We had a fall out because I felt she wanted a mother/daughter relationship and I couldn't give her that. We haven't spoken since.

Banja- Even though our situation our different. But we had that kind of communication.... Occasional emails, we did see each other a couple of times over the course of those years, and etc. I wouldn't let myself get any closer to her because I felt like I was hurting my parents. They did know I was searching and found my birth parents. But something was holding me back. I have really struggled with this and feel bad but in the same token I can't help the way I feel.

There were alot of other factors too and I don't want too hijack the thread.

I am glad I posted and have found this forum. It might help with issues that I have always dealt with. The only reason I came across this forum is looking into adoption when I get married in March! This is a really great place it seems for people to talk about their experiences with adoption for all members of the triad!

Mary Catherine

[alilangel]

Todd also made a good point. She is sixteen and there wasn't anyway I would have been ready, either at that age. When I found my bmom at 24 I don't think I was ready either. Then you add my divorce that I was going through and I was just trying to find my way and who I was.

Don't give up hope. Patience and time is the key.

Sorry, I am just getting caught up reading the post....