[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by jollygirl70

All I can give you is the point of view I have as an adoptee. It may not be pleasant or what you want to her, but it is what it is. I have seen a lot of blogs, forums and chats where adoptees want time and space from birth parents after reunions and it seems to be common and I am one of them. I understand the need of the birthmother for a close relationship, but honestly I feel that my birthmother gave up the luxury of my caring how she feels and what she needs when she signed the adoption papers. Adoptees do not have the cognizance of the concept of caring for a birthparent since before they could remember as a non-adopted child does or as we do our adopted parents. We do not "know" these people until reunion and therefore it is impossible to have the emotion of love embedded in us. As adoptees we are struggling emotionally and psychologically with this reunion and it's ramifications on a daily basis. It seems to be all we can do to handle our own well being, much less add the burden of what the birthmother may need. It may sound selfish but sometimes we have to disconnect after a reunion just to hold ourselves together. We can not and should not be expected to be overwhelmed by the needs of the person that put us in this precarious situation to begin with. I have found many entries that lead me to believe it is difficult for birthmothers to give adoptees the time and space they so desperately need and I'm not sure why that is. Maybe its guilt driven or maybe it's to fulfill their own emotional need of being accepted or forgiven by the adoptee. Maybe what you are getting from daughter is all that she is able to give you at this time.

Birthmother's need to see to their own mental health. They should, if possible, deal with as much of the emotion, if they haven't already, before reunion happens.

No child, young, old, raised or adopted is responsible for the (amom, bmom) mothers health.

But that doesn't mean that they can't have a relationship. The kind of relationship or the quality will depend on the acceptance and mental health of all people involved.

As for loving each other, most, not all, adoptee-bfamily's have things in common. Often more then husband and wife. But they have to be willing to get to know each other, take the time, give space and be accepting.
That takes time. With sometimes long pauses inbetween contact.

But in the mean time, the waiting, life must go on, live happily, be ready.

[heartbeat]

Hi banjo,

Don't know if you're still checking this thread since it started in Sept. I just met my b-mom a couple of days ago and thought I'd reply to this.

It would be great if we all sort of matched up - those children who wanted a lot of contact having b-moms and relatives who wanted that also, etc. I feel badly that hopes and goals are often so different.

Personally, I'd definitely like to have the honesty from my b-mom. I don't want to hold her back, or keep her dangling in hopes of eventually having more. That's not fair to her. I hope she would be a strong individual who could speak up and tell me what she was thinking.

I've had potential relationships with possible friends and lovers, as well as conversations which were significant and important to me simply fade away because so many people seem to think it's better to ignore them than to be upfront and say, "This isn't working for me." or "I don't want to have this discussion." I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime, and frankly, once they do that my opinion of them is lowered and I don't particularly want anything to do with them anyway. Give me a strong person who can speak their mind respectfully, even if their words anger me, over a milquetoast who wimps off quietly into the darkness any day.

I was actually almost in this position myself with my b-mom and half-sisters. I was beginning to think that despite their show of excitement and joy when I found them, that maybe that's all it really was for them - the finding was the goal and maybe the relationship was too much work or not worth it to them or whatever. Even pointed questions on my part went unanswered. I was on the verge of writing a respectful letter saying it was great to have found them, I wished them the very best, but that I was going to move on, when things started flowing on their own again, leading to a f2f meeting with mom.

So I'd want the 'out there' honesty. Course, more than a few people over the years have been uncomfortable with my 'out there' honesty. Everyone's different and has their own history, making them who they are.

heartbeat

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by heartbeat

Hi banjo,

Don't know if you're still checking this thread since it started in Sept. I just met my b-mom a couple of days ago and thought I'd reply to this.

It would be great if we all sort of matched up - those children who wanted a lot of contact having b-moms and relatives who wanted that also, etc. I feel badly that hopes and goals are often so different.

Personally, I'd definitely like to have the honesty from my b-mom. I don't want to hold her back, or keep her dangling in hopes of eventually having more. That's not fair to her. I hope she would be a strong individual who could speak up and tell me what she was thinking.

I've had potential relationships with possible friends and lovers, as well as conversations which were significant and important to me simply fade away because so many people seem to think it's better to ignore them than to be upfront and say, "This isn't working for me." or "I don't want to have this discussion." I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime, and frankly, once they do that my opinion of them is lowered and I don't particularly want anything to do with them anyway. Give me a strong person who can speak their mind respectfully, even if their words anger me, over a milquetoast who wimps off quietly into the darkness any day.

I was actually almost in this position myself with my b-mom and half-sisters. I was beginning to think that despite their show of excitement and joy when I found them, that maybe that's all it really was for them - the finding was the goal and maybe the relationship was too much work or not worth it to them or whatever. Even pointed questions on my part went unanswered. I was on the verge of writing a respectful letter saying it was great to have found them, I wished them the very best, but that I was going to move on, when things started flowing on their own again, leading to a f2f meeting with mom.

So I'd want the 'out there' honesty. Course, more than a few people over the years have been uncomfortable with my 'out there' honesty. Everyone's different and has their own history, making them who they are.

heartbeat

For some of us bmom's, is isn't that we don't want to be upfront and totally truthful. It is fear. Fear if are we will alienate our achild. Fear we will say the wrong thing. Fear we will cause more hurt or pain.

Even though I have what can be called a sucessful reunion. I still ask him if I can say something, if I feel it mignt be contrary to what I think he will want to hear.

So far, he always tells me to just say it.

You are right, some people just can't deal with saying things. Others don't want to hear it.

It is good to hear that things worked out for you, or are working out.

Hugs

[heartbeat]

For some of us bmom's, is isn't that we don't want to be upfront and totally truthful. It is fear. Fear if are we will alienate our achild. Fear we will say the wrong thing. Fear we will cause more hurt or pain.

Even though I have what can be called a sucessful reunion. I still ask him if I can say something, if I feel it mignt be contrary to what I think he will want to hear.

Yep, I hear ya. I'd handle things differently in an ongoing relationship where my life isn't on hold while waiting for a decision from the other person.

But when I'm waiting for them to give an indication as to whether or not they even want the relationship, or am being kind of dangled along, I'd rather have outright honesty - and I hope they'd ask for it from me if I didn't know our goals were significantly different. Kind of reminds me of those ole boys when I was a teenager - wait all night to see if they're going to call, and by the time I decided they weren't it was too late to do anything else. I am SO glad to be out of all of that drama! LOL

It is good to hear that things worked out for you, or are working out.

Thank you. I gotta say, I feel very lucky. Not only did I get my records which allowed me to find her, but it turns out everyone in her current family has always known about me, and when she called 2 of her daughters to give them the news, they said, "Oh darn! WE were going to find her and surprise you!"

Best to you and yours,

heartbeat

[shriveraz]

I think on one hand being honest is good...and on the other letting the relationship change and grow at its own pace could be more positive. You are going to have to think about your needs too...is waiting for more in the relationship going to throw you off? Can you handle it?
I would want the relationship to take its own course and not be forced.

[banjo]

hello, i can't sit here for the next 10 years hoping that things will change 4 us in to something positive. i have found that adoption is like an invasive cancer in that it sneeks into so many areas of my life and ripples out beyond so other people suffer as well. soon after the random text i got more from my bdaughter and she requested a visit. I agreed and we made a time and date and then she cancelled the next day. my hopes were raised and then dashed. i can't do this anymore or i will end up going mad...

[heartbeat]

"ouch"

I'm so sorry. I would feel like you seem to. In addition to all you've mentioned regarding how it affects you, I would also have that limbo feeling - like when you've seen a guy for a number of dates and then nothing - not a goodby, nice knowing you, or go to h*ll. Except it would be on a much larger scale. I have a thing about loose ends, and it would feel almost like my life were up in the air.

I'm struggling with this dilemma because I can understand the different viewpoints, as well as the explanations for those viewpoints. I'm an adoptee, I've been a teen, etc, etc.

But what would stand out for me personally is my major problem with loose ends. Don't know why I have it, although I suspect it's significant since it's such a huge deal for me. Relationship loose ends are the worst - when I have one, it's in my face every day, almost all day, even to the point of distracting me from my life and what I should be doing. It causes major anxiety, period. It sounds like you have a similar issue, banjo. So I'm trying to think how I could keep my daughter at least in the fringes of my life without disrupting it. I think I'd see if I could kind of fool myself - tell myself it's over without announcing it to her. With time, the urgency of the situation would fade, and then if I heard from her, maybe I'd be able to simply think 'what a pleasant surprise'.

I don't know - just throwing out ideas. I do hope you find a satisfactory solution.

heartbeat

[banjo]

HEARTBEAT, you are right. i need to have closure without her knowing it - ha well said. put her in the fringes of my life. i thought i had closure until the random texting started oh well i am about to cut off the mobile phone so that will help because it will end to communication between us. give us both space.

[heartbeat]

Of course, this doesn't have to be the end. You never know what the future may bring. Time may be exactly what each of you need if the relationship is to flourish.

And maybe it won't flourish. If that's the case, then I hope that it feels right for both of you.

You have lots of years ahead of you. I had just turned 50 when I met my mom last week. To be honest, I think I would have overwhelmed her with neediness if it had happened much sooner.

heartbeat

[Hillory]

I have recently met my 'nature' in the past 8 months. It has been really hard and wonderful at the same time. Sometimes people need more time than others and it is really important to make sure to understand and be respectful of that. I am more than willing and want to have so much contact with my bmother but she is still going through the grieving process of what happened 20 years ago. Give it time....

[my3arabs]

Originally Posted by banjo

thanks, I just can't see it changing in 10 years. I know bmothers in very similar situations with adult adoptees. I can't hold out hope for another 10 to 20 years. I need to let it go because it is effecting my life. I haven't done it b4 now - although I have thought about it a lot - because I don't want her to think that I can rejecting her again. Perhaps I will just send her a letter telling her that the random texts are doing my head in and that when she is older and maybe wants/is prepared to commit to a friendship with regular contact then she should drop me a letter. sigh

Hi, I don't want to make anyone mad but why do you think that you should be able to have contact with her at all? I understand it was an open adoption but it was still an adoption.

When I was 16 I didn't want to have anything to do with my a-parents or even want to know anything about the b-parents. Now that I have been conned by a person that said it was my b-mother there is no way that I would want contact with anyone else that claims to be a b-relative. Too many lies involved and the always famous "I was made to give you up" thing.

Whether it was an open or closed adoption it should be left up to the adoptee if they want anytype of contact if any and the b-parent should accept that.

Just MHO

[heartbeat]

Hi,

Hi, I don't want to make anyone mad but why do you think that you should be able to have contact with her at all? I understand it was an open adoption but it was still an adoption.

I'm an adoptee and personally, I see nothing wrong with a bmother or father attempting to make contact with or connect with their bchild. Granted, there will be some adoptees who don't want that, and I'm sure they'll handle it if contact is made. B-parents know that's a possibility going in, just as adoptees know there's a possibility that the b-parents won't want contact.

Nothing wrong with giving it a try if it's a heart's desire - open adoption or closed.

heartbeat

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by my3arabs

Hi, I don't want to make anyone mad but why do you think that you should be able to have contact with her at all? I understand it was an open adoption but it was still an adoption.

When I was 16 I didn't want to have anything to do with my a-parents or even want to know anything about the b-parents. Now that I have been conned by a person that said it was my b-mother there is no way that I would want contact with anyone else that claims to be a b-relative. Too many lies involved and the always famous "I was made to give you up" thing.

Whether it was an open or closed adoption it should be left up to the adoptee if they want anytype of contact if any and the b-parent should accept that.

Just MHO

mmmmm... lies?

my story,

I got pregnant at 15.. from the moment I told my mother she had absolute control. I didn't find out until years later that she told people not to talk to me, not to tell me the truth, including the social worker who was my guardian ad litum.. and, they did what she told them.

So it is not always "lies".

Unless you find your bfamily, and know it is them, why would you, in essence, punish them for something a sick person did to you?

I am sorry you were abused by that crazy evil person, but that doesn't mean your bmom/family are anything like that.

There is far more likelyhood that you are exactly like your bmom. There is a good chance of it.

My bson and I have been reunited since 1997, he is like me.. a bit taller of course. LOL he is 6'2".

But he has my personality, many of my likes and dislikes. I did not ever n a million years expect him to be so much like me and his half siblings. But he is. Yes it does please me. I would be lying if I didn't say it didn't. It was such a surprise.

He found that what made him different in his afamily, was not so different in his bfamily.

We talk every week. He lives in another state so we don't see each other as often as we would like.

But no one can make you do anything you don't want to do. I can understand why you would be afraid to venture into a reunion after what happened.

Just be happy...

Hugs

[dpen6]

banjo,

You asked for comments from adoptees. Here is my take on it.

AS An older adoptee and the mother of a 16 year old female I can say that you can not expect anything from them. The "mothers" whether adopted or birth need to be the adults. She WILL act like a child, she will do what she is suppose to do at her devolpmental stage. Her brain devolpment is probably nowhere near being able to process what we as adults want them too. They may be totally incapable. She needs you to be the adult, you to be the understanding on and place boundries if needed. I often here in adoption and rreal life mothers prclaiming "WHEN I was your age, this happended to me" with the expectation that the child is suppose to react a certain way because of moms situation. Thats not going to happen, and the child should not be expected to act a certian way. I have tried with my daughter, without any adoption connection and her eyes glaze over, just like mine did with my mother. Your daughter probably has no idea what she is doing as she is seeing things as a child,she is learning how to navigate the world around her with the expectations of 2 mothers(God bless her).I would venture to guess that she is looking at you as another strange adult in her life, just like her parents, teachers or anyone else that is over the age of 25. Thats the way its suppose to be. It is up to the adult to deal with there own feelings as to assure this CHILD will grow to become a wonderful, productive adult. How many arguments have I gotten into witth my daughter and had to back down because I was starting to act like a 16 year old and realized that acccplomishes nothing. My goal is to get her to adulthood in one piece both emotionally and physically. I demand respect but not emotional strokes from her as that is not her job, her job is to grow.

I can only try to understand your feelings as a birth mom but I do know how to feel as an adoptee and a mother. At 16 they are suppose to be self absorbed as they are learning about themselves. She may just ramdomly text or call because she has no clue what you are going though...and its the way its suppose to be. If any judgment of her is absorbed by her from you, she just may run away. It has nothing to do with rejection or abandonment and IMO everything to do with her figuring out where she belongs in this world, trying to attain her rightful place and go one to be a productive adult. Kids don't want to hear about moms emotional apin that is a direct result of them.....something they had no control over. It hits to the core of your soul and there is no where to go with it. And at 16 with everything else thats going on, its way to much for the immature brain to deal with.

I see 2 options here for you.
1. let it continue as is and as she needs you she will contact you, you can be there unconditioanlly and underestand her behavior is not meant to be hurtful and hope at the end of the line as she becomes an adult the lines of honest commication will open and you then, will be able to tell her about some of your pain andthe relationship will go on from there.

OR

2. Tell her that its to painful for you to go on as it is and shut it down completly, tell her to stop text or any contact because its to hard for you and run the risk of her feeling totally adrift, guilty(for waht,...being born?) and then the anger willl come.

With me as an adoptee, I can say I never felt abandoned or rejected. I knew what was done was done, no matter the reason or circumstanse. But I DID feel anger when during the reunion I was "expected" to understand"she is your mother after all". I was 29 when that happended. I can't imagine at 16 having the burdon of any one mothers pain . Its way to hard and way to confusing. Let kids be kids and as adults attempt to guide them.

[heartbeat]

pssst...Scarlet....I responded to my3arabs too before noticing she's been banned already. Sounds like someone tried to pull the wool over her eyes and it's affected her attitude - an observation, not a judgement.

Let's hope she finds peace.

heartbeat