[Mommy24]

I am also really sorry that you feel like you are "wasting" your time on her, It may feel that way right now but maybe in the end you will see your hard work and determination pay off in a wonderful relationship between the both of you. I believe that all relationships between kids and parents (adopted or not) have these feelings of being unimportant, I get my feelings hurt sometimes when I have made plans to do something as a family and then my son tells me he has made plans with his friends, but I remind myself that he is a teenager and for now those things are important to him and I have to stand back and let him explore the big world out there and simply be there to support him. I was the same way as a teenager, my mom will tell you to this day there were days she thought we would never have a good relationship, but we do now, she let me be and she "put" up with me through the good and the bad and the really UGLY.....

[banjo]

Michelle, this is where adoption gets really complicated or is totally unique - however you want to look at it. I am not her mother. If I was her REAL mother then yep I would have to put up with all this teenaged angst but then I would also be telling my child what I thought of her/his behaviour and punishing them appropriately etc. So since I am not her REAL day-to-day mother and I am not co-parenting what the hell am I? I have asked adoptees this question and most say that they DON"T want/nor need another mother in their lives and the best they can offer is a friendship. Sooooo accepting that is the best I can hope for - then this is a very unhealthy friendship that I have with my bdaughter. In fact it is basically non-existent. I have healthy friendships with my teenaged nieces and nephews so I KNOW it can happen and that they like me being in their lives.
Thanks everyone for the advise. It has been really great reading all the comments! After thinking about it I am going to cut off the mobile phone because I can't really afford it and it will end the random text dilemma. My bdaughter can still contact me if she really needs to get in touch. banjo

[Kelly125]

Banjo I would talk to her before you cut the phone. What if this hurts her, and she sees it as you once again giving up on her. I realize the relationship isn't going the way you want it to, but she may just be confused on the position you are in her life. I am not in contact with my Bmom, but would want some connection. I would respect her if I didn't fit into her life, but would appreciate some contact. I have a unique relationship with my adopted brothers bmom. He passed away and I left a message that if she contacted them I would talk with her. It is not my Bmom, but it has given me so much. I love her and her honesty.
Kelly

[banjo]

Hello Kelly, I will tell her that I am going to cut the phone because I can't afford it. I really don't think it will make any difference in her life.

[hello&goodbye]

Adoptees have other lives that they are living, while I am sure your daughter would like to be in your life, it is best to leave it at her pace. You want more from her? Remember this, it is not up to her to heal you, it is up to you. If you feel you are wasting your time, then stop wasting it, and stop wasting hers. I would nver feel comfortable in a close relationship with my b relatives, and this has nothing to do with my a family. Some of us were raised in happy healthy homes and were loved unconditionally, so yes we will want to spend our lives with our families, but is that not what you wanted for daughter in the first place?

[banjo]

Hello & goodbye, I wonder if you have really read my posts? I know it is not up to my bchild to heal me as it is not up to me to heal her either. Sure I would like a friendship with my bdaughter but this post is about accepting that I don't have that friendship. Our relationship is running at her pace.

BUT I do have choices in front of me in regards to this relationship and I am exploring these choices. I have a right to look after my own mental health especially as I have other children to care for. They deserve a mother who is not washed out emotionally or a bit off balance.

I know that my bdaughter has another family who are her top priority and that she is busy living her life. Of course I wanted this for her. however open adoption was sold to me as being they way to establish a life long friendship/relationship with my child. Her aparents have done their best to ensure we have always had contact. This is no slur on their parenting...they have truly done their best for their daughter - infact all their children.

This thread is about me exploring ways to be in a comfortable space with any choices I make regarding this relationship.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Hello and goodbye back..

sorry if your post was misunderstood..

[hello&goodbye]

I am sorry if I misunderstood your posting. I guess what the question I am really askingis what kind of relationship do you want, a mother daughter? she amy fear that is what you are looking for, and is not able to give that, so she backs away. You may say friendship, however, if you spend enough time with her, you would want the mother daughter relationship with her, she may think that, see what I mean?

[banjo]

hello & goodbye, I know that she doesn't want a mother/daughter relationship with me because she has a perfectly good relationship with her amother. I have never tried to take that role in her life. So if she thinks that's what I want...then I guess it is something that she has come up with. I believe that I have never given her that impression. There is nothing I can do to change her thoughts - nor am I going to try.

Hello & Goodbye I thought you would be the one poster who would be pleased to see a bmother who has accepted that her bdaughter basically doesn't want a friendship and is not trying to change the situation. I imagine that you'd want your bfamily to respect that you do not want to be in a close relationship with them?

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by banjo

hello & goodbye, I know that she doesn't want a mother/daughter relationship with me because she has a perfectly good relationship with her amother. I have never tried to take that role in her life. So if she thinks that's what I want...then I guess it is something that she has come up with. I believe that I have never given her that impression. There is nothing I can do to change her thoughts - nor am I going to try.

Hello & Goodbye I thought you would be the one poster who would be pleased to see a bmother who has accepted that her bdaughter basically doesn't want a friendship and is not trying to change the situation. I imagine that you'd want your bfamily to respect that you do not want to be in a close relationship with them?

>>There is nothing I can do to change her thoughts - nor am I going to try.
<<

I would think, that even having you in her life a little could very well have some effect on her life.

Many people, we meet and know can affect how we think, behave, react to others.

To be honest, your stopping your relationship totally could have a bad effect on her. Far worse then her affect on not responding often enough to you.

I can certianly understand that you have another family, and that it doesn't help your frame of mind. You need to be clear for the children you deal with on a day to day basis.

When you send email, even when she doesn't respond, she knows you are there, she knows if she does need you she can get to you, she "knows".. that is a very big thing for a teenager.

If you stop all together, what does that say? Have you spoken with her mom? Her mom is going to be the one explaining to her daughter why the bmom no longer wants a relationship.

I understand this is difficult. But I don't think you want to hurt your birth daughter. She is the child in this relationship. You are the mother(birthmother) I am not saying to force yourself on her.

If you can emotionaly do it, just continue to send emails once a month. Tell her whats up with yourself and her siblings.. and don't expect a response.

One day she may either tell you to stop, or be greatful you didn't stop.

I am raising a 17 year old granddaughter. I can't imagine how hard it would be that after all this time, I have raised this child from age 1. What would she do if her mother walked away now? And as it is, we only see her mom about once a week.

No body can tell you what to do. It is difficult anyway you look at it.

good luck and may the Gods bless you.

[bowser1952]

i think to be in contact with b/family/parents

as one who has a closed and sealed records kinda tells me alot, but if my b/family /parents didn't want me to contact them if i should ever find them, i would respect their wishes, but every adoptee has the right to know why they were given up for adoption no matter what.

since i am older i am wondering if my b/parents would even be alive, but maybe a sibiling is still alive. i am all alone coz my adopted parents are deceased and i was an only child, i do have my wonderful wife of 21 yrs of marriage.

[windy100]

Quote: "This is a hypothetical question and I would like adoptee's thoughts. Many adoptees in reunion don't want/need a lot of contact with their bmothers. I know a few bmothers in this situation where all we get are random emails or texts or phone calls from our bchildren. Or we do 90 percent of the work in the relationship. For myself and many others we have now given up hope of the relationship ever improving."

Hi, I feel for your situation. I found my birthmother in February of this year. At first it was really weird...I had always maintained that I wasnt too bothered if we never formed a relationship or bonded....I was just curious to know why I had been placed for adoption, and most of all i wanted her to know that I didn't blame her or harbour any ill feelings towards her for doing what she did.....when I sent my first email and didnt get a reply for over a week I went crazy...I was checking my "inbox" every day and got ever so depressed when nothing had arrived.....however, the best way we got to know each other was by the "quizzes" that are passed around the email system...you know the ones....what's your favourite colour, or your favourite food etc....

Little by little, day by day, we got to know each other a bit better......I gave her the time and space she needed to come to terms with me making contact after 36 years, and we were totally honest with each other........we knew that although we had a bond by blood, we had nothing else at that point....it would take time and patience to establish a relationship......we met up within a couple of weeks, just me and her...and again it was the most strangest, surreal yet beautiful situation I have ever been in.....I was sat across the table from the woman who gave birth to me......a total stranger yet by now we knew each other a little better. Since that day our relationship has flourished and we try to meet up regularly......a little difficult as we live almost 200 miles apart, but emails, phone calls and texts almost every day...even if it is just to say hello......I look upon her as my "mommy" and we even joke about it....I am her daughter as much as her other two...my sisters....who have also totally accepted the situation, and if we lost that now, life just wouldnt be the same......

I dont really know what I am trying to say to you, but keep at it....have patience, your child may have convinced themselves that they dont want to know....maybe they dont have the support of their aparents......(mine dont know as I believe they wouldnt cope with the news).......makes it a bit harder to deal with but in time I am sure things will progress.......be honest about what you want from the two of you and tell her that you will understand if she doesnt feel as strongly, and that she has all the time she needs.....but she needs to be honest with you also, even if it isnt what you really want to hear.......I hope this helps in some small way......

[adopteefran]

Personaly i think it really depends on the age of the adoptee. If the adoptee if 19 going on 20, like i was when I had my reunion, then its understandable. I was in college running here to there going to day long parties at the beach, but i love my birthmom and somethimes it was hard having long conversations with her, so i would have rather just texted or sent her an instant message. Trust me, me and my birthmom are so much alike its scary and I can identify with her more than I can identify with my adoptive parents. But you have to understand a lot of the adoptive issues that relate to relationship issues that adoptees go through. Do you reassure her that you care about her? love her? will always be there for her no matter what? Maybe if she feels your a more stable force in her life, she will feel more comfortable letting you in.

[Lynard1210]

Banjo, I am an adoptee in reunion. I hear your frustration and what i hear most is the feelings of rejection or unimportance to your daughter. I don't know her, but if she is a typical 16 yr old adoptee, she is sorting through her own issues of identity and rejection. Teen years are hardest for adoptees. They level off later in their 20's and i feel it is very likely that once she separates from her adoptive parents' home during or after college, you will likely see a change in her. I feel that your expectations are possibly too high which is causing you to feel more rejection than is probably actually there. Your daughter may be telling you by random contact that she is thinking about you but feels unsure if it's ok to really love you - the risk is there for her too. Will you disappear some day? Will her a-parents be angry if she embraces you fully? As she completes her identity, you will be a piece of that identity. She needs you to be there when she is ready.

I'm sorry that it is torture for you, but love is always a risk and there are never any guarantees. What is most important here? You protecting yourself from the possibility that she may never contact you again or being there for her in the long-term? Only you can decide that, but please don't give up on her. She will need you as she grows up and just because she cannot verbalize that to you at this moment, does not mean that she is not feeling it inside. I always knew i wanted my birth family in my life but i didn't act on those feelings until i was in my 30's. Yes, it may be a long wait or maybe it won't. She could move out of her parents house in 2 years and need your support. Situations are always changing. As my adoptee friend told me about my reunion, expect nothing and every nugget you get is a gift. I am blessed: i found my birthmom and she wants contact. I've backed away due to fears of rejection and feeling overwhelmed but i have no intention of abandoning her ever.

Hang in there,

[jollygirl70]

All I can give you is the point of view I have as an adoptee. It may not be pleasant or what you want to her, but it is what it is. I have seen a lot of blogs, forums and chats where adoptees want time and space from birth parents after reunions and it seems to be common and I am one of them. I understand the need of the birthmother for a close relationship, but honestly I feel that my birthmother gave up the luxury of my caring how she feels and what she needs when she signed the adoption papers. Adoptees do not have the cognizance of the concept of caring for a birthparent since before they could remember as a non-adopted child does or as we do our adopted parents. We do not "know" these people until reunion and therefore it is impossible to have the emotion of love embedded in us. As adoptees we are struggling emotionally and psychologically with this reunion and it's ramifications on a daily basis. It seems to be all we can do to handle our own well being, much less add the burden of what the birthmother may need. It may sound selfish but sometimes we have to disconnect after a reunion just to hold ourselves together. We can not and should not be expected to be overwhelmed by the needs of the person that put us in this precarious situation to begin with. I have found many entries that lead me to believe it is difficult for birthmothers to give adoptees the time and space they so desperately need and I'm not sure why that is. Maybe its guilt driven or maybe it's to fulfill their own emotional need of being accepted or forgiven by the adoptee. Maybe what you are getting from daughter is all that she is able to give you at this time.