[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by dmca

It kind of saddens me to see it classed as "work".
When three or more families are involved with one child, things are difficult.
It's one thing to say that 10 or 20 or 50 years ago, I gave birth and relinquinshed that child but wanted that child and now to see that child, not a baby, but, as a grown adult with family history, their own history, their own things that are different to yours.
We know they have other family and don't want to intrude. We still feel guilt, much as we say we don't. We are products of our time and that lingers in the shadows. So we walk on eggs, send e-mails and jokes, hoping for things in common that we can talk about.
Families don't spend the majority of their times going over and over painful things ( such as the relinquishing of a child). The times surrounding the pregnancy and birth are sad and painful and not, in the mind of the natal mother, something to share. I don't even share mine with my husband. It's so deep and personal, and knowing he never went through such a thing, I don't think he would "get it" for one, and, two, I don't want to rehash it over and over and over. So a new relatiionship is on the horizon with our unknown children who want to focus on that pain. Eventually SOMEBODY has to let go of the pain, and unfortunately, it is usually by backing off.
Another thing, in families, somebody doesn't connect with somebody or other. You remember that cousin that you accepted but had nothing in common with?
We have a fear that that will happen between reuniting child and parent. Will the other "like" me, or approve of me, or whatever. I think both sides have that thought.
So, we are on our "best behaviour" and try to keep it light in hopes that we can connect on some level other than the pregnancy/relinquishment.
comments?
dmca

I will explain the meaning of "work".

if my dad gets sick, without thinking, I would call my adult children and tell them about their grandfather..

I am an adoptee lite.. step parent adoption..

The father I speak of, is my bio dad. I don't see my step/adad, haven't seen him in over 15 years. Talk to him once in a great while.. but that is it. Mom and him were only married 4 years.

Because I was 7 when adopted by step dad, my siblings, all younger, did not always tell me anything going on in the family right away. I was for many years the last to know about illnesses, impending births.. ect..

I am my fathers eldest child, the eldest grandchild etc. I was not raised with my siblings. Even my grandparents did not think of me.

When I had my bio dad adopt me back into the family, giving me back my maiden name at age 35. I had hoped they would see the big picture. They didn't I had to tell them.

In intact familys you automatically think of those you were raised with, they get the phone calls, without a second thought. Without having to remind yourself they are part of your family and need to know important things.

So when I found my bio son, because I know what it feels like to be on the outside looking in. I make a point, a definite point of calling him and telling him what is going on. He is not the last to know. In the beginning of our reunion I had to always make sure I called him. Not leave him out on purpose, but becasue I was not used to including him.

work... it takes work... not in a bad way. It takes getting used too. Becoming automatic... just like with the kids you raised.

Just because you are reunited doesn't mean you will remember to call when good or bad things happen.

So for a while, and depending on how close you become, it does take work of a sort.

Even for an adoptee, who do you call if you find out you are pregnant, mom, dad, sis, bro, auntie, the neighbors, the lady in the super market when you go though the line, may all find out, before your birthmom... See?

It has been since 1997 for me.. bson and I are close.. he even considered changing his last name to my maiden name.. I don't think it will happen, but it was a sweet thought.

But for bson and me, it was an automatic connection. He is just like me.. a bit taller of course. The only differences, are those few in how he was raised.
We even have the same food dislikes. In the begining he would sometimes give me these looks, then say, "but you can't feel like that, I do, and I am the only one in my family who does"... Sorry boy, in your bio family there are three others who think the same way..

Bson (42) has my personality, he processes information and ideas the way I do. Looks like his half brother (39),
has many of the same traits as his half sister (41).

I have been so incredibly lucky in my relationship with him. I wish everyone could be this lucky.

I hope I explained it better this time.

[banjo]

thanks everyone for your replys. They have given me something to think about. My bdaughter and I have been in a open adoption for almost 16 years with visits etc. Yes she is young but to be honest she has everyway poss to contact me IF SHE WANTED TO. I have had one random text this month from her after I suggested after xmas that she contact me if she wanted to see me. I replied to her text and she didn't bother to reply back. I have put the ball in her court and I think actions speak louder than words - there are no actions, she obviously has no desire to see me, speak to me etc. Xmas is coming up fast - do I send a gift??? Ugh. I hate this. I need certainty rather than crystal ball gazing. I have been dwelling on how to improve our relationship for years and frankly it's never got into even a vague friendship.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by banjo

thanks everyone for your replys. They have given me something to think about. My bdaughter and I have been in a open adoption for almost 16 years with visits etc. Yes she is young but to be honest she has everyway poss to contact me IF SHE WANTED TO. I have had one random text this month from her after I suggested after xmas that she contact me if she wanted to see me. I replied to her text and she didn't bother to reply back. I have put the ball in her court and I think actions speak louder than words - there are no actions, she obviously has no desire to see me, speak to me etc. Xmas is coming up fast - do I send a gift??? Ugh. I hate this. I need certainty rather than crystal ball gazing. I have been dwelling on how to improve our relationship for years and frankly it's never got into even a vague friendship.

oH,, 16...... well, 16 is just 16...

I would continue to send gifts, an occasional message.. and when she is older and not dealing with teen angst and meltdown.. she will most likely be ready..

right now, she is a teen, going though teen stuff..

don't go away she might think you are abandoning her again.. or not..

But I wouldn't put too much into it at this age..

I am raising a 16 year old granddaughter.. honors student, cheerleader, not dating yet... last night we had a meltdown.. I don't understand... so she said.. she knew I was trying to help... she wouldn't call her mother and even talk to her... her mom, "is not a mother"..

Just keep going... give her time to grow up but don't go away..

[banjo]

thanks, I just can't see it changing in 10 years. I know bmothers in very similar situations with adult adoptees. I can't hold out hope for another 10 to 20 years. I need to let it go because it is effecting my life. I haven't done it b4 now - although I have thought about it a lot - because I don't want her to think that I can rejecting her again. Perhaps I will just send her a letter telling her that the random texts are doing my head in and that when she is older and maybe wants/is prepared to commit to a friendship with regular contact then she should drop me a letter. sigh

[manni28]

Banjo:

IMO I think you’re asking a lot from your bchild. She’s sixteen; she’s probably into her boyfriend; studying for her S.A.T.’s, and deciding which college to apply to. The world is her oyster and she’s enjoying it ! Ok, she didn’t get back to you-she’s a teenager. She is young you can’t (IMO) say: “look I need more f2f with you, and if not, get back to me when you’re ready!” To me, that’s asking a lot from someone who had no say in being adopted-in short, you have to follow her lead; not your wants. Sorry to be hard, but I’m trying to help and I believe by placing these ultimatums it’s not going to help. Tell her: I would appreciate it if you would get back to me when I email/call or say: " I know I'm not your mom but it would be nice if we could get together sometimes to "chat" like friends because I value our relationship"

Best of luck!

-Manni28

[Patty-cake]

I would keep sending gifts and cards but I wouldn't expect anything in return. It is normal for teens to be self absorbed.Her amom may be suffering also. The time will come that she will remember that you always cared and she will come to you.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by banjo

thanks, I just can't see it changing in 10 years. I know bmothers in very similar situations with adult adoptees. I can't hold out hope for another 10 to 20 years. I need to let it go because it is effecting my life. I haven't done it b4 now - although I have thought about it a lot - because I don't want her to think that I can rejecting her again. Perhaps I will just send her a letter telling her that the random texts are doing my head in and that when she is older and maybe wants/is prepared to commit to a friendship with regular contact then she should drop me a letter. sigh

I didn't know my son was even alive for 33 years..

You don't know how lucky you are.

[thediva320]

I agree with the others, banjo. Your bdaughter is only 16 years old. That is very young. There are adoptees who are 30, 40 and even 50 who are still uncertain about a relationship with bmoms. So can you imagine being in her shoes? How she must feel? I am 24 and reunited with bmom in may of this year. I wasn't nearly as prepared for it as I thought I was when we met face to face. At 24!!! Continue to send gifts, cards, etc. She is young, and this (having a relationship with bmom) is probably more difficult that you even realize. As adults, a lot of adoptees feel like they are being disloyal to their aparents by finding and building relationships with bfamily. She is 16, living at home, and probably just as confused about life as any other teenager in the world, only now she has 2 moms. And she has to sort thru what that means to her. Give it time, besides, I was a teenager once and ultimatums didn't work on me.

[banjo]

Manni28, I have been down that road with her. And right now I am following her lead - there just is no lead since I let go at xmas except for the random text this month which I replied to and then I got no reply back.
what I am wanting to say to her is: I accept that you basically don't need/want any contact right now. I need you to understand that random texts just do my head in by getting my hopes up and I would rather you did not send them and maybe one day when you are ready for friendship we can get back in touch. Sorry for putting you in this situation in the first place.

I don't think that is an ultimatum. To me it is an acceptance of what is and it is leaving the door open.

Scarlett Moon: I wish my only option had been closed adoption because I would have kept her and raised her and I would not be in this adoption angst/loss mess. I foolishly bought into Open adoption as being the solution to an unplanned pregnancy but is not the answer as many of us bmothers are beginning to find out.

[manni28]

Banjo:

Hang in there- teenagers do change. Also, let me ask you, what did you expect open adoption to be like? I'm curious?

[DebsW]

banjo,
I am in reunion with my BMom since April 2006. I am 37 years old. She and her family have embraced me into the family. I should feel very secure. I still feel like it may slip away from me. I would take any contact I could get and she has made it a wonderful experience for me and we have a lot of contact. But I still ask her if it's ok to call her Mom. She leaves me phone messages and calls herself "mom", I have no reason to expect anything to change, but every once in a while I get scared and need reassurance. I don't know what it will take.

Maybe the age of your daughter and a fear of loss? I don't know, just wanted to give you my perspective.

Best to you.

DebSW

[banjo]

Manni28, what did I think open adoption would be like? Well considering how much contact - quite a lot over the years that we have had - I thought that we would be friends by now. In so much as I thought we would be at least emailing each other or texting say once or twice a month. I thought we would discuss clothes, music etc - simple, nice, fun. I do this with my teenaged nieces and nephews (Well sport and music with the nephews) In fact a niece and I texted each other about three times each last nite. She was telling me about something that happened at school. It was funny and not serious - ya know. I wasn't trying to be her mother or anything - simply enjoying the contact. I have enjoyed f-2-f contact with my bdaughter over the years. But for me to actually get to know someone there needs to be some sort of contact in between. Such as email or text. I have tried ringing my bchild and get the "yes" "no" grumpy teenager treatment or she cuts me off or doesn't reply to texts etc. Now if a niece or nephew treated me this way I would tell them how I felt about it and if it continued then - I would not waiste my time on them anymore. They can forget gifts at xmas/bdays because I have better things to spend my money on than someone who treats me badly - that goes for family and friends. So here I am tolerating this bad behaviour simply because she is my bchild and I feel guilty for abandoning her.

I understand that this is the difference with my bdaughter compared to the nieces and nephews - I did abandon her at birth and handed her over to strangers. So she has every right to be angry with me about that. But how long is she going to be angry for? I don't know that answer - it could go on for years and she could continue to punish me - well - forever. I also can't fix her anger. If I could turn back time I would. But as much as I accept and understand her right to do this I also have a right to move on from a mistake I made when I was young. Heck I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us - dah! I have suffered for my foolish decision for years - loss, depression, grief etc but during this time I have tired to show her that I care and love her and have always been a part of her life. I have been consistent.

Finally I have forgiven myself and I don't want to be punished by society etc anymore. I want my self-respect back. I finally have a great life - and I am entitled to this life and to enjoy it. I now refuse to accept other people's bad behaviour and if they don't want a healthy relationship with me - that's fine.
Sigh, so back to the only cloud on my horizon. After years of hanging out for visits and contact I have now found that not having contact with her is actually better for my mental health and I am able to focus on my day-to-day life without dwelling on her and wondering if she will bother to reply to my text etc.
I had certainty this year that there will be no contact because I would not be initiating it. Then bang out of the blue for the first time this year this month she sends me a text! I reply and she doesn't bother to reply back...so why send me a text in the first place? I feel like I have been plunged back into my teenaged years when I would get random phone calls from boys - then nothing. We would all sit around trying to figure out why the boy bothered in the first place...ahahahaha.
Another bmother has come up with a solution to my problem - she said to cut service to the mobile phone number and that way there will be no more random texts. As simple as that.

[whitsunday15]

Banjo-
As an adoptee, I think you've received great advice on the fact that she is still very young. As far as cutting off service so no more random texts--I don't like that idea. It seems to me that she sends you random texts to make sure you're still there. She is going to be busy with school and her life, but what kind of message are you sending if she finds out now that you cut off service because you cannot handle the randomness of your contact?
I agree that you shouldn't stop your life from happening over this, but why can't you will yourself to get on with it, and keep the doors open. If she pops her head in and you reply back and she then doesn't reply back--well, at least she texted or emailed once that month, or year. One day she may really need you. It may come unexpected, out of the blue. How will you feel if you've cut service when that day comes? She's still growing and learning. I would give her a break.

[banjo]

whitsunday15: It was a huge thing for me to let go of the relationship at the end of last year and leave the ball in her court by lettin her know that if she wanted to see me then it was up to her to contact me. I had dwelled on my decision for a few years and it was on the advice of an adoptee and my own need to let go and move on that finally made me do it. I feared b4 I made my decision that I would be again plunged into grief and depression and remorse and that I would lose her forever. But something amazing happened. I felt this huge relief, a weight lifted off my shoulders. I didn't have to do anything anymore, I didn't ponder on how to try to initiate contact, or sit with shaking hands when I rang her to try to have a conversation which usually left me feeling worse than b4 I ran her. Spend hours wondering what to wear to a visit and what to talk about and questions to ask teenagers etc. Getting the "yes", "no" reply. Remembering that I was not allowed to talk about my kept children or my extended family. Trying to respect all her boundaries. Usually getting a phone call from her amother a week b4 the visit to tell me that it had to be cut short because of some other appointment which was obviously more important than seeing me.

It was over. Finally the torture was over and I found peace for 9 months...until the random text arrived. Plus I still have to decide what to do for xmas and her bday - do I send gifts??? To be honest right now buying a gift feels like a burden, a chore rather than something special to do like it use to. I am sooo tired of accepting crumbs from this relationship. She has other ways of contacting me ie snail mail or landline. The mobile phone has to go anyway because I can't afford it at the moment and I only got it in the first place so that I could text her! What a waste of time and effort that was....

[Mommy24]

Banjo, I am sorry for your pain. You said something that popped out at me:

"I have tried ringing my bchild and get the "yes" "no" grumpy teenager treatment or she cuts me off or doesn't reply to texts etc. Now if a niece or nephew treated me this way I would tell them how I felt about it and if it continued then - I would not waiste my time on them anymore. They can forget gifts at xmas/bdays because I have better things to spend my money on than someone who treats me badly - that goes for family and friends. So here I am tolerating this bad behaviour simply because she is my bchild and I feel guilty for abandoning her."


This age (16) is awful, at least for me it was. I also have a teenager that I am parenting and the one thing I have learned is that at this age everything is about them, no it isnt a good feeling but "most" teenagers are this way, they do grow up and you may need to hold onto that hope for now. Have you considered that she maybe "testing" you? I know when I was 16 I tested my friends and my boyfriends in this manner to see if they really cared about me?! Its immature I know but she is 16, maybe its her way of trying to figure out how far she can push you before you will give up, maybe she needs to see that you will be strong enough and love her enough to not give up on her. Maybe I am way off base here, but thought maybe it would give you something else to think about.
I wish you much luck!!