[killer]

Well, I saw a new counselor today and (without knowing it) he is adopted, found his b-mom and has encouraged me to search.

So, I called my sister who already found her b-mom and she told my that our mother (a-mom) had her last name...and that I should talk to my mom and she will be helpful.

So, Im going to see what I can do.

[whitsunday15]

Good luck!

[merrill1277]

Originally Posted by killer

Well, I saw a new counselor today and (without knowing it) he is adopted, found his b-mom and has encouraged me to search.

Originally Posted by killer

So, I called my sister who already found her b-mom and she told my that our mother (a-mom) had her last name...and that I should talk to my mom and she will be helpful.

So, Im going to see what I can do.

Wow to all of that!
Hoping for the best as you enquire about the info. . .

[killer]

My last post here was on July 27, 2006

In reading through my old Private Messages I noticed the people who wrote them to me also have not posted in about 2 years.

I thought, why?

Well, for me....I don't think people really can get anything going here that is worth it.

I'm trying one more time, realizing that its an internet forum.

Since July 27, 2006 things have stayed the same for me or gotten worse. Definitely spiritually. I feel more angry and distant from God than ever.
My relationship with my wife continues to suffer.
I REALLY get angry when I get post like this
"I'm sorry for you pain. I cant relate and I hope you get some help"
hah....it does nothing for me. Its just someone else appeasing their own guilt on an internet forum.

SO....if there is anyone who really wants to talk and commit to spending time with me on a computer I'm going to try again.

The stuff I'm dealing with
ANGER
1. I HATE my job
2. I HATE my life
3. I often HATE my wife
4. I often HATE people
5. I HATE myself

Job
I'm in year 16 of a job I should have never got into.
I'm a public school teacher...music. Long story short. The reason I took the job was because my wife said she wanted to stay home and make babies and be an at-home mom. I decided to take the secure pay, insurance benefits, summers off provided by teaching public school rather than live MY dreams and complete my DMA in music or get a college job and be a performer. I didn't see a career as a musician and my wife being an at home mom as working. So I sacrificed my wants for hers. Noble yes. But now I'm bitter after 16 years of hell. Sure, I do a good job, and there are nice aspects to the job but now that I'm almost 44 years old....changing careers is becoming a silly thought. The thought of continuing in this depresses me....literally.

2. I am continually, clinically depressed and angry. I'm very hard to live with. Ive been to counselor after counselor. The latest one said my adoption has nothing to do with my problems..that its just all my negative obsessional thinking. So for the last 7 months my homework is to think about 3 things that were good about my day...even if it was as trivial as...."I had a tasty dinner"...thats one positive in my life and I should meditate on it...Meanwhile I wake up every day to a job I don't want to go to, that is fulfilling, not challenging, and my wife and I fight daily, the kids have to live my roller coaster emotions of being super happy sometimes and angry and bitter most of the time and tired and depressed.

3. I guess some would say I actually LOVE my wife but as many adoptees know...I'm hard to live with. I cant just settle, relax and enjoy life. I'm always trying to change my wife and I hurt her often. Then some days I'm totally loving and other centered and really at peace with her. Im really lucky that she hasn't left me. My counselor says most women would have left along time ago.

4. I find people hard to relate to. I hate small talk, talking about TV shows, silly crap. I want to only talk on a very deep and intense level...all the time..which basically means I have NO FRIENDS. I'M a very lonely guy. 43, NO FRIENDS, A JOB I HATE, argue with the wife daily.....it sucks.
Whenever I try to reach out to others I get the cold shoulder. People who know me...I call them or when i see them say "We should get together sometime. Whether its in person, phone or email....no one calls me back.....I'm getting the feeling I'm really no fun to be around....

5. I look in the mirror and see a failure.
My career is a mess. I'm a super underachiever.
My marriage is only a skeleton of what it was and what it could be.
Im a good parent...but hardly what I could be if I was happy and mentally healthy and ...well, my kids see a depressed, angry, sad dad...comes home from work every day depressed and angry sapped of all my engergy....what kind of example is that for my son and daughter??

My therapists and psychologist have tried all different kinds of meds....none of them worked.
The positive thinking crap is mostly just that...crap...

Some Ive come full circle...trying the adoption stuff agian....

NO I have not found my birth parents...and frankly don't want to.. Met a guy who did...he said it helped but only a tiny bit...put closure on the question but he still has to live his life...

Ill stay here for a little while. I don't have high hopes...Im just trying it agian....you never know unless you try.

[Dickons]

One thing that worked for me was reading "The Primal Wound" by Verrier and then "The Girls who Went Away" by Fessler. Reading those two books gave me a sense of being okay with myself as to who I am.

I am still working on putting my reunion into perspective but I have found something that is working for me and that is creating my birth mothers family tree. I wish you had enough info to go on to consider doing your tree. What it has done for me is to realize just what my ancestors went through and how they continued on. It made me realize that I am from a very strong group of people who were brave enough to immigrate to a new country that was just starting to evolve and that I have the same strength. I hope to eventually be able to do my birth fathers side so that I can find some peace and strength there too.

Finally, I find simply being here gives me peace that I am not alone and that I choose whether to be positive or negative - not that it always works, but it is better than not trying at all.

I wish you well on your journey to find peace.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[killer]

Ive read the primal wound....didnt do much for me.

Ive read the next book by her as well...

same thing...didnt do much for me....

Hah...Ive read 3 other of the "best' books

Books are cool....I dont need more information and good lucks and I hope the best ...

I guess Im tired and burnt out and I want
REAL RELATIONSHIPS...
if that makes any sense or if you can relate I loved to talk more

[txrnr]

If the books didn't help, then maybe your therapist is right, adoption may not be the root of your issues.

My advice, and frankly, you may be getting what you paid for, is get a new job. You are miserable there, and my guess is that sense of unfulfillment and missed dreams just festers and carries over into all your relationships.

Starting over at 44 won't be easy, but we aren't our granparents generation, we aren't dying at 60 anymore. You have plenty of time left!!! Go get that advanced degree, work at a college, whatever your dreams may be now! (I'm also a public school teacher, and the pay can't be that great! )

If you're angry at God, that must mean you believe in him. He can handle your anger. Maybe it's time you quit blaming God, your wife, your adoption, and take a good look at what exactly do you want and how can you get it. It's comforting to stew in our own anger, and feel like everyone is against us, and life isn't fair. I know. I've been there. I also realize I am coming off a bit harsh, but I wish someone would have told me to get a grip, and knocked me to my senses.

A few years ago I went and interviewed for several other jobs and came to the realization that the grass wasn't greener, and I've never been happier teaching. You may not come to the same conclusion, but the interviewing and researching was freeing to me.

Once I was happier at work, things got better elsewhere. If you don't hate what you're doing 50 hours a week (or more), it makes you a bit happier and relaxed in other areas.

Good luck. I truly hate you feel this way about your life. I've been there, and it does suck.

[killer]

Okay I hear what you are saying...

but HOW do I do it?

Ive lost hope frankly.

Ive come to the conlusion I might be miserable the rest of my life.

Ive read 20 Positive Thinking books...Zig Zigalar and the rest...

The one Im reading now talks about PASSION, Going for what you are passionate about.

But.......

Trust me in my field, you just dont go get a Doctorate then teach college. Im a musician. The only people they are hiring are....young, hot musicians....

The God thing is very important. Its a good point....but do I really believe He is there? Verriers books are really LAME with the faith and spirituality piece, very dissapointing.

You arent coming off harsh. Your post is the best one yet....I hate the touchy feely....I hope the best for you...see you later posts...

No one wants to challenge and engage me.

Originally Posted by txrnr

If the books didn't help, then maybe your therapist is right, adoption may not be the root of your issues.

My advice, and frankly, you may be getting what you paid for, is get a new job. You are miserable there, and my guess is that sense of unfulfillment and missed dreams just festers and carries over into all your relationships.

Starting over at 44 won't be easy, but we aren't our granparents generation, we aren't dying at 60 anymore. You have plenty of time left!!! Go get that advanced degree, work at a college, whatever your dreams may be now! (I'm also a public school teacher, and the pay can't be that great! )

If you're angry at God, that must mean you believe in him. He can handle your anger. Maybe it's time you quit blaming God, your wife, your adoption, and take a good look at what exactly do you want and how can you get it. It's comforting to stew in our own anger, and feel like everyone is against us, and life isn't fair. I know. I've been there. I also realize I am coming off a bit harsh, but I wish someone would have told me to get a grip, and knocked me to my senses.

A few years ago I went and interviewed for several other jobs and came to the realization that the grass wasn't greener, and I've never been happier teaching. You may not come to the same conclusion, but the interviewing and researching was freeing to me.

Once I was happier at work, things got better elsewhere. If you don't hate what you're doing 50 hours a week (or more), it makes you a bit happier and relaxed in other areas.

Good luck. I truly hate you feel this way about your life. I've been there, and it does suck.

[curiositykitten]

If you're unhappy with your job then you have to have the want to change it. Focus on what you really want to do. What would YOU rather be doing? What would make you happier?

Yes, you can go and get a doctorate in education, but that would probably put you in an administrative position? Would that make you happier?

Could you continue teaching if you had a more creative outlet for your music? Playing in group, ect?

You're taking suggestions people are making and rejecting them, and don't get offended by my saying this, but do you really KNOW what you want that would make you happier?

You have to look within yourself and find what you really want, while coming here might or might not be helpful, you have to ultimately decide what you want and make some decisions.

Only you can make steps towards taking changes to find your happiness, and it's not easy, and it takes a lot of work to put into yourself to effect changes.

[austin0i]

Start being true to yourself and that may be beginning to take steps towards a different job.

Do it and start now.

Who cares how old you are? 44? So what? People reinvent themselves all the time and at different ages.

Also, the reason you are having trouble maintaining relationships, is your full of anger and negative energy. How can you not be, living the life you do on a daily basis.

Start by really being true to yourself. Take small steps. I understand you have family and responsibilities and can not just up and quit. But go back to school, and take steps in the direction you really want to go.

Also, take some yoga classes. It will help you to calm yourself and get centered. Dint scoff at this idea. Your insides are a twisted mess and you need to get grounded.

Kim

[killer]

NO,
I dont know what I want
I dont know what would make me happy.
I think Ive looked deep within...but probably havent.

My self-image is at an all time low at 44 years old!

Its never been good...but its gotten worse and worse over the last 10 - 15 years.

If I knew what would make me happier that would be great. At least I would know then I could go after that.

I play in lots of groups. Ive done about 6 CDs. Some great concerts....and Ive enjoyed those.

Im not a failure, Ive had some success.....dont get me wrong but it all seems to fall short for some reason

Im also an obsessive perfectionist....makes me miserable.

Originally Posted by curiositykitten

If you're unhappy with your job then you have to have the want to change it. Focus on what you really want to do. What would YOU rather be doing? What would make you happier?

Yes, you can go and get a doctorate in education, but that would probably put you in an administrative position? Would that make you happier?

Could you continue teaching if you had a more creative outlet for your music? Playing in group, ect?

You're taking suggestions people are making and rejecting them, and don't get offended by my saying this, but do you really KNOW what you want that would make you happier?

You have to look within yourself and find what you really want, while coming here might or might not be helpful, you have to ultimately decide what you want and make some decisions.

Only you can make steps towards taking changes to find your happiness, and it's not easy, and it takes a lot of work to put into yourself to effect changes.

[killer]

Thanks.

I really dont see how I can just go back to school.
At $25,000 - $40,000 a year....how can I afford that.??

My wife works part time, I only make a teachers salary. I have two teenagers to feed.
We live in the middle of nowhere.

I DO excersise a lot. Im an avid weighlifter/bodybuilder and do lots of aerobics...so I know that helps and it very positive.

But the yoga thing is good.....but it conflicts a little with some of my Christian faith...although Im not really living out my faith anyway..so...

Originally Posted by austin0i

Start being true to yourself and that may be beginning to take steps towards a different job.

Do it and start now.

Who cares how old you are? 44? So what? People reinvent themselves all the time and at different ages.

Also, the reason you are having trouble maintaining relationships, is your full of anger and negative energy. How can you not be, living the life you do on a daily basis.

Start by really being true to yourself. Take small steps. I understand you have family and responsibilities and can not just up and quit. But go back to school, and take steps in the direction you really want to go.

Also, take some yoga classes. It will help you to calm yourself and get centered. Dint scoff at this idea. Your insides are a twisted mess and you need to get grounded.

Kim

[killer]

I should also mention.

Im interested in talking to Christians who are also adopted.

Im struggling with faith. Angry at God? I guess....

I dont even know if I believe He is there anymore.

How do adoptess "see" God. How do you experience God?

I was a Born Again Christian when I got married to my Born Again wife....

Lately, Im questiong what decision I made back in 1983...

[txrnr]

I'm a Christian, and an adoptee. I have to give the disclaimer that I'm very comfortable being adopted. While I recognize that it may have caused a few issues in my life, I think EVERYONE has issues, adopted or not.

In Romans, Paul says that God can use everything to his good, and I truly believe that. One of my big issues is control. I like it. When I get in trouble, it's because I've given up trusting God and am trying to do things my way, or in my time. That may not be an issue for you, but something tells me that you've spent a lot of time angry with him and not listening when he tells you what to do.

I spent several months with a Christain Counselor, and that helped me tremendously. (it was marriage counseling) I didn't always like what he had to say, but I needed it.

God doesn't leave us. We leave him. The OT is full of examples of people leaving God, and him taking them back.

There are loans and grants to go to school. I went part time and paid for it myself. So what if it takes you 10 years? That time is going to pass even if you don't go to school. You can greet 2018 as the miserable school teacher, or the guy getting his doctorate. What a great example for your teens too! Not only that education is important no matter your age, but that you are responsible for making your own happiness and choices.
You may even find that going back to school isn't the answer, but simply trying to change will give you some confidence and freedom.

Good luck!

[killer]

Thanks
That is insightful and gives me stuff to think about.

Originally Posted by txrnr

I'm a Christian, and an adoptee. I have to give the disclaimer that I'm very comfortable being adopted. While I recognize that it may have caused a few issues in my life, I think EVERYONE has issues, adopted or not.

In Romans, Paul says that God can use everything to his good, and I truly believe that. One of my big issues is control. I like it. When I get in trouble, it's because I've given up trusting God and am trying to do things my way, or in my time. That may not be an issue for you, but something tells me that you've spent a lot of time angry with him and not listening when he tells you what to do.

I spent several months with a Christain Counselor, and that helped me tremendously. (it was marriage counseling) I didn't always like what he had to say, but I needed it.

God doesn't leave us. We leave him. The OT is full of examples of people leaving God, and him taking them back.

There are loans and grants to go to school. I went part time and paid for it myself. So what if it takes you 10 years? That time is going to pass even if you don't go to school. You can greet 2018 as the miserable school teacher, or the guy getting his doctorate. What a great example for your teens too! Not only that education is important no matter your age, but that you are responsible for making your own happiness and choices.
You may even find that going back to school isn't the answer, but simply trying to change will give you some confidence and freedom.

Good luck!