[Dickons]

Killer,

I read your reply to my post and then went and reread your post. Playing devils advocate:

You hate your life:
You have a wife, children, a home, job, summers off, insurance, security, and away from the city.

I love my life:
I have survived and continued on after the death of my son at 5 weeks of age, through the next twenty years not giving up on the father of my son, through his own hell. Taking the step to move on only to have life almost stop at the age of 43 when I had a heart attack followed by a stroke one week later. I am now 47, happy, married, no longer working due to health but finding a way to continue on and enjoy my life.

When you reach out - others are cold: What do you expect if you have lived as an angry man, that they open their arms wide? You must earn someones respect just like they must earn your respect. Actions create reactions, you must give to get, when was the last time you saw someone you could help and did it just because you could? Maybe you need to help the world around you, help somone just to make their day. You may find it makes your day too.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[killer]

Dickons,
I hear you.

But, what about when I DO help people and should feel great....but I dont?

My wife lives every second of every day like you say I should.....and she is very happy ....

She is stumped as well. Yes Im self centered and ovewhelmed...but the thing that stumps her is that even when I am doing great things i.e. helping others make great music, being a great dad or husband, serving.....
at those moments when I should feel great.....
I dont.....I feel empty...like it doesnt matter....

[megmagruder]

Killer,

I am a Christian adult adoptee. I have read and re-read your post. I hear your anger through your words. I hear you are Angry with life. I have to say I am sad to read how much you HATE.

I have had sorrow, loss, and depression. But my faith in God and my church helped me through the anger. It is not a normal church, it is a church with a leadership mentality. You have to be able to lead yourself...

It is OK to be angry at God, he can handle it. There is only 1 thing in life we have control over, and that is our Attitude. You have to decide that you want to change your attitude. It determines where you will be in life.

I do have a question. Do you allow anything to bring you joy?

We have a series right now at church. "Master the Keys of Breakthrough" It is focusing on the anatomy of a thought... Breaking through the patterns of your past to a line yourself with God's plan, follow his pattern, and receive his promise. Here is a link to the pod cast. Master the Keys.
I honestly believe if you spend the time to listen to the 8 messages, take notes treat it like a class you will have the power to change parts if not your whole life. You say you do not know what will make you happy, you say you have not looked with in.

Let me know if you have any questions. I wish you luck and I hope the dark cloud that is over your life gives way to a sunny blue sky.

[Dickons]

Killer,

When you help someone do they know it is you or do you help without them knowing it was you? I feel better when it is private helping versus public.

Have you ever rescued an animal from the shelter? How did that feel - did you love the animal? I love my buddies and cannot think of life without them.

Somewhat off topic: I attended one of those one day seminars that work will send you to and the speaker told us her theory on anger (the seminar was how to be a better manager). Her words changed me that day and basically she challenged us to give it a go. Her theory: Anger is not an emotion but a physcial reaction that you can choose to avoid. Her description was something like...You are driving to work and someone cuts you off. You can either choose to be upset or you can choose to let them in graciously. If you choose to be upset then your body will release adenaline (sp?) (fight of flight reaction) and that it takes the body 20 minutes for it to go through your system. Anytime in that next 20 minutes that you get annoyed will trigger the response to start again and continue for the next 20 minutes...so basically if you keep getting mad within a 20 minute time frame your entire day can be fueled by adrenaline/anger. I tried it and it was absolutely amazing and even if I got mad the next time something triggered me, I chose to be gracious and it did work. After awhile it became habit to choose whether it was worth being upset about or to let it go. Hopefully this makes sense.

Let me know if any of this gives you food for thought or you want me to just be quiet.

Take care,
Dickons

[killer]

Thansk Ill check those out.

What brings me joy?
Wrestling with my son
Being silly with my daughter
Hugging my wife
Sex with my wife
Cleaning the whole house and doing laundry, buying my wife roses and chocolate and seeing her feeling loved
Playing music...sometimes with the right people and a good night
Helping some of my students who want to learn
Pale Ale
A head scratch
Lifting weights
Salmon Steak on the grill
A foot rub
Cuddling/spooning with my wife in bed
Seinfeld
MUSIC

Originally Posted by megmagruder

Killer,

I am a Christian adult adoptee. I have read and re-read your post. I hear your anger through your words. I hear you are Angry with life. I have to say I am sad to read how much you HATE.

I have had sorrow, loss, and depression. But my faith in God and my church helped me through the anger. It is not a normal church, it is a church with a leadership mentality. You have to be able to lead yourself...

It is OK to be angry at God, he can handle it. There is only 1 thing in life we have control over, and that is our Attitude. You have to decide that you want to change your attitude. It determines where you will be in life.

I do have a question. Do you allow anything to bring you joy?

We have a series right now at church. "Master the Keys of Breakthrough" It is focusing on the anatomy of a thought... Breaking through the patterns of your past to a line yourself with God's plan, follow his pattern, and receive his promise. Here is a link to the pod cast. Master the Keys.
I honestly believe if you spend the time to listen to the 8 messages, take notes treat it like a class you will have the power to change parts if not your whole life. You say you do not know what will make you happy, you say you have not looked with in.

Let me know if you have any questions. I wish you luck and I hope the dark cloud that is over your life gives way to a sunny blue sky.

[killer]

Thanks...its good....
I DO go through my day....every 10 minutes and get angry....

I DO think if I had a different job things would be better but...
Maybe its my attitude and not the job?

Originally Posted by Dickons

Killer,

When you help someone do they know it is you or do you help without them knowing it was you? I feel better when it is private helping versus public.

Have you ever rescued an animal from the shelter? How did that feel - did you love the animal? I love my buddies and cannot think of life without them.

Somewhat off topic: I attended one of those one day seminars that work will send you to and the speaker told us her theory on anger (the seminar was how to be a better manager). Her words changed me that day and basically she challenged us to give it a go. Her theory: Anger is not an emotion but a physcial reaction that you can choose to avoid. Her description was something like...You are driving to work and someone cuts you off. You can either choose to be upset or you can choose to let them in graciously. If you choose to be upset then your body will release adenaline (sp?) (fight of flight reaction) and that it takes the body 20 minutes for it to go through your system. Anytime in that next 20 minutes that you get annoyed will trigger the response to start again and continue for the next 20 minutes...so basically if you keep getting mad within a 20 minute time frame your entire day can be fueled by adrenaline/anger. I tried it and it was absolutely amazing and even if I got mad the next time something triggered me, I chose to be gracious and it did work. After awhile it became habit to choose whether it was worth being upset about or to let it go. Hopefully this makes sense.

Let me know if any of this gives you food for thought or you want me to just be quiet.

Take care,
Dickons

[megmagruder]

Looks like a good start. :-)

[MamaS]

I am an adoptive parent and a retired child counselor. I hear your anger and your depression. I do not think it is adoption related either.
Summer is coming and you will have "free time". I suggest you leave your family. Go to a nearby larger population center and rent a studio apartment for the summer.
You say only young men get musician jobs. I say contact every funeral parlor, church, florist (they help with wedding planning) and any restaurant or hotel that has a piano. Ask to audition and to be put on their call list. Run an ad in the local paper for other "mature" musicians who play your style. Form a trio, quartet, etc. Contact service clubs, Kiwanis, Lions, American Legion, Retired Teachers and offer to do entertainment at the meetings.
One of two things may happen: At the end of the summer you will realize how much happier you are at home with your wife and kids and you will want to go back. OR .... you will discover that life as a musician is NOT an impossible dream and you will continue to pursue it.
PS You are not too old to get a student loan and to back to college if that is what you want.

[Dickons]

Killer,

The anger theory made sense to me so I tried it. Try it honestly for a couple of days and see if it makes a difference - it may be just that easy to get a new attitude, it was for me.

If not, you tried it with an open mind. Off to my cardiac rehab...so will check in tomorrow.

Take care,
Dickons

[killer]

Thanks.

I appreciate that you think its NOT adoptive related.
That means alot....I use this as an excuse for my behavior too often.
Your idea is impracticale and not realistic. I know musicians who move to citys and dont get gig for 3-4 years....

but I appreciate the concept and the paradigm....its right on the money....

maybe I can get to that place in another more realstic way.....

well, it kind of what Im trying to do by writing and reaching out here and a few other places

thanks

Originally Posted by MamaS

I am an adoptive parent and a retired child counselor. I hear your anger and your depression. I do not think it is adoption related either.
Summer is coming and you will have "free time". I suggest you leave your family. Go to a nearby larger population center and rent a studio apartment for the summer.
You say only young men get musician jobs. I say contact every funeral parlor, church, florist (they help with wedding planning) and any restaurant or hotel that has a piano. Ask to audition and to be put on their call list. Run an ad in the local paper for other "mature" musicians who play your style. Form a trio, quartet, etc. Contact service clubs, Kiwanis, Lions, American Legion, Retired Teachers and offer to do entertainment at the meetings.
One of two things may happen: At the end of the summer you will realize how much happier you are at home with your wife and kids and you will want to go back. OR .... you will discover that life as a musician is NOT an impossible dream and you will continue to pursue it.
PS You are not too old to get a student loan and to back to college if that is what you want.

[killer]

Is there another on-line option for me to "talk" to other adoptees.

I started this thread, got some good advise but I would like to talk more


Thanks

K

[txrnr]

Hey Killer,

I was coming back here to check on you. I think there is an adoptee chat one night, but I'm not much help on when. I'm sure someone will be along with an answer!

Hope you're hanging in there. Are you on Spring Break? We are here, and it has gone WAY too fast.

[Dickons]

Hi Killer,

Just checking in to see how things are in your life. I'm usually only here in the am so not much help in the talking aspect. I am thinking of you and hoping you will change your name from Killer to Kitten if you find some success.

Any news?

Dickons

[killer]

Originally Posted by Dickons

Hi Killer,

Just checking in to see how things are in your life. I'm usually only here in the am so not much help in the talking aspect. I am thinking of you and hoping you will change your name from Killer to Kitten if you find some success.

Any news?

Dickons

Nope...life sucks...

I had a BAD day today...

My wife says I need to get out of my job and do something else. She says I just need to DO SOMETHING about it...

But..I feel trapped and that there is no way out.
I hate it but I need to feed my family.

Maybe, just maybe she will work fulltime next year...but no health benefits...
we have 13 and 11 year old kids.

I dont have any skills or interests besides being a musician....

its my love and passion but you cant make a living at it.

Im stuck, lonely, hopeless.

Today was a BAD day....one bad thing after another....
I just wanted to run away and quit...

[sal]

The chat room here at Adoption.com is a WONDERFUL place for support and understanding. It's sometimes hit and miss..but most evenings there is a great mix of people that have gotten me through the many ups and downs of reunion...Finding people that really understood what it felt like to be adopted...and not know the truth about their origins helped me not feel that I was so alone. I guess it was a bit of the "safety in numbers". Hope to see you there sometime...sal