[alphagal]

Hello all. Just curious if other adoptees have 'pushed' away their birth families once they've made contact.

The past month or so I haven't wanted to have contact with bdad and bsiblings. 3 weeks ago bdad and i were on the phone and I finally brought up the subject of bmom (we've been talking for 9 months and never brought her up). Needless to say the phone call ended abruptly on his end. Now I have the feeling I don't want them in my life. I feel angry, even though I'm not. It's almost like I want them to suffer of ME not wanting contact with them.

I think all of this stems from the fact of how open I am to relationships with them all. I'm just a friendly person and have shared numerous photos with them (on their request) about the things I've been up to this year. Yet I never receive anything from them, even though I've asked plenty. Also I hate how I've always answered the phone when they've called. I just feel too available. But I don't want to play games and not answer the phone or having to wait an obligatory 3 days before responding to an email. Because that's not me! I always stop what I'm doing to chat on the phone or reply to an email to anyone.

Anyways I figured out yesterday I was attempting, in my own feeble way, to push away from them. Not that they notice. My husband says it wouldn't be nice of me to cut contact with them because I initiated the search from the beginning. And I agree, that wouldn't be polite.

So...anyone have advice or similar stories??

AlphaGal

[Toolate]

Hi AlphaGal,
I don't have much advice to offer but I can offer some support. I'm kind of in the same position as you are. Questions go unanswered; sometimes a month or two will pass before I get a response to an e-mail. There's no way to ignore the one-sidedness of the relationship, but all I can say is try not to give up on them. Hopefully they'll come around. Perhaps in not wanting contact with them, you are protecting yourself from the pain that comes with this situation in your relationship with your bfamily. At least I think that's what my thinking was. It hurts and there isn't much we can do about it. Somehow I don't think we could just ask them to please be a family to us. Sometimes it just seems easier for adoptees to become a family than for the other bfamily members. It's difficult, but I believe we must find a way to keep up the effort.
Bob

[bprice215]

I agree with your husband, it would be rude to not answer their emails and phone calls. I'm not for sure why your bfather ended the conversation the way he did, maybe he still has issues with the bmom, who knows. I think it rather rude of your bfamily to not respond to what you ask, but again who knows why people do the things they do. I think it would be prudent in you to give them a little more time, and see if their response is more favorable to you. Good luck, hope it works out for you. Let us know how it goes, okay. bprice215

[snuffie]

Some people are just that way. Some are the "callers" and some are the "callees". Some are so busy with their own lives that there is little room for anything or anyone else and even when there is a major occurence they are so set in their ways its just normal for them to go on the way they have been in other relationships.

An adoptees position is so different than our bfamilies. They have always known "who" they are. We haven't. Their questions can be so easily answered with just a word or two from their parents. Ours can't. We have to search and wonder and pray and every bit of info. gained is so prescious.

It doesn't sound like you absolutely don't want any contact from them - it just may be that you want the contact you do have to be different. But we can't force people to be the way we want them to be no matter how hard we try.

Maybe just getting very busy with something you really enjoy and taking your mind off of them -making them less "important" in your life (easy to say, hard to do) would help. And when you do speak to them maybe letting them know how important they are to you and how much you really want the info. they have.

I know when my reunion was very new, I would stress over hearing or not hearing from my bfamily. Now it is much more relaxed and I try not to stress over it. It helps my sanity a lot!


Snuffie

[Patty-cake]

Don't take it personally. Something may have actually come up. Give him the benifit of the doubt.

I recomend however that you keep your relationships with each parent separate. For them it is kind of like being diorced. They were bonded together forever in some way due their child but they are living separate lives. Since it was likely a complicated relationship that happened a long time ago there may be unresolved issues between the two of them. He may not have thought about these things in years and may not know how he feels or what he thinks. Give him some time.

[kakuehl]

It's fascinating for me to read postings by different members of the triad and the varying perspecitives. Often all sides seem to make assumptions about the motives, emotions, situations of the "other side" based on very little information. As a "birth" or "first" (or whatever you want to call me) mom, it seems clear to me that your question struck a nerve for your bdad, for what ever reason. That does not mean that you shouldn't have asked the question.

I think you'll find, as you read the various threads, that it's not uncommom for either side in the reunion to "pull back" for a while. We tend to describe the process of reunion as a roller coaster... there are definitely ups and downs!

I wish my bson would ask the questions... I am very willing to share anything (well almost..) with him, but at this point he seems content with what he already knows. I have shared info with him about his bdad who unfortunately is dead. I don't know if he has made any effort to contact his sibling on that that side of the family. I would say that his relationship with my other children has grown faster than our relationship. Did your bsiblings know of your existence? Sometimes it takes a while to get over the shock. (especially if it makes us wonder what else our parents haven't told us!) My children knew of their brother's existence so it wasn't a surprise. The surprise, according to my daugher is that it felt so "comortable" when we met. She was expecting it to be very awkward.

I am not really comfortable calling my bson very often. I'm always afraid I'm interrupting something (although I'd drop anything to talk to him -- silly isn't it).

I encourage you not to break off communication entirely, but perhaps to take your time responding to their emails (This from the person who would respond within 5 minutes even if they took 5 months!)

Try to relax and let the relationship develop at its own pace. (This is one of those slow uphill patches on the rollercoaster!)

Blessings,
Kathy

[alphagal]

Thanks so much for what everyone has wrote. It's funny how often I get the "ah-ha!" moment when reading posts.
To answer the questions - his children know and have known about me. Weird how his teens have known about me for years, yet I just found out about them in September. Craziness!!

I'm sure he's pulling away right now, and that is OK. Reading the posts, I knew it was bound to happen...guess I just figured there would be a signal beforehand. We had started talking on a regular basis, and he even emailed saying he loved me. So maybe it was time for both of us to take a step back. I don't really know what I want, but it is easier to not think about it so much when you aren't getting emails or chatting on the phone.

As for the advice of keeping the bmom & bdad relationships seperate; that really is true! Maybe I shouldn't of brought her up like I did, but again, after talking for 9 months, I thought we had built a rapport to handle the tough talks.

On a different subject, I finally wrote a note to bmom. Just a few sentences saying hi. I used simple stationary. I'm going to stay positive (called her 6 years ago and got the hang up) that she's ready to make contact.

I'm so grateful to have a forum like this for members of the triad. Reading other people's rewards and struggles really puts everything in perspective.

AlphaGal

[JPDakota]

As an adoptee, I often wonder what other adoptees expect to happen with regard to birth family relationships. It seems like there's a whole lot of expectations that may or may not be shared by the birth family. Sometimes when dealing with a problematic issue it helps to formulate, define and visualize the desired final outcome. So, if you could have any kind of final result you want, how would you describe it? And how could you create a path to get you there?
Obviously, we don't live in a perfect world and you may never get to that desired result. The thing is, you certainly can't get there unless you decide where you're going. Just my thought.

[mom2justynsarah]

I am a mom to both a bio & adopted child. My daughter's birth parents are married & have three older children. Her siblings are full blooded.

Although my daughter is only 19 months old, I always have her birth family in the back of my mind. I don't know what kind of interest, pain, curiosity, willingness, etc that this will bring my daughter in the future. I can only be there for her as her mother (loving, supporting & protective).

I commend you for being a friendly, open & obviously caring, loving person. I would not let this change who you are on the inside. Stay being yourself! You can only control things about yourself (nobody else).

I would look deep into myself. I would ask myself what I wanted out of these relationships. I don't see anything wrong with you pulling back a bit. It would allow you some breathing room to sort out your feelings.

Good luck & stay true to yourself!

[alphagal]

Thank you sooo much for what you have written. Staying true to myself...Yeah!
I can't and don't want to change who I am. Maybe I'm just to awesome for them to handle (ok ok, stop laughing at me!!!). But seriously; I have no expectations. Actually I do, I told him " I don't know what to expect, I just want it to continue". To me that means to become friends over time. And if that's a lofty expectation, then I'll meet you on the moon

OK, so I understand the pull-back, taking a break, personal things. Let me ask...I was going to send his children back to school gifts. Just something I do for my friends and family. Should I not?

AlphaGal

[bprice215]

AlphaGal, I'd send your bfamily back to school gifts because it's what you do, and I think staying true to yourself is important. You post is very interesting, I do hope everything works out for you too. bprice215

[leahpoozle]

i find it kind of hard to deal with too sometimes. i am in contact with three of my birth siblings and my birth sister in particular makes me want to pull away. she refuses to have a candid discussion about our mother. she gets annoyed when i refer to our mother by her first name (i HAVE a mother, and it wasnt her. i'm not angry, just realistic)
our mother died when my sister was only 6. she left a life behind with multiple children scattered around the country from multiple men. she left drug addiction and alcoholism behind her, but my sister refuses to see those things. she refers to our mother as if she were a saint. i understand that she doesn't want to trash talk her, but a simple awknowlegement of all the pain our mother left us would be nice. i find it frustrating to talk to my sister because she refuses to awknowledge all the lies our mother told her about me.
i don't really know how to deal with it either. i want to be avaliable for her to talk to and grieve with, but how?
sometimes i wish i could go back to just no knowing.
good luck. if you ever need to talk, i'm here.

[alphagal]

leahpoozle,
wow, that is a tough relationship you've found yourself in. maybe your bsis has a lot more to deal with about your bmom. she only remembers (wants to?) her from when she was 6 years old. maybe she isn't ready to take the rose-colored glasses off? i'm not defending her actions...but yeah these things seem to take time.

well how are the relationships with the rest of your bsiblings? do they acknowledge your bmom's inadequacies with you?

so i'm approaching two months with no contact with bdad and family. i remember when we first started reunion, a few days not talking felt like a lifetime. but now i can't believe two months has passed! really feels like a week.

alphagal

[leahpoozle]

re: alphagal

i agree that she hasn't addressed some stuff relating to her mom and her death. thats why i TRY to be as patient as possible. my other 2 b-siblings are older and much more realistic, so our relationship is much better. they also live far away, while my b sister is only an hour or two from me.
ah the drama of adoptees!
Thanks for the encouraging words.

[NYLM]

Something like that. It's moreso the siblings than the parents for me. There's 5 (4 sis/1bro) of them and I know that they talk about me but they don't often talk to me. Then there's the PR sibling who acts like she's interested but I know that she's just reporting back to the others.

I'm not sure that I want to keep talking to them.