[rilo kiley]

Hello everyone,

I just had the first phone call with my birth mother and didn't know where else to turn. I was so nervous. I called her a half hour late; traffic, my dog had to go out, I had to change from work clothes, light a candle, turn on some music, etc... My fingers went numb and my cell phone died before I called. My little dog freaked out and ran around and around.

Finally I called- and it was as if I had known her forever. Has anyone else had this experience? All my fears melted away when I heard her voice. I was no longer scared. We talked for 2 and half hours, it was great. I mean, I still want to cry (and am), thinking a few things were misunderstood- but, overall- it was magic.

She told me when she was 16 (with me) she waited 6 months to tell her mother because she "knew what she would do." When she finally told her mother she was pregnant with me (at 6 months) her mother said, "We can send you to New York and take care of that." My birth mother stood strong in her position and finished High School with no seats that she would fit in (the school never thought she would show up!) so she shared 2 chairs between 2 boys, and graduated high school 18 days after my birth. My birth father (who is still in contact with her and has my info but hasn't contacted me yet) asked her to marry him at that time, but she said he had an abusive family and she wouldn't raise me in that.

I guess my new post is, has anyone had a baby where their family didn't support them in giving it for adoption (or even carrying it to full term?) or where they felt pressured to marry, but felt the best choice was to relinquish the child- though it was the hardest choice? I just never knew my bmom's mom would've made her abort me. It's so crazy to hear. You know? I've wondered about other birth/first mother's choices and who helped/supported them, and who wanted to help them with another choice. Maybe this is a terrible post. It's way too long already. I just thought, if there was a moment I should I post- it's now. I'm so glad to talk to her. She was so brave. She is sooo brave. I want to write theme songs for her. Did I mention her father died when she was 13? She was the youngest of 5 and the least close to her mother because of her choices in life. Beginning with me. Her choice for my life. How do I begin to thank her for her courage? Her bravery? I don't know where to start.... Help me?

[kune]

kiley
What a lovely post. I cn imagine how excited you are at the moment. That first sound of voice is magic.....and so it should be. You've waited a long time to hear it.

Your Mom's story is the same as many many women who post here. As young single Mom's they all needed their parents for support, but not all have the courage to make their own decisions. Your's obviously did....and here you both are talking to each other!!!

I hope your reunion continues to be a joyous one.
I've been in contact with my son for over 4 years now, and it's been a very defining time in my life - I always hoped we would know each other, and the knowing is better than anything I ever imagined. We are seperated by thousands of miles, but keep in touch by phone and e-mails. The best advice I can give you is to take it slowly - don't try to rush anything. You have the rest of your life to make this a really good connection, and if you take small steps, deep breathe, and establish good communication lines before you physically meet, your reunion has it's best chance of being an enduring one.

Read as much as you can on other's reunions. Learn from their mistakes and pick up pointers that appeal to you in your circumstances.

You can never be loved by too many people, and this sounds like the start of a very satisfying connection. Keep posting - there are many here who will help you along the way.

Regards
Ann

[corhen]

I am a new adoptive parent and was touched by your message. I don't know if this is something widely known and I am behind but there is a great book called "The Girls who went Away" The hidden history of women who surrended children for adoption in the decades before Roe v. Wade.
I really liked it. I wanted to just learn about adoption as a whole in our country. I think this might help you. The book is very new and just published.
So sorry if I am behind and you already know about this book.

[healingfeeling]

Hi rilo kiley,

Sooooooooooo happy for you that you spoke with your first mother and that it was magic ))))))))))))))))

My mother (i'm half adopted) told me that she had wished that her "problem" (being pregnant with me) would go away at first. She went to a "home for unwed mothers" at age 17 and ended up keeping me....but hearing that she wanted the pregnancy to go away has stayed in my mind since the day she said that. I'm sure hearing that your bgma wanted your first mother to abort you was painful, but try not to focus on that...we can try together just to be happy about our reunions!

congrats again!!!!!!! welcome to the reunited club!

[whitsunday15]

My momma's story sounds so much like yours. Her parents didn't want her to abort me, but they sent her away, and she did not want to give me up. She was forced at the age of 16 also. My first phone call to her was almost 2 weeks ago, but I had the same feelings. I was nervous beyond words--and I am an actress for crying out loud. I've never had such sweaty palms, and I could hardly breathe. But once she started talking it was like my unconscious remembered her, and I was instantly at ease. It's the most wonderful feeling isn't it? I love to listen to her talk.
I'm so happy for you to have made it to this step. I have been thinking about the same thing, how can I ever thank her enough for her bravery. I decided that I can thank her by making her a huge part of my life from now on. She is tickled pink everytime I answer the phone, "Hi mom!". Little things like that make her day. I send her text messages everyday telling her how much I love her. I spoil her rotten with love, and I so enjoy every moment of it.
Enjoy her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Share with her. That's how you can thank her.

[rilo kiley]

Thank you all so much for the posts! It's a wonderful feeling to have a community of support from people who have similar experiences. I can't begin to thank you all enough. It's so great to share that phone call and know that it's all ok. All those feelings and thoughts and that strange recognition immediately. I'm crying again now from all your kind words...

I hadn't heard of the book-The Girls Who Went Away and I think I would really like to go find it. It sounds like a great thing to read right now, I want to understand more about what that process is/was all about. Thank you for the suggestion.

Going slow is a good thing to hear. She wants to come meet me this summer and I'm still wondering if the circumstances will be ideal for that first meeting. Good thing to think about. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and stories they brought me such comfort and somehow really solidifies that the phone call actually happened- like it was witnessed and celebrated by you all as well.

At the end of the call it was a little funny- like how do we say "I love you" and goodbye. She also said something about how her daughter's friend always calls her "Mom" and how great that is, I think I'd really love to call her that- to own that part of our connection- we've both been cautious of possible boundaries the other might have, but on the phone it became very clear we both feel much less worried about boundaries for ourselves. It's all so exciting.

I'm such a mess and so happy right now.

[whitsunday15]

Honestly, I don't know how you can restrain from seeing her yourself. I already booked my trip to see my momma. I'm spending the month of July living with her. I cannot wait to be back in her arms.
But, go with whatever pace you're comfortable with. She'll work with you.
Yay! It's so fun to talk about this stuff!

[andi00]

My fiance just talked to his daughter for the first time, shes 11. He gave her up for adoption to her grandparent when she was 2 and hasnt seen her since. They made it to difficult for him. It was the same...like they had known eachother forever! She told him he was her bestfrend..it was like magic. They have sooo much in common, its unbelievable! I cry just thinking about it.

[Kitti]

First off let me say that I LOVE Rilo Kiley so your screen name is awesome. I am a bmom who had an experience very much like your bmoms. I was 15 and I waited almost 6 months before telling my mother because I knew what would happen. In that time I read everything I could get my hands on about pregnancy so I could figure out what to do and what not to do. When I did tell my mom I also got the line about going to New York to take care of it. I told my mother that was out of the question and she said "Well, you will never raise this child anyway so do what you want" . I was in an attys office a few days later and I was told I had no choice in what would happen to my baby because I was only 15. I fought, cried, and begged to deaf ears and then finally became resigned to the fact that it was out of my hands. I refused to sign any forms at all, but my mother signed everything and I never even saw my daughter. I went home from the hospital on my 16th birthday. Time passes and I have had more children and lived a pretty good life while waiting for my 1st daughter to be old enough to meet and maybe form a friendship. Now 22 years later it is not to be. She is not ready for any contact with me and I don't really get the feeling she will ever be. She has had a wonderful life, great parents and is happy. I could not ask for more for her but I am still empty in a way. I have never had any personal contact(it is all through amom) and I still wish I could see her someday. There are many, many, bmoms who share the same story in one variation or another and I really love to see a happy ending. I hope your reunion is everything you dream of. How are your aparents with your reunion? I have this crazy idea that everyone can just be friends and one big family. Because hey........how can it hurt to add to the people you know that love you. That is in my ideal world, the real world as I understand is different. Keep us posted and feel free to PM if you want to.
Kitti

[irisheyes33]

Hi Rilo Kiley,

I am SOOOOO happy for you!!! I don't think you will ever forget that rush of emotions before THE PHONE CALL...it really is indescribable to anyone who hasn't been through it. My first phone call with my bmom lasted 12 hours. Yep, 12 hours. I was sooooo scared when I got home that day that the phone would not ring like she had promised in an email. Then when it did...yeah, sweaty palms was an understatement. We connected very, very strongly from the beginning...so much so that after our first f2f she pulled back slightly...not in terms of less contact, but not sounding very affectionate. It took her about a month to put herself out there and say "I love you", even though she admits to feeling that the first time we spoke on the phone. We just got back from our latest f2f - a weeklong road trip where we spent every second together - and the hardest thing in the world is letting her go and saying goodbye, knowing it will probably be months before I see her again.

I know exactly what you mean about the comfort of hearing her voice. Is it hokey to say that I felt like I actually recognized it?? She has such a calming effect on me. It is hard for me to not just cling to her constantly when I am around her. Luckily she seems to like it but I am a grown woman, for goodness sakes!!

This sounds like such a wonderful beginning...I am genuinely happy that the first call went so well!! I do hope you can meet in person soon. If you think the phone call was intense...just wait!!! It DOES get even better!

[rilo kiley]

Kitti- thank you for sharing your story. You are so brave and showed such courage. I keep getting overwhelmed just thinking about it. Maybe when your daughter is a little older she'll feel differently. I just turned 29, and while I always wanted to find my birthmom I don't think I was neccesarily ready for her before now. We're all on different schedules I guess. I am so lucky to be in the position I'm in. My aparents are ok with it. My dad hasn't asked about it or talked to me about it at all, but that doesn't mean he's unsupportive. My amom has said unkind things about my bmom throughout my life- not all the time- only just comments- they've always upset me and I won't tolerate it now, though I know it's coming from her fear of losing and sharing me. She wants to be supportive, and for the most part she really is.

My boyfriend and I were just talking about "the big happy family" dream today. I told my amom last night on the phone that I'm glad my bf and I haven't gotten married yet, because now maybe my bmom could come (and all her family and my bio-fam who wanted to come), and that would be so perfect. My amom said, "Well, of course, I don't see how you couldn't invite her now. But, the front row is mine." She was laughing when she said it and she was joking- but she was serious. Then she said, "Well, if you have a front row. You'll probably have everyone sitting in a circle- but then the candle's mine." She was laughing and I laughed too, and we started crying. It was something moving towards that dream. A little bit at a time.

My boyfriend's family is huge- both parents divorced and remarried- he has lots of incredible siblings- and somehow introducing my birthfamily into all that mix would make all the families and individuals conect so much better.

Irish Eyes, hello, and how great was your roadtrip? That sounds amazing. I'm so happy for you! I know the voice thing, it just calmed me. I've never experienced anything like it. The f2f will completely floor me I'm sure. We're the same shoe size and looks like clothes size as well- how incredible. I was so happy when I found out we have the same shoe size- I felt silly, but we could share shoes now! I could've done that growing up! It made me feel so good. Silly little things. I think any little thing with her would make me so happy.

Andi- that's so wonderful they talked! How exciting for you both right now. It's great you are so supportive of him and their relationship.

Corhen- I just bought the book The Girls Who Went Away yesterday- I started it and I love it. Thank you for the idea- I'm so happy to have it to read now.

[irisheyes33]

The roadtrip was incredible...thanks for asking I just wish I didn't have such a hole in my heart right now...sounds cheesy, but gads, what a wrench to be away from her again. We spent 28 hours on the road with no music...just talking...and 6 all-nighters up talking and then spending every moment of every day together with her friends. We all bonded immediately. We even got out some buried emotional stuff and were clingier than ever. Her best friend calls us a couple of lovebirds even though we don't cling in public...but the chemistry is just obvious, and it doesn't help that we look and act so much alike!

How cool that you and your birthmom have the clothes/shoe size thing. We have that too! We spent the roadtrip exchanging shoes, sometimes in the middle of the day. I bet you and your birthmom have similar taste in clothing as well. My birthmom joked that probably just about the age my amom was ready to kick me to the curb (about 16) that she would have wanted to take me back. She has given me lessons on the clothes and makeup thing and we always share stuff when we are together. It's one of my favorite things about being with her.

Ooooooh, I can't wait to hear about your f2f...you are going to LOVE it!!! I'm sooooooo happy for you

[carmel drake]

Originally Posted by rilo kiley

Hello everyone,

I just had the first phone call with my birth mother and didn't know where else to turn. I was so nervous. I called her a half hour late; traffic, my dog had to go out, I had to change from work clothes, light a candle, turn on some music, etc... My fingers went numb and my cell phone died before I called. My little dog freaked out and ran around and around.

Finally I called- and it was as if I had known her forever. Has anyone else had this experience? All my fears melted away when I heard her voice. I was no longer scared. We talked for 2 and half hours, it was great. I mean, I still want to cry (and am), thinking a few things were misunderstood- but, overall- it was magic.

She told me when she was 16 (with me) she waited 6 months to tell her mother because she "knew what she would do." When she finally told her mother she was pregnant with me (at 6 months) her mother said, "We can send you to New York and take care of that." My birth mother stood strong in her position and finished High School with no seats that she would fit in (the school never thought she would show up!) so she shared 2 chairs between 2 boys, and graduated high school 18 days after my birth. My birth father (who is still in contact with her and has my info but hasn't contacted me yet) asked her to marry him at that time, but she said he had an abusive family and she wouldn't raise me in that.

I guess my new post is, has anyone had a baby where their family didn't support them in giving it for adoption (or even carrying it to full term?) or where they felt pressured to marry, but felt the best choice was to relinquish the child- though it was the hardest choice? I just never knew my bmom's mom would've made her abort me. It's so crazy to hear. You know? I've wondered about other birth/first mother's choices and who helped/supported them, and who wanted to help them with another choice. Maybe this is a terrible post. It's way too long already. I just thought, if there was a moment I should I post- it's now. I'm so glad to talk to her. She was so brave. She is sooo brave. I want to write theme songs for her. Did I mention her father died when she was 13? She was the youngest of 5 and the least close to her mother because of her choices in life. Beginning with me. Her choice for my life. How do I begin to thank her for her courage? Her bravery? I don't know where to start.... Help me?

Hi rilo kiley
Most every mother I know of seemed to go to the wrong people to tell of their pregnancies. Once the "best choice" for the baby was told to them, any thoughts of keeping their baby made them feel selfish, as if they were not putting their baby's welfare first.

I know one woman, who told me that she knew that her parents would support her and her child, but my friend didn't tell them because she thought that babies needed a mother and father to raise her child. That is what society/adoption advitersiments has preached and instilled into the minds of everyone.

Imbical child once wrote a comment/statement I can't recall axactly what it was but it had to do with the why/how a mother is driven to give up her child. I thought to myself as do many mother's from the past.." the jewish holding their children's hands,unknownly followed in line into the gas chambers. Why?, "because they belived "

I did read once of a women, like myself who did speak up and say that "we" have changed our minds about placing our baby, but were led to believe that our unsigned agreement was binding. I'm sure many on the forums know by now, that many mother's were medicated when they signed those papers. Have your read legalised lies? " Origins usa..origins canada"

I know for certain that many couples married due to unplanned pregnancies. Some marriages lasted for years, while others did not. A girl has already lost her self worth, once her boyfriend has dumped her, which makes her easy prey for others to cause her to doubt her ability to care for her own child. It is very sad, when a young couple believes that they are old enough for an adult relationship, then through their parent's anger finds themselves " just kids again"

I think that the best way to thank your mother, would be to always be open with your feelings the positive or the negative. Show paitences, kindness and understand that she may have different versions of what happened, memories usually are clear but also at times are not. New memories come out as time goes by, it takes months and sometimes longer to feel, what has been buried.

I loved your post. I wish you and yours continued bonding and loads of happiness.
Carmel

To the girl who said that " her mother had said that she wished it would go away" She doesn't mean the baby should go away, most of us at first, felt pregnancy was a missed period, most often once the baby beings moving that pregnancy becomes real.

[rilo kiley]

Carmel- thank you for your post. I had always read stories about young women being forced, coerced, or shamed into thinking the only option was to relinquish their child- the stigma the names- but somehow now, actually hearing her story (where our stories first became connected) it chills me, cuts me, it makes it all real. I hear and read other women sharing about that time and I get numb all over, nearly paralyzed. I thank you for sharing. I just want to reach back in time and hold her hand, you know? Grab her and hug her and comfort her. I just want her to know I hear her story. That I "bear witness" to that pain, to that awful position with no resources to turn to, no support. Reading about other women on this journey has been a huge comfort to me somehow. This is all so big, it touches and changes and tears apart so many women. And yet it's so small, my little life, my little place on this earth- my private relationship with her. I always grew up with this image of her as a teenager, tried to picture who was there to support her through the pregnancy, who wasn't, now I know and I want to hold her even closer. Because I've held onto this vision of her so young and alone I've always felt like that girl stood still in time and I want to mother her. Now I want to look into her eyes and try to give her a good reflection, or just be a woman next to her, sharing a moment in this time.

I guess that's maybe a little bit of what I'll get to do now if all keeps going well? Like Irish Eyes and her momma!!! How incredible is that? I am so overjoyed for you and your mom. I really like that she said she'd have been ready to take you back at 16- could you imgaine that? The changing shoes in the middle of day- I can picture it- it makes me smile and giggle in delight.

[rilo kiley]

Hello everyone! I just have to write it. I got my first letter from my first father on Thursday. He told me his story. How he wanted to raise me on his own- he asked his brother, mother, his church. Finally his minister convinced him putting me in Foster Care until he was able to support me wasn't fair to me. He said it tore him apart to sign the papers. Everyday he has prayed for me and thought about me. He married a woman with 2 little girls of her own and adopted them. A very strained relationship with both of them- but "all the children call me grandpa" which he was very happy about. I'm his only biological child.

I quickly wrote him back and included a father's day note. I sent it overnight on Friday so that he'd hopefully get it in time for Father's Day. This afternoon- Monday- I got a delivery. A small round vase full of roses, with 4 inch stems, blosoming out over it. The card said- "Thinking of you. Love, A."

His letter was heartbreaking. Full of emotion and guilt. He said at one point he was crying and so thankful to be able to share this all with me. I was stunned. I had never imagined he wanted to raise me so much. My face is flushed and my heart has a blurry feeling all around it. I am so blessed and shocked and nervous and happy about all of this. I hope I can be intune with what they both need and want from me- and intune with my feelings and needs as well. I wish there was a recipe to make this all be successful.

I usually let things happen as they need to, and this renuion so far couldn't have gone better. I just need to keep letting them all unwind at their own time I guess. Thank you for letting me share these days with you. I want to be a "good daughter" to them both, I know that sounds strange- like how I've wanted to be for my afamily all these years as well, but at the beginning of any new relationship I guess we all want to show our best side and not be rejected- let who we really are shine through and hopefully all will be well.