[cprsmths]

I am new here. I really need some advice from people who have been thru this. I gave up my daughter almost nineteen years ago in a semi-open adoption. I have always known where she was, but have not made any contact so that she could have a "normal" life. A few months ago, I contacted the amom to let her know that I was interested in meeting my bdaughter. She put me off - it is her senior year of high school, she has a lot on her plate right now, yadda, yadda, yadda. I plan on being at her graduation next week, incognito. I would really like to meet her before she goes off to college and since the amom isn't being very helpful or receptive, should I try to work with the amom, or because my daughter is legally an adult, should I just contact her with a letter to let her know my interest, even though it would feel like I am going behind amom's back without her "permission"?

[maryjanek]

I reunited with my son at an older age -- 29 -- but in response to a question someone else asked him, he said he didn't think he would have been any more or less prepared to hear from me 10 years earlier or 10 years later. It IS an awkward position when the amom puts you off, but if it was a semi-open adoption I certainly think you have a right to write your bdaughter a letter now that she's 18. Even if she's not ready to meet you, knowing you're thinking of her has to make her feel more loved.

That's my opinion, anyway.

Mary Jane
Birthmother in reunion 7 years

[bridgetkoc]

well, i can give you some advice from your bdaughters point of view.


i am a senior in highschool now, and my graduation is also next week.

i would love nothing more than to be able to meet my birthmother!

in contacting my birthmom my amom basically told me that everything was up to me (but she did ask what i talked to her about etc.)

i would much rather receive a direct letter from my birthmother than hearing it from my adoptivemother.

my amom and bmom met a few times and talked many times. the information my amom kept from me, and decided to give me a few months ago, made it really hurt. i really don't trust her with my bmom because she waited to long and made me wonder all these years.

i'd write the letter to your daughter, if i were you, but remember that everyone is different. she could have polar opposite feelings than i.

good luck!


and trust me,

even though it is senior year and things can be busy and stressful (but really they arent for me),


they're never too busy for your birthmom.

[cprsmths]

Thank-you sooooo much Bridget. You sound like a beautiful young woman. I really appreciate your advice, and I'm going to take it. I am sending her that letter this week!!!!!!!!!

[LizzieM]

cprsmths-- I am sending good thoughts your way. I would have loved it if my birthmother had contacted me and made it to my graduation. Good luck!

[cprsmths]

I'd like to ask your advice then -- I have decided that I'm going to write her a letter and mail it the day after graduation. (Not enough time now to do it before.) Do I tell her in the letter that I was there at her graduation, or not, because she might be mad that she didn't know that I was there? (Like spying on her)?

Thanks for your good thoughts!!!!!

[LizzieM]

cprsmths -- I am hesitant to give you advice, only because I don't know your birthdaughter, and the way I feel may not be the way she feels. Just by reading all the posts on these boards, it is very clear that there are a million different ways one reunion can go. I don't want to lead you in the wrong direction.

That said, personally, if I were in your daughter's situation, I would like to know that you were at my graduation. I don't think it would necessarily be seen as spying. If you explain the situation and your intentions behind going, I think she would understand. Personally, I wouldn't be mad at my birthmother for coming and not knowing she was there, I would be more sad than anything that I didn't get to meet her.

I am guessing that her graduation is this weekend, based on the timeline of sending the letter. Do you have any other way of contacting her? Can you call her? I don't know if you would even want to, but that would be a way of letting her know before her graduation that you would like to be there.

Again, this is all speculation based on my personal feelings. I think I can relate a little to what you are going through. I am not in reunion but in the process of searching for my birthparents, and it is very scary being the one putting yourself out there. I hope this has been helpful in some way. I am wishing you the best!

[cprsmths]

Thank-you Lizzie. You are right -- it is very scary putting yourself out there. Good luck to you. My thoughts are with you.

[LizzieM]

Thank you. I appreciate that! Keep us posted on the letter to your daughter and how it goes over. Good luck!

[Sniffles]

IMO as an adoptee, I would like to of had my b-mom contact me. My a-parents are very supportive of me in my search. In fact, I was at their house when I first made the phone call to my b-grandparents. Even though they support me, I would rather prefer that my b-mom contact me instead of my a-parents. I guess for me it is just a personal issue.

[susiesgirl]

as an adoptee, i would welcome a letter... i would have LOVED for my bmomma to have been able to go to my graduation. Let your daughter know that you were there for her special day. you wont regret it!my bmomma missed out on EVERTHING that i did and it makes me sad and mad at the same time.

[kjs_nvca]

Thank you for this post. I have a daughter that turned 18 on May 1 and have not received any information regarding her whereabouts. I can't even send a letter. I have a journal of all my thoughts and feelings as well as cards for her birthdays over the past 18 years...I'm certain she is graduating this year and feel sad that I won't see her walk the stage. I can only hope she would want me there too!

[cprsmths]

Quick update. I attended her graduation on Thursday. I left after she received her diploma. The whole experience was very surreal. But I'm glad that I can say that I was there. On Saturday, I sent her letter. Now, all I can do is wait......

[lilly123]

i am so glad that you got all of this positive feedback from adopted children!!!!!! you are in my thoughts and prayers, i am glad you went to her graduation!!! hey, remember, a letter paid off for me!!!!



XOXOXOXOXO
Lilly

[L@@king2]

just reading this thread from all you adoptees... I've been thinking of sending my letter to Dept of Children's services to be put into her file; but now I'm thinking... should I mail it to her directly?? I do have an address. She is 37 years old now... but I don't know if her aparents TOLD her she was adopted...

sorry to butt into your thread, cprsmith to ask my question - but since I saw a few adoptees reading and posting here - I figured I might be able to get a TRUE answer from them!!

??
TIA!