[RSargeant]

Hello All,
I'm just in need of some advice of how to develope a relationship with my birthmother and my brothers and sisters. I finally made contact in July of 2005. We talk every once in awhile...I would love to talk all of the time because I want to have a relationshiop with them so badly. I am usually the one who calls, my mom has a hard time calling me because of fear issues I think. Im not sure. I used to be hurt by that, but I try not to anymore. Evidently my adoption was a difficult thing for her at the age of 16. But she has always let her family and her children know about me, which lets me know that I am a good thing that she is not ashamed of. I guess my question is: How do I go about getting to know them when I feel like the active pursuit is so one sided? I refuse to let myself think that she doesnt want a relationship with me because she has told me so many wonderful things and written me a couple of wonderful letters. EVen her children have written to me about how much she loves me. But its so hard to remember that when I get off the phone and then dont hear from her again until I call and get ahold of her next. Theres alot going on in thier lives right now anyways, so I know thats a factor. I just want to understand better maybe what shes going through...so that I can continue to be honest with my hopes for us and continue to pursue that without pushing her away. I love and respect her and her family so much I just dont want to do that. Ive never been with my Mom but I miss her. Please post any advice you may have. Thanks everyone!

~Rachel

[Mommy24]

Hi Rachel, Have you told her that you wished she would call more often? I say that because as a Bmom myself I think I would feel like I didnt want to appear "needy" Know what I mean? I have read many stories from adoptees referring to feeling "smothered by Bmom", I think we are so worried about your feelings as adoptees that we tend to let you take the lead, right or wrong I have a feeling that may be what is going on. Just let her know how much you want her to reach out to you maybe at the end of the next phone call say something like " It was nice talking with you, please feel free to call me anytime, I love talking with you" something like that , you get the jist of it Good luck, I cant wait for the day my bson wants to talk to me

[mamabee]

First of all, congratulations! It sounds like if you take it slow you all will have a wonderful relationship. Please understand no one here is doing anything wrong, especially you. However, speaking as a bMom please understand that so many emotions come to play with reunion. I know I felt I didn't deserve anything from daughter...that I should be blessed with whatever I received, if anything. She may be having to deal with her own emotions of relinqishment. It is odd, but some Mothers including myself, had regressed emotions until the reunion then out they all came. I am sure if you have done any reading at all on these forums you can read about so many uncertainties. She may have so many fears and feel that you will disappear; so she may be protecting herself. If I were you, I would persuade her to come to this website and read and possibly post. I know the biggest emotion I suffered at the beginning was the question of who I was now....I mean, you are her bDaughter but is she your Mom now too...along with your other Momma? You wouldn't believe the thoughts that go through our minds. Just keep her talking and please don't give up...it really sounds good...be patient and give her the time she needs to digest this reality. I hope I have said something that helps!!!

[eastendmommy]

Dear Rachel, I have to say that I agree with the previous responses here... some birthmothers have not dealt with the 'issues' that resulted in our children being placed for adoption all those years ago... When contact is made - often out of the blue - there are emotions that come flooding to the surface. Even if we think we've dealt with all of this in the past, it still comes crashing back up...

Mamabee is right...we are afraid of smothering you, or being perceived as needy... My heart feels like I have 25 years of hugs and kisses to catch up on, but if I did that, he would run screaming for the hills... so we tread lightly and try and take our cues from you.

Let her know what you have said to us here. That you would like for her to take the initiative once in awhile and reach out to you. All we have is honesty when we come into this thing called reunion. That is the cornerstone in the relationship. Each person should be completely honest about where they are coming from... She might be sitting on her end, worrying about 'intruding' on your life, not wanting to be a bother. We know that we are not your "Mother", that title belongs to another. We don't know what we are to you yet... We are painfully aware that another woman dried your tears, met your first boyfriend, and got you through your Senior Prom in one piece. Sometimes, that's an awful lot for us to deal with, and we don't want to push you away.

Continue to take it slowly...it will be best in the long run. But you need to find a gentle way of letting her know that you would like a little reciprocation on her part! That would be music to my ears if my son said that to me! Good luck, lots of hugs, Tammi

[Montraviatommyg]

Rachel, I have followed your story so good to see you posting again. It can be hard on original mothers in reunion as we have to relive through so much and depending on the circumstances depends on how painful it is. I know from my own experience that it was hard to open up and to make the first move. It wasn't that I didn't want to but the times I would make the first move it was 50/50 that it would be appreciated.

Pip

[RSargeant]

To all the Moms who replied,
Thanks so much. It really did help to just get confirmation that she is going through so many emotions right now, not to mention I already know that she has alot going on with her three kids and grandchild who are still living at home! I realize all of these things, but it is so easy to get discouraged. I do realize how hard it must be for her to know "the place" that she holds in my life. Little does she know she holds the same size of spot that my mom holds...its just as important and has just as much love...its just different. I do think I may suggest her coming on here and reading al ittle. Although I dont know if she has a computer. I have told her every time I get off the phone with her...Please call me whenever you want to, it would make my day, I love to talk with you...etc. Still no call. Its ok. I realize its scary. Cause I get scared everytime I call! Anyways, I will keep you call posted. I am going to call her right now and try to see about planning our first meeting! Thanks for the care. I wish the best for all of you in your searches/contact.

~Rachel

P.S. PIP good to hear from you again. Thanks for caring.

[dixiebaby65]

Hello I Am A Birth Mother I Just Found My Daughter That Was Put Up For Adoption. It Was Hard For Me Not To Call Her But I Had To Realize That There Is A Family Where She Is That Might Not Agree With All This. Your Bmom Might Be Thingking Of How Your Afamily Will Treat You And That You May Choose Them Over Her And Then The Pain Will Be There All Over Again. I Only Hope That Everything Will Turn Out For The Best Cause God Gave Me My Litttle Girl Back Again. I Dont Want No Pain For Her So Just Hold In There. You Might Have To Take Matters In Your Own Hands And Just Show Up On Her Doorstep Good Luck

[marimari]

As a b-mom, I agree with the other posts..it is so hard to pick up that phone and not want to intrude in anyway at all.
You do have another family and we don't want to step on toes, especially yours! We want no one hurt and we don't want that for ourselves either. So we wait and hope and pray that you'll call us..then we know that you are ready to chat or whatever. We, on the other hand, will most likely always be willing and ready to talk with you....we have waited many years for this to happen, having thought it never would.
Have you xconsidered setting up a time to call..like asking her, would she like to call you on sundays after 3 or whatever and you can call her whatever day..just to encourage her and let her know that it's ok?
We seem, as b-moms, to need a lot of OK's in all of this, reinforcement that you really do want us involved in some way. It's unbelievable to us, you know? We never really thought we'd ever see you again, much less be invited to call you....It's a gift..you are a gift, but we are not sure if it's for real yet....And as mentioned, she may have a lot of stuff going thru her heart and head right now.
We do appreciate that it's hard for you "kids" to call as well, but on your terms seem to work better somehow. There are many times I'd love to pick up the phone and just say hi...but I don't dare. Let her know, as you have been doing. I liked that you said that she has a spot in your heart like your a-mom..that was cool. they are both lucky ladies to have you!

[kune]

Hiya Rachel
I saw you on another thread and left a message. Good to see you back. Does this mean that things have moved along quite nicely since we last swapped e-mails. Would love an update. PM me if you want.

re - your post above. I too think that sometimes we birthmothers are so entrenched in "taking things slowly and letting the adoptee set the pace" that we are perceived as stalled, or certainly not keen on taking the initiative to make this reunion work. I was there too....and I've also been guilty of waiting for a call rather than ringing or writing just for the sheer joy of hearing my son's voice or finding out what he is up to.. Now, if I feel like it....I do it. It's easier on the heart, and just taking that one step out of my comfort zone has been great. I'd recommend it to any birthmother.

The other thing that stopped me (and others on the forums) from contacting was the thought that bchildren had such busy lives as young people, and they didn't have time for a bmom's chatter or even the call. Bson told me to ring when ever I felt like it and I took him at his word. And if you are not sure........ask. It's one way of working out what will work for both of you. Some wise person said Fear of Thought is always worse than Fear of Fact We stress and convince ourselves that we are not doing it right - we are not good enough, or the other person doesn't care. When......in fact.....we have no facts to base that on. If we want the truth, we need to ask the question.

Rachel, glad that you have had letters from your bsiblings, and that you were always loved throughout the years. That doesn't surprise me at all - I would have been surprised if any bmother forgot or didn't love the child they relinquished. Know that I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you. You are at a great time in your life to see the whole picture, make peace with yourself and your birthfamily, and incorporate it all into a great future.

Ann

[RSargeant]

Such good advice once again from some wonderful ladies. Thanks a bunch. I can definately understand being afraid to lose again if a birthchild were to choose their "family" over their bmom. I know shes been through it once before. But little does she know, that I am at such a good place in my life and am totally prepared and ready and wanting to have her in my life equally so. So once again, Im going to call her again and leave another message letting her know that Im trying to come out to see her. Hopefully I'll get ahold of her soon! I'll let you know. Thanks so much!
~Rachel

[RSargeant]

Hello all!!
My mom called me today! This was the first time that she actually initiated a phone call, so I am super excited. We also talked about me coming out to see her soon and it looks like it will be in the next month or so! I can't wait. She was very encouraging and excited about me coming out and said I could stay as long as I wanted. I will probably only stay a few days the first time. Maybe two or three? What is a good amount of time? I want to spend all summer with her! ha. But of course thats not possible or logical. I just want to catch up. Just thought I would let you all know how things are going.
~Rachel

[eastendmommy]

Hi Rachel!!! That is absolutely wonderful news!!! You were at the end of your rope worrying about your Bmom taking the initiative, and next thing you know - bah-da-bing!!!

That is so cool! I would plan on a couple of days in the beginning...test the waters, see how everything goes...who knows? You may end up staying the summer after all!

Does she live very far from you? I am so glad that she was so encouraging, hon! You really needed that right now!

Happy Easter and let us know how this all pans out. In the meantime, keep posting and getting a feel for what you're about to enter into!!! (They don't call it a roller coaster ride for nothing! Hahaha!)

Hugs, Tammi

[TBooth]

Originally Posted by kune

I was there too....and I've also been guilty of waiting for a call rather than ringing or writing just for the sheer joy of hearing my son's voice or finding out what he is up to.. Now, if I feel like it....I do it. It's easier on the heart, and just taking that one step out of my comfort zone has been great. I'd recommend it to any birthmother.

Ann, could I convince you to recommend it my bmom specifically??

Rachel, I'm glad you heard from your bmom and that you're planning a visit. I suspect no matter how long you're there...it'll be hard to leave.

Mari, what are we to do beyond understanding one another - which is great - but someone has to DO something! Is it that both sides are scared to death or does it always seem that there's one person that wants more or will work harder, etc? I think "on your terms" may have to be the position of the person who wants it to go further or faster...regardless of whether they are the parent or child. Perhaps that's why I find myself relating so much to many bmoms on these forums - I'm trying to accept what it is but wishing it could be more. And always aware that it could go away.

[marimari]

Yes, Tbooth, having that awareness that it could always go away is rather unsettling. I have experienced that with the son I had...
From many posts that I have read, it does appear that one person is more of the giver, like many relationships in our lives. It still sucks, tho, because this isn't like all of our other relationships, is it?
You ask what to do..well, what i did was when he pulled back, due primarily from family presures on his end, was i still dropped emails, e-cards..real cards, etc..i let him know that I was still here. Three long months later, after silence, total silence, on his end, i got a text message to call him if I wanted to talk. It was momentarily tempting to not call..to dish back what I had received, but I did call back and it was as if nothing yucky had happened.
So, in answer, I think nudges are OK..it's not like I was dropping in or calling..no calls from me, that just doesn't happen unless I ave just missed his call or he's asked me to. I do find that prayers helps..it becomes a mantra of sorts and pretty soon I think I have said whatever enough times that I start to believe it.
Appreciating that we are all different, with varied life experiences helps, too...it's not easy...sometimes things seem to flow more smoothly than other times, yet it's still a work in progress..with the hope being "progress".
And yes, i sure would like more...but I am aware more now that it might not ever happen..ouch, huh?

[kune]

TBooth
Reunion is just like any relationship between two people. One is more reticent - one is more fearless ( I think - well it is in my marriage ) But when things stall or when you are wondering if this reunion and all the waiting around will ever satisfy that basic need to connect, I guess you can stay where you are, or push the boundaries a little. I say......Reach out and give a nudge. If it is not well received, you have at least a reaction, and can plan accordingly in the future. I know your reunion is still very new. 4 months? She may be processing, but if she is anything like me, she will do it a lot faster, knowing that you care, and that you came looking for her - your birthmother; not a perfect mother figure. I presume you are ready to accept her warts and all?

IMHO Reunions are all about satisfying needs. I perceive "needs" as MUST HAVE'S and the "wants" are the things that are important, but not important enough to risk anything for. When I get anxious or upset about something I try to categorise it into a need or a want. And if it definitely is a need, then to be true to myself, I need to act on it. So....I need to call....or write.....or ask for ????? Only then can I assess the reaction. (Does it tell you the other needs their privacy - needs time - is never going to be the initiator or is happy to wait for what is given?). All hard and all playing on pretty stretched heartstrings!!!!

Some advise you to have no expectations and I understand why they say this. But I'm someone who isn't happy with half empty - I want more than half full. I want it all, and will try to move heaven and earth to make it possible. So it's impossible for me to have no expectations and from reading your posts, I think we are fairly similar. Do what your gut tells you. As long as you plan with compassion, you won't make hurtful errors. By writing or ringing you are letting her know you want a connection. Isn't that a birthmother's dream?

Ann