[carynquinn8]

I need a little help understanding why my birthfather won't talk to me. I am 39 years old and found my entire birth family in January of 2003. All has went well with my mom's side of the family as well as my two siblings that I was happy to learn I had, but my birthfather ,who is single, never been married and never had any other children besides me, won't even give me the time of day. He dated my birthmother for 15 years after i was born, which seems strange in itself.

I have had difficulty with depression because his rejection of me has been hardcore. I just don't understand why a 65 year old man who has no family, would reject the only family he has in the world to the point of running and hiding from me. Does anyone have any advice or maybe some insight on why he wants nothing to do with me? I just can't understand it, and he won't give me an explaination.

[Cheryl62]

I am so sorry that this happened. I am a 42 year old adoptee who only recently found her birthmother, but who hasn't been able to ask her yet about my birthfather. So, I am not speaking from any personal experience here, just trying to pass along some of what I have learned from looking into myself, and from some of the amazing people on this forum.

I don't have any great words of wisdom to explain his actions. Does your b-mom have any idea?

One thing that is important to remember is that it is NOT YOU that is being rejected. He doesn't even KNOW you. This is all about him, and his issues. And without knowing him, you really can't begin to understand what those issues are. Whatever they are, they seem to run deep, and may make the idea of acknowledging he has a child too difficult for him to face. It still can hurt - but it hurts less if you can believe that it has absolutely ZIPPO to do with you -- it is 100% him. And, it may change... I hope it will....

Lots of other adoptees here have had this happen to them... I hope some of them will chime in here and give you more experienced advice!

((((HUGS))))

Cheryl

[carynquinn8]

Thaks for your quick reply.......I know it's not about me, but I can't help but feel that way since there is no reason he can't talk to me, like family and other children. I could see if he had a family why he would be afraid to, but he has none. I did finally walk in the bar where he worked one night, and just sat and watched him. I wanted to give him a big hug and say hello.....but i couldn't. After 2 hours, I slid up to the bar and asked if i could speak to him in private.......he responded by saying that he knew who I was.......and he didn't understand why I was doing this. I told him he didn't need to understand why........he promised he would write me with my family history, and of course he has done nothing. I have recently written him a letter, and still no response.
I don't know why I had such a strong urge to go see him, but I felt lucky knowing where and when he would be at a specific place, so took advantage. My mother does not understand his actions, but then again, putting me up for adoption was his idea. He was 28 when i was born, so being too young was not the reason. Looking at my own personality has helped a little. I have some of his paranoya problems, but not to his extent. Any advice on what to do next? Or if there is any point in trying? All I know is i am tired of crying all the time........I just can't do this anymore.......

[Cheryl62]

((((Caryn)))):

You sound in a lot of pain. The reaction you got from your birthfather is what so many contacting birthfamily members fear (well, after fearing that the one we were searching for has passed away, I suppose). And, it happens -- it happens A LOT, actually. I'm hoping some other folks will be willing to share their stories with you, and help you find peace with this.

There is a pretty big silver lining in this cloud, right??? You have found your birth-mother, and lots of half-siblings. Many adoptees are rejected by their birthmoms, and don't get to learn about siblings, birthfather, anything. There IS a bright side - it just doesn't feel like it now.

I know it's not about me, but I can't help but feel that way since there is no reason he can't talk to me,

There could be sooo many reasons beyond fear of telling OTHERS... starting with fear of telling HIMSELF. Perhaps he has always felt guilt. Perhaps he felt he pressured your birth-mom. Perhaps this was a major issue in their relationship. Perhaps the only way he has dealt with this over the years is by pretending it never happened. Perhaps he's had a rotten life, and feels everyone tries to take advantage of him, and he thinks you may want something from him, because he simply can't accept love. Perhaps he's afraid of what you will think of him once you get to know what he thinks he's really like. So many possibilities. But none about you. How could they be?

Without knowing him, I'm seeing him already as possibly being a very unhappy and lonely person.....perhaps if you could see him that way, it would give YOU some power and some strength, and you could find it easier to accept this, even without understanding.

And, it may change --- we'll all keep our fingers crossed....

In the meantime, vent away, get good advice, breathe, and know we're all here for you....


((((((MORE HUGS)))))))

Cheryl

[carynquinn8]

I'm trying......I thought this would fade with some time, but it hasn't. It has just gotten worse. It's just hard to think that I came from someone so selfish and coldhearted. I did however find his entire family. So I have met my Aunt and my cousines. They don't understand his actions either. I guess we imagine and we hope for something for so many years, that when it finally comes to light, it's hard to let go of the hope......Although I know i am one of the lucky few to have made it this far, I still have this void. I am developing great relationships with my mothers family. Even my 94 year old grandmother is an absolute doll. I have gotten many old old pictures from her of my great great grand parents, and my great grandparents and family. I couldn't be happier about that side of the family..... I guess the most important thing for me is to at least have him aknowledge me and my existance. He calls me his "Mess up".......and I think thats what hurts me the most. I never dreamed my own father would be ashamed of me.

Thank you so much for your support and advice.......

[Cheryl62]

I never dreamed my own father would be ashamed of me.

Caryn -- it sounds more like he's ashamed of himself.... of his actions. of his thoughts. of his inadequacies.... of HIM. Not of you... You have developed a great relationship with EVERYONE else! Even their parents and other family members (how cool is that!) How could it be YOU? It's gotta be HIM!

Right?

I hope time will help - and in the meantime, when you catch yourself in those thoughts - try repeating the above a few times... We CAN retrain ourselves to see what IS, rather than what our hearts are afraid it is....

Hang in there !!

[carynquinn8]

I will do my best to use your advice. It's just hard when so many things are unanswered. We all invision a happy ending.......we think we are ready for whatever comes of our search......I thought I was ready for anything, but I was wrong. That is one piece of advice i give to others searching.......Make sure you are ready for what you find..........

Thanks again.......Caryn

[RiverGal]

Caryn ~ I'm so sorry that your contact with your biodad has turned out to be so disappointing. Cheryl has brought up some excellent points...especially these two: 1) He is not rejecting you, rather he is rejecting the idea that he has a child; and 2) It is not you he is ashamed of, but himself.

You wrote that he has never been married nor had any other children. At his age, that says plenty. This man may well have attachment/commitment issues. I'm no psychologist, but it seems evident that he avoids relationships with any semblance of commitment, and perhaps he views you (or the concept of you) as a threat to his comfortable reality. Of course I don't know this guy, but this is a stab in the dark.

If he doesn't want the honor of knowing you, just try to be content with those members you have located that ARE getting to know you. You've done fine in all the years you were without him, and there are others who have welcomed you, so concentrate your affections where they will be reciprocated.

Congratulations on a successful reunion with the rest of the birthfamily!

~D

[carynquinn8]

Thank you so much for your advice. And you are right.......he does have committment problems. The one thing he said to me was that he was a raging alcoholic, which was supposed to explain everything else for me I suppose. I just have a hard time with the fact that he would treat any stranger in that bar better than he would his own daughter. It just eats me up. All I asked for was 30 minutes of his time to give me my health history and he couldn't even do that for me. Although he paid my tab at the bar the night I was there. Go figure? He also told me he wasn't totally heartless.......that sentance has haunted me every day for the past year. In his mind, he basically has no heart for any human being at all. It makes me sad.......for him and for me. I offered him something that was so good.......and he's running.

[RiverGal]

I offered him something that was so good.......and he's running.

Honey, it sounds like that is something he has been doing for a long, long time. Maybe you should send him a pair of Nike running shoes...hehe...that would say it all! (Just kidding...I think)

Don't let his actions deter you form who you are. It is HIS loss not to have you in his life, but he has spent a lifetime keeping himself free of ALL ties. Some folks' prison is walking through life alone...and it is often self-impossed.

His choice does NOT define who you are...no more than my birthdaughter's rejection of me defines who I am. We can't make anyone love or accept us, no matter how much we'd like to. I wish things could have worked out differently for you, but all in all, it sounds like there has been more acceptance than rejection form everyone else. So, in spite of him, you are blessed!

(((HUGS)))

~D

[carynquinn8]

I am so sorry that your daughter rejected you. I'm sure that is something you had a tough time with, so you know what I'm feeling. You are right in all that you say about him, but it still is hard for me to get over. I guess when you are a giving person and love everyone, it's hard to imagine why other people can be so selfish and cold.

Hugs to you......Caryn

[snuffie]

Sweetie
I just read your posts and can really feel your pain coming through in each and every line. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could change people and situations to fit what we had hoped for?

The man whom I believe is my bdad doesn't believe he is so I have not been "rejected" by him I guess. But I too had dreams of really having a relationship with him.

I totally agree with the other posters. He is not rejecting you.
I think that is the biggest thing we need to understand. In order to reject someone we have to know them and neither of our bdads really know us.

One thing that stuck out in your post is that he told you he is a raging alcoholic. I have a brother-in=law, a birth brother and and adopted brother with this problem. My abrother is so into alcohol he never called our parents even once when he knew they didn't have long to live. My brother-in-law never came to his own mother's funeral because of his problems.
Alcohol does many horrible things to people. It changes personalities so that in some cases people become unrecognizable to people who have known them all of their lives.
It actually changes brain chemistry and competely takes over some people's lives to the point that they cannot think of anyone else except themselves and where their next drink is coming from.
It is very, very sad.

I know it is difficult but maybe if you can concentrate on the gift of reuniting with your bmom and all of the joy that has brought it may be easier to deal with the other issues better.

Best wishes
Snuffie

[clion]

Caryn,
I am hearing so much pain in your posts...so much pain you are having and I think your birthfather is deeply in pain. I know this sound odd to you, but I see a man who hates himself and feels no selfworth at all. I'm not sure he IS totally heartless to you. He did communicate with you at his work, he didn't have to do this. He paid your tab, he wan't obligated to do this, he tried to warn you that he was a raging drunk...why? Maybecause he doesn't want you to be hurt by all the anger and selfloathing that has eaten at him for many years.
One thing I find interesting is that he continued to date your birthmother for 15 years after you were born. You may never know why he wanted you given up for adoption and in a way that may be for the best. He may feel unworthy of anyone reaching out to him. If we had a crystal ball we could see what is going on inside his head and his heart. But we live in a real world and we can't do that. You say that you have contact with some of his family, might I suggest that you might go to them to get some family medical history and maybe they will share some memories of his growing up and what knid of person he was when he was younger. This might give you a sense of your heritage.
Please understand I am not condoning his attitude and actions toward you and the situation. I have learned over the years that often we are quick to make decisions about others based on surface facts. Often times other factors are so deep and so hidden that others may never know what the real story is.
I would suggest that you try to remember some of the positives that have occured with him...he didn't deny you, rather he acknowledged to you that he knew who you were, he didn't refuse to speak to you, but rather he did in his own way try to reach out...and that may be the only reaching out he is capable of doing He just feel totally unworth of having relationships.
I guess what I am trying to say is I wish you could try to find some peace in the positive things that did occur with him. Like the others have siad, this is not about you, but about him and his issues. I know it hurts and I know that we as adoptees often wish that everything would turn out happy and welcoming andd good. But again, we live in the real world and these things are a part of Life. Maybe some time down the road things will change with him , but don't pin your hopes on it. Only you can decide how far you want to go in this relationship. But you have seen him and talked with him, and this is something that a lot of us will never have either because our birthfather was deceased before we found out who they were ( as is in my case) or because we never found them at all.

[ChristiBender]

Caryn
HI. I am an adult adoptee. So, I understand the adoptee part of you. I am also about your age... except I had to swallow the big "40" this year. GULP!!!

I was raised by an alcoholic father. I understand that mentality.

As everyone here has stated - so I won't again - it isn't you... it is him. You really need to think about that. You need to FEEL it. You need to GRASP those words.

You also need to get your brain in line with reality. What I mean is you have been attached to the idea, the wish, the dream, the desire, the hope that your birthfather would want and need and desire a relationship with you. That has been your reality.

Well, sometimes reality bites! Sorry that sounds harsh.. but sometimes that is the way it is. He might want a relationship with you, he might desire it. You can't know whether he does or not. All you know is that he is not WILLING to engage in that at this time. That is the reality of the situation. And there is nothing you can do to change what he is and what he is not willing to do. You might as well go and pound sand.

Alcoholics - and anyone with a strong addiction like that - can't relate like "normal" people. They are driven to their addiction to the EXCLUSION of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE else. That is why he was o.k. buying you a drink.... you were sharing the drinking. Take that away and he has nothing left. He is consumed by his drinking. He gets up to drink. He spends his time drinking. He spends his money drinking. It is his social life. It is his hobby. When he is not doing it he wishes he was doing it. IT is his life. IT is everything to him. IT controls him. And, HEAR ME NOW.... you cannot save him. Do not try. Do not go there. Do not get stuck in that cycle.

It seems that you have a relationship with his other family members. They can give you the medical history for that side of your "bloodline". They can answer questions for you about interests and talents and hobbies and everything else. Don't lock them out...don't let his inability to function outside of a bar poison your relationships with your other family members.

Alcoholism is a horrible disease. For the person drinking and for everyone around him/her. Even from a distance it will be hard for you to understand - maybe impossible. It took me the better part of 25 years to get a handle on it. My advice to you is a result of the struggles I had over those decades.

Love your family... all of it. Even him. Just don't EXPECT him to be able to show you love in return. It is your expectation that is hurting you. It is within your power to CHANGE that expectation.

Be the strong woman you are.... maintain control of your life - and your reunion by facing the real facts of what he is and is not capable of doing at this time.

Good luck.... keep reading.. keep posting. There is MUCH love and support to be had here on the forum.

BIG HUGS... and congrats on your successful search.... and the MANY MANY parts of your reunion that are going so well!!!

[carynquinn8]

That was very well said........and i appreciate it very much. I know i need to let him go.......and I'm trying, but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. You are right.....we all wish for, and hope for things to go like we hope they will. I thought I was ready for anything......but I was wrong. The hardest part is he has the ideal situation to at least talk to me from time to time having no family, wife, kids etc......yet he still hides. I know in time it will get better. I just am having trouble letting go of all those hopes.....I never expected him to be my dad.......just to talk to me from time to time and not make me feel like his "mess up". He told that to a cousin who passed the comment onto me. Those two words hurt me a lot.......they are hard to accept. Should anymore attempts be made to have contact? Or should I just let him go?