[pink2378]

I am sort of half-adopted. My mom had me and kept me when she was 18. My bfather never had any interaction or involvement in my life from day 1. She met the man that would adopt me when I was one and a half years old They married when I was 4. I was adopted by him shortly thereafter. I am now 26 and made contact with my bfather this week.

I was never very curious about him growing up. I had a family that loved me and I was fairly secure in that. But lately I have been feeling like it was time I knew more about that side of me. So with my family's blessing I tracked down his info and wrote him. He wrote back super fast. Now, I am totally wigged out inside. I was just wanting more information about who he was, do I look like him etc. The letter I sent him was more factual than anything (telling him a little about who I am, what I like, etc) and I was expecting a similar letter back from him. However his letter was full of emotion, how he had always worried about me, thought about me, expressing resentment toward my Mom (who I adore), he told me he loved me (which really freaked me out for some reason) and now I feel like I don't want any further contact with him. But I also feel like I owe him a relationship now.

Am I feeling normally? All the other posts seem to talk about how happy and euphoric the feel after contacting a bparent. But I am stressed out, sick inside, and sad.

Help!

[aussie]

Hi there,

I think it's totally normal to feel the way you do. Interest in biological family is perfectly natural, however, relationships are more than just interest. Your b-father has known about you and consented to your adoption. He obviously had his reasons at the time and has thought about it a lot since.
To you, however, he is a stranger, and to have a stranger tell you he loves you when he doesn't even know you is freaky. My b-father does the same thing to the point that it makes me quite angry.
At the end of the day you don't owe him a relationship, but you do owe him courtesy and a bit of understanding of what you may have started for him emotionally.
Take it slowly and good luck!

[ChristiBender]

Pink... I am in recent reunion with both my bparents. I just found your post today and I am wondering what is happening with you and your Bdad.

I know that these reunions can be very stressful - and everyone handles stress differently. If you want someone to talk to please feel free to respond to this thread or PM me.....

I hope things have calmed down a little and you are getting to know your bdad in a way that is comfortable for both of you.

Christi

[lunargirl]

hope things worked out for you, pink...

do you think it's possible that his emotional letter stirred up emotions you didn't realize you had? no matter how well adjusted you are, you had to have wondered about him sometimes, and what kind of people you come from...

it's also possible that his letter suddenly made him into a real person for you, and that's a shock -- fantasies are so much easier and cleaner to handle. in your fantasies, you're in control, and maybe all these years, to you he was just this sperm donor who left your mother pregnant, when suddenly he becomes this grieving father who's been thinking of _you_ all these years! holy guilt milkshake, batman!

anyway, i hope by the time you get this you'll have met this guy who is your bfather, or at least talked to him on the phone, because via these means you can finally begin treating each other like people, not images -- if you put yourself in his shoes, he's also had a fantasy about _you_ all these years, too, so you're really in more similar positions than you might have thought initially -- but once you meet you can begin relating more normally, and eventually see if you want some kind of relationship.

besides, most first letters are very intense, as the person writing may feel it's their only shot to say everything they feel.

good luck to you!

[Purduegrad]

Hi. I know where you are coming from. When I first wrote to my birth parents I was just looking for facts. My birth dad called me three days after I sent the letter and was really emotional. He wanted me to call him "Dad" which I wasn't ready for and told me that it was my birthmom's decision to give me up and he had tried to get me back.
Our reunion was nothing like you see on TV with all of the hugging and kissing. We both just stood and looked at each other.
He was really interested in having a relationship with me in the beginning, but now, due to his childrens' influence, I get the impression he would be happy if I just stayed out of his life.

Good luck!

Ann