[Katrina Ann E]

How should I approacher her?

I have researched and found a member of my birthmother's family. She has so far refused contact with me and continues to deny maternity. The family member I found still lives at the address she listed on my birth certificate. It also list her name and the place of her birth.

I occasionally contact her stepbrother to let him know that the line of communication to me is still open. I recently found out that she lost her husband and I am hoping now that if his finding out about me was a hindrance that maybe she will reconsider and at least give me the name of my birthfather so I can try to contact him or his family.

I have tried to arrange a conference call with her but I don't know if she has accepted the invitation yet. Since my birthfather was not listed on the birth certificate and the non identifying information is too general to begin an online search, She, Leona, holds the key to the answers I need.

I avoided watching the Antwone Fisher story for many reason, but when I finally saw it, especially the ending when he located his birthfather's family, I could not help but be moved with the hope that maybe these people in my life would be at lease 50% as receptive. At this time I want information. I need to know who I look like, if the things I like are similar to at least one of my birth parents. I would like to know if I have any siblings? There is an emptiness to living with the though of not being genetically linked to someone you know. It is hard to explain this to those who have not experiences or who do not know the feelings associated with being placed for adoption early in life.

I have not idea who cared for me in the first two years. But I do show some of the classic symptoms of a person who was not properly nurtured early in life. I know there are others out there who share my feelings. I could use the support.

If there is anyone who currently lives in Cleveland, Ohio and can help by identifying the high school in the area Leona lived in, or finding a year book to see if there is any indication who she dated in HS or any old friends I might be able to contact, this would help.

The information I have states that they dated each other in the last two years of high school and graduated in January 1954. He also worked in the kitchen of a hospital in Cleveland before and after graduation. He liked movies and so do I, he liked to sing, so do I, roller skate, so do I and it also noted that he was quite social and like by most people... so am I.

[radiodoll]

Had the same reaction to the Antoine Fisher story.

My birthmother has refused and contact or conversation. She used the excuse that her husband (who is NOT my birthfather) made her promise never to speak of it again when he married her.

Great. Mother found. Mother has no brain. Just my luck.

I know that Helen has 2 OTHER daughters and an assortment of grandchildren. She wouldn't tell me anything. I have confirmed that birthefather is dead - but has 2 sons. I don't know his name.

I have HER name but no state or anything. And her name is Helen Brown, so the searching is becoming more than ridiculous.

I would try to persue some sort of contact if I were you, although I realize it's hard. Once you actually contact her, then be wise and so slowly without expectations. I am sure she's already overwhelmed. Good Luck to you.

Radiodoll

[CajunMom]

My BMom has ALWAYS know where I was and how I was doing. I found this all out at 16. I have attempted to make contact with her and she always brushes me off! We have talked and she hasever openly acknowledged maternity and we have never had a Mother daughter dialog. I don't vare anymore. I just chose to no longer acknowledge her!

[vicrose]

I have come to find that a lot of birthmother's from the 50's and 60's era such as mine was...I was born in "66...have a problem with contact...it's so funny, because at first I thought I was the only adoptee whose birthmother just could not have any contact...she has even gone as far as telling her family to stay away from me...in any case, it really hurt a lot at first...but, I have just had to let it go...it's really her loss...and with or without her help...I will still search for my other half of the family...my birthfather's side.....I have to have hope that my birthfather's side will be open to contact...because I have waited my lifetime just to see someone from my birthfamily acknowledge me for me. Hugs, Brenda

[Alicairene4]

I just found my birthmother 2 weeks ago. I am trying really hard to understand her feelings. She has not yet contacted my since i wrote her a week and a half ago. I know it must have come as a shock since she is not searching. I guess I always thought that I would be in control of the situation,but now she is. It is kind of difficult to realize that the dreams that I had of her pining away for me are not really a reality. On the other hand I have to remember how grateful I am for her choice. I want her to see me so that she can see that a seemingly bad situation turned out to be exactly what God had for me. I have a fantastic life. Unfortunately not all adoptees can say that with honesty ,but regardless of the reason we can never know how differant we would have turned out if we had stayed in the tense situation. The only real solice is to remember God has a plan for everyone and good or bad it only matters if you make somthing positive out of something difficult. Relax. Breathe. and be positive. This hurt or frustration cannot last forever if you do not let it.
Don't misunderstand I would love to hound her until she finally looks at me--but i I want her to love me and be proud not loathe my name. I am going to continue searching for my father. I have no idea what his name is or his birthdate or even where he lives---Maybe someday I will.

[RiverGal]

Wow...I am sorry that some of you are not getting the answers you had hoped for. I'm a birthmom, and my story is much the sam, only in reversed roles. I found my birthdaughter, but she seems to be uninterested in obtaining her medical records and/or heritage.

Don't give up. Like Vicrose says, many birthfamlies from the "closed" era have problems with contact. We were told to "put the feelings away," never talk about the adoption, and hide it in the pantry with the liquor. Very sad. I was one of the moms who never listened.

Keep in mind that is NOT the child we were ashamed of, rather OURSELVES. Birthmothers were viewed as "bad girls." Many of us were made to feel responsible for tarnishing the "good" family name.

My thought is that letters are often the most effective way to communicate. Letters don't put the instant pressure on anyone to answer at the moment. Often feelings are so jumbled we need a little time to assimilate...letters lend that time.

For those searching, don't give up. For those rejected, I feel your disappointment, but remember that it has nothing to do with you as a person, but a bad, ugly set of archaic systematic beliefs.

(((HUGS)))

~Deb

[Alicairene4]

What a great reply. I was hoping to get a mothers point of view. I often feel guilt for searching. I know that at the time I was considered the problem and now after almost 29 years here I am again stirring things up. AGAIN. I also feel like letters are the less obtrisive way to communicate. However I hope that I did not make a mistake by not sending a picture with the letter. Do you think that she could be afraid that I am some kind if crazed person. She was ot currently listed on the registry so I have to guess that she was probably not searching. I am glad to know that you think from her point of view that I did the right thing by not calling her out of the blue this weekend. It has only been 2 weeks I still have lots of time for her to come around. Do you think that i should send her another letter to a differant address? I don't want her to feel forced or like I am harrassing her?---------------------------------------Thanks for the support-Alica

[shirleyville]

Hi, All!
One of my forum buddies mailed me and said she thought I might be able to offer something to this thread -- and while I don't know what exactly it might be , I'll give it a whirl!
I was born and relinquished in 1964 -- deep in the heart of the "secrets and lies era" of closed adoption. My birthmom denied contact with me in January of 2003, thru my state appointed confidential intermediary. A few months later, I located her whereabouts, on my own, and was more than shocked to discover that she (as well as my entire maternal birthfamily) had lived in the same county as myself, all my life. We are only ten miles apart.
I also discovered that I had gone to school with my birth cousin, and neither of us had a clue that we were in any way related, until I decided to make contact with her mother (my aunt). My aunt was a woman I had known, in the community and thru school, all my life.....and she was as shocked as I was to know our "connection", but felt that if she were to have contact with me, she would be betraying her sister.....SO , she let my cousin in on the "big family secret", and while the relationship has been somewhat "hindered" by the "secrecy" factor within my birthfamily, she's shared invaluable information and old family photos with me, and she is at least some "connection" to my birthfamily.
In November of last year, I did write to my birthmom -- against all sorts of "warnings" from my cousin and her mother. I felt that I needed to let her know who I was, and where I was....as I know she, like the rest of the family, had no earthly idea that we have all lived in such close proximity all our lives. In the letter, I said to her everything I had ever wanted to say, because I knew it would be my only chance. I didn't write as if I expected a response, because I didn't. I knew she wouldn't. I just wanted her to know me.....and I feel I achieved that.
I truly feel for my birthmom. Her life hasn't been an easy one, and I understand her reasons for denying contact. Her life has been frought with trauma and drama, and inviting more of what could be the same, into her life, at this late stage, isn't something she can handle, emotionally. Her children (all in their 30's) have no idea that I was ever born......and by all accounts, they are somewhat "bitter" people. They feel they have endured more than most, and it would appear that discovering their older sister had been allowed to escape what they were made to stay and endure, would turn into yet another family drama that our mother just can't fathom.
I think one of the most major things that we, as "denied" adoptees need to focus on, in our hearts, is that our birthmoms are just real people -- people like us......people with family dynamics that we don't necessarily understand, because we aren't a part of it. They are people with joys and fears and flaws and strengths......they have a life history that we've never shared. It's hard to understand, sometimes, why our birthmothers make the decisions they do, where contact is concerned, but we have to put ourselves in the position of our birthmoms......
It's easy to think "well, my birthmom should put all her fears and her issues aside, and do what is best for her "child"," because.....well, that's what Mom's do, right? Moms are supposed to put their children first. But you know what? That's what my birthmom did. She is thinking of her children!! Her children are Debbie, Calvin and Aaron -- my siblings....the children she raised. She knows those children inside and out . She held them as they took their first breaths.....she fed them their first meal.....she took them home and she loved them, as only a mother can, thru croup and diaper rash and first steps and first words.....thru skinned knees and broken hearts....first days of school, first dates, graduations and births of their own children. She's spent 30+ years of everyday life with these "kids".......she knows what makes them tick.....she knows what "that look" means when she sees it in their eyes. They are, in every sense of the words, her children . If anyone on earth knows the family dynamics within her brood, it would be our mother.
Yes, I am her child. She gave birth to me in the same exact way that she gave birth to my siblings, but that is where the everyday "connection" ends for us. I went on to have an entirely different life than she did.....and an entirely different life than my siblings.
Blood ties are what makes us from the same family, but shared life experience is what makes a family, and they don't have those experiences with me. I am a complete stranger to my birthmom.......and she's been asked to put everything -- almost 40 years worth of shared life experiences -- on the line for something that is completely unknown to her. Her fears run deep. She's spent all the years of my life trying to build a world for herself and her family -- and that world has never outwardly included me. To bring out of hiding a part of her that has been so deeply locked away, at age 61, is more than her emotional psyche can handle.
When my birthmom first denied contact, I tried to think of it in terms that I could relate to. According to her sister, my "resurfacing" was my birthmom's worst nightmare -- her biggest fear. Well, my "biggest fear" happens to be snakes. I am terrified of snakes......so I thought about how I would react if someone came to my door, out of the blue, and rang the bell. I open the door, and someone on the other side throws a basket filled with snakes on me. What would my reaction be? I would throw my arms up, yell "Noooooooooooo", and slam the door. It's a natural reaction when faced with something we fear. My birthmom fears the unknown....she fears disruption of a world she's lived in and held safe for 40 years. She is afraid of losing her children and her grandchildren over something she has kept from them for a lifetime. She's had a lot of loss in her life -- including the loss of her own mother when she was only five years old. At age 61, the thought of losing everything is just too much for her.
It's never been my intention to cause pain or to disrupt the world she has lived in all my life. I have always hoped my birthmom had children to share all the magic of childhood with.....I have always prayed that she had children to bring her flowers on Mother's Day to make her feel special.......and she's had that. She has seven grandchildren who continue to bring magic into her heart. I feel at peace with that.
It may seem as if the birthmoms who deny contact "have all the power", but I don't see it that way. I feel that, for the first time in my entire life, I have all the power. In one fell swoop, I could pull up in her driveway the next time she has the family over for a celebration, and in an instant, I could "out" everything to my siblings, their spouses and their children. I could bring my birthmom to her knees and expose it all. In effect, I have the "power" to change the lives of 15+ people, in less than a minute. But that's not the kind of "power" I want. Instead, I choose the power of compassion and understanding. I choose the power of respect and the power of thankfulness. The power of those things is far greater than the power of putting my own wishes over the those of another.
I truly wouldn't want my birthmother's impression of me to be that of someone who is selfish....who blatently disrespects others and their wishes....who has no compassion or caring. I don't want my siblings first impressions of their older sister to be that of someone who has no regard whatsoever for the woman who loved and nurtured and raised them thru the toughest of times. When they find out about me (and they will, one day), I want them to know that I respected our mother enough to listen when she said, "no".
I, personally, feel that by respecting my birthmother's wishes, I am giving her the gift of knowing that she didn't give birth in vain. She created a life who has reverence for others....who has the ability to step outside their own "box" to have understanding and compassion and respect for others. Perhaps that is the greatest gift I can give....and if so, I give it with an open heart.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense....maybe it's just rambling.......but it's my two cents, for what it's worth!
Best wishes to you all!
Hugs,
Sally

[FL_GirlByProxy]

I feel terrible for all of you who have hoped, searched, and hoped again, only to have found rejection. I can tell you one thing that may or may not help. I am a birthmom of my 19 year old son, closed adoption, not yet reunited. So this was 1984, and my mom didn't want me showing anyone pictures of my son, or talking about it, and I was not allowed to grieve or even recognize what was happening, or what had happened. Here's what I'm trying to say. In the 1950's right through at least the late 70's or early 80's, this is the way an unmarried girl/woman was often treated. She was taught to be ashamed of herself. She, in her vulnerable state, was told to put this behind her, to never mention it, to forget it ever happened.

To all of you here who have attempted to reunite and have hit a brick wall, please know that I don't believe it is remotely possible that you were ever forgotten. I think about my son every day. I have the "liberty" of telling my husband about it when we first met, and now my 2 younger children both know that they have a brother out there somewhere. I decided that there is no shame in my unplanned pregnancy, in my son. For these moms from the 1950's, 60's etc. though, I think this is so much more difficult. Please do not give up on them. They are in a much more difficult place than I ever was.

Deb wrote, (boy I've been quoting Deb all day):

"My thought is that letters are often the most effective way to communicate. Letters don't put the instant pressure on anyone to answer at the moment. Often feelings are so jumbled we need a little time to assimilate...letters lend that time.

For those searching, don't give up. For those rejected, I feel your disappointment, but remember that it has nothing to do with you as a person, but a bad, ugly set of archaic systematic beliefs."


She is so right in suggesting letters, I'm sure. It gives you a chance to put your thoughts, assurances and even appreciation and love down on paper. It will give your birthmoms a chance to reallly digest the feelings you are trying to come forward with.

On another thread, and I cant remember where, we were talking about patience, and I think this was in the context of birthmoms who were searching for their children. Here I see the same "virtue", and I've learned another lesson today, and it is so special because I have learned that adoptees also have to struggle with patience. I am not happy about this struggle for you. I want resolutions to be easy for you, because you did not make the decision to be adopted. Yet I find peace that many of you love all of the people in your life, even as you wrestle with bringing answers and peace to your life. I have you and all of your families in my prayers bigtime. Thank you for listening.
Peace,
LeeAnn

[Sidney]

FROM SALLY'S POST: "I feel that, for the first time in my entire life, I have all the power. In one fell swoop, I could pull up in her driveway the next time she has the family over for a celebration, and in an instant, I could "out" everything to my siblings, their spouses and their children. I could bring my birthmom to her knees and expose it all. In effect, I have the "power" to change the lives of 15+ people, in less than a minute. But that's not the kind of "power" I want. Instead, I choose the power of compassion and understanding. I choose the power of respect and the power of thankfulness. The power of those things is far greater than the power of putting my own wishes over the those of another.
I truly wouldn't want my birthmother's impression of me to be that of someone who is selfish....who blatently disrespects others and their wishes....who has no compassion or caring. I don't want my siblings first impressions of their older sister to be that of someone who has no regard whatsoever for the woman who loved and nurtured and raised them thru the toughest of times. When they find out about me (and they will, one day), I want them to know that I respected our mother enough to listen when she said, "no".
I, personally, feel that by respecting my birthmother's wishes, I am giving her the gift of knowing that she didn't give birth in vain. She created a life who has reverence for others....who has the ability to step outside their own "box" to have understanding and compassion and respect for others. Perhaps that is the greatest gift I can give....and if so, I give it with an open heart.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense....maybe it's just rambling.......but it's my two cents, for what it's worth!
Best wishes to you all!
Hugs,
Sally"
-----------
I must say that in the MONTHS I've been lurking/reading these forums, Sally's words above are the WISEST, MOST COMPASSIONATE I've ever read by an adoptee. I just wish all adoptees could have her insight and empathy for their birth parents and realize that some bmom/bdad's just can't emotionally deal with meetings and ongoing relationships. And then show the respect Sally has by simply backing off.

Thanks for being such a wonderful human being, Sally.

[shirleyville]

OH MY GOODNESS , Sidney!! You've certainly made me blush this morning!
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for your kind words!
Hugs,
Sally

[Katrina Ann E]

I certainly understand all the recent points of view that have been discussed. Except for the description of a basket of snakes, which I also hate, I am nothing to be feared. In the past 50 years, most intelligent and caring people understand what motivated the decisions of women in the 50's, 60's and 70's when it came to an unexpected pregnancy. And to think that in the year 2004 your family additional children and other relatives would chastise you for a decision made 40-50 years ago is hard for me to understand.

My birthmother does not even acknowledge my existence. She swears she never had a child and refuses to even speak to me. If by some small chance, which I doubt, she is not the woman, although she is named on my birth ceriticate, why not be willing to speak to me to clear it up. I have a lot of other supporting information to back up my identification of her. And if she does not want a relationship of any kind, then why keep me from my birthfather? All I need is a name. His was not required on my BC in 1954. She was not assaulted, they were dating. So there is no danger of bring up a violent or painful memory that I would completely understand.

My silence at this time is only prompted by the fact that I do not have the resource to take a trip to her home town. But I will. I do not view it as a gift of compassion to her or her other family members. Some who already know about me and her unwillingness to acknowledge me. To view my life and existences as a secret to be feared insults me. And I refuse to view it in that manner. Although our rights and wishes my clash, that is something that is just going to have to be dealt with one day. I even opted to speak to her without her husband knowing. But she was not willing to do that. If having him find out was a supporting factor for keeping me hidden, he has now passed away and she is still unwilling to even acknowledge my birth. Decisions were made for me that I had no voice in. I am now in a position, to let my voice be heard and to make request and I am going to exercise that right. If she doesn't like, then, well, I'm sorry. We could have made this easy, but she chose not to. Why should I as the adoptee be made to make all the concessions?

[RiverGal]

Katrina ~ Sounds more like a vendetta than a quest for answers. You must have had a pretty rotten childhood to be so angry.

[shirleyville]

I know that you aren't "something to be feared", DearHeart......neither am I ....neither are the vast majority of the general adoptee population. It isn't the adoptee that birthmothers who deny contact fear. It's many, many years of repressed pain, guilt and shame, in a lot of cases. It's the fear of letting issues un-dealt with for 40+ years, come to the surface....issues that have been buried so deeply, for so long, that even contemplating a ressurection is frightening beyond comprehension. It's fear of the unknown meeting the known.....the past meeting the present. Sometimes, it's a fear of inadequacy, fostered by the nay-sayers of the time, who pontificated the the notions of the era ---- being told, at a tender age, in the thoes of the biggest trauma of their lives, that they weren't "fit" to be their own child's mother, really did a number on some of our birthmoms.
There are so many fears our birthmothers faced at the time of our conception and birth......fears that were "stuffed" and "buried", or left alone to fester and build. Depending on the path that our birthmother's lives took, following relinquishment, it is perfectly understandable how situations of denied contact come about.
I have had the extreme good fortune to speak, personally, with some birthmoms who were not interested in contact, and I've come to understand how conflicted many of them feel. Realistically speaking, some birthmoms felt they made the right decision for themselves as well as their child. They didn't want to parent...they weren't equipped , emotionally, financially or in any other way. They made the decision that adoption was the way they wanted to go with things.....they signed the paperwork, and were assured annonymity. When that annonymity is breached, some 40 years down the line, it feels wrong .....
Yes, decisions were made "for" us, in the past -- decisions in which we had no voice -- decisions that effected our lives, our birhtparents lives, and the lives of our a-parents. Those decisions effected more than just those immediate people, tho. They effect the lives of our siblings (birth and adopted), grandparents (birth and adopted) spouses of our birthparents, our spouses, our children, our siblings spouses and children......and extended family. We, as adoptees, are not the only ones who didn't have a "voice" in the decisions made so many years ago, and we, as adoptees are not the only ones effected by the decisions WE make TODAY.
I agree that it's hard to understand, in today's age of "enlightenment", why people would still "chastize" you for decisions made so long ago, but believe me when I tell you -- it happens, and is more prevalent that you might think. Realistically speaking, unless our birthmother's spouses and parents were in some way "touched by adoption", they, too, may still have the same old "stigma" attached to the "unwed mother" persona of the old school era. Our birthmother's children were raised with the same grandparents that often times were the parents who forced te adoption in the first place.....their thoughts, values and most assuredly, their opinions, have been heard, and perhaps, in some ways internalized. Finding out that their own mother was "one of those girls" that Grandpa always talked about, might not be as emotionally easy to handle, as one might think.
For our siblings, most often, I don't think it's so much about the "Oh My God, Mom had sex and had a baby when she was a teenager" thing that upsets them most. I think it's more about the fact that they feel deceived or betrayed.....which also is a factor in our birthmother's fear -- the fear of losing her children's trust.
I don't know who my birthfather is, either. My birth cousin insists that her mother (my aunt, withwhom my birthmom was living at the time I was conceived and born) never knew. She said my birthmmom never told a soul who he was, and he isn't named on any documentation. As you said, an "assault" situation, where a painful or violent memory would be evoked, is "understandable", but rape or incest aren't the only kinds of "painful" memories. Even if our birthmothers were dating our birthfathers at the time of conception, that doesn't mean they stayed together. Sometimes, the guy got scared and hooked out....sometimes, our birthmothers, in their first "real love" relationships got their hearts broken by the immature actions of their young suitors......they were left scared and alone. Sometimes the parents of the birthfather stepped in and broke off the relationship, never acknowledging for a second that "their sweet little boy" could have done such a thing. DNA testing wasn't done back in the day....and then, not only were our birthmothers left, scared and alone, but their characters were totally besmirched. Whatever the case, there can be a lot more pain surrounding the circumstances than just assault or incest. I know of several situations of adoptees who were born in the Vietnam Era, whose birthparents were dating.....birthdad got shipped off to war......birthmom discovered she was pregnant, and you know what...? Birthdad never came home -- at least not alive. It wasn't like the two had been married ......parents pushed for adoption.....and they won. Now, not only did these women lose the loves of their lives, they also lost their child -- the only part of that love they had left. It would be understandable how bringing all of that to light, today, might bring about a lot of anguish that may or may not have been properly dealt with, emotionally.
I understand where you are right now, Katrina -- and I wish you all the luck in the world with your journey....where ever it takes you, and what ever choices you make. More than that, however, I wish you peace.
Hugs,
Sally

[mxdad418]

I've just read through these posts and Katrina i must say i agree with you completely. I have, as some here have read in a thread i posted, found several sibs. i didn't know about. My daughter contacted 1 of them last week but still no word from him....My initial contact with my b-mother was in 1982 and it went much like Katrina's experience. I respected her wishes for the last 22 yrs. She knew where i lived, she knew my name, she knew i had kids and that i was receptive to anything she would care to divulge...I received nothing...I chose to disrupt her life by letting my daughter contact her son. I will contact the others if i don't hear back from him soon. Times a tickin and i don't want to waste anymore of it. I don't have a "Real Name" for a B-dad and i'm sure i never will. I'm sure many here will disagree with my decisions to pursue this but it's something i won't back away from. Is it soooo selfish of me to want basic info. medical and heritage for my family and their families?

Mark 08-17-53

"Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right." -- Isaac Asimov