[mn125]

Originally posted by mxdad418
I respected her wishes for the last 22 yrs. ...............I received nothing...I chose to disrupt her life by letting my daughter contact her son. I will contact the others if i don't hear back from him soon. Times a tickin

Mxdad,
I respected my mothers wish for confidentiality for 5 years while in rejection. I did not go camp out on her front steps- demanding answers. I didn't picket her with signs- 'Here lives a mother who surrendered a child- born out of wedlock" ......
I did not blow up her telephone with messages, I never wrote to her begging for her to talk to me.
I let her alone, as she wished.

I had people all around me telling me that I should not contact her children. They "knew" how my sibs would react. They "knew" it would be detrimental to this family, they "knew" I would get hurt. I got so tired of people force feeding me 'WE KNOW' lines that I got to a place where all I wanted to do was give my siblings the TRUTH......and tell them openly they could do with the info what they needed to do with it. These were adults- afterall- 3 of them older than me.........2 younger. My adoption was not just about me and my 2 mothers.......my adoption had touched them too, as they had lost a sibling to it. They deserved to know the truth. And then they deserved the time and space to decide what to do with it. I wrote those letters to 5 siblings after throwing all my expectations of a happy reunion out the window. I had no intent to harm my mother or siblings - it was not done in revenge of moms rejection. It was done in RESPECT of my sibs to be able to handle 'knowing' the truth.

Happily, all the sibs responded to me positively. That was a total bonus!!!! One year into keeping contact and learning about each other- we decided to meet face to face. They had told mom from the beginning about my contact, and she just wasn't able to come around to it- she kept denying I was hers........
The sibs decided to tell mom that we were all meeting- and that she deserved to know the truth of that. The sibs told her she was more than welcome to come with them to meet me, but they also understood if she could not do so.
Just 36 hrs before my departure to meet my sibs- I got an email saying- hold on to your hat- she's decided to come with us!
689 days ago- I found myself back in my mommas arms- right where i belong

[RiverGal]

mn125 ~ Wow! I guess your tenacity really paid off. That is a great story, and VERY inspirational. Thanks for making my morning!

~Deb

[Alicairene4]

Hi everyone,
I just read the post about the woman who finally took her future into her own hands and called her siblings herself. This may sound strange but how did you find out that you had any siblings? I know that my birthmother has been married at least once ,but I have no idea if she had any children from that marriage. The marriage was short lived only 3 years back in the early 80's. I know her exhusbands name and I even have his address. Should I write him a letter? If I do have siblings they would be adults now. I feel that possibly if I have siblings that they may be more accepting of me than the older members of my family. I also have an aunt who has to be around 37. I have friends the same age as her. I feel like we might really be able to communicate. Can Anyone tell me how I should go about finding out the info on the rest of the family? I have contacted my birthmother ,but she won't write me back. I totally agree with giving her all the space she needs ,but I am struggling with the closure that I need. I have had a wonderful life and continue to live in a dream environment ,but all that is being tainted by the realization of my inner turmoil. sometimes I feel like it might consume me. I find myself constantly thinking about it. I wish I could just get it over with. I really appreciate it when someone writes concernong the feelings of some birthmother. It really helps to calm me and make me not feel as though she is just ignoring me because she hates me. I know in my heart that she is experiencing so many emotions--I just wish that she would talk to me and let me love her. My adopotive mom is so incredible. I count my blessings everyday for her. I know that some people think that adoptees who grow up in wonderful homes should just leave well enough alone ,but I wish those people could understand our need for a blood connection anyone that shares some of the same genetic characteristics. I hope it does not seem selfish--I think its basis survival.

[Katrina Ann E]

First to the MissngLinkInFL

Considering the fact that all families have issues ... I had a wonderful childhood. A father who loved me unconditionally, a brother and sister who NEVER saw me as an adoptee, and a mother who although she has issues of her own, after their divorce moved away and years of difficulties, we came together years ago and have a wonderful relationship today. I think it was very short sighted for you to think my quest is out of anger. That could not be further from the truth… and the truth is all I am after.

I feared for years that I was the product of rape or incest, but I found the strength to face what ever was out there. I know the birthmothers, mostly, and some birthfather, have the fear of their secrets coming to light. That was my point. These secrets are a sickness that can never heal and are fueled and fostered by fear. My therapist asked me the all important question as I struggled with find out about my origin…. “WHAT IS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN”. When you trust in God, face your fears and understand that what ever happen, you are still the same unique gift from God you always were, the secret can no longer harm you and the fear of the unknown is gone.

There may be those of you who agree or disagree with what you view as my motives, but I am comfortable that my decisions are not being made out of anger, hatred or any other negative emotion you wish to describe. I know that I do not hate Leona. She gave me the life I enjoy today and it is a good one. Peppered with disappointments like everyone else, but a good one none the less. I’ve traveled, lived on both coast, made friends of the famous and not so famous. Enjoyed luxuries and experienced hardships and survived them all. Been loved and lost loved ones… and still survived. Lived out some of my dreams and I am still making new ones.

The fact that you ID yourself as a MissngLinkInFL speaks volumes to me. My link may not be connected to the people I share DNA with, but I was never missing! I have learned to connect where I am and with who I am over the years. I have friends across the country that I have a 20 – 30 – 40 & 50 year history with. People who despite the knowledge that my birth family chose to relinquish me, they did not. There is a women still in my life today who helped my mother care for me when they first brought me home as a foster child. She cared for me as one of her own when my mother moved away and she still loved me today as one of her own. She and my mom are great friends and last year I arranged for her to surprise my Mom for her 86th birthday. She and her daughter traveled 15+ hours in a car to reach her so the four of us could once again share time with each other. Mom said it was the best gift she could have received.

My quest is not one of anger but of discovery. I have clues to the identity of my birthfather and despite Leona’s objection, I will continue my search with or without her assistance.

Respectfully,

Cathye… aka Katrina Ann.

[radiodoll]

I think you're doing just fine. A lot of adoptees and birthparents on these boards frequently forget that the birthaparents are and shouls be responsible to give their birthchildren the basic human birthrights of ALL people - the rights to their face, the right to to know their world heritage and ancestry, the right to medical heritage, the right to know that they are not inhuman, but in fact, real people who deserve respect.

Unfortuneately the law does not support this for adoptees. It's the parents rights that are protected. I am in a search to regain what is rightfully mine. Information which every other child that is born has access.

It's like being ignored by the police or the feds when something has been stolen form you. Demeaning and insulting.

OPEN INFORMATION TO ALL ADULT ADOPTEES.

Radiodoll

[RiverGal]

Cathye ~ I owe you an apology...I should never have even been on this darn thing all weekend...I should have stayed under my rock. I misunderstood what you were getting at...now I see the big picture and it makes sense. Forgive me for not seeing it in the context you were putting across.

Yes...Missinglink says it all. In my naivety, I really thought my b-daughter would be interested in medical and family history. I viewed myself as the link to missing information. I had convinced myself that she would be interested in knowing her sibs, and having any questions about her relinquishment answered. She was relinquished through a private adoption and many promises were made, but they were disregarded as soon as the ink dried. At this point, I am still not 100% sure she realizes she was adopted...and she is nearly 33 years old.

This weekend was a bad. The reality is finally setting in. I guess I saw the negative in everything I looked at. It's been like a bad drunk...wake up and wonder who I need to apologize to.

Generally, I am a very positive, upbeat person, but this search and reunion business can sure lead one to question reality! I wish she had your drive and inititive to find answers...maybe it was just sour grapes on my part. I hope you will forgive my blindsightedness.

Once again, I hope you will accept an apology from a frazzled and confused seeker.

~Deb

[RiverGal]

Radiodoll ~ I am on the flip-side. My relinquishment, as I stated, was privite, very civil, and involved no abuse, neglect or other ugly circumstances. It was strictly a matter of knowing my child deserved more than a homeless hippie mom could offer her at that time. I know I did the best thing for her...maybe not for me, but I wasn't the one in question...she was.

I am offering complete medical history for both b-parents going back 3 generations, family history...anything she might want to know. Having contact with ME is not required. They aren't interested. Since my b-daughter is now a mother, it just seemed like she would want to know what diseases may run in the family for the protection of her children.

After reading the hundreds of posts by adoptees searching and having to beg for the smallest scrap of their history, I am really at a loss as to why she would turn it down. But the only response I have gotten has been from the a-mom..and she wanted one question answered...how I found them.

I am very involved in a local movement to obtain some serious adoption reform so that adoptees never have to wonder what their history is...I am so much in agreement with your rights! While I realize I signed mine off, you, on the otherhand, did not.

Hope this clears it up a little....

~Deb

[radiodoll]

How utterly sad and self-abusing of HER to disregard YOU. At some point she is going to be very sorry she blew you off. Something will come up for her or her children, and she'll feel it. It'll get her insides whether she want it or not. Let's hope it isn't something bad.

So I wonder what she tells the children about their heritage. "Gee mom, did I come from Ireland or Spain or am I from New Zealand?" Do you think she'll lie? My adopted mother tried to keep telling I was English because my adopted Dad is English. But it itsn't true. Like, WHERE would I go in England to see my ancestors roots....the Royal Palace??? How riduclous. It turns out that I am Irish Protestant and my brother ( also adopted) is a Russian Jew. Yeah sure, we're both English. We just don't look anything alike. I love my motherm, but ya Know? What are people thinking? A nation of lies. It's so sad.

I am sorry you got the bum's rush. You certainly don;t deserve. Shame on her for not having at least concern for her children if not herself.

Rock On.

Radiodoll

[mxdad418]

mn, i applaud your respect and your restraint in the pursuit of what you initially went after. I for one nevercamped out on her front steps- demanding answers. I didn't picket her with signs- 'Here lives a mother who surrendered a child- born out of wedlock" ......
I did not blow up her telephone with messages, I never wrote to her begging for her to talk to me.
I let her alone, as she wished.

I was told by many who knew my circumstances to NOT let this go on this long and contact her. I chose not to. I wasn't and still am not looking for a relationship with a family i don't know. When my Grandson (who is 9 now) was born premature with chronic ashma and was later found out to be highly alergic to peanut butter among other things i didn't question my genes although it was brought up by my daughter. I didn't question my genes for 2 redheads from different mothers when neither side ever had a redhead in the last 3 generations. I could have gone on and left this alone had it not been for my 2 youngest who have a rare blood disorder which was traced back to me. With several issues and no where else to turn my daughter wanted to call the b-mom and i still wouldn't let her. After several more years and countless comments on my heritage i finally thought i'd try to end it by locating any possible sibs. (my god..if there was any they would surely be old enough by now and mature enough to handle this)....This is where my story started and i still feel no remorse for wanting answers to questions i and others have struggled with for so many years....

I didn't post to start a feud merely to state my feelings and shed light on how this has affected my family.....

Mark 08-17-53

"Emotional sickness is avoiding reality at any cost. Emotional health is facing reality at any cost."

[Katrina Ann E]

Thanks Radio Doll... I appreciate your kind words and I agree with you. For years I would look into the mirror and wonder why I had the features I did, who I looked like, why I naturally enjoyed the things I did when no on else in my family saw the world the same way I did.

Although I do not have names I was able to locate some non identifying information that gave me some answers. I have a very creative nature which comes from my birth Dad. He liked people, enjoyed singing, and roller-skating... Things I enjoy also. I have two karaoke machines in my house, and I produced three plays while living in Los Angeles in my 20's and 30's. I roller-skated every weekend in Venice Beach and had a great time meeting people and getting plenty of exercise. Had lunch one day with Gregory Hines the dancer and his party at a beach front cafe. During the late 70's and early 80's it was the place to be. Sidewalk vendors, fresh fruit smoothies, lots of people.

To: MissingLink in FL… Apology accepted. I did not think you really understood. As a birth parent, I guess you do see the other side of the coin. I hope for your sake, there is contact one day. Just as you wish to make contact to see how she is and what became of the life you help to create, we on the other side wish to see where we came from. However, I’ve met individuals who know they were adopted and have no desire to search or know. It is truly a personal choice and one may never understand why some choose to search and others do not.

As you can tell I also love to write and this forum is helping me to work on the novel I've always wanted to write. Giving me ideas and subjects to address. Maybe one day, it will be the subject of an Oprah book club... who knows.

You are correct in your assessment of the information we have the right too. People who were not adopted take for granted the knowledge of their birthright of history and medical information. Just knowing who they are and where they come from.

Thanks for the support I really appreciate this place. It keeps me grounded and centered. I know I am not alone. And that is a gift I can never repay! ]

BTW: I am Native - African - French American. Kids use to tease me when I grew up because my eyes were shaped differently, my lips were a little larger and now Hollywood Starlets pay top dollar to get what I have naturally.

Cathye... Aka Katrina Ann

[radiodoll]

Ah, mxdad...

my heart breaks for you. I will keep you in my thoughts. I pray your children grow brave and strong and healthy.



xxxRadiodoll

[mn125]

Originally posted by mxdad418
I didn't post to start a feud merely to state my feelings and shed light on how this has affected my family.....

Mark 08-17-53

I'm sorry if my post seemed to be feuding- I wasn't insinuating that you camped out- or anything else like that. I guess I shouldn't have directed the post AT you. I am sorry.
::::::mn extends her hand for handshake:::::::::::sorry Mark

I just responded- because your post and situation caught my eye- having been there and kinda done that. I included that so that all would know I didn't stalk or badger my mom to get what I 'needed' and nothing more. I began my search effort to learn med background for my own daughter too. The condition I was trying to make a connection to being genetic was ALL OVER the family medical history.

Again, I applogize for directing my post at you, Mark.

I wish you the best as you search for your truth.
mn

[mxdad418]

mn, my apologies if I mistook your direction. Sunday was a bad day (Fathers Day). I actually had a good day with my father, mother, kids and other family...It's strange how some days affect me more so than others. Maybe it was the fact that deep down inside i know i'll never know my b-dad's ancestry. Maybe it's because my ex-wifes father is on his death bed (He and i were very close)....I think i'll make a promise to myself that whenever i feel like that i won't post..lol. Although, it is how i truely feel....Naaa, i'll still post here.

::::::Mark extends his hand for handshake:::::::::::sorry mn

Mark 08-17-53

"Only two categories of people in the United States have no free access to their original birth certificates - those in the witness protection program and adoptees"…..hmmm

[mn125]

Originally posted by Alicairene4
This may sound strange but how did you find out that you had any siblings?

Alicairene4,

I learned of my older 3 siblings (born 4,3,2 yrs before me) in my non-id, and thru my search using a state CI.

I learned about the younger 2 sibs (born 10,12 yrs after me) using an adoption PI- who gave me info on them, ex's, even extended family members. I got it all without condition, or qualification...... the way it SHOULD be.

[Alicairene4]

I was beginning to think that everyone thought that my question was to dumb to respons to I admire your resourcefulness! I also have gained all of my information by my own blood sweat and tears and the compassion of total strangers willing to help for no other reason than pure thoughtfulness. I was talking to my husband last night about writing or calling her exhusband. I have his address and phone number. If she has children surely he would know. Possibly they have children together. They were married only 3 years in the early 80's ,and it seems very likely that they would have had at least one child together. I am still struggling with how pushy I should be about this whole thing. I have the info to find the answers ,but I don't know if I should use it. I really don't want to freak her out to the point of truly avoiding me out of fear of this crazied woman who won't take no for an answer. Everyone says trust your heart--but sometimes my heart gets me into trouble, just ask some of my old boyfriends I guess I am resolved that prayer is the only thing that can change things. thanks for the advice and any future advice you could offer. God Bless.
Waiting Impatiantly,
Alica