[kaybeeCC]

Hi. This is my first time writing anything here, and I don't want to say the wrong thing. I notice that most people's input is about searching for their biological parent(s) or child(ren).

I was adopted shortly after my birth, and grew up in a loving family. I don't remember when I was told I was adopted, but it never really had much impact on my life. Life was great! When I went to college I contacted the agency that had handled the adoption, and put it in the records that I would like any info from or about the bio. parents. I received a short "form" letter, really just an outline. The bio. people didn't have contact info on file. That was the end of that.

In my late 20's my Mom died. My real Mom. The Mom that raised me. (It bugs me when people refer to an adopted person's biological mother as their "real" mother.) It was a life-shattering time, I was and still am crushed by her death (it has gotten easier to think about her without feeling sad). The following year I got married, and a few years later had my own kids. I think God paid me back by giving us a son that looks so much like me that if I ever had any interest in finding my bio. parents (just to see someone that looked like me), I completely forgot about it!

(Our daughter looks like my husband, oh well! )

A year and a half ago I got a message on the answering machine from a woman at the adoption agency. I knew. I couldn't eat all weekend. I was nervous. Did I really want to let all this into my life? I had made it so long without needing that part of me.

What the heck, I called her back. The agency lady & I spoke on the phone for a while, and I agreed to let her send a letter my bio. parents had written to me (and a photo!).

The biological woman and I corresponded intensely at first, lots of new information to share, photos, etc. It was new & I was glad to find out some medical history. It kind of irked me that they are still together - my biological mother and father. They don't have any children. I think that would have been even more interesting to me, to see some siblings that might look like me. Oh well, no big deal.

So, she wants to meet me. And at first I thought it could be a possibility, but I didn't want to do that without talking to my Dad about it. And I didn't even want to talk to my Dad about it because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I don't need to have my biological parents in my life - I have him (and my Mom, before she died). It's not that important to me to take that chance. The bio. mother understands, but is still hopeful that someday that will change.

So she continues to write to me, and I'm losing interest because I've run out of new info to share with her, and she's writing about everyday things. Then my family finds out my Dad has a serious illness. I don't want to share this with her (the bio. woman), because it's personal - so personal that it's none of her business, and I don't need her "support."

Ok, here is the thing. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I just don't want to / don't feel right about expending the energy writing to her when my Dad needs me like this (he isn't demanding that I give him my complete attention, but I'm giving him as much as I can and I know he needs it). I have guilt no matter what I do (oh well, I was raised as a Catholic!).

How can I tell her to back off, give me some time, stop writing letters to me - without making her feel bad? (and without telling her I need to attend to my Dad)

I'm sorry this ended up so long. I know how much some people want to meet their bio. parents, and I do feel fortunate to have it out there for me to chose.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks a lot.

[cathy102]

I would just be honest with her and tell her you are not ready right now and maybe some day you will be ready. You need to think of YOU first. I would just tell her that you would prefer her not to write and you will write when the time is right for you. I am so sorry to hear about your mom passing away. I will keep you dad in my prayers...

I know that your decision is not easy to make but if you are not ready, she will just have to understand. I am sure it will probably hurt her but she just needs to give you time..

Good luck to you..Congrats on your children..

Hugs,

Cathy

[BrandyHagz]

I read a book a few months ago called Ithaka. Her story sounds a lot like yours…You might want to pick it up and read it some time…it’s a great book!

ISBN: 0-385-533451-6
Ithaka by Sarah Saffian


Good luck

[sonata]

Welcome to the forum!

Please don't worry about saying the "wrong" thing. If you are here to share your feelings about adoption there isn't anything "wrong" with anything you say. The way you feel is the way you feel! If we think we can only say what everyone else would approve of, there wouldn't be any point in being here at all!
(I think the only exceptions are when people "slam" a certain group of the triad)

I am also an adoptee - 41 years old - and reunited with my birthfamily for two years. I am the one who searched and initiated the reunion as are many adoptees on this forum. But every adoptee doesn't feel the same way about reuniting. We all have different emotional needs based on our personality and circumstances of our family life. So if you feel this strong loyalty to your REAL Dad, and very little pull toward your biological family, then you need to follow your heart.

Some of us don't feel that it has to be mutually exclusive. We want BOTH relationships. That doesn't mean it is always easy. Deciding to maintain relationships with your birth family without causing any disruption whatsoever to your adoptive family is unrealistic. But if has to be your individual decision whether you are willing to do what it takes to maintain those relationships while also maintaining your emotional equilibrium. Again, it ISN'T EASY! Even when you are highly motivated to do it, it can be an emotional minefield for everyone involved.

Please don't feel guilty about holding your birthmother at arms length. I can tell by what you said that you have been kind and polite. It's not like you have just flat out rejected her with no explanation. I think you have every right to explain to her that although you are glad to know who she is and you appreciate her concern and interest, you really want to be there for your Dad right now.

You have every right to set the parameters that you are comfortable with. IMO, she should be happy with the fact that you love your parents so much and had a happy childhood. At least she can be content with knowing she did well for you. But she can't necessarily expect that you will immediately begin to treat her as your "long lost mother" if that's not the way you really feel! If you feel hesitant about it, it is best NOT to meet right now because it is an emotionally overwhelming and draining experience no matter how it is done. You are right to wait until (or IF) you are ready. Probably if you gently let her know that you will "be in touch" once in a while, she won't be too hurt. Maybe you could just send her a card or an email now and then saying "thinking of you" without encouraging things to go any farther.


Good luck working it all out. Let us know how it goes and I hope your Dad will be okay. Sonata

[ChristiBender]

I think Sonata said it well.

The best thing I can offer is this. Check in with your intentions. If your intentions are to not hurt her overtly and to keep the door open for a potential future (can we ever REALLY know how we will feel down the road) than that is good to note.

Be kind... to yourself (set your boundaries) and to her (be gentle as it seems you are).

Be honest. Tell her at this time you are happy to have had the contact that has transpired and you realize you are important to her. Tell her you are very close to your adoptive family and your nuclear family (husband and two children). Tell her your life is full and she helped to provide you with that by giving you to such wonderful people and by answering some of the questions you had when she located you. Tell her right now you need some time for the people in your immediate life. Let her know that you will be in touch again, but for now you need some space. From what you wrote that all seems to be true. It all seems honest.

I know that these reunions can be emotionally tearing experiences and you were so very fortunate to have had a great, loving and wonderful adoptive family.. your real family. You are also lucky to have been able to get some information about your biological roots. That could be important down the road... you never know. You seem to be a very kind, gentle and honest person. Treat her with the respect she deserves for carrying you and giving you a chance at a good life... but set boundaries that make YOU comfortable.

You are responsible for taking care of you. You know that. Don't feel guilty about it. If you have good intentions, are kind, gentle and honest you can't go far wrong.

hug yourself and maybe say a little prayer of thanks for all the blessings you have had. My best wishes are with you and your father.... give him your time now and you won't regret it. Your heart is telling you that... listen to it.

[Brenda Major]

I too have no desire to meet my bparents. My adopted parents were my mom & dad & never resented being PICKED by them. I lost my dad in 1971 & my mom 1992. I miss my mom soooo much & would give anything to still have her & talk to her again.

I am engaged to a man & his mom is so much like my own, that I sometimes think mom sent her to me. When we visit his mom (I call her mom) she & I go shopping, sit and talk for hours & she has really made me feel apart of their family, all of his family does.

I respect your feelings & as the others stated you may want to keep the door open for future needs possibly for medical info for your children, or great grandchildren. I wish I had asked more questions before my parents passed on as now I am starting to search for the answers they may have provided. I have 1 dtr 33yrs old, she strongly resembles her fathers side.

Stand by your hearts desires & as the others stated I think you will find a caring understanding way of explaining to your bmom your feelings.

Best of luck & God bless

brenda

[sspete]

Kaybee......

Please don't feel guilty because of your feelings. You are certanily intitled NOT to want a relationship with your bmom. My bdaughter is taking our reunion VERY slowly, and really is not interested in meeting me right now. She does write every now and then, but rarely!!! I respect this about her, even though it is hard!!! My advice to you, would be to be HONEST. Don't let her think you want a relationship if you DON'T!!! She will just have to understand.....It is your choice, and your life!!!! Tell her via mail, that you have other things you are focusing on right now....Especially the illness of your dad. If there is NO chance of a relationship with your bparents in the future let them know so they want sit around "waiting". If there is a chance leave the door slightly opened, by saying, "MAYBE, when I am not so busy with children, or caring for my dad, we can resume contact, but until then I prefer all contact to STOP!!! Christi had a good point....Tell her that you are thankful you found each other, and you have been blessed with the info you have received from her. I wish you the best of luck.....You are in my thoughts!!!!

Staci

[kaybeeCC]

I'm grateful to read all of your thoughts, thank you so much!

I hope I don't sound like I don't care about my biological parents - it's really my bio. mother that I'm in contact with. She is really nice, very thoughtful, good at corresponding... that's why I feel so bad "turning her away." I like her.

I'm going to try to start a letter to her that includes all my feelings so she will understand where I'm coming from, even if that means I end up sharing the seriousness of my Dad's illness.

thanks again & I will check again to read any more replies.

[Jackiejdajda]

kaybeeCC wrote..How can I tell her to back off, give me some time, stop writing letters to me -

I see nothing wrong with you just telling her. I would want to know...

Time out in reunion is a good thing not a bad thing.. IMO

You have some hard emotional things to go through and you get to go through them your own way. This is difficult enough..

Jackie

[Missy M]

I agree with the other posters that you have every right to decide who you want and don't want in your life; everyone does. As a birthmother I just want to say that when my daughter and I reunited she felt that I in some way would try and replace her A-mom and that was never the case. It took her months to realize that she has enough space in her heart to love us both and that its OK for her to do so.
I am confused as to why you refer to your B-mom in this manner:"The biological woman "

You didn't say that she was a member of this forum but I wanted to share that your words have the potential to hurt the B-moms who are here. While you may have no intention of doing so, it could happen. I would never post "that biological child" in reference to my daughter even if I felt that way about her, simply because I think it might offend other adoptees.
I want to welcome you and if possible, offer you constructive feedback from a B-moms veiwpoint. Please continue to post and please know that my prayers are with you and your family...MissyM

[kaybeeCC]

I am so sorry - I do not want to hurt anybody's feelings. I guess I referred to her as "biological woman" thinking that nobody in these forums would know her personally, or... I guess I just wasn't thinking - I don't have much experience in this field. Maybe it is my way of not letting myself get close to her.

I don't think of her in the way that made it come off. She is not just some woman, a womb-donor. She is the reason I am here today, besides God's hand in it. If it weren't for her and her choices, I wouldn't have had the life I have. I appreciate what she did for me - I don't resent her, I don't dislike her.

I think it has a lot to do with my guilt feelings. I never wanted to hurt my parents by showing an interest in another "parent." I never even asked my mom why she and my dad couldn't give birth. It was never important enough to me to risk hurting her. And with my Dad in his declining health, I don't want to start talking about that.

I won't refer to my birth mother that way again. A birth mother is a much more important part of their child's life, even if she is never involved again. I hope you all know that.

Thank you,
KB

[ChristiBender]

KB
Your last response makes it clear to me that you have strong feelings for your Bmom.... but that "mom" is a sacred thing for you and a role that only your Amom ever filled. That is fine. That is great actually.

It does seem that you are guarding yourself emotionally somewhat... and I think that started coming though in your last couple of posts. You have gone through such pain with your aparents and losing them and their health issues that it seems only natural to me that you would want to protect yourself from getting close to yet another person and then ultimately feel the pain of losing them again. Could that be part of it.?

I also think that you do care...and just that feeling (and all the stuff that goes with it) is REALLY SCARY... and you are already juggling a lot. You know you best.. you know how much you can handle and you seem to know that at this time you can't handle ALL that on top of ALL the other stuff. Being honest with yourself is paramount. Good job.

Your warmth and caring for the people who are your parents is hugely apparent. Your fondness for your Bmom is also apparent. One does not have to exclude the other.... and you might be able to feel both fully when your life isn't so pressured with your dad and everything else.

Tell your bmom that. Write the letter... sit on it a day or two... amend it.... get it to the point that you feel really comfortable with the message and send it. Your warmth will come through - of that I have no doubt.

[NikkiLGA]

You have to go with your heart. No one's situation is exactly the same in this forum. Some people do not desire a reunion. For me, it was healing. I too, have wonderful parents who have raised me and loved me. They always lifted up my birth mom, and never said anything derogatory about her. When things came together almost 2 years ago, there were a lot of emotions. I can only wish to talk to my birth mom, to have her write me, to hear her voice, for you see, she passed away in November, 1977, as a result of injuries received in a car crash (my story is at adoption.com, e-mag, June 17, 2003, issue "He Did This for Us" by Nikki Lever. Its wonderful to have other members of her family to share stories, etc., about her with me, and God is healing that hurt, and I have become close to my bio-grandma (Liz's mother).

Pray about it. Then explain your feelings to your birth mother. But also remember that she also is experiencing feelings. I don't think she is trying to disrupt your life or become your mom. I am sure she is grateful for the parents you have and thanks God everyday that you are okay. Hang in there.

Love - NikkiLGA

[StevieGirl]

KB

I think the bottom line is you have so much going on in your life right now, that you just need to concentrate on you. Let your birthmother know that. You can tell her that there are some things going on in your life you need to tend to, and you were hoping that you could put contact on hold right now, and you'll let her know when you're ready to continue. You don't have to specifically tell her about your dad's problems.

Also about that - many time we compare relationships to birthparents like relationships to inlaws.

Does your dad feel threatened by the relationship you have with your in-laws? Is having a father-in-law mean you're replacing your father?

The way I see it, the relationship I have with my birthmother has nothing to do with my relationship with my mom. She's not replacing my mom in any way. She's an addition to my life.

I understand your guarded feelings. My dad passed away almost 2 years ago, so I feel defensive of him. When my birthfather called himself dad, I felt like I was going to vomit. But yet, I have no problem calling my birthmother "ma".

No one said reunions were easy, or that anything about them will make sense!

Your feelings are your own, and you deserve them. So if you feel you need to step out of reunion right now, then do it. Because if you feel forced to continue what you don't feel is right, then it may ruin any chance of a future relationship with your birthmother.

I'm sure you'll find the words to express yourself. Good luck.

[kaybeeCC]

Thank you all for your input. It really helped me in writing my letter. I sent it out yesterday. I'm going to close this "thread" (?) so I don't dwell on it too much (over analyzing is a problem I have!). So thanks again.

KB