[dinbear]

be honest with her. I know that the person who raised you is your real mom to you. It is very hard giving up a child and living with it. Too many times the adoption agencies have lost paperwork, etc. She loved you enough to give you a good home. I gave my first born up when I was 16. I have not found her yet. I know I am not her mother but I would like for her to meet her siblings. Sometimes life brings some unpleasant circumstances in which we make decision that is best for our children even when we have to find them better homes.

[sonata]

dinbear:

It is interesting when you say about your birthdaughter, "I know I'm not her mother". And we also hear adoptees like the one who started this thread say, "The biological woman is not my mother".

I am an adoptee reunited two years ago at age 39. I consider both my "birth" mother AND my "adoptive" mother my mothers! I literally have TWO mothers!

I'm not saying this flippantly at all. There is a certain amount of anguish, if you will, associated with it all. I love both of them. Both of them made the sacrifices for me. Both of them put my best interests first. So I can't disqualify either of them from being my mother! Of course it is easy to see how my adoptive mother is my mother. She raised me since I was born and is the only mother I ever "knew". But I always "knew" there was another one too. And I can't disqualify her from being my mother since she not only gave birth to me, but she made the sacrifice to give me two parents and a better life than what she thought she could give. I know she has thought about me and prayed for me my whole life. Isn't that what a mother does?

There are definitely some emotional conflicts that come with all this - I'll be honest. But really, I am blessed to have TWO mothers who love me.

I'm not trying to start any kind of debate about what makes a mother a mother or challenge how anyone else feels about it. But I do hate to hear a birthmother who obviously loves the child that she relinquished say that she is not a mother. She may not be "Mom" (which is different!) but she IS A MOTHER!

Just my thoughts on this.......Sonata

[ChristiBender]

I agree.... totally. But, I am in a similar situation with you - both love me, accept me and have, in their own ways, been my mother.

I think when I hear birthmothers who say they aren't a mother is makes me feel, on some level, like they are again rejecting the child they gave up. Like you, maybe they aren't "mom", but they are a mother. I personally call both my mothers, "mom". That terms is not sacred for me though - as it is for a lot of people. I call my boyfriend's mother "mom", I called my girlfriends' mothers when I was growing up "mom". And it is comfortable to me. I know that for a LOT of people "mom" is sacred and I totally and unquestionably accept that for them.

I was reading the end of Birthright last night. There was a chapter in there about just this...about labels and how it can all get very confusing. It seems we all have a "story" that goes with certain terms and that is where the problem lies. If we don't think the word "mother/mom" or "father/dad" or whatever means a certain set of shared experiences then it is just a word used to identify a relationship of sorts. Our language does not yet seem to be equipped to deal with the emotional nuances of the relationships between a parent and child who never knew one another.... and it shouldn't be expected to... mothers and children who don't know each other aren't the "norm" and therefore it makes sense there is no word to go with it.

For some people these lables pose huge stumbing blocks and I feel for them... I think it must be very hard to grapple with. For those of us who are comfortable with whatever works be it "mom" or their first name, or a nickname it is easier.

In the end the label isn't nearly as important as the relationship being formed and the gentle honesty upon which it is built.

[sspete]

THANKS SONATA AND CHRISTI!!!!!!!!

Your words mean a lot to a bmom!!! It means a lot to me when an adoptee understands that in some cases adoption was chosen for them out of love for them. I know that is hard to understand, but that is the one thing I wish for my bdaughter. I want her to know I loved her then, and I love her today!! A mother's love is forever!!

Staci

[shirleyville]

I wanted to chime in, too and say that even tho my birthmom denied contact with me, I still view her as one of my mothers.
There's a good chance that I will never be able to meet her face to face or have an opportunity to be in a situation where I would have to "address" her as anything..... but she is and always will be one of my two mothers.
Christi and Sonata are in a different situation than I am....they have been reunited and have actual relationships with their birthmothers......but even tho I don't have that, there isn't a thing in the world that would change the way she is addressed in my heart.
When I wrote to Mary Ellen in November, I made sure she knew that, too. I made sure she knew that no matter what decisions she's makes about contact, now or in the future, she would always be a part of my heart -- how could she not be? She created it!
Hugs,
Sally

[sonata]

To Christi...

When I hear a birthmother say, "I know I'm not her mother", I don't take that as a rejection of the adoptee. What I hear is her saying that she doesn't feel like she deserves to call herself that person's mother. (I could be wrong!) That is the impression I got from what dinbear said.

I think that attitude comes from the way birthmothers were treated once upon a time (30+ years ago) when they were expected to relinquish the child and never look back. They were never "allowed" to feel like the child's mother. In many cases they were not even allowed to see or hold the child after birth.

(Thankfully most birthmothers are no longer treated with such callous disdain!)

That is why I said I hate to hear a birthmother accept such a judgement of her motherhood. For any birthmother who cares enough about her relinquished child to be on this forum... YOU ARE A MOTHER!

[sspete]

Sonata.....

Thanks again! You are so right....bmother's are made to feel we are not mother's. My own mother in-law said to me that having a child does not make one a mother. Her exact quote was "even amoeba's reproduce". She is a Mother, but she is also adopted. She was adopted back in the fifties when the attitudes were much different. I wish she could only know the pain that bmom's feel. As I said before very often the mother chooses adoption for her child out of incredible love. It is truly amazing that some don't get this!

THANK YOU SALLY....Your prospective always touches my heart!!! You are an incredible woman!!

Staci

[l-thompson]

I find this thread very interesting - the name thing again and what to call your birthparents without feeling disloyal to your parents ( the ones that raised you)

I have to say I get some raised eyebrows often when I am talking about my birthparents. I call them Mum and Dad.
My parents are my Mother and Father and yes, Mum and Dad too!
This is not a dilemma for me at all but for others I can sense it is.
I no longer take notice of their comments - I am quite comfortable in calling my birthparents Mum and Dad - its easy, it feels right and the relationship we have is a parent/child one ( even though I am 40 years old!!) My children refer to them as Nan and Pop.

Having said the above its very important to note that my parents (the ones that raised me ) have both passed on so its not like I am speaking to two Mums and two Dads regularly, then it really would be a bit confusing.
Initially I felt incredible guilt, to the point of nearly rejecting my birthparents, so consumed was I with feeling I was "replacing" my parents, being disrespectful to their memory.
I have come out the other end now and have worked through my feelings on this. The thing is I want to call them Mum and Dad - I am their daughter, I feel like I am part of the family, they are my Mum and Dad too.

I have been incredibly blessed to have had two Mums and two Dads.

[kiwi]

[This thread has been locked at the thread starter's request]