[Towelie]

I am 34 and I have always known I was adopted and have nothing but praise for my adopted parents.

Ten years ago I found my birth mother, and two unexpected biological brothers. This has been largely positive, though I have a few 'betrayal' issues with my adopted family I guess. Most helpful and interesting was seeing that my brothers and I were clearly 'cut from the same cloth.'

My birth father I only met a couple of years ago. He had ten years to make contact, but it never happened. Finally, in not the most ideal of circumstances, we met. We talked, but I didn't feel any bond, and further meetings haven't been strongly pursued by either of us. I am now wondering whether I should instigate another meeting, or let it lie. The pros and cons I see are these.

PROS> We could develop a mutually beneficial relationship and I could compare myself to him and identify possible personality traits that could answer questions I have about my own personality.

CONS> As suggested by our first meeting, we could have little in common and I could end up feeling more rejected than before. There is also the guilt factor that I already have a fine father in my adopted family, and perhaps I don't have a 'father-shaped hole' in my life that needs filling. I worry that the end result is going to be two adults with little in common struggling in vain to connect. My birth brothers have not had a particularly positive relationship with their/our father, and I understand that his current spouse is pressurising him to keep us apart, and he is compliant with this.

Close friends feel that I should pursue a relationship, but I feel that they have little understanding of the complex feelings of the adopted child. I have been worried lately that if he were to die and i had not explored our relationship, I would regret it. Now however, I am feeling that he is little more than a sperm-donor, and my real allegiance is to the people that brought me up in a loving, supportive environment. Most of my questions concerning my identity have been answered. The rest I may never answer. So is it worth forcing more meetings when neither of us seem interested?

I would appreciate any experiences from other adopteees in a similar situation.

(reposted in a more appropriate forum)

[VANICE]

Hi,

You have asked a difficult question and only you know the answer to this. Not all reunions are wonderful. Keep in mind that you are like a stranger to your Dad. When I found my Dad about a year ago, I had to get to know him and I had to allow him to get to know me. The last time I saw him I was 18 months old. We both had to be receptive to this. If one is not, then it should be ended. You need to ask your Dad, if this is something that he needs or wants. Please remember that when you look up a biological parent, you must not place quilt on them. You look them up to find out more about yourself and where you come from. What caused you to be put up for adoption is painful. No child is put up for adoption because the circumstances were good. When an adoptess finds their birth parents, it brings all of those memories back to them. Sometimes it is too painful to endure. Only your 'love' can heal the pain of what they did. Good luck.

[lfreeman]

You were at least fortunate to have met your biological father. I am 49 years old and met my bio mother in 1993. Other than birthday cards and an occasional phone call, there is no "real" bonding! My bio father denies my existence! You know what? Who cares? I've seen his pictures and I know after meeting birth mom, that I am who I am because of those two wonderful people who gave me love and nurtured me throughout life - not because of her and least of all, him. I just consider myself lucky to have had the opportunities in life provided to me by my adoptive parents - - they are my parents! Other than that, everything else is purely physical likesnesses.

[Sledge]

It looks to me as you already answered your own question, your Cons out weighed you Pro's. I would suggest if you just put space between the two of you for more time then re-visit him in a few months to see if anything changes. If nothing changes give him a few years then try one last time. Maybe if you give him his space back maybe he will relize that he wants a relationship with you, maybe not, it will be his lose. Congratulations on finding your bfamily at any rate, you are lucky to have found them and make contact, a lot of kids don't get to.