[Teana]

I am curious to find out how other reunited adoptees feel about their bio parents. I mean, did it turn out as you had hoped? Personally, I had a wonderful reunion with my biological brother, but the reunion with my birth mom was not as wonderful.

Although, our reunion did answer a lot of questions about why I was adopted, it was quite unsettling to see my bio mom in such an unhealthy condition. She is emotionally unstable and poverty stricken. I do sympathize with her background of an impoverished childhood and I realize the unfortunate circumstances she has encountered over her lifetime. However, since she is not capable of having a "real relationship" with me because of all of her problems, I feel some sadness. I realize that we are not able to have the mother/daughter relationship that I had longed for.

Has anyone else had a similar experience with their reunion?

Tina

[sal]

I have been reunited with my bmom and her whole family including siblings for 2 years now. I was 48 years old when I finally got the nerve to search and contact so I had a nice long time to have my fantasy mom....(think Cinderella).....and the reality mom was difficult to grasp at first. But.....I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason....that I was supposed to grow up somewhere else and meet her now in my life. Accepting that has helped my mental state immensely. I, too longed for the "mommy" relationship that I didn't have with my adoptive mom and because of my bmom's mental health issues haven't always gotten what I hoped for......but I do know now that she loved me with her whole heart and hadn't wanted to surrender me......both of which helped me accept my adoption with more understanding than I had had before...... I DO understand some of what you feel.......hang in there.....glad that your relationship with your brother has been positive......sal

[dkb60]

I worried about this. I knew that many adoptees spend a lot of time dreaming about these birth parents. I knew that I could never in a million years live up to that dreaming. Since I was married to birth father, I was afraid it would be worse. She would expect Camelot or something. She even talked in her first letter to me about how she would dream about me.

So I instantly wanted to loose 20 (okay 40) pounds, move to a bigger house, get a younger hubby, better furniture, a maid...you get the picture. But I didn't do any of those things...including the weight thing, unfortunately.

We have been reunited a year and a half and we have promised each other to be honest and to just be who we are. Although, I think we have made great strides in making our bdaughter not take things too seriously at times.

anyway, just thought from a mom
D

[Cathy Jo]

Teana,
I have been reunited with my b-parents for almost 4 yrs. now. At first it was everything that I had dreamed about. But now 4 yrs. later, I still have questions that I feel need to be answered. I think that I have that right. My b-mother doesn't like to talk about the past and has made that very clear to me. I think that maybe that is what's holding our relationship back. On both of our parts. I love her and am so glad to find her and maybe that should be enough. Am I being to hard on her? I don't know. I too dreamed every day as far back as I could remember about what it would be like to be reunited with my b-parents, and while it was a dream come true, I guess I'm still waiting for the rest to happen. I hope that things will work out for you.

Cathy Jo

[Ellie-michelle]

Teana,
Hi, No, it wasn't at all like i thought it would be. I am reunited with my b-father. I too had dreams and had a very long time whilst searching to build up this idea of what my 'dad' should be. I didnt know it then, but i had very high expectations of our future relationship and when they didnt pan out as i had wanted and dreamed they would, well.. it came as a very hard lesson for me to deal with.
We have also said that we would be honest with each other, but some of the 'honesty' is just too hard to hear.
Some times I feel that he's holding back on his true feelings, but is it just that I dont like what he's saying? or that I'm not listening?
my b-father also does not seem to want to go anywhere near my past life and as with tlee's post, the ackowledgement of my past is not there, its as if it wasn't there at all and that makes me feel as if didn't exsist before we met.
But saying that, we do have a good realtionship that we are building on day by day.
Good luck with your reunion!
Ellie

[Cathy Jo]

Thanks tlee70! I thought maybe I was the only one feeling this way! This seems to be something that I struggle with each and every day. I know my husband probably wishes that I could just forget and go on. But I can't. Right now I am in the process on making my b-parents an album on pictures of myself to give to them on our 4th Anniversary. This has been a healing process in a way for me. I look back on those pictures and see that I had a good life. A way better one than my b-parents could have given me. I was very lucky to have the adoptive parents that I did. Without them I wouldn't be the person that I am today and that makes me feel stronger. But there still is another side to me, a side that only my b-parents can fill me in on. I have never gave up a child, so I don't know the pain that they might be feeling. But I know the joy that I have had each and every day in finding them and I only wish that they felt the same. I know they do deep down, maybe they just can't show it to me. I take it day by day and TRY not to let it get me down. But some days it is to hard. Thank you for your understanding. It's nice to know I'm not alone in all of this!!

Cathy Jo

[debsdone]

My birthmother seems much like yours. I enjoy her, but it is mostly a surface thing. She has medical issues as well as the mental ones. At first I believed most of the trouble was dementia related, but the more I learn the more I believe she has always been this way. I am finding myself very grateful for the life I had! Love, Debi

[Duchie]

Hi all -

In answer to the original post - I found something totally different than what I expected.

I was born in the early 60's (I hate dating myself, but I must - lol). The only thoughts that were in my mind was that my bparents were flower children. I had thoughts of Woodstock dancing in my head. This scared the heck out of me. I also thought that more than likely (with my luck) there would be no siblings.

What I found was.....

A very nice reserved woman who is married to a wonderful guy. Who went through a lot of pain after my birth.

I also found 6 half siblings. That was totally unexpected.

So in closing - I found the total opposite of what I thought.

Duchie

Peace Out (lol)

[gorj]

i just wanted to say that i was prepared for the worst - but it DID get worse after the meeting.... you expect to get a "welcome home honey" or a slammed door in your face... but in the reality, it is much more complicated dealing with these women.

on the issue of the person who found their Bmother in poverty- I too found the same - and my brothers all junkies- its hard - because you want to help, but what can you do?!!!

Nobody went through pain after my birth.... I wasnt adopted to give me "a better start in life" or "a better home"...in fact she had had two children before me and dumped them too.

She abandoned me because she hated me, the truth I found out through social work records of fone calls made to doctors, and hospitals. She still does hate me. Thats the hardest bit. Inside It makes me feel like im wrong.

Mayb if I was given up at 6wks I could feel like she had the right intentions...personally I cant understand why ANYONE would choose adoption, I feel like a "late abortion".

thanks for reading )

gorj

abandoned at 6mnths
adopted by foster parents at 5 yrs

[Teana]

Dear Gorj,

I understand the pain that you feel. I was also left when I was a six month old baby. It was very difficult for me growing up, and not understanding how my mother could have left me. Like yourself, I often asked myself "what is wrong with me?"

There is one thing that I have learned through my experience, and it has helped me very much.

I am not the reason why my mother left me.
You are not the reason your mother left you, either.

I had to come to the realization that my biological mother is a human being with weaknesses and faults just like everyone else. She had major emotional problems that affected her decisions and she lived her life in extreme poverty. That is what I chose to focus on.

Please try and consider the circumstances that your bio mom found herself in when she had to give you up. Consider any mental illness, addiction issues, or poverty as being the cause for your adoption. Sadly, SHE may have been incapable of loving anyone. Please focus outward- not inward. I am sure that you are a lovely person. :-]

I hope this makes sense.
Take care,
Tina

[l-thompson]

I have recently been reunited with not only my birthmother but birthfather and three full siblings - I had been actively searching for 7 years. Not an easy task as my adopted family immigrated to NewZealand when I was 7 and I my adoption took place in Canada. Did my birthparents turn out to be everything I dreamed? - I am not sure if I really had any expectations at all. I know I now have my questions answered and I also know I was relinquished because they loved me not because they didn't. Funny really, as all through the years I thought they didn't care - afterall they had given their babay away. We have been reunited for over 6 months now and in July I travelled from NewZealand to Canada to reunite. My birthmother and birthfather eventually married and went on to have three children ( wow! full blood siblings) My new family are wonderful, I feel incredibly blessed - I just wish we lived closer as I only had ten short days to get to meet them and try and catch up on 40 years.

[gorj]

the problem is...I AM the reason she abandoned me....she hated me, and still does.... even tho i realise as an adult, that I am not to blame for her hating me, it is very disturbing having her do so !

Please dont think i must have dones omething to upset her...this is just her ! She ended up being prosecuted for abandoning me, another reason to hate me she says !

i do focus on the impprtant things in life, i am happy, with a family of my own now.
Would you put up witht this woman, she treats my kids with the upmost love and affection????... would you put up with this for some Bio contact from their grandma/grandpa?
I find it impossible to deal with the constant rejection, yet as it's only me she hates, she loves my kids !

So can WE trace...then reject them?

*thanks for your nice wishes*
* im not as hurt as i sound !*

gorj

OK, When I first saw this thread I read it and understood what you were asking. But a part of me felt very uncomfortable with the question. As a child I often fantazied about my bmom...I would relay my fantieses to my mom. She would just smile and say Oh really! As a child I had my bmom pegged as an american Indian women, princess, cowgirl....my mom let me have these fantasies, I think she understood that I needed to "dream". Man, the older I get i realize how wise and wonderful she was....of course I didn't think so as a teen or young adult!! As I became older I realized that the circumstances of my birth may not have been so wonderful. I knew I was in foster care for 2 years, I knew it wasn't a scared teen who found herself pregnanat. I didn't have any info yet...I just knew. My brother was placed at 10 days old...I an asssuming that his situation was one of a teen with no other choices. In my mind, I found that teen situation much easier to accept...it meant that he WAS loved and placed lovingly. I felt that was better. My brother, as an adult, probuly has the most problems out of the 4 of us that were adopted. He makes comments like "I don't want to find her...who cares."..ect. He has no desire to search his bmom.

Getting back to why I feel uncomfortable with the question. Are you asking did our expectations equal our reality.? I feel to expect perfection, or finding a women with no problems, or someone that will just open there arms to us, or have no issues is expecting to much! Our birth parents are only human, they are dealing with life also. To have any measure of "what they should be" is wrong. There are no perfect situations, and for us to expect or even hope or it, in my opinion, is setting yourself up for disapointment. Not only will you be disappointed but it puts birthparents on the defensive. I don't believe thats conducive for a successful reunion...

I think what I am looking for is for my birthmom to say(of course she can't now..she has died), "I screwed up, I had you but was not ready to parent you, I only wanted what was best for you and I am glad you had such good parents". I also want to hear" I could have parented you later in my life but if I waited to place you it would not have helped you...." I know she screwed up...she was rather "wild" for her time...hehe..who cares. I am not going to judge that, she was a product of her family also. The point is she was human and for us as adoptees to expect anything more is unreasonable.

Donna

[Seeking_Answers]

No.

I expected to find a horrible BFather who never thought of me or cared about me. Who would tell me to get lost. I had been angry at him growing up to the point of hating him at times. But it really wasn't hate, it was pure disappointment. I expected to find a cold and horrible man. Why? Cause he had abandoned me and my mother before i was born. How could it be a nice person i would find? He had never tried to contact me therefore he must not have cared for me.

I found a well spoken, nice man who showed emotion and sorrow. Who wished he could turn time back. I didn't want time turned back or sorrow. He said all the right words and was great for th first two months. Then i dunno what happened but he distanced himself and again i think he doesn't care about me and the novelty value disappeared.

I had no expectations, i expected the worst. I certainly didn't get the worst. He seemed like a nice man. Just wish i knew him more

[cbbear27]

I have no expectations either of my birth family. It was actually ok. I found out that my birth sister was looking for me and she went to my highschool and we were in classes together. How crazy is that??? It was weird meeting her as my sister due to I have always known her as an old school classmate. I do know that I feel very lucky to have been adopted because I have always had whatever I wanted in life however there was always this void. I always wanted to know in the back of my mind why i was given up. I always felt unwanted growin up by my birth family.

Come to find out it was the exact opposite. My bmother was 15 when she had mysister and got pregnant with me 4 months later. (we both have the same father so we are blood sisters) She could not take care of 2 of us and our bfather was not around to help her. That is why i was given up. She thought about me for 28 years. (everyday sense I was born). Now almost 30 years later we have met and I feel such an overwhelming closeness to her. She is great. She had worked hard all her life to have what she has and I commend her. I am lucky that god has blessed me with meeting my birth family. It answered a lot of questions.