[sspete]

Hi All......After searching a short time and finding my bdaughter after 19 years of waiting the feelings I felt were incredible!!!!! My heart felt so much peace and joy just knowing she was doing very well!!!!! Knowing that she was a healthy 19 year old who was a college student, a very good Christian, who had many friends, and was VERY well adjusted thrilled me more than words can say!!!! I also had some saddness, because of my inability to know her ALL these years!!!! I really did mourn that all over again!!! My heart however is healing in more ways than I can describe just knowing who she is, and how she is!!!!

My Question to Everyone is.......What is the one thing your are glad you know about either your bfamily or your bchild???? Did You learn some valuable information about your genetic history?? What is the one thing you regret learning about your biological family???

Thanks All for your Valuable Input.....It is Great learning from each other!!!!

S Pete

[sal]

I'm a reunited adoptee for 2 years now with my bmom and her family....siblings and extended. The BEST thing that I learned in my very first phone call was.....that my bmom would have done almost ANYTHING to be able to keep me.....and that she thought about me everyday......never forgot me.......always grieved for me on my birthday......and wished that I would find her. If only I'd have known.......I would have searched much sooner......I was 48. We have developed a close relationship.....I've finally learned what medical history answers to put on those forms at the doctor's office........instead of writing......Adopted....don't know... Congratulations on your reunion.....hope it continues to go well.....sal

[sspete]

Thanks Sal for your reply......I am SO happy for you and all the great info you found out!!!! Thank goodness your relationship has grown close.....boy, do I have my fingers crossed for that one in my reunion!!!! Thanks for the well wishes......everything seems to be going well!!!!

S Pete

[snuffie]

Hi

I cannot begin to name just one thing that is most important that i have learned in my reunion. Just some of the few -
I learned my bmom always thought about me, I learned where I got most of my mannerisms, I learned that I love all of my brothers and sisters as if I had been raised with them.
I learned that I can love my adopted family and my bfamily. there is room for all.
Hugs
Snuffie

[holiday]

I am learning so much from this reunion! My birth daughter is such a great person and after we had a "cool" start I found her adoptive parents were making her feel guilty because of me. I wrote her mom and dad and now she feels so much better even though I never heard back from them at all. After a period of not emailing I finally wrote out of desperation and here she was thinking about me everyday too! She felt we had this "incredible bond" . Her words ended all my fears that I would be but nothing but a dysfunctional left over from her past. I guess I never put away those years of feeling ashamed. I learned alot about how I hid all these feeling and were really just still carrying them around with me..the shame guilt and fear I had with my family then was still affecting me and my life goals. Above all I dont feel like such a bad person anymore.

[dl]

I have recently been exchanging letters with my bfather. I have learned that the feelings of the bfather are, at least in my case and a few others I have read about on the forum, underestimated. I have learned that I was not just casually left at the hospital. He wrote that "as much as it hurt, he had to let me go". While this makes me feel sad for him, it was reassuring to me and made me feel better to KNOW that someone did care, prior to my aparents 13 months later.

It was an absolute thrill to look at a picture of someone that I resembled. As this is just the beginning of exchanging letters, I hope to learn much more.

[debsdone]

Reunion is a trip! I am learning things I wasn't even aware of not knowing. Mostly, I am learning patience. And diversity. This new family of mine is different than anyone I am currently involved with. It's frustrating to me because I am so spoiled and used to immediate gratification. It is MUCH slower in my birthfamily. After not hearing from my sister in the, almost, 6 weeks since my visit, I had concluded she didn't like me. The letter I was composing in my head always began with how I missed her. And then a lengthy explanation of how I could possibly say I missed someone I hardly know. Then I would feel foolish and simply not write. So yesterday I returned home to a message from my sister! (I had sent long distance phone cards) She said hello, she loved me and she missed me! I have been crying on and off since. I am absolutely shocked to have to truly admit how much this means to me. I don't understand it, but I can't deny it. I believe there are many more lessons this reunion will teach me. I sure hope I'm up to it! Love, Debi

[sspete]

Deb.....That is Great News about your sister !!!! How exciting!!!

Snuffie....I Loved your comment about Loving both families, you are right...There IS room for ALL!! I wish EVERYONE had this attitude!!!! There is no room for jealousy when it comes to LOVE!!!

Dlouis....I think you are right....bfathers feelings are sometimes discounted!!!! Some are VERY affected by losing a child to adoption!!

Holiday....Congratulations on a successful reunion!!!! Thanks goodness you and your bdaughter are progressing well!!!

[Duchie]

Hi sspete -

I've learned and continue to learn new things each time we talk since our reunion almost 3 years ago.

Some things I wish would have been left unsaid, but for the most part I've learned some valuable things as well.

The medical information was really important for me. Like someone said in an earlier post - answering the doctors questions became easier and less of a hassle for me. Knowing what may happen or not happen makes a huge difference to an adoptee.

Hearing the words that my bmom had no choice made me feel good. Although I heard that since day one of learning about my adoption. My aparents were very honest with me and I think that also makes a huge difference. There is no animosity towards either side. My afamily calls my bfamily my "extended family".

Some things have happened in my bfamily that I wish I never knew about, but they don't affect me directly. Having quite a few half siblings, I find that we have our ups and downs. But that seems to be normal.

Hope all is well and enjoy.

Duchie

[dkb60]

I think what I have learned the most focuses around my own kids and my family, meaning my mom, dad and siblings. We never discussed my daughter after she was born and I just assumed they all just forgot about it. That wasn't true. When we told my dad and mom about our bdaughter finding us all he could say is now the circle is complete. So for all these years we all repressed a lot of feelings on the whole subject.

As for my own kids, we always intended to to tell them. Reunion just forced my hand a few years. I am so proud of the way they have handled this MAJOR bump in their reality. Now when my 3 girls and our bdaughter are together it is utterly amazing. It is as if they have spend their whole lives together. I am not sure that is good...some times there is more giggling than any one house should have to endure.

D.

[brown_eyed_mom]

Hi sspete,

Reunited earlier this year with my birthdaughter (now 19). Her parents initiated the search but she has always been wanting to know more...

Feelings? WOW! Initially, I was was just relieved. I was utterly relieved to know that she had a wonderful loving family that provided for her materially and emotionally. I can't describe the massive weight removed from my heart- I did what I thought was best BUT you just don't know-I cried to know all the blessings she has. My heart is filled with so much happiness.

She has met our family and hopefully will meet my parents later this year. She goes to college out of state so getting together is a challenge.

The biggest thing I learned is to be patient, go slow and don't rush. We instant messaged first, then emailed before we ever got to phone calls. All in all, things are good. Her aparents are awesome and so is she!!!! (must be genetic AND environmental!)

The learning just keeps going and I like it!

[Carol Bird]

PATIENCE! It is hard to believe that I lived more than a half century before grasping the gift of PATIENCE. Oh boy, did I learn that lesson fast!

I guess you could say I must have been harboring a trace of "patience" through the 32 long years my daughter and I were separated, but it was NOTHING compared to what was required during the first few years of reunion, and even now, as we inch close to the 18th anniversary of our reunion.

I well remember a statement my daughter made early on in our reunion that gave me pause ... " we don't have any HISTORY together yet, Carol."

It takes time and patience to build a history with your reunited loved one, but as the years pass, we reach a point where we are very comfortable with what we have.

Just be patient, and leave yourself open to the love that is bound to develop.

Hugs, Carol Bird

[arliesharpe]

I have been in reunion a very long time, since 1986. It is an ongoing process. It has been a difficult, fractured and patched back together reunion. I have learned invaluable things.

1. Some parts of my ingrained personality and interests are original to me.
2. Patience
3. If you give unconditional love and must withdraw it, that does not mean you cannot love at all.
4. Some people cannot be trusted.
5. Some people can be trusted.
6. Humility
7. Humor is an absolute necessity.
8. It's all right to let things go sometimes.
9. It is all right to be afraid but not all right to permit your fear to suck the life out of you.
10. Part of the reason your adoptive parents love your kids is they remind your parents of you when you were small. Birthparents do not have this frame of reference.
11. No one is an expert.
12. 99.9% of people who counsel adoptees have no clue what our issues are or how to deal with them and are educating themselves at our expen$e.
13. An awful lot of birthmothers are more interested in telling the adoptee their story rather than ask about the adoptee's story. Our dance card for all those years is not blank. We were somewhere and had a life.
14. Many older birthmothers will sell their soul to the devil rather than acknowledge that their adoptee exists.
15. More reunions are destroyed when the adoptee wants to know the identity of their birthfather than for any other reason.

That's enough for now...

[Sharon]

13. An awful lot of birthmothers are more interested in telling the adoptee their story rather than ask about the adoptee's story. Our dance card for all those years is not blank. We were somewhere and had a life.
14. Many older birthmothers will sell their soul to the devil rather than acknowledge that their adoptee exists. ~ arliesharpe

Exactly how many birthmothers do you have, m'dear?


~Sharon

[arliesharpe]

Well Sharon, I have one. But the remakr is not based entirely on my own experience. I have been a frequent speaker at adoption conferences across the U.S. and have written three books on the subject.