[Zoltan]

Well, I know who my birthfather is, and I initiated contact a couple of years back. I sent him a letter marked confidential, and he sent me an email back telling me about himself and his family. I responded, and he responded back, but this time he asked that we wait another year to have any more contact. Well, I agreed, and I waited a year. Then it's the same story. So, I am here over a year later, wondering what I could do to let him know that I don't want to ruin his life. I just want to be able to ask him questions when I think of them and get to know him a little bit.

He told me that I have 4 half-siblings as well. If he does not want any type of contact, I would love to have some type of contact with any of them. Two of them are legally adults; one is nearly out of college. Yet, I wouldn't want to contact them without his permission. One of his reasons for delaying contact was his children. He doesn't want them to know what he did 27 years ago. You see, he had a lot of trouble after my birth, trouble that he didn't get over until he found God.

But I have a right, I feel, to attempt contact with those related to me. If he does not want contact, do I have a right to contact my half-siblings that are adult? How long should I wait with the hope that he will come around? Is there anything I can say to him that would help put him at ease? I do not want to ruin my chances of being able to contact any of my birthfamily.

My birthmother is a little stand-offish about contact or telling other family members about the adoption, but she has been very nice to me and communicative, so I have no complaints. And I do not feel I have ruined her life, even though the contact probably brought up some unpleasant emotions for her. I think she feels a sense of duty to talk to me, and I have given her every indication that I will respect her boundaries completely and give her space when she needs it. How can I get my birthfather to behave the same way? To understand the way I feel? Is it a lost cause? Have I gotten so close only to find reunion was a mirage?

I just want as many perspectives as I can get on this. My friends try to help, but they don't really know where I am coming from. Honestly, I will make the final decision myself, but I am old enough to know that it is hard to make the right decision on personally-emotional issues without a lot of input from others. Thank you in advance for your time.

Zoltan

[Jackiejdajda]

> So, I am here over a year later, wondering what I could do to let him know that I don't want to ruin his life. I just want to be able to ask him questions when I think of them and get to know him a little bit.


I say accept what you can not change and keep in friendly contact.

He may change a few years down the road..

Some reunions take many years to work themselves out.. I am told.

Jackie.. birth mom three years into reunion.

[nicolebrooks]

Hi Zoltan,
I'm 28 and just recently initiated a reunion with my BF BS's and wish I hadn't been so scared prior. Often, I questioned the legitamacy of my reasons, was I being selfish/riduculous/disruptive?. I realize now that I was being human and most importantly myself.
You sound like a strong woman who needs validation for questions only your BF can provide or perhaps your half sibilings, there is nothing wrong with that.

Whether your life is something that happens to you or you take charge and steer your life according to your preferences is generally a trait that your father figure has a major influence in.

Why did you wait a year?

Why do you feel you would ruin his life?

In my opinion, it is extremely selfish and hypocritical that he has denied you. I understand why you may hesitate to push it, in fear he may reject you even futher. I bet if he looked you in the eyes his heart would open.

It's hard to be 28 and want to cry like a baby when you feel so much older than that. When I got off the plane in my BF home state my heart raced. I found the first bathroom, locked myself in the last stall and cried for like 45minutes - that was the first time i cried over him - what a relief!

It may help to assure him that you are not mad and simply want to build a more positive and open relationship with him. You want to get the most out of life and feel he his a part of you that is such an unknown.

PS - Meeting my half bro and sis is such a blessing, I love them.

[Seeking_Answers]

I have recently contact my birthfather. I was terrified of rejection, i also had some other negative emotions regarding him that i had to get over and it took me until last year to let the past go. I was actually afraid of him even though i knew nothing about him only that he was married which i found out in my mid teens. I was afraid also of disrupting his life. I did not know if there were any children from the marriage and i was sure he wanted nothing to do with me as he knew exactly where i lived (raised with my mothers parents and he had been at my home numerous times before i was born). I felt unwanted and felt i was a part of his life he had chawked down to better luck next time. I was hesitant to make any contact. You have EVERY right to know your roots and he has no reason to prevent you from doing so. He has to face up to the past and let you get answers you may have about the past so you can move on with YOUR future with less questions. You deserve peace of mind and i personally feel thats something he should provide.

I do not know about contacting your siblings. Maybe that would open a whole new can of worms. But maybe it's something you need to do. You have to do what you feel is right in your heart.

Our reunion is not without it's problems. It is still very early stages. Also as he has no other children i think he finds it a bit hard to relate to someone my age and doesn't understand some of the needs and feelings i have. I am on a high - low. He is on a high - high and see's no lows in this reunion. He doesn't seem to understand my insecurity and that i think he is going to disappear out of my life again.

You follow your heart and do what you need to do to make your present better and your future even greater. Make no apologies for your actions as your actions are not intended to be spiteful or hurtful but mere peace of mind and a probably a sense of closure for yourself. Your actions should be viewed for what they are - someone looking for their heritage, answers to a past/biological family that has been a mystery and probably something thought about countless times over years.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

[tlee70]

Our reunion is not without it's problems. It is still very early stages (3 months). Also as he has no other children i think he finds it a bit hard to relate to someone my age and doesn't understand some of the needs and feelings i have. I am on a high - low. He is on a high - high and see's no lows in this reunion. He doesn't seem to understand my insecurity and that i think he is going to disappear out of my life again.

Seeking answers, I could really relate to this statement. My father does have other children, but they are not my age.
I want my father to understand my insecurities as well, but he has the same attitude as your father from the sounds of it. I don't think he understands how I feel when it comes to feeling wanted. I know that alot of it is just my insecurity, but sometimes I feel the need to be reassured that he really wants me in his life. Or even sometimes I just need to talk to him about how I am feeling, but he either doesn't see my need, or he just has a hard time talking/hearing about it.

I once said to him that I thought he would get bored of me and that the "newness" would wear off. He, of course said that it wouldn't and that I would see over time that he wasn't going anywere, but that statement still doesn't ease my fears. I guess it is too much to expect proof *lol*, but I'm sure you understand to some extent that is how I feel when I'm at my "lows". I'm afraid to keep asking him for reassurance. I don't want to appear needy to him.

tlee

[Zoltan]

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. They are valued, trust me.

Jackijdajda: I wasn't very clear in my original post, I don't think. My birthdad doesn't want any contact at this point. "Friendly contact" to him is no contact at all. He makes me feel that if I attempt to talk to him that I am hurting him and his family. I do hold out that he *might* change.

nicolebrooks: I'm complimented that you think that I am a strong woman, even though I am a man! Thank you for telling me that you think there is nothing wrong with my desire to talk to my bf and his family. He makes me feel like I am an interloper. I waited a year because he asked me to and I didn't want to jeopardize future contact by being pushy. I have no idea what it feels like to be in his position, so I thought the best thing would be to respect his wishes at that point. I don't think I would ruin his life. He has made me feel like he thinks I would ruin his life. I have heard many say that he is selfish and hypocritical. I completely agree, but I am hesitant to be more forceful or to try to contact him again for fear that all hope of contact will be lost. He has seen a picture of me (and I of him and his family); I think seeing me in person would be very different, though. The only times I feel like crying are from the frustration, honestly. Talking to my birthmother, I am just happy and often just amazed that I finally know about her. I am not mad at him, but I feel like he has pushed all responsibility onto me regarding this. He didn't have a choice in my adoption at all, and I think he had problems with that (and that it somewhat alleviates his sense of responsibility towards me). Any BF's out there have any comments on this?

Seeking_Answers: Thank you for your thoughts. I hope that he will see this point of view; perhaps I can think of a way to help him know what I am feeling. I don't know what I feel is right in my heart, honestly! I do agree that contacting my siblings should be a last resort, something I do if he just refuses any more contact. I wish my birthfather was as understanding as yours. BTW my bf also feels that genetics and family heritage is overrated! He might just be saying that or rationalizing his fears that way, I admit, but it makes it doubly difficult for him to understand me.

tlee70: you know, some of the newness has died in the communication between my birthmother and myself, mainly because contact is still limited to email (not even phone). My advice: don't make it an issue until it is an issue. The fear is pushing you to try to solve a problem that isn't there yet. If the problem arises, then deal with it. You might find that the newness wears off for you as well; the future holds too many possibilities for us to prepare for each one.

Thanks again for your messages. Any other comments are really appreciated, as I have not yet come to a firm decision about what to do in my situation.

Zoltan!

[nicolebrooks]

Hey Zoltan that was TOTALLY a typo I meant strong worthy man

Maybe a few drinks would ease the intro, the anticipation is torture.


"Nothing of nonbeing comes to be,
nor does being cease to exist:
the boundary between these two
is seen by men who see reality."

the Bhagavad-gita


Good luck and take care Nicole

[NancyJo]

Wow - I have a similar situation. I have sent my bfather a letter and am waiting for a response. My bmom contacted him for me, but it sounds like he doesn't want any contact. Also because of his family and other children. Maybe I was a bit pushy or snotty in my letter, but I was angry that he didn't want contact. I want to at least see him. I have seen pictures and I look so much like him it is scary. Maybe I don't really need a real relationship with him, but I want something.
I've only been waiting a week. I can't imagine waiting more than a year....

[Zoltan]

Hi NancyJo,

Thanks for your note. It is good to know that I am not alone. It is a confusing situation to be in, and there aren't any clear-cut ways to handle things. I guess I'm waiting now in the hopes that it will pay off. If I didn't wait--and contacted by half-siblings, for example--I might ruin contact forever. Years vs. eternity seems like a good deal, although I'm not sure I shouldn't be nudging him along somehow. It would be very easy for him to just never reply, hoping that I will go along with it passively.

Have you tried sending a letter asking for medical information and/or pictures? You need the medical history anyway, so it couldn't hurt to try. Hopefully, he will at least give you that. If he does, thank him for it and give all of your contact information. Tell him exactly what you want out of contact; he may not understand why you need it. Just remember to respect him and his life; keep putting yourself in his shoes.

I'm planning on writing a long letter about myself to my birthdad, just to show him that I'm a real, human person. I'm hoping he will understand where I'm coming from then. We'll see.

Zoltan

[claudia456]

I am also an adult adoptee, I wondered about my "real"dad my entire life, there was so much I wanted to know.
I started my search for him when I was 22 years old, when I finally got his phone number I was ecstatic, I held that number for hours staring, wondering, happy, scared, you name it I went through it.
Finally I picked the phone up and dialed it, it was him on the other end, and I froze, didn't know what to say, how to start off the conversation, finally I stumbled across the wrong sentence...I straight out asked if he had sex with "so and so"and if he ever heard of me, he laughed because it just came out all wrong, but at least the ice was broken, that night I found out I had 2 half brothers, and a half sister, all whom are quite younger than myself, and he said he was positive I was his daughter, at the end of our conversation I gave him my phone number to contact me, so that in the future we might be able to meet in person, well.. a year went by and not a word, so I thought I'd try him again and open the door one more time, he changed his number, so my search began once more, another year later I finally trecked him down again through a mutual friend, I called him and left several messages expressing my interest in meeting him, he did not return one phone call, I felt so small, like I was being a nag, and trying to befriend someone who did not want me around, I wondered what was wrong with me, and yes it depressed me, I felt that it was my right to know him, at least what he looked like, after all it wasn't me who started ït", since he lived across the country from me it wasn't easy to go knock on his door, or look at him from a distance just to know, so I planned a trip back to where I was born, and off I went, I made my mind up that I was not going to tolerate being sluffed off by my own father, I set up a plan with our mutual friend who promised to get us in the same spot at the same time, it was a lot of work but it worked, even though I never seen him before nor he I, we just knew who each other was the second we laid eyes on each other, it was almost eeiry, my father and I left where we could go be alone for a while and talk and wound up talking all night into the following morning, we didn't talk much about adoption, or regrets or our own families, we just talked like two people who were getting to know each other, after that initial reunion again we didn't speak for months, and then one day out of the blue without warning, my dad was on my door step with my half siblings happier than anything to meet their big sister, we still experience difficulty in our relationship because it is so fragile, but both of us work on it bit by bit, and we've come along way in getting to know each other, and accepting the things we can not change, the more I get to know my father the more I understand that he is a reserved person, and not a typical guy under any circumstances, they do care, but I think sometimes you just have to give them a little nudge, when you know you can do it alone, I wouldn't recommend going through his other kids, know him first, even if you have to swallow your pride and confront him face to face if that's possible for you, he will bring your siblings to you in time, and beleive me it's way easier getting to know them when you are already comfortable with your father, it's someone to stand behind when things get a little scary.
I hope that my story can help you a little, I don't want you to think it's like a fairy tale, because it really isn't, it's hard, emotional, and quite character testing, you are not ruining his life, if he feels that way, it was a choice he made many years ago, and that's what life is all about is choices...
I know the waiting and wanting gets frustrating, hell...I still get really frustrated, if you feel you need to write him a letter by all means do it, but don't get to emotional the first time, some people don't take well to that, and you never know who might read it, I assure you someone will, because it will be a big deal to him whether you think so or not, and one major thing I dealt with and still deal with with my fathers family is that they all want to know what it is i want, and why after all these years do I decide to come out of no where, keep that kind of stuff in mind while writing your letter.
I hope the best for you and your Biological family.
Seek and you shall find!