[look4me]

Dear Triad Community:

I need some advice on possibly making my first contact. I am little less than confident in what exactly to do. Again, I am not sure that this is my birthmother, but, it very well could be.

I would have preferred to have made first contact with someone other than my birthmother (i.e her brother or her sister), so that I could kinda feel the situation out. And thus, this person could be there with her for support. However, her potential name and this number (which may or may not be hers) is the only info that I have been able to get.

The last thing I want to do is to shock and upset her. This is particularly difficult because I have no clue as to the circumstances of my birth and/or adoption. Per my "non-identifying information" my mother was 13 years old at the time of my birth. What would you suggest?

My first thoughts were to say that I am someone completing research and then later reveal to her who I truly am and hope that she will understand.

Another thought would be to call her, verify who she is, and then tell her who I am in the most loving and compationate way that I can.


Thanks in advance.

Help!

[doglap411]

I've lived on both sides of this adoption fence. I was adopted when I was two. I know the emptiness you feel at times. I've always felt that I didn't "belong" to anyone. Being adopted into an abusive atmosphere certainly didn't make thing any better. Multiple marriages didn't help. Nor did alcohol. During my years as a drunk I fathered a daughter who was given up for adoption. That daughter grew up with all the same questions as you and I have. She spent several years tracking me and her mother down. She was able to do so last year. I held her in my arms for the first time on her 35th birthday. I hope and pray that you are able to find both your parents, and when you do, remember that they're every bit as scared as you are - perhaps even more. So be gentle. Be kind. Be loving. And remember that you can say far more with a hug, a kiss, or a gentle touch than you'll ever be able to say with words. Next month (March) I'll be able to practice my own preaching. My daughter's actions gave me the courage to dig into my own beginnings. I found out that I actually knew my father. He's deceased now, but even so, that blank space I've carried around so long now has a name and a face in it. I had met my birth mother briefy before. I made contact with her a month ago and we've been exchanging emails since. We're meeting face to face in March.

I would encourage you not to give up your search. Even if you find them and it turns out to be the biggest disaster in the world, at least you will have some answers. But the odds are that they have spent a lot of time wondering and wondering.

I wish you well. If you feel like emailing me, please feel free to do so at doglap411@excite.com

Good luck!!!