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Originally Posted By Erica

How come no one ever talks about the incredible amounts of money adoptive parents spend to adopt? You have to really pay a lot of money to lawyers and agencies. Believe me, it would be nice to get pregnant for free. I'm not being rude or insensitive I'm just confused by the whole process and starting to feel sorry for myself and ripped off by my own experiences so far with adoption. Thank you all for listening. This message board is indeed a good friend to me these days.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By AMAZED

I WAS WONDERING THAT MYSELF... MY HUBBY AND I ARE APPROACHING THE END OF OUR ADOPTION. AND IT AMAZES ME HOW MUCH IT COSTS TO ADOPT A BABY!!!! CHANGING THE SUBJECT A LITTLE... MY OPEN ADOPTION WAS A NIGHTMARE!! OVER ALL IT ENDED UP EXACTLY THE WAY IT SHOULD HAVE. BUT THE PROCESS TO GET THERE...UHHH. I FIND MYSELF READING ALL THESE STORIES ON HERE ABOUT OPEN ADOPTION AND THERE BENEFITS AND IT MAKES FRUSTRATED. WELL MAYBE CONFUSED.. OR ENVIOUS.. I HAVE MIXED EMOTIONS ON ONE HAND I AM FOREVER GREATFUL TO OUR BMOM--CAUSE I KNOW IF IT WASN'T FOR HER WE WOULD NOT HAVE OUR PRECIOUS DAUGHTER. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND..SHE WAS NOT ONE WHO GAVE UP HER BABY PURILY FOR A BETTER HOME. SHE TRULY DID NOT WANT THE RESPONSIBILITY OF RAISING THIS CHILD ..SHE WOULD CUT INTO HER SOCIAL LIFE.. AND MIND YOU THIS IS THE 2ND CHILD SHE HAS GIVEN UP FOR ADOPTION. SO WHICH ROAD DO I TAKE. I HAVE ULTIMATELY DECIDED OF COURSE SHE WILL KNOW SHE WAS ADOPTED.. AND THROUGH OUT HER LIFE MAY SEE HER BMOM. BUT AM I BEING SELFISH TO BE CONCERNED OF HER BMOM ROLE IN HER LIFE. HELP!!! AT ONE POINT SHE SUGGESTED SHE MAY FIND A PLACE TO LIVE BY US...MAYBE EVEN NEXT DOOR...SO BASICALLY SHE IS LOOKING FOR US TO BE A NANNY TO HER CHILD!!!!

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Linny

Dear Amazed:
Your post is one that I fear may bring 'reality' to the open adoption issues.
We have adopted six times....none of these has been 'open'; however in our most recent adoption (and not our last, God willing), we agreed to send photos to birthmom through our agency (and only for the first couple of years). This is plenty for us.
What you describe in your 'open' adoption, seems to be exactly what I fear in that we would not be the 'parents', but the 'temporary parents' or 'nanny' as you say.
I have a hard time thinking this 'open-ness' in raising a child is good for the child; or that most birthmom/bf's could keep a respectful distance and allow the adoptive parents to truly be the parents. Guess I have seen too many meddling in 'step-parent situations' (especially when the child becomes a teen), to think that most bios could do the 'right thing'.
In our case, I don't think the birthmom is awful; but, like you, we know she didn't want this child....she wanted to abort (but she was too far along).....and while I feel she did a marvelous thing-------I don't intend to 'glamorize' it either.
When our child is older and wishes to search, we would support this. But a relationship with an adult is much different than with a juvenile or small child.
If I'm way off base here.....someone tell me 'why'....other than, "We birthed this child, so rightfully, it will always be ours" kind of thing.

Sincerely,

Linny

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Sean

If your already not comfortable with the situation, than you should not adopt this particular womans baby. Maybe you should go with a closed or international adoption so you won't have to deal with the Mom. Don't just pay this Mom lip service to get her baby. Sounds like shes making long term plans based on your willingness to be open. So be prepared to stick to your commitments otherwise you are going to live in fear and risk losing your adult child when he/she reunites in the future. My mother sent me a letter every year on my birthday (My adoptive parents told her she could) and they were all returned to sender. I just found her and my younger siblings after 23 years. It makes mad because I could have known them all before and now I know my parents are liars. At least she saved the letters so I can read them now.

Thanks,

Sean

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Originally Posted By Laura

If you CHOOSE to parent through adoption, than spending that money is your CHOICE and you should not complain about it. There is no law that says you HAVE to parent, so if you CHOOSE to go that route, prepare to sacrifice. God knows your birthmother has to. Is that why Adoptive mothers hate birthmothers so much? Because we can get pregnant (for free??) and you cant? Thanks Erica. At least your honest about it. But reliquishing a child is far more "costly". I'd trade my lifetime of pain and suffering for your attorney/agency fees ANY DAY!

[Archive]

Originally Posted By birthmom Jamie

I agree .Maybe this birthmother is not the right match for you. She wants more openness than you are comfy with. let her pick someone that is willing to except the openness level & except her.

[Archive]

Amen to that, Laura!!!

[Archive]

Originally Posted By A Birthmother

I totally agree with you Laura, I just read a post under Adoptive Mothers Stories (Share you Story) a poster wants to know why Birthmothers are so looked down on and resented, maybe I now know, we can get pregnant for free.

[msallen]

Hi,
I saw all of your adoption stories and thought maybe someone could help! My husband and I are trying to adopt. We are stationed in Washington state and want to adopt from here before we get moved elsewhere. In this state the birth mother only has 2 days in which to change her mind, so that is a big deal to me. The total cost is $17,000 for this open adoption. We have only been married for 3 years. We are a military family and have no collateral to put up for a loan. How do we come up with this money? Can anyone please share their money story with me? I don't know where to go or what to do. Our families cannot help us. There is a $10,000 tax break that we would get back next year, but I am desperate to know how to come up with the $17,000 to begin with! Any help appreciated!

Sincerely,

Stephanie Allen

[tobeafamily]

We were a military family as well when we adopted Ryan (DH is now retired military). Here are some of the things we did:

1. Asked friends and family to give us contributions to our 'baby fund' in lieu of gifts at Christmas and birthdays. Got lots of outright contributions from them as they all wanted us to be parents.

2. Had garage sales and told everyone who came that we were raising funds for an adoption. Got lots of 'keep the change' and a few outright contributions.

3. Sold stuff on eBay and put in the listing that we were raising funds.

4. Looked at our budget and 'cut' a few things out - trips, eating at expensive restaurants, etc.

5. We've heard of others who've made money through homeshows like Homemade Gourmet, Pampered Chef, Mary Kay, etc. Have to get the distributor to give you $$ though instead of discounts, etc.

Also have heard of people holding spaghetti dinners, car washes, etc. with friends to raise money.

Our total expenses were $14K, though we didn't pay that out all at once - biggest check was $2300 to an attorney for finalization. You may also be able to get a $2000 reimbursement from the military post finalization.

HTH, best of luck,

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas