[Archive]

Originally Posted By j an a mom

We have two children that are adopted. Our seven year old was adopted through an open, domestic adoption. Our four year old was adopted internationally last year.

My question is about our daughter. For the first few years we met with one birthparent or the other. They were together and have a child together but I don't feel either of them are very stable as far as relationships, jobs, etc. I did and do feel though that it is important to maintain connections for our daughter's sake. (Also plan on making a trip back to our son's homeland when he's older and hope to make contact with his bmom) Even though she "knows" she's adopted, she still talks about coming from my tummy. I even wrote a book for her when she was a baby about her adoption and we read it occasionally. My problem, have any of you faced birthparents who dropped out of your life (I know you have......I also know it's typical that if they do drop contact, that it's around the third year) and how did you handle that with your kids? I do have ongoing contact with one of the birthgrandparents.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By a mom

Yes this has happened to us. My daughter was 2 1/2 when the bmom quit contact. The last time I talked to her she was going to send pictures and an address and phone number as she had moved. I never received anything and nobody knows where she has gone including her mother. That was over a year ago. I have offered a relationship to the birthgrandma and she has told me no. I don't have any idea why the bmom has done this and I keep thinking we'll hear from her someday. She is in poor health and chooses a unsafe lifestyle and I just hope she is ok. My daughter tells me she came from my tummy too and she knows the word adoption and a brief meaning I have a c-section scar and she says thats where she came from. I have been in contact with a 40 year old adoptee that I met on this site and she has given me advice and insight into adoption from her point. She says the most important thing is to love your child and always let them know you are there for them. The same way I raise my bio children! If they want to search it is curiosity and nothing against the parents.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By otown

You know there are birthparents like my child has that could give a flip what happens to him. Many of us clean up after people that are to lazy to use birth control and do not want to parent. Having children means nothing as long as they know someone else will take them. The children suffer if they end up in foster care and then being adopted after years of abuse or being put in one home after another. The children that are adopted as newborns are far better off and stand a much better chance at a good life. I know there are caring birthparents that want the best for their children. Our situation doesn't happen to be one of them! It's not pretty for alot of our children. Bless those that care and love these babies.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By amomtot

I agree!

[Archive]

Originally Posted By j anamom

Thanks for the replies. I agree, there are some birthparents who think moving on means letting go. Fortunately, some think otherwise. I remember before adopting about being afraid of too much interaction with our child's bparents and now, I'd be happy to have any. My heart hurts because our daughter has a birthbrother and I hear his life is just full of upheaval. It's going to be sad (probably....hope my projections are wrong) when they grow up to see the major differences in their lives based on how they grew up. By the way, my daughter came from a "ukus". The things they say and how they say them just crack me up.

[Tmaz]

I am a birthmother and my son is 5 years old. I lived in B.C. at the time of adoption and am now in Ontario. I have been slowly letting go over the last couple years, but it's not that I necessarily want to. It's just that I feel as though I may be an intrusion on a family and essentially there is a fear of what will happen as my son gets older. My worst fear is that the open adoption does not work out. I want the adoptive parents to feel as much as possible that I am not a threat yet feel as though by keeping in touch (visiting) that I will be inadvertently doing this. I probably should write and explain this to them so they don't think like I have been reading: that we don't give a **** and are walking away. I could be wrong about other parents but maybe it would help if you wrote and asked these parents what's up.