[Amilynn22]

I don't even know what to say. I found out today that my daughter's bmom is pregnant again. My daughter isn't even 4 months old! I am so angry with her that I could scream. What in the hell am I supposed to tell my daughter when she is older?? Her bmom fed us all this BS about not being ready to parent, wanting to finish college and then start a family and now I think every bit of it was lies!! I think she liked all the attention she got while being pregnant and now wants more! The person she told said that she was all non-chalant about it, and even acted a little excited. My soul aches for my daughter and what this will mean to her when she is old enough to understand it. Just 4 months ago, she handed us her baby girl bc she wasn't ready to parent and now 5 minutes later she is?? I know she chose not to parent but she led us to believe that she was placing her out of love but she didn't even STOP to think about DD when she was irresponsible for the second time!!! Once I can understand, but twice???!!!???? I can't stand this and she doesn't even know that I know! I am so mad!!!

[kakuehl]

I was in college when I gave birth and placed my son. What I wasn't prepared for was the deep need I had to fill my empty arms. I ached with that need. admittedly, I did the "correct" thing and waited until I was married for a couple years so that the son I raised is almost 4 years younger than the son I placed, but it was a very different era. I wouldn't assume that she was lying about loving her child and not being ready to parent. My first thought would be that she didn't expect the pain and grief she would experience after the adoption. That may not be the case with her, I can only speak out of my own experience.

[BrandyHagz]

I think that you need to take a step back and bit and really think about this. You're assuming that your daughter will have an issue with this, when the reality is, you have no idea how she'll feel about it.

You're allowing something that has a 50/50 chance at happening cloud what you're thinking...

Are you prepared to potentially damage a long term relationship you and your daughter could have with her birth mother (and sibling) based on what *might* happen?

I'm adopted - I was raised in open adoption...I've never asked my birth mother why she placed me - more importantly, I never cared why she placed me and parented her son. I realized that not all adopted people feel the same way about things that I do...but to be frank, I assume she had a good reason to go through the process of placing me while making the decision to parent...I don't assume that there is something 'wrong' with me because of that decision...

I can totally understand your knee jerk reaction, I can! But I think you need to worry more about the 'now' and deal with the future when it comes...this may or may not be an issue in your situation...

In your mind, what would have been an acceptable amount of time between the birth of your daughter and a 2nd pregnancy?

[Jensboys]

My girls are 10 months and 10 days apart in age. Their mother was pregnant almost the INSTANT she could be again - stuff happens. Birth control fails. Emotions get carried away. Things happen.

What your role is, is to support your daughter and be a friend to her mother. It is NOT our job as adoptive parents to judge, criticize, offer advice or otherwise parent our kids biological parents. Its ok to be be sad or disappointed - and its ok to vent away from her to someone you know will keep your upset private - but its NOT ok to share that with her!

And think - your daughter is going to have a sibling! This is a great thing and really could bring your child FAR more joy than pain in life. Really, my girls are incredibly close

[musemoon]

Maybe she didn't expect the pain and loss that adoption creates...maybe she has decided she can parent and wants the chance. And I am speaking from an adoptive mother's point of view, be blessed you have a child and she gave birth to that child. Outside of that experience, release your anger and just let yourself feel blessed. When it comes time to discuss adoption with your child you can always frame your love and desire for her to be in your family as the beauty that her presence in your life creates. As time goes on you can address the pain and sadness her birth mother felt and the reason why she parented the second child. I do know, from knowing other birth mothers a decision to place a child is NEVER a decision NOT to love them. Rather the opposite.

Breathe...love...be grateful!

[KLL08]

I'm so sorry you are so frustrated and hurt by this. I think some of the previous posters may be correct...maybe it was birth control not working or the incredible loss she is feeling.

While it's not quite the same, we found out our DD's birthfather has created 2 younger siblings for S and abandoned both of those expectant moms as well and DD isn't even 1 yet! I was hurt and angry. I look at our beautiful baby girl and I can't imagine how he never cared for her, he abandoned her first mom during her pregnancy and never once has come to check on either of them. We only found out because her first mom ran into his mother at a store last month. She has 2 little sisters we will never know and I ache for her. That one day we will have to tell her that she has other siblings that we don't know even though she knows her older ones. I hope when that day comes my hurt and anger towards him will have subsided so that she doesn't see it and so I can support her in however she feels about it.

I hope as time goes on you will feel a little better about this situation too.

[jp4ga]

We are in a similiar situation. While it disappoints me that DD's bmom is having another baby so quickly with a person who beat her senseless while she was pregant before her decisions to have another child was none of my business. All I can do is love my DD and do my best to answer questions if and when they come up later in life.

[kara05kara]

On a different note, our second son's Birthmom made an adoption plan for him, but is parenting his 5 older siblings. She has decided to have a closed adoption, but will accept pics and letters we send her. We will never know why our son's Birthmom decided she couldn't parent him. It seems to us that adding that 6th child shouldn't have been the tipping point, but for her it was. How will we explain it to him? We don't know yet. Will he ever get to meet his 5 siblings? Probably not. As his adoptive parents we just don't have all the answers. Sounds like you won't have all the answers either. I don't think you should stress over it.

One thing I was thinking, and please, I don't want to offend, but are you maybe a little angry because it's "easy" for her to become pregnant? I know that sometimes I get irritated with other people just because they are so fertile and don't realize what a gift that is.

Natalie

[Amilynn22]

I am definitely not mad because she is fertile bc I am perfectly capable of having bio-children. This situation just happened to present itself before we could even try. DD's bmom sought us out....we weren't even looking to adopt. I'm adopted myself and so I jumped at the opportunity considering I am such a "believer" in adoption.

I found out tonight that DD's bmom had a miscarriage last night, although we are not sure what to believe at this point. All I know is that it's an preview of what's to come if her past behavior is any indication.

Please do not think I am glad that she had a miscarriage...I wouldn't wish that on anyone! At this point, I don't know what to think or believe!

[belleinblue1978]

Natalie,

I'm in exactly the same situation as your child. I'm the youngest of six siblings (full siblings) and the only one placed for adoption.

I of course grew up in the day of closed adoptions and so I didn't know much. Later on I did find out a lot about the circumstances surrounding my placement and I can understand why my first mom made the choices she did.

As for meeting siblings.... I've met one of my siblings, who didn't even know I existed until he was 24 and I was 23, so it is a possibility.

[zempagirl]

Our son was 10 months old when his birthmom got pregnant again. Even though the circumstances were diffrent this time in that she was with the father of her child it didn;t stop me from being scared and thinking about how I was going to explain this to our son as he grows up. I know our birthmom was quite uposet when she found out she was pregnant and was very worried about what our dear little son would think as he grew older. even though he is only 3 he knows that he has a younger brother and that he can always ask our bmom about his brother. In some ways you have to let go of your feelings and just concentrate solely on explaining things to your child in a way that triggers questions. Though I feel your pain and totally understand your feelings, but we can only control the lives we have and not the others around us. I wish you luck and I hope once you have time to process your feelings that you can talk to your bmom or even reach out to your agency for support. Good luck!!!

[Amilynn22]

Thanks for all the advice and support. I've had some time to think about things and have calmed down since my original post! I haven't spoken to my DD's bmom yet (about the situation) but do plan to at some point bc I feel a bit lied to which bothers me alot. The reason I feel this way is because she told everyone I know about her situation but has yet to tell me. I know that technically it's none of my business but I have spoken to her several times just in casual conversation and she keeps omitting that part. For instance, she told me she was going to the doctor because she hadn't been sleeping well but then told my mom that she was at her OBGYN to follow up bc of the miscarriage. Why lie?? I just wish she could be honest with me. My mom said she was talking to her like all of it was no big deal and said that bmom said her "worst fear" came true when she had the miscarriage.

I don't know what to think! Sadly, I don't think she realizes the consequences of her actions. We had the talk about what we would tell DD when she was old enough to understand and she was very specific that she wanted DD to know that she didn't feel ready to be a good parent and that she wanted her to have stability. I can't exactly tell DD that considering it's not true apparently. I have no desire to judge DD's bmom as she has every right to live her life how she pleases but I DO feel the need to remind her that her actions will directly affect DD whether she likes it or not. I want to remind her that we promised each other total honesty at the beginning of this and that if she can't be honest with me then it is going to be very hard to trust her in the future.

Just some thoughts and I am not planning on acting on anything anytime soon until I really figure out what's the best way to handle it.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Amilynn22

I haven't spoken to my DD's bmom yet (about the situation) but do plan to at some point bc I feel a bit lied to which bothers me alot. The reason I feel this way is because she told everyone I know about her situation but has yet to tell me.

Maybe she didn't tell you because she some idea of how you would respond.

Originally Posted by Amilynn22

I don't know what to think! Sadly, I don't think she realizes the consequences of her actions. We had the talk about what we would tell DD when she was old enough to understand and she was very specific that she wanted DD to know that she didn't feel ready to be a good parent and that she wanted her to have stability. I can't exactly tell DD that considering it's not true apparently. I have no desire to judge DD's bmom as she has every right to live her life how she pleases but I DO feel the need to remind her that her actions will directly affect DD whether she likes it or not. I

How do you know it's not true? Maybe she does feel like she can be a good parent now. You say you have no desire to judge her actions but your post drips of judgment. I would focus more on understanding her experience and her heart rather than on judging her actions.

You are also assuming that your daughter will be devastated by this. The original explanation stands. She felt at the time your daughter was born that she would not be a good parent. Now she feels otherwise. While you may not understand how this can be true, it does not mean your daughter will not understand it.

As far as being honest with each other? It goes both ways. Right now you are not talking to her about it either. While you might not feel it is your place, you can bring it up to her. I do hope that when you do talk about it it will be with compassion.

[paigeturner]

I have to agree with everything Brenda has stated. Your daughter’s first mom might need to avoid judgment from you in order to build her self esteem and move forward. I think it’s impossible for people who haven’t lived the experience of relinquishment to fully understand that for many of us it is the catalyst for a life-change. While the decision to parent is also a life changing event, the choice to place a child forever changes the way we see ourselves and the way society views us. Many of us live our lives in an attempt to prove that we are not “one of those women”.

I believe it has been shown that many women make the choice to get pregnant again in a fairly short period of time after the relinquishment of a child. I gave birth to my oldest parented daughter 21 months after the birth of the son I placed in adoption. Five months after I placed I had a “scare”. Looking back I think I was subconsciously trying to fill my empty arms and believe me, it wasn’t to gain attention...I’d had enough of that to last a lifetime. In fact, I hid my pregnancy from everyone but my husband for six months! I wasn’t being dishonest. I didn’t believe anyone around me could understand my joy with carrying a child who was “mine”. I didn’t want to share that joy and I also didn’t want to spoil it with the disapproval I would get from certain family members and friends who would click their tongue and wag their fingers because I got knocked up a second time without first getting married.

The one thing that makes me grateful I placed during the closed era is that I was able to rebuild my life without two more pairs of eyes watching for me to screw up again and supply judgment to those perceived screw ups. Believe me, she doesn’t need to worry about being a disappointment to you, she has enough people ready to be disappointed in her choices. Why not just enjoy being a mother and take her as she is? It will be up to her to explain her future life choices to your daughter someday.

In my experience no matter what those of us who have placed a child do with our lives, no matter how successful we are in our careers, in parenting subsequent children, in our marriages and in our contribution to our community, some can’t see beyond our choice to place a child. Just last night I was sharing a bottle of wine with my sister, listening with a sympathetic ear to her vent and worry about her adult children and their poor choices; she was reflecting on the mistakes she’d made while they were growing up and beating herself up over them. I was devastated when out-of-the-blue she turned to me and said, “At least I didn’t give any of them away. At least I have that.” It wasn’t the first time someone in my life has used that particular sword. It won’t be the last.

[Amilynn22]

I appreciate your comments, especially from you Paige. Maybe I am judging...I guess that's hard not to do when what she does affects my daughter. I definitely know the feeling of being judged if you've read one of my posts about her judging me. The difference is, I would never say what I say on here to her. This is just my place to vent my frustrations and gain perspective. If I do decide to talk to her, I would not be insensitive towards her.

Brenda: I definitely do not judge her ability to be a good parent.....my point was that she said that was her reasoning but it obviously isn't true considering she is in a worse position now then she was in July when DD was born. I'm just saying that is going to be tough to tell DD that her bmom wanted to be more stable and better equipped financially and emotionally to care for a baby and then when she asks if she was better equipped for the next one (which would have been born less than a year after DD) I would have to tell her no. It's not about her actually ability to parent. I've always told her that she will make a great mom when she is ready because she would put her children first, just like she did with DD.

I guess what I wish is that she would follow through on her word for DD's sake. She always told me that she wanted to make DD proud of her and set a good example by finishing college and making a life for herself. It's even in her social/emotional history that she filled out for the court file! Not that she couldn't do that while raising a child....it's just that when she's old enough, DD will know that that particular reasoning is bs. If she wants to do something different than what she planned that is her business but she needs to understand what consequences may lay ahead.

I truly hope that my DD doesn't care what her reasons were and is happy and feels loved by her family and bfamily. Realistically though...it very well may matter. That's all I'm trying to say.