[Amilynn22]

Just wondering if other parents in open adoption have ever experienced this...

My daughter is only 8 weeks old and so far our relationship with her bfamily has been great. I've only had one little nagging problem. Everytime she comes for a visit, which is pretty regularly, she asks all kinds of questions about DD. I don't think anything of it usually especially since it's about general things like her developmental milestones or personality. Yesterday, when she came for visit though, I got a little bit upset. I didn't say anything to her of course. We were talking about Halloween and I mentioned that I had bought DD a Piglet costume. She made a weird face and said something to the effect of "why would you put her in that...", not quite that nasty though. This isn't the first time she has "questioned" me in a very condescending way. I try to brush it off but it is really starting to get to me. Another example is that she noticed we had changed diapers and I explained that DD's old ones were causing her to have diaper rash. Her reaction was, "OMG, she has diaper rash!?!?!?"....like I wasn't taking care of her or something. She also made a comment about the little bit of baby acne on DD's right cheek....when I told her that was normal, she said "I don't think little red dots are EVER normal". ARRRGGGHHH!

I usually just smile and change the subject but truthfully, I am TIRED of being questioned and treated as if my decisions are bad ones. I was thinking maybe it is a control issue or something?? She has always been very blunt, but this is getting ridiculous. I don't like feeling like I am always under her scrutiny. I swear...it's almost as if she "inspects" my daughter everytime she comes to see her.

Anybody else experience this?? Any advice on how to handle it?

[Magic_Hat]

I haven't experienced this but it would be hard to take. How often are you getting together? Maybe she is judging you a little and feeling like she would do things differently (better?) but it could be that that's just part of the process for her. Not to say it's not annoying! I think I'd just grit my teeth and let it go for a while and see if it gets better after a few more months. Maybe once some time goes by and she sees you are a great mom, she'll stop being so critical. If it goes on for 6 months or more, I would probably gently point out that she's being hyper critical and it's hurting your feelings and bothering you.
Good luck!

[manni28]

I would gently have a talk with her explaining how you enjoy having her see the baby and all, but you aren't comfortable with the grilling, because what you are doing is in your child's best interest. How old is the bmom? If she's young a gentle talk will do good. If she's not, having a chat about parenting decisions and boundaries should hit home. The sooner you have the "talk" the better it is for everyone.


Manni

[loveajax]

I agree with manni...if it bothers you (and it would bother me to judged like that), you need to talk about it. I have read some of your other posts and while it is great that you have a good oa, you also need to feel free to parent your daughter as you want and without guilt. (I say this because I had to have a very difficult "boundaries" talk with dd's birth mom when she was three months old...it tore me up, but I am glad I did it). Good luck!!

[txparents]

It's possible that she's overreacting to things like the diaper rash and the blemishes on the baby's face because she wants you to think that she really cares about how your daughter is developing. Or perhaps she's trying to prove to herself and/or to you that if she were parenting, she'd do a equally good job caring for the baby.

As for the costume, eh, to each his/her own. Not everyone is going to like your choice in Halloween costumes. I'd let that one go.

If something like this comes up the next time she's over, perhaps you could gently say something like, "I know you are concerned about X, but her pediatrician says this is fine, and we trust his/her judgment. We need you to trust us and our parenting abilities. As time goes on, we may make decisions that you disagree with, but we are good parents, and we would never do anything that would harm her." Or something like that.

[kara05kara]

After reading your original post, I thought "Oh yeah, this is familiar!" Our first son's Birthmom did this to me on and off throughout his first year. She was very, very young, and I attributed much of this to her age. She just didn't seem to know what was normal for a baby. Of course a baby will spit up, and get diaper rash, cry for no reason, and scratch their face with their razor sharp fingernails, etc. But she didn't know. So, every time there was any new mark on him, she questioned me accusingly. I learned to answer her with a general answer NOT related to him. (Like, "Tons of babies scratch up their faces like that because they can't control their arms quite yet...isn't that weird?!?") I found that if I took my answers away from him, and more towards babies in general, then it went better.

Also, and this was just how I felt about things, once the adoption was finalized I was more able to let things roll off my back. Things that got me irritated before really didn't bug me anymore.

Hope this gets better for you,
Natalie

[rredhead]

I have kind of a different opinion. If this were me, I probably wouldn't do visits so often so soon after the baby was born. I think all parents need time to feel like parents, and that it would be more difficult with other parents around. (I think this is true for bio parents too, with in-laws, mothers, friends, etc.) Of course, curtailing the visits could cause more problems at this point.

Definitely have a boundaries talk, as manni suggested.

Good luck!

[Amilynn22]

Thank you all for the awesome advice! I do think it's time to have a serious conversation about boundaries, so the next time she comes over I plan to talk to her about it. It will be a hard conversation but after hearing all of your experiences, I know now that it really needs to happen. Especially since I talked to her today and she was talking about visiting DD at my mom's house after I go back to work! Completely inappropriate! I kept saying, "You know, my mom is going to be really busy" but she didn't get the point.

I feel bad for saying this but I'm really scared to have this conversation before finalization. I feel like I'm with-holding which makes me feel manipulative. Should I wait?

[myheart]

Originally Posted by manni28

I would gently have a talk with her explaining how you enjoy having her see the baby and all, but you aren't comfortable with the grilling, because what you are doing is in your child's best interest. How old is the bmom? If she's young a gentle talk will do good. If she's not, having a chat about parenting decisions and boundaries should hit home. The sooner you have the "talk" the better it is for everyone.


Manni

I agree with Manni, talk , talk talk! You have an open adoption, now its time for open communication. If you do not take care of it now, it will only get worse. She will think she has the right to say what ever she wants and you will just take it. Thats not a healthy relationship, I would start by talking about mutual respect in the realtionship, what is acceptable and what is not. It may be scarry in the begining but it is needed for a healthy relationship in your futures,
God Bless and hoping for the best for the two of you !

[sbaglio]

I agree with rredhead.

[manni28]

I feel bad for saying this but I'm really scared to have this conversation before finalization. I feel like I'm with-holding which makes me feel manipulative. Should I wait?

Yes I would wait until finalization.

All the best,

Manni

[Magic_Hat]

I said wait in my previous post since it was so early in the relationship, maybe she was having a hard time letting go and it would work itself out but I wouldn't wait until finalization. It's not like you are going to have this honest, open conversation and she will then take the baby back.

If she is planning to visit your DD while at daycare (grandma's), and possibly criticize how your mom is caring for the baby, I think maybe the talk should happen now. I'd be gentle but firm. Let her know it's been bothering you a lot but you didn't want to upset her but you are getting resentful, etc. Hopefully she will be receptive to what you are saying. Like everyone else said, good boundaries are so important. Good luck!

[myForeverkids3]

Originally Posted by rredhead

I have kind of a different opinion. If this were me, I probably wouldn't do visits so often so soon after the baby was born. I think all parents need time to feel like parents, and that it would be more difficult with other parents around. (I think this is true for bio parents too, with in-laws, mothers, friends, etc.) Of course, curtailing the visits could cause more problems at this point.

Definitely have a boundaries talk, as manni suggested.

Good luck!

ok this is probably not going to be popular with some, but I think this poster is right! You haven't even had time to bond with the baby and feel like mom. Why is the birthmom visiting so often?? Ultimately ya'll have to do what YOU feel comfortable with, but I would not want this frequent contact. It's almost like the birth mom wants to have her cake and eat it too. She has you doing the parenting and taking the responsibility and she gets to come over and go "goo goo gaa gaa" over the baby, feel like a mom for a little while, tell you what you are doing wrong and then leave. Not to say that she has it easy by any means. I don't know that this is best for her either! Seeing the baby all the time and not being able to parent or make any decisions. I don't know. DO what you feel is best for you and your family.

[browneyes0707]

I agree with Magic Hat, an open and honest conversation isn't going to make her want to take the baby back. IMO waiting just because of finalization is manipulative, because it seems as if you are afraid to be honest until she has no recourse to react. If she's sure about her decision, she is SURE. No conversation with my DD's mom would have made me change my mind 8 weeks in, I was that sure.

My initial thought, and I know this is hard, is to TRY to take adoption out of the equation. I'm sure she isn't the only one who's put in their constant .02 about the baby so far. I know plenty of mother in laws that have been known to act the same It's harder to hear it from your daughter's birthmom because you have such a unique and new relationship that still has kinks in it, as all new relationships do. It's hard because of her role in your DD's life. I also agree with Magic when she said this could be her way of processing things and proving she could be a good parent had she gone down that route. She sounds young, maybe she wants to impress upon you that she can take that route, but she isn't seasoned enough to know a lot about babies? You said before that she was always "blunt." If she was blunt before placement, is it possible she is being blunt now? She may not even realize that she's doing it. Some people are born without the appropriate filter.

Regardless, you are entitled to how you feel, and you should not feel that you are being judged, not by b-mom or a mother in law or anyone. You ARE her mom, no matter what they say or how often anyone visits. Enjoy that!!!! If you feel that way, you owe it to her and your daughter to be honest now. There is NOTHING WRONG with setting boundaries to make this relationship work. Boundaries are healthy and necessary. But if you yes her to death until finalization and then suddenly the day after you appear with the boundary talk, she may mistake that change in demeanor as the relationship changing because of the finalization, which isn't the case. It plays upon her worst fears and stereotypes in an OA that once the papers are signed, everything changes. You are building something that will hopefully be a lifelong bond, it's new and challenging, but remember why OA was an important choice for you and have faith in that. Have faith in her and her choice and talk to her now. I think she'd respect you more for it. I would.

Good luck!!!

[manni28]

Amilynn22:

What you can do, to avoid feeling guilty, is simply tell her: " I'm not comfortable with you going to my mom's to see the baby" or any other time she brings up visits that aren't planned. In regards to she criticizing you, tell her: " I appreciate your advice, but I have it under control". I'm sure she'll get the message. Remember we teach people how to treat us!


All the best,

Manni