[Roosmama]

How do you handle bio parent requests for "alone time" with your son/daughter? I understand the need from the bio parents point of view, but I'm really struggling with the idea for a number of reasons.

DS is only 3, and his bio mom originally asked about having him stay at her house for a sleepover. I'm not even ready for that discussion yet, and frankly I don't think it will ever be an option. But then she followed up by saying she really just wants some alone time with him. What do I do - drop him off for an hour while I go hang out somewhere nearby? I'm just really struggling with the idea. I'd love to hear from others who have experienced this. I want DS to get to know his bio mom, but I think he can do this with me nearby until he's older, KWIM? Our agreement was to get together once a year, and we've already gone beyond that (we try to get together 3-4x/yr).

My goal with our OA was to view the bio family as part of our extended family, but we're not quite there yet. Everything still feels very forced, very much a matter of obligation. I think that's a big part of it. But age is also a big factor. I don't want DS to get confused and think we're giving him back to his bio mom. Any advice?

[manni28]

Why don't you tell the bmom the same thing you posted here: tell her you would like to see the biofamily as extended family, but you're not there yet, and when baby boy is older you will feel more comfortable with the request. But for now, you are more comfortable with her visiting him in your home.


I hope it works out, all the best.

-Manni

[belleinblue1978]

I agree with Manni.

Something to consider: For me, alone time with my kiddo can even be sitting in his living room with him while his mom is in the other room doing something else. Every minute of time I have when I can look at him with the awe that I feel is pretty important. He is five now so things like showing me his room are important to him and we do that kind of thing alone as well.

Can you do something like that? Let her have some "alone" time with you still in the house?

[rredhead]

I tend to agree with belleinblue1978 and manni28. Be honest. Compromise with "alone time" while you're somewhere else in the house. Or maybe you go to a park, and you sit while she plays with your son.

[loveajax]

we went to a "jumpy" place this year and I brought DD into the toddler room where her birth family was (they have a 2 year old) and DH and I just hung out in another room for a while. or if it is outside, i think it would be fine to sit on a park bench for a while while they go play together. i wouldn't drop my DD off and leave, but there are ways to "disappear" into the background. good luck!!

[jboschma]

We havne't gotten to that point yet with our sons bio mom (our son is only two months old) but the bottom line is that you are his mother and if it makes you uncomfortable then you should go with your gut. I agree with the others that "alone" time can be a compromise like being in the other room.

[thanksgivingmom]

"Alone time" at visits is such an amazing experience for us.....we usually have our visits at a park or somewhere public, and at our last visit Cupcake's Mom said, "Hey, let me give you some time to hang out and get to know each other" and went and sat under a tree and read her US Weekly. Cupcake never seemed confused that her Mom was going to leave or anything.

Oh, and Cupcake is 2 1/2 by the way.

[hpfreak080]

I'm going to agree with the other answers here that state to maybe go in another room or sit on the bench at the park and read or something...

Another way this could be accomplished were if you were comfortable enough to have bmom at your house for dinner and you cleaned up the dishes and the kitchen and let bmom play with DS in the other room while you clean (just a suggestion)

That way, you would still be able to be "protective mom" (which just comes with the "mom" job lol) while allowing bmom to have some 1 on 1 time with the child.

[Emberbit]

I've watched my daughter for a few hours at my house alone while her parents go to a concert or have a quiet adult meal nearby. But it wasn't soemthing that just happened.

I used to panic if her mom walked away to use the restroom. What do I know about babies? But despite the panic, I wanted to be alone with her. If her mom is there, I talk to her mom but I feel self-concious just playing with Baby, you know? Of course, wanting to be alone with baby and knowing how to take care of her were two very different things...and it was nice to have her mom nearby if I got "stuck" or too emotional to handle it. Caring for Baby in a basic way like feeding and changingher while her mom is out of sight is significantly harder and more emotional for me than just playing with her under her mom's watchful eye. I never would have agreed to babysit while her parents were completely gone until I tackled those baby care skills and emotions while her parents were there to take over if necessary.

I love the above suggestions to maybe go to a different room in your house, or go settle in to read within sight but a little way away. My daughter's mom works from home and my best visits have been when she locks herself in her home office to get some work done.

[Tudu]

It takes time to get to overnights. We are there but it took us 6 yrs. Our DD just got back from spending the week at her mother's with her sisters. We allowed some alone time at that age. We made it her responsibility to pick her up and have a plan for the visit. They usually went to the playground or McDonalds. I made her tell the time she would return. I never treated her like a potential kidnapper and wrote down her tag # or anything.

I built trust up with her by talking to her on the phone and email. She spent the night at our home and interacted with all of us. Be honest with her. Tell her how you feel. We are all family now, not extended, just family. We spend holidays together and they talk and text daily. I couldn't be happier with our situation but it wasn't always easy.