[hopingforachild]

Hi,
Any suggestions would be appreciated. We have been matched with an emom out of state. We have her contact information and attempted to call her last night using *67. However, her phone does not accept calls from blocked numbers.

We thought this would be part of a great solution to keep in contact with her. We set up a generic email account that goes to our mobile phones if she needs to contact us and thought we could block our number to call her. (This is our first call since the one with the SW prior to the match)

I know lots of people recommend pre-paid cell phones, but we hoped to avoid a lot of extra expense. Can anyone recommend a specific company that is cost effective?

Another thought was to purchase a phone card with minutes. I'm not sure, but I thought since you call a 1-800# that our number might not show up. Last idea is to add a line to our current cell plan, but not sure if you can make sure your last name does not show up with the number.

I would love to hear what works for others. Thanks!

[bromanchik]

What are you afraid of if she knows who you are?

[thanksgivingmom]

I just have my daughter's Mom's cell number and email address. Actually, two years into our open adoption I asked for an address where she would feel comfortable with receiving a present I wanted to send. She gave me her home address, but we worked up to her being comfortable with me knowing where she lives.

Initially, all communication was done through the SW with increased access to each other as we were comfortable.

How open are you intending the adoption to be?

[Emster]

We did all our correspondence through the agency for the first year and had been advised all about protecting phone numbers and such by our agency, and in the end it all started to seem so useless and time consuming and...well, pretty devoid of humanity--there was no CONNECTION. Eventually I wrote in a letter specifically how to get ahold of us and left it in her court as to whether she would, and eventually she did. My son is now three and we have shared visits in each others homes and have email and phone numbers on both sides.

[RavenSong]

The prepaid phone cards just show an 800 number on caller ID. I use them all the time for international calling. Also, my mom uses them with her cellphone, and her calls never show up on my caller ID with her personal phone number, just the 800 number.

I'm curious about something, though. It's alright for you to have the emom's home phone number, but it's not okay for her to know your's? How come the discrepancy?

[hopingforachild]

Ravensong, I agree, that it seems odd that they sent me her contact number. I would have been happy with a generic email account for her also. (but that would make the phone calls a little tough)

Our SW and amom's advised us to keep confidential at least in the beginning. The idea being as you become more comfortable with each other, then you can share additional information. Sounds like that is the approach Thanksgiving mom and Emster have used.

I hope to have continued contact with the birthmother through pictures, emails, and phone calls in both directions. I am not sure if she is interested in visits, but we would be willing on a limited basis (long distance). Her profile did not indicate that she wants visits and I hope to discuss this further.

As I said, we have only spoken by phone on one occasion. While I had a really positive feeling about her, there is a history of jail time and possible drug use. I am just trying to be careful... I can always share more, but I can't take it back.

[Amber76]

If you have a cell phone, and depending on the company, you can turn off the send number function, which then just says unknown caller, not blocked caller and might get through the whole not accepting blocked calls issue. We don't have an open adoption, unfortunately, because our son's birthmom does not want contact, but if she did, I'd just give her my cell number. You could always get a new cell number later if something happens that makes you uncomfortable with her having your number. Good luck trying to figure out a system that works for all involved!

[thanksgivingmom]

For what it's worth - I HATED the way we did things through the SW. We're okay now, but I felt like I had to "earn" Dee's respect and trust...and that was a lot of pressure.

I think that sometimes the SW's feed into the birthmom stereotypes with this advice - like we're going to stalk the family or stop by unannounced or try to take back our child. That's not open adoption - that's Lifetime's version of adoption.

I remember not being told what Cupcake's NAME was for the first month or so. Not even last name - her FIRST name - at the SW's suggestion. So I don't necessarily think that everything SW's suggest is gold....

I agree that you can certainly become MORE open as time goes on, and I'm not suggesting that you share everything in the world! But for instance I don't think a cell phone number would be totally irresponsible.

I had literally NO information for the first eleven months and it had a pretty negative affect on me. I felt untrustworthy (which was ridiculous) and like I had something to "prove" before I'd be "worthy" of the info....

[hopingforachild]

I appreciate the different perspectives from everyone on this board. Thanks for your input.

[belleinblue1978]

Well, I've always known where my kiddo's parents live, always had their phone number, I haven't had their email that long, but that is a WHOLE different thread.

Not once have a shown up unannounced, called them at an inappropriate time, or lurked in their bushes.

They have always know where I live, had all my contact information. They have my parents contact information as well.

Remember that this woman is taking a leap of faith and trusting you to parent her child if the adoption happens. A little trust the other way doesn't hurt.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I would not have matched with or stayed matched with a family that couldn't trust me to know their names. They knew all of my info from the very beginning and likewise. That level of trust is necessary to have that open, honest communication. The lack of sharing of that information screams, "I don't trust you," and where does that leave open, honest communication?

Furthermore, I don't think you want to get into a situation where you're either purchasing things for her (prepaid cells, phone cards) as, since you don't have that trust, she could call whomever she wanted. Nor do you really want to create an extra expense for yourself because, hey, have you seen the economy? Add in the financial stresses that come with a newborn and, well, my guess is that would be one of your first things to lapse if push came to shove.

[lahdh4]

I have to agree with SchennaLeigh. If a relationship is not started with trust how can you really build on that.
The first year things went through the agency but I knew their names and the city where they lived. After that I knew their last names, address and phone number.

[heart_string]

I would never, ever, ever have placed my son without knowing as much information about his adad as his adad had about me.

We both have each others' full names, cell phone numbers, addresses & emails. I have met his extended family & he will be meeting mine in March.

I just don't see what good can come of a relationship (which is what open adoption is to me) that is built on distrust.

The words "I don't trust you" may not be spoken, but such a one-sided information highway surely makes "I don't trust you" implied.

[JustCourtney]

Our son's bmom had our cell phone, email, the town we live in, and full names almost immediately. The only thing she doesn't have is our home address. Without going into detail here (I have PM'd you), I am now grateful that she doesn't. This is in NO WAY a generalization of emoms or bmoms, just our experience - which I do not believe is the norm.

I think that every relationship is very different, and that you need to proceed in a manner that you are comfortable with. There is nothing wrong with progressing slowly and allowing trust to build on both sides.

I should probably add that I tend to err to the side of caution in all areas of my life - when I was dating I never had a date pick me up at my home the first time, and only gave out my cell number!

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

Remember that this woman is taking a leap of faith and trusting you to parent her child if the adoption happens. A little trust the other way doesn't hurt.

Totally agree with you on this one, Belle. Placing a child for adoption is a leap of faith...and a sacred trust, IMO. If an open adoption is the goal, this trust has to be going in both directions.

I've been a birthmother for almost 37 years now, and I have yet to meet another birthmom who hid in the bushes outside her child's home. Why would we?? We're the ones who placed our children to begin with, in order that they have better lives than we could provide. Why sabotage that goal?