[TracyCT]

We adopted our son through fostercare as an infant (abandoned in the hospital at birth). He is now three. His bmom was a heroine user and is currently in prison. Eight weeks ago, we sent an letter to the maternal birth grandparents letting them know that their grandson had been adopted and was very loved. They live in another state and were not aware of what happened to their grandson after rights were terminated. We asked for medical info, and a picture of his birthmom whom we've never met. To be safe, we did not give them our names, address or phone number, but set up an generic e-mail account so they could contact us. We said that we were willing to share more info and some pictures.

8 Weeks after the letter was sent we received an e-mail from grandma. She was very happy to know that he was with a good family. She said that she thinks about him everyday and loves him even though she has never met him. She said that her daughter is willing to send a picture and gave us some basic info about their family. She did refer to him as "your son," which made me feel like she understands that we are the parents. She told us he has a brother who is only a year older.

I need some advice from those of you who have been in an open adoption about how to proceed. We still have safety concerns about revealing our identities because of the drug issues of the bmom and alleged bdad who also has an extensive criminal background. Also, we talked to my mother in law (who was also an adoption/foster care case manager for many years) about this situation and she is very much opposed to contact and thinks we are not putting our son's interest first. I believe that he has a right to know about his birthfamily and medical history.

Please let me know what you think. We are leaning toward sending an e-mail with a couple pictures and some additional info about our son. We also want to ask them who the birth father is since we really don't know for sure. How far should we go? Should we reveal our identities now or later or ever? How many details about our son do we give them? Thanks in advance for your advice.

[BrandyHagz]

It's a personal decision - as you can see, your MIL has a very defined position against contact. You will find that you'll get the same types of responses here...some are either totally 110% for it or either totally 110% against it.

Each situation is unique - take it slow, like you would any other new friendship. Let it naturally progress (or not, depending on what happens). Passing on a photo is a personal decision. Maybe take some time to get to know them as a family - you might find, the birth grandparents are fantastic people you want to cultivate a relationship (or you might not).

Take baby steps.

You wouldn't give your contact info (or a picture of your child) to someone you just met...you'd want to get to know them...I see nothing wrong with that in brand new open adoptions.

[rredhead]

I agree with Brandy.
Your son absolutely will be better off if he knows about his biological heritage. But, start slow. You don't know the birth family. Start with first names, and go from there. Be honest with them. Explain that you're not comfortable divulging all of your information all at once, and hope they understand.
Good luck!

[Suziebearhugs]

I'd recommend just communicating through e-mails, 1-800#'s and post office boxes for the time being without revealing your identifying info.

As the relationship progresses you'll have a better sense wether it is safe to give out more info.

[Jensboys]

Just wanted to say I agree with the advice. Take it slow - trust is earned not given (particularly in these situations) and go from there.

Saying all that I DO think contact can be in the best interest of our kids if they need that information or desire contact. One of my sons really has desired contact (adopted from foster care at age 4) and I took him back to his home state in July to meet everyone (the story is on my blog ... july archives).

Its not cut and dry. Its not easy - but I can say that having information HAS benefited my kids.