[Birdwhistle]

Need some advice please. Our bmom is currently in treatment (and pregnant). Has been in and out of addiction and we don't want contact until she is clean and stable. We are uncertain that will ever happen. Her family has been torn up by it and does not want to lose contact with our DD or us. We have only had two visits with them and our DD is 2 years old.

We are going to go to our agency and tell them the situation but would really appreciate hearing from any of you that have dealt with anything like this. We want our DD to know her birth family eventually and in a year will be old enough to at least make connections/have memories.

We are torn between just holding off on any contact until we know more because the whole birth family is in crisis or, just keeping visits to birth grandparents and birth greatgrandparents. They are a close knit family.

Help. Thanks.

[proudmum]

I understand not wanting visits until your dds bmom is clean and stable,,, that is a very reasonable request,,, about the rest though ,,, i would say go with your gut on this one,,, you are the one seeing what is going on and first and foremost protecting your dd emotionally and physically is what is most important,,,just trust your feelings..
I wish you all the best,,,,,, good luck
proudmum

[Stormster]

I wish I was in your position ("similar" situation but no interest from bfamily). If they are a normal close knit family why wouldn't you want you child to know them? It might be your DD's healthiest connection to her biological family and this important component of self.

When your DD is older she may identify with the issue of addiction and without healthy bio family members to relate and refer to may identify with this one small aspect of her history.

If they are dangerous, messed up emotionally or whatever I can understand but if and when I'm in your position I'm going to rally all the healthy, interested bfamily members I can!

Good luck!

[xillini]

I sent you a pm!

[mamamull]

Hi,
I concur that one has to trust their heart - but take a step back and ask yourself if you were your DD would you ever want to see someone you looked like?

Would you ever really trust the birth family since they aren't the birth mom?

I agree with keeping the using birth mom away, but supervised or visits at an agency would be a nice way to let the birth family have some contact.

We have one open adoption - true this birth mom isn't an addict - but I can't imagine myself not having her parents as my friends and allies. Seriously - it has been ten years now.

Of course all those first open meetings are difficult. It is the nature of such an unusual way to form a new family relationship. It can get much better. I can't promise - but it is possible.

I frankly can't imagine my life with out them

When I tell friends that I left the kids with them I get this look of disbelief. I assure my friend that the birth family knows where we live and will return the children if we fail to go get them

It is just my experience - I would careful as all get out because of the birth mom - but she made her mistakes and the family didn't stick the needle in her arm.

Hang in there,
Denise

[Birdwhistle]

Thank you Denise. It is really helpful to hear your perspective. I appreciated it and we are going to meet with our DD's birth grandmother and our agency this week.

Take care. Julie