[Suziebearhugs]

Would it upset you if the birthfamily or friend of the birthfamily spoke "to your child" and referenced the birthmother as "mommy" or the birthfather as "Daddy". Or is it just me?

[vegaschristina]

I am my child's mommy. She is their birthmom or usually, Jennifer. My husband is my child's daddy. He is birthdad or Pancho. That would not fly with me either.

[Leigh131313]

It would not be tolerated by dh or myself. I also think ds (he's 4) would set them straight.

[katie52]

When or how are they referring to themselves as mommy or daddy?
At a visit or on the phone ? Or to other people?

[proudmum]

Yes it certainly would upset us... so no its not just you at all......

[rredhead]

Yup. Depending on how it happens, and what the context was, I might forgive it, but it would bother me.

[Suziebearhugs]

The first comment two weeks ago was from a friend of the birthfamily commenting to our son on how he had his "Daddy" beat with how handsome he is. (the grandma was right there as well).

I did let that one pass, but I boiled over it for the next week. Angry with myself that I didn't correct her and wondering how I should go about setting some boundaries with the birthgrandma (the birthfathers mother) to make sure she knows what the appropriate adoption language is for our son.

The very next week at a visit with his grandma she did the same things. She made a comment to our son on how much he looked/acted like his "Daddy".

My son is 3 1/2. He didn't correct her because the only DADDY he knows is my husband. He had no idea she was talking about his birthfather. Not that he even knows his birthfather. He's only seen him twice in his life.

This time I still didn't know what to say or how to go about it but I knew I couldn't just ignore it again. So I basically told her "DS will only know his birthfather by his first name or by the term birthdad/birthfather. My DH is the only one he knows as Daddy and it will be less confusing for him that way."

She looked a little suprized/embarresed and I'm not sure wether it hurt her feelings or not. I'm sure it upsets her, since that is her son (that I was basically demoting from Daddy to first name basis). Not that I feel he's any less important to my son...but no he's not his Daddy either.

I felt a little bad about it afterwards. Wishing we had discussed all that before but I'm glad I finally spoke up when I did and hopefully we won't have any more problems.

[JustPeachy]

In addition to talking with the bfamily members about this, it may help to reinforce the titles you wish for them to use by responding in ways that model this, such as "yes, he does resemble his birthfather" or "Oh, I figured that mannerism must have come from [bdad's first name] because his daddy doesn't do that."

Sometimes, you cannot always interrupt the conversation with a "talk," but rather than have to stew about it and then get mad at yourself, at least you can reinforce the boundaries that you need to without getting into a heavy discussion when you are not prepared to do so or it is not the right time/place to do so.

[Suziebearhugs]

Good idea Just Peachy. That's how I normally talk in general anyways. I thought she had caught on but maybe me ignoring the first comment the week before got her in that "daddy" mindframe of thinking it was ok.

We had adopted our son from fostercare. So I have known her for quite some time. I was use to her making all kinds of comments about her son as daddy back when he was still in care. But since his adoption (when he was 1 years old) she continues to make comments about how he "comes by that naturally" or how "____(birthfathers first name) used to be the same way" but she has never made the comment naming him as "daddy" since then she ould always just use his birthfathers first name.

BTW. that's another thing that bothers me. It doesn't matter what he's saying or doing she always makes comments implying that he gets that from her side of the family or from his birthfather.

Like nothing about him, his personality, behavior, etc comes from us. Even though we've been his parents since he was a newborn.

For example. We were out to lunch with her and I mentioned how funny it is that he (a 3 year old boy)loves fruits and veggetables and prefers them over meats/breads/deserts and typical kid foods. Of course the first thing that comes out of her mouth was "oh he comes by that naturally, our family eats lots of fruits and vegetables." (hmm, obviously we do as well or he would have never been accustomed to eating them).

[proudmum]

Originally Posted by Suziebearhugs

BTW. that's another thing that bothers me. It doesn't matter what he's saying or doing she always makes comments implying that he gets that from her side of the family or from his birthfather.

Like nothing about him, his personality, behavior, etc comes from us. Even though we've been his parents since he was a newborn.

I sooooooo completely agree you with you 100% on this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[finallyamom0310]

It definatly would depend on the situation. I understand and will accept (we have talked about this) DD's BMom calling herself DD's Mother but not Mommy. She is DD's first mom and will always be a part of her life. But if it was directed to my DD by anyone else I know i would have an issue.

[Ajapoo]

I agree with you! I'm in the same boat you're in. We are about to have our first visit with birthmomnext weekend so she can see him aorund Christmas...but theres been a few times on myspace she's commented his pics "Oh he looks just like his daddy".

I want so bad to say "A is not his daddy, my husband is. he signed over his rights, remember?"
I don't know how to go about it without being mean or rude. Especially since its so fresh (he is 5 weeks old)

[Amilynn22]

I've had a few problems with this since our DD was born (she's 1 month). Her bmom will constantly liken anything about DD to herself which was fine the first 2 or 3 times but then it started to get irritating. Bmom's grandma was in town and referred to her (bmom) as DD's "mommy" several times. She wasn't going to be in town for long so I let it go. It does make me angry though. Part of me wants to say...you made the decision for this child to be part of MY family, ie. MY daughter, not yours! STOP trying to keeps "parts" of her!! I haven't said anything yet because I want to see if it tapers off first. Bmom will not be seeing MY daughter as much as we are almost done with her pumping breastmilk. I have been very patient so far but it is wearing thin. I have a feeling that more issues are about to arise because DD b-grandpa has made comments about how he is going to get "his day" with her after asking my mom (they are friends) if she had babysat DD yet. Bmom has made comments about watching DD too but I've just been side stepping them for now......

[Amilynn22]

I may have given the wrong impression with my last post. I am frustrated...true BUT I have NO intention of limiting her visits once she is done pumping. That is her choice. She has always maintained that she will not be around as much once she stops pumping but she knows she is welcome in our home. We are still new at this, hence the frustration I'm sure! I fear my frustration came out as anger towards her. I love my DD's bmom and I was just venting. The truth is.....it's not just DD's bfamily that makes frustrating comments, it's everyone. I just wanted to make that correction because I didn't want anyone to think I meant that comment the way it came out. I definitely didn't and thank you to the person who brought that to my attention!! It was worded COMPLETELY the wrong way and I will be checking over my posts twice before I submit them from now on!

[paigeturner]

Interesting....that's all I have.