[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Suziebearhugs

I also wanted to say that the comment about the child only being 5 weeks old and at this point the adoptive parents really had no infuence on his nurture yet and most of who he was was from nature.

I did not say that. What I said was "At five weeks the "nurture" that you've given is not going to be evident for awhile."

Not being evident for awhile does not mean it is not vitally important. In fact, the nurture that your baby is getting from you will impact her the rest of her life. It will effect how she attaches to other people, how well she trusts, etc, etc. However, at 5 weeks you're not likely to see the results of this on her personality.

[manni28]

But sure, even though in my mind I was completely confident in myself as his mom, it hurt to think that after all these years "she" hadn't noticed or made it seem like anything "we" did or gave to him had any affect on him. Like we were nothing to him and her son and her genetics were everything that made up every bit of who he was

Suzie:

Your child's bparent knows the work that you've done, she see the love, nurturing and traits your son has gotten from you. She just doesn't want to acknowledge/admit it, so when she says " he got this from me" it's her way of validating herself. Don't let it upset you.

-Manni

[Amilynn22]

We will always have differing opinions (bfamily/afamily) and I'm sure there will always be debate on who has it harder. I am in agreement that I get the joy of raising my DD so obviously, I come out on top. I thought the point of OA was to minimize some of the "issues" for both the child and the bfamily. It seems that us aparents are just on the ride. There was a comment made about if the bparents didn't relinquish their rights, there wouldn't be a child to discuss BUT, does that mean that I am at their mercy for the rest of my life??

Like I said before, my DD's bfamily is welcome in my home anytime, in fact, bmom, bgrandma, bgrandpa and b-uncle were all here tonight for about 3 hours visiting. I had to excuse myself and take several deep breaths after the first hour of them relating EVERYTHING about her to themselves. I understand that is their way of making themselves feel better about it but it was JUST TOO MUCH. The bgrandma made several comments about how she wishes bmom wouldn't have placed her but that she was glad that she's with good people...ok, almost a compliment!! For three hours I got to hear them coo over her and how much she looked like her "mommy". After saying it 400 times, the bgrandma goes "oh...I guess I shouldn't say that...".....ya think?? I admit I have NO IDEA how it feels to relinquish a child and I have a lot of respect for DD's bmom for making the decision she made but how long before I don't "owe" her anymore. In all honesty, she asked us to adopt her baby out of the blue. We weren't even looking and were thinking about trying to get pregnant. I am tired of feeling like I have to just "take it" because it may hurt her feelings...what about my feelings?? I am eternally grateful that she chose us to be DD's parents BUT we don't owe her anything other than to be the best parents we can be.

[Suziebearhugs]

I can certianly see how that would be very difficult to deal with and I wouldn't blame you for feeling put off by it. I would be as well.

It sounds like they are having a hard time letting go. But they may not even realize how inappropriate and hurtful it is.

Maybe you should calmly speak up and say something to them.

It is necessary that you be treated and respected as the "Mommy". Especially in your presence, in front of your child and in your home.

It sounds like you will have a lot of work ahead of you trying to create healthy boundaries. I wouldn't put it off to long. The longer you let it slip by without saying anything the harder it will be to change later.

Are you still in the wondow where the birthmother can reclaim her rights? When will the adoption be finalized?

I would consider writing out a list of things you feel are appropriate and things you feel are not. Then plan on getting together with them and discussing it.

A top one on my list would be... coming up with another name or nickname for the birthmother so that she and others will know what is appropriate to call the birthmother in your presence and the childs, other than "mommy".

[manni28]

Amilynn:

You know next time you can say the bfamily "we love to have you here ,in our lives, but we prefer to be called mommy and daddy".You're acknowledging your love for the bfamily and also setting-up healthy boundaries for the future. Hopefully it will open the door for a conversation about boundaries .

I wish you the best.

-Manni

[vegaschristina]

Originally Posted by Suziebearhugs

coming up with another name or nickname for the birthmother so that she and others will know what is appropriate to call the birthmother in your presence and the childs, other than "mommy".

This is what we did for our children's bmom. We had a meeting, without the children, and we went over some boundry issues we had. One of them was her referring to herself as mommy and to her current boyfriend as daddy (he is not the father of any of the children).

I told her that while she is, and always will be the children's birth mom, I am mommy and my husband is daddy. I told her that before the next visit, I wanted her to think about something that she wanted the kids to call her...did she want her name...did she want an endearment...did she want a word that meant mom in a different language? It could be her choice and we would respect any choice she made, but mommy and daddy were for us and us alone.

[loveajax]

Amilynn, as an amom who has been in an OA for four years, I do understand your frustration. I never had DD's birth mom call herself "mommy" or have encountered any disrespect, yet I felt like I was DD's birth mom's counselor. There are very few "good" agencies or other "adoptiion profressionals" that do a good job at helping either a or b parents deal with OA, especially when a baby is young.

I can see how people are "angry" with what you are saying...and to be honest, I was too. But I also think back to how emotional I was four years ago, and I feel your pain too.

To me, the most important thing for a young baby is bonding with a "mom." That doesn't mean that your child's birth mom is not important (not at all). But I finally understood that it was important to set boundaries and realize that that little person actually needed me to be fully her "mom." I know that was what her birth mom wanted too, but I think her grief was geting in the way.

In any event, I do think if you don't feel like you are bonding with your child enough, you need to set boundaries. It is hard. The other reality is that (as hard as it is to realize sometimes), as dpen said, your child will always be part of both you and the birth famiiles. (To me, it's been kind of a wonderful realization, but it took me a while to get there). Anyway, please feel free to PM me...I know how hard the first few months are.

[Janeytwo]

Amylynn22-

Being on this side of the fence (adoptive mom vs adoptee) for the first time has really opened my eyes to all the ignorance surrounding adoption.

From what I've heard from adoptees here at this site? Adoptees have faced mountains of prejudice from all facets of society from the time you're all old enough to pick up on such things. I will definately take all adoptees' words on that. You are adoptees; you would know.

I find it difficult to believe that only now - as an adoptive parent - are you learning that there is "ignorance surrounding adoption".

I also find it hurtful.

If you would like to know what kind of "ignorance" (which should be relabled as pure spite and malice) people face surrounding adoption, come read some posts in the birth parents section of this forum. It has been intimated to me on the web that we are: Baby sellers, Baby Killers (yeah you heard that right), Abandoners, Felons.

Here are some things I have been called IRL due to my first parent status: slut, whore, and my very very favorite.......degenerate.

You can bet your bottom dollar, Amylynn, that there are other people on all sides of the Triad - all sides - who are reading this exchange and sniggling too themselves like the childish punks they surely are.


Amylynn - Yes, absolutely, you have every right to be treated with respect by the first parents. H**l, you have a right to be treated with respect by anyone you come in contact with.

If you have been treated badly because you are an adoptive parent; that is wrong.

But it is just as wrong to negate the prejudice others have face because they are adoptees or first parents.

This stuff is as hard as it gets. Trust me.