[wlbooklady]

We had been in pretty close contact with my DS's birthmother, phone calls about once a month, pictures and letters, an annual visit (she lives out of state). Over the last few months, we're just not hearing from her. My son is 6, so this isn't a new adoption. May was Mother's day and my son's birthday; we tried calling repeatedly. Her house phone was disconnected and her cell never takes messages (I think it's one of those pay as you go deals). We had sent her a phone card. I was actually starting to worry that something had happened and called her mother, which I hate to do; her family has never supported the adoption and is civil to us, but not much more, and never very friendly with us or our son when we visit. Her mom said nothing was wrong and let her know we called. Tried again on the cell, got her but she said she was out and would call us back later but never did. It's now July. My question is, how do you know when to keep pursuing and when to just let it be for a while, and for how long should I wait?

On the one hand I'm frustrated; contact is usually very one-sided, we initiate, she rarely even sends DS a card for holidays. I know money is an issue, hence we sent her the phone card (the last time we sent her one she left her phone on or something and accidentally used up all the minutes, which was aggravating. I'm wondering if she even has the phone anymore and just doesn't want to tell us). Her sister is pregnant and I'm reading things into that -- maybe she's having issues and doesn't want to hear from us right now. But who knows, I could be completely wrong. I don't want to pester her and am frankly tired of always initiating, but I am clear I'm doing this for my son. So how long should I wait to try to contact her again? Would maybe a letter be better at this point? Thanks!

[Singlemom619]

My thought is to stop. I realize you're trying to do what you feel is best BUT your son is going to realize that you are the one always trying to make contact and she is not. That is harmful.

1. Let her make the contact. If she wants to talk to him she will call.

2. Don't send any money or a phone card. Again if she wants to talk she'll find a way. Long distance is free on a cell phone. She must have friends that she could borrow a cell from. Really a phone call would cost 5 bucks and if her son isn't worth that she must not really want the contact.

I'd let it go, go on with life the way you were and when she's ready to have contact she knows where to find you.

[thanksgivingmom]

I think it's awesome that you're keeping up contact for your son. There DEFINITELY could be something going on due to the sisters pregnancy. Since I've placed (only a year and a half ago!) I've had two nephews and a neice born with another on the way - it's hard every time. (And yes, I come from a huge family).

I would say to give it some time and to try again in a while. I'm not sure how much time but I would sit back for a while and then still try again.

I think that yes, your son might realize that you are the one making contact but that he will appreciate your efforts. You can't change his birthmoms behavior, you can only control yours. Either way he will know if she's not contacting him, I don't necessarily think it will hurt less if you continue to contact her.

I know that it's hard to be the one to initiate all the time. There are many people on here (both amoms AND bmoms) who are the ones that need to initiate all the time. But that's when we have to lean on each other for support and remind ourselves that we don't do it for us. We do it for the kids.

Best of luck to you!