[redbonec]

Our daughter's birthmother has two children that she parents--both of whom are in their teens. They do not know about our daughter, do not know that their mother was pregnant or gave birth two years ago.

Birthmother and I (with daughter) have met twice about halfway between our homes. Then, recently, K and I finally made it to her house to visit. We spent two nights there. I knew her two other children would be there. Visit was great.

Something keeps nagging at me. I feel guilty because when we were there with her children, the fact has not been disclosed about who the visiters (us) are. Eventually, she plans on telling them. I don't know when, but I imagine it will be much later, like maybe when they are out of school. When they know, I wonder if they will be upset that when they saw us they were deceived in some way or feel like they missed out by not knowing. On the other hand, I was relieved when we met them because I hope later when they do know they will be glad they saw her some when she was young, as opposed to only knowing her when she is older.

Should I be feeling guilty or just glad that we can all be together sometimes?

[loveajax]

RedboneC,

My DD's birth parents parent and older and younger sister to DD. I knew when we adopted DD that DD's birth parents did not want their families to know about the pg/adoption.

We have an OA with yearly visits (and we talk on the phone, email, we provide updates, etc.). Well, for the first couple of visits, the fact that DD's birth sibs did not know really didn't bother me.

This year (DD just turned 3), it was hard to visit, knowing that we were sort of meeting with the kids under these odd "pretenses," you know? I know it is not my place to tell DD's birth parents what they need to tell their OWN children, but the problem is is that I feel it is not fair to my DD not to be able to talk about them being her birth parents, her birth sibs. I have tried to talk to DD"s birth mom about it and she basically says...it will never happen. (This year, I "warned" DD's birth mom that DD may "spill the beans" and she said if that happened, she would just tell her older daughter that she "misunderstood"...oy!!!).

I am not sure honestly what will happen at next year's meeting. But DD is already "catching on" to a lot of her adoption story and her older sis will be 6.5 then. I suppose I could tell DD"s birth parents that we will meet only with them (where at least we could discuss that they are her birth parents), but it makes me really sad to think of DD not knowing her sisters and being a "secret" in her immediate birth family.

It's really hard all around, but I think you will probably encounter some of these things as your own DD gets older...wish I had the "magic" answer!!! I do think you should TRY to explain to DD's birth mom why you believe she needs to be honest (not only for her own kids' sakes, but for your DD as well). Good luck!

[redbonec]

Thank you, loveajax, it sounds like we are thinking the same.
I also wonder about our daughter saying something to her birthmother in the presence of her children, to the effect of her being her birthmother, or her growing in her tummy. She wouldn't say that now, but maybe not far into the future.
Do I understand that your daughter does not know her birthmother is her birthmother? Did she want it a secret from her too?

[loveajax]

Redbone, no my DD knows who her birth mother is....she just didn't "bring it up" (nor did I) at our last visit (she's just really starting to "grasp" things now). I keep hoping that they can "open" up to their kids before next year's visit (it's not for almost another year). I do think it gets harder as they get older and can "spill the beans," if you will. GOOD LUCK!!