[JustPeachy]

So much good advice has already been given, but I wanted to address the issue with the card. Signing the card "mom" is one thing, but wanting to be called "mom" is another. The bmom has done the former, but we don't know for sure if the latter is true at this point.

I remember when I first signed letters in my semi-open adoption. I didn't know HOW to sign my name, because even though I've always considered my son's amom as his mom, I wasn't sure what I was. To sign "Peachy" seemed strange because I carried and gave birth to this child and will always feel on some level I am his mom (note: not his parent, not his only mother or primary/main mother, but not not a mom, either, if that makes any sense!). I coudn't sign "mom" because that didn't feel right and I was afraid to offend his mom. I ended up signing my name, but it was extremely weird in the beginning. I think it would have felt even weirder in a fully open adoption.

Maybe your bmom is struggling with this. We birthmoms are moms and aren't moms at the same time. Maybe you and bmom could agree that your child won't call her "mom," and for signing letters and such, if you are not comfortable with her signing "mom" there is another name she can use that will acknowledge her position as birthmom without sounding so odd ("love, your birthmom" sounds kind of strange to me, but maybe it works for others).

[finallyamom0310]

Peachy I was thinking the same thing. Signing and the name IRL are different.

This all came up for us in our OA as well and the one thing that bothered me more than her signing things Mom or Mother was the term my daughter. WE did finally talk about this and we worked out that she would be able to sign as Mother X (not mom or mommy) and we all would use the term OUR daughter to include all in the triad but not exclude.

I also want to mention that it was easier for me to talk to BMom after finalization. We didn't have any visits or calls before finalization, just emails and so I let it go. After finalization I finally felt the necessary relief that we could set boundaries.

[Suziebearhugs]

These are things you need to discuss with her and maybe even the extended family now, don't wait hoping it will get better. These are things you've already discussed so they should have been clear boundaries to follow. I think you need to be firm in the boundaries you've already set and don't back down (unless there's something your willing to compromise on).

Right now your setting the foundation for the future of your relationship.

All of the situations you've listed (her signing her name as mom, birthfamily using a different name than agreed upon, birthmom inviting birthfather to visits, etc). Would all be major concerns for me as well.

IMO the bottom line is they are not respecting you and your DH's decisions as the parents of this little girl and if you don't say anything and set some clear boundaries, I think your looking foreward to a very diffiuclt relationship with them in the future.

(I understand they are going through a rough time, 3 months is really a short amount of time to process everything. But it will be much easier to correct this now and build towards a better future than let things slide until it all goes down hill and then try and dig yourself out of that ditch later on.)

[Suziebearhugs]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

Signing the card "mom" is one thing, but wanting to be called "mom" is another.

I disagree. Signing the card mom is the same as calling herself mom.

The baby is too young to know what that card says now but she will grow up and likely have those cards from her special day. Which means they went against the boundaries they have already agreed to in regards to having a relationship with her.

She could have just signed her first name or signed the card

"Love Always,
Your Birthmom J"

If she wanted to step outside the boundaries of what they had already discussed she should have spoken with the amom first to make sure it was ok.