[goastros]

Does anyone maintain an open adoption when the birthparents and adoptive parents live over 700 miles apart?

If so, what does it consist of? Phone calls, traveling for visits, just pictures/written updates, emails? At what age would you let your child speak to the birthparents on the phone?

Thanks for any information. We're new at this so we're trying to figure out the logistics.

[SchmennaLeigh]

We're just about that distance apart.

Phone calls, e-mails, snail mail and visits four times per year. I talk with the Munchkin regularly on the phone and she is 4.5. That said, by regularly, I mean I talk to her when I'm talking to her Mom and the Munchkin isn't toooooo buuuuusssssssssssy to talk on the phone. She has been having small conversations with me on the phone for well over two years. (Of note, my 2.5 year old and the Munchkin recently had their first phone conversation.)

[wlbooklady]

We're not quite that far apart, but it's a good 8-10 hour drive. I try to call monthly, but struggle with problems reaching my DS's birthmother. Called on Mother's Day and her phone had been disconnected and she has her cell phone set up to not receive calls, you can't even leave a message, which is, I assume, a financial issue. We usually only visit once a year for a long weekend; last year we tried a week but it was very stressful, particularly for my youngest, who kept wanting to go home (not his birth family) and my husband, who gets very stressed out when we visit, mostly over lack of control over what happens while we're there. I send packages for birthdays and holidays, cards and pictures, inlcuding for my son's bio brother, who lives with his mom. But it gets frustrating, as it's very one-sided. For example, DS's birthday is tomorrow; I think he's only ever gotten one birthday card from his first mother, and then because I reminded her and stressed it. I don't think he cares too much now, but there may come a day when he wonders why she doesn't even send a card. This really irks my husband, who feels everything is one-sided, and bugs me at times, too, but I think I have less of an expectation than he does. I look at it as we're doing this for our son and his birthmom, not ourselves. But it does get tiring; I feel like I end up doing everything.

[sonia1959]

In our case maybe a little different, the birth mom lives in Mexico, we send pictures and updates via email, we won't call, she is the one the make the calls, she did it once, but we keep in contact with my girl's siblings and grandmother once a month, it works out pretty good.

[Free_to_be_me]

We are about 3000 miles apart. We were able to build a strong relationship during the first four years when we lived much closer and that has helped with the long distance relationship. I generally go to visit them twice a year and spend a weekend there or have three or four day visits. (I also visit other family and friends.) We exchange e-mails occasionally and phone calls when there is something to say. We also write letters around holidays and birthdays. I have been talking to P and her little sister (not by birthdaughter, but very important, as I've known her since she was two days old) since they were capable of having phone conversations.

[BrandyHagz]

We've lived as little as in the same house (her family has lived with me twice) to as far away as tens of tousands of miles (They did mission work in Bosnia for a year) - more often than not, we're about 1500 miles apart - and we talk often, email often and visit when we can.

I've talked to my daughter on the phone since she was tiny - she's talked to me since she could speak.

It's not perfect - we do whatever works. Sometimes we go without visits for extended periods of time - others, we spend a lot of time together.

[goastros]

Thanks guys. That give me an idea of how you worked it out and a starting point.

We've had no contact for 8 months by the birthparents choice but they have now made contact and want us to give our son back to them. I'm hoping we can get past this and establish a relationship but I'm having a hard time right now being able to trust them.

My agency pays for lifetime counseling but I have a feeling they will refuse to go. They have promised not to lay any of their feelings about the adoption on my son but I don't want them aired to me either. Do you think we will be able to have a relationship with them feeling like they do if they don't go to counseling?

[loveajax]

goastros, yikes....is the adoption finalized? do you have an open adoption agreement? why do they think they can ask for the "return" of your child? or are they just regretting placing and "venting" to you? why were they out of contact for so long?

[goastros]

Yes, the adoption is finalized. They told me they wanted no contact at the time they signed the papers. I told them I was always open to contact and gave them my email address if they changed their mind about contacting us. They said they thought they could "get over it" but realized that they can't pretend he doesn't exist. I felt like they were presenting me with their best case on why I should return him (because they are his parents, he is better off with his real family, they had him longer than I did, his grandparents want him in the family, etc).

I'd really like to make it work because I think they are good people. I'm just not sure that without counseling that they'll be able to hold it together during phone calls and learn to be appropriate when speaking to me.

[loveajax]

That is really tough, I am sorry. But I also think that you should not have to hear those kinds of requests...and that obviously they do not understand what adoption means. I think I would tell them that those requests/comments are inappropriate. You obviously can't "make" them get counseling but maybe it would help them....Could you have your agency act as sort of an "intermediary" to express how you are feeling if you find it too hard? Hang in there.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by goastros

They have promised not to lay any of their feelings about the adoption on my son but I don't want them aired to me either.

I really think this is counterproductive to a solid relationship of any kind, not just open adoption. I'm not saying you need to be a doormat or a constantly berated sounding board. But what other relationship would you enter in which you didn't want to know what the other person was dealing with at any given time? My relinquished daughter's mother tells me what she is dealing with and I am honest with her regarding my emotional healing. We have boundaries, mostly involving respectful tone and wording and so on, but what good could it possibly do to avoid getting to know someone like that?

[lonni]

"they had him longer than I did, his grandparents want him in the family, etc). "



Did they raise him for awhile? Was he older than a newborn when you adopted him, or do they mean the 9 months of pregnancy?

[loveajax]

lonni, i was wondering that too. i read another post of the OP's and I believe she adopted her son when he was a toddler.

i am sure that the birth parents must be really grieving to request the "return" of DS. but i honestly don't think those kinds of requests are appropriate for the OP to have to deal with. If I were in that position, I think it would really affect me (and my parenting) negatively.

[goastros]

He was a toddler when we adopted, plus they are counting the 9 months of pregnancy.

I don't mind discussing their feelings but I don't want to be constantly harassed about whether I have changed my mind about giving him back or repeatedly told that we're not his parents.

We're going to give it a try and see how things progress. I really wanted to know how often people traveled for visits (especially now with gas prices so high) because it is definitely a cost consideration for us. I want to be fair and do what I can on our side to maintain a relationship.

[lonni]

Ah- Okay. I really don't know what to tell you(on the handling of the return situation) because I would not necessarily be sure of what his best interest is without details of his placement. (what was the reason,were they just having a hard time when they placed him or were they neglectful/dangerous to him ect) and I am not asking you to reveal that because that was not your question.
Best wishes, because this seems complicated. He probably (?) had bonded with them and it must be heartwrenching to all of you. I think a relationship would be good and we get together whenever we can and are 9 hours by car. We take turns driving or flying and mostly meet half way for a few nights in a hotel.Lots of phone calls and letters and emails too. Now he is old enough to do it himself, but we are all still friends. So we maintain a friendship in addition. JMO