[lovemy2boys]

I understand how painful it must be for his firstparents...but regardless of how it came to be, he is now your son and you shouldn't have to listen to things such as that.

I would certainly tell them that converstions like that are unacceptable and that in order for your OA to be a success, you all need to be on the same page for the sake of your child. I commend you on your composure and think it's great that you all are committed to maintaining an open adoption relationship, because it can't be easy for any of you (not the OA - the situation).

As for maintaining the OA, my oldest son's firstmom and her familly will most likely be moving to Hawaii because of her DH's military obligations...This will be very hard for our families, because we both have young children and it wont be so easy for us to take a 12 hour flight.

We will maintain our relationship via email, letters, pictures, calls, etc...I think I will buy her a web cam before she leaves so her and AJ can see each other that way...

If you plan visits, maybe you can meet in the middle sometimes. Good luck to you all!

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by goastros

I don't mind discussing their feelings but I don't want to be constantly harassed about whether I have changed my mind about giving him back or repeatedly told that we're not his parents.

Which is different than what you first said. You CAN set boundaries in ANY relationship. But they don't just magically set themselves. You have to do the uncomfortable work of deciding what is and is not appropriate and how to go about enforcing said boundaries. It's HARD work. I'm not sugar coating it. It's SUPER FREAKING HARD. But the rewards are worth it. Trust me.

[goastros]

Thanks everyone. We're definitely committed to making this work. I am hopeful that things will get better once we establish the boundaries. It's nice to get feedback from people that understand why we want it to stay open.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Best of luck as you find your way through this. There will be struggles and difficulty, of course, but it CAN work. Hang in!

[lonni]

"I understand how painful it must be for his firstparents...but regardless of how it came to be, he is now your son and you shouldn't have to listen to things such as that.

I would certainly tell them that converstions like that are unacceptable and that in order for your OA to be a success," love2boys said


It depends on the adoptive parent. I do listen to our son's parent's discuss regrets and grief. I can handle that and feel all children are "worthy" of being grieved over. It mattered plenty to me as an adoptee if my parent's grieved and had regrets or if they just skipped away without a second thought. When our son was older, his parent's did discuss this grief with him (he was 15) and it affirmed to him that it was not a
flip decision. JMO

Goastros, I think you want only the best for your son and will do just fine;~))

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by lonni

"I understand how painful it must be for his firstparents...but regardless of how it came to be, he is now your son and you shouldn't have to listen to things such as that.

I would certainly tell them that converstions like that are unacceptable and that in order for your OA to be a success," love2boys said


It depends on the adoptive parent. I do listen to our son's parent's discuss regrets and grief. I can handle that and feel all children are "worthy" of being grieved over. It mattered plenty to me as an adoptee if my parent's grieved and had regrets or if they just skipped away without a second thought. When our son was older, his parent's did discuss this grief with him (he was 15) and it affirmed to him that it was not a
flip decision. JMO

Goastros, I think you want only the best for your son and will do just fine;~))

I totally agree with you, lonni - when my boys' firstmoms grieve, I listen to them as well - and I try to understand to the best of my ability...and I know my children will appreciate both sets of their parents working together towards a healthy OA.

But I took the OP's posts as more than regrets from the firstparents - I took it as her saying that his firstfamily is truly asking for him back - not that they regret the circumstance...but that they want his aparents to give him back because they are his "real family" (to quote the OP).

Now, I don't know if this is the case - it's just the way I took it.

goastros - I'm sorry I went off topic since you weren't asking for advice about this but about how to maintain an OA from a distance...I just wanted to explain myself to lonni because I really am sympathetic to the pain that firstfamilies go through, and hoped I didn't come off as such.

[goastros]

Well, unfortunately it does not look like we will be able to move forward with a relationship at this point.

They are wanting to fight the adoption. It does not sound like they are willing to go to counseling or try to have a respectful relationship.

[loveajax]

I'm sorry to hear about this development, goastros. On what basis can they "fight" the adoption if it is finalized? What a tough situation...I am sorry.

[goastros]

I'm not sure what their grounds are--I'm sure if you have enough money you can pay an attorney to allege anything you want. We'll see.

[finallyamom0310]

Goastros,

My prayers are with you. I don't know what I would do if our DD Bmom suddenly contested the adoption. I know this is a fear I have had since the day we decided to adopt. Please keep us all up to date on the your struggle.