[leakaye]

Hi all,
I am a bmom, looking for advice from amoms!

I called the adoption agency that worked with our open adoption 6 years ago. I haven't spoken to them since the adoption until 2 months ago when I was looking for some birthparent support. I moved very far away after the placement of my son, and therefore I am unable to keep the 'open' adoption so open. Anyway, things have been ok between amom and myself after some problems 3 years ago. We seemed to be getting on the right track, and a wonderful phone conversation with amom 2 weeks ago confirmed my visit for this summer and all was well.
Until....the adoption agency decided to phone amom 5 days ago and tell her that I called them, (not saying when) saying I was upset because I wasn't receiving the amount of photos I was expecting. I had no idea that the adoption agency would do that, but they did! I thought my phone conversation was private and in confidence. I never mentioned I was upset about the lack of consistant photos, just mentioned that there was a lack of consistant photos as per our agreement.
So 3 days ago, I received, out of the blue, an email from amom telling me she would be on holiday during my visit. I replied saying I would work around their plans, no problem, but secretely thought there was something wrong as we confirmed the visit 2 weeks before on the phone. Then she replied saying she no longer wished to speak or visit with me and that I can talk to the adoption agency about the details.
So I did. I found out that the women I spoke to 2 months before at the agency passed on my details the the women (also a birthmom) who runs a support group. She decided to get involved (two months later) and call amom asking her why she hasn't kept up with the photos. This obviously upset amom so much that she decided not to speak with me anymore. I spoke with this women from the agency and wanted to know why they took it upon themselves to get involved. She said she was protecting me. I asked why she didn't call me first, she said she didn't have my phone number. She promised she would talk to amom and sort things out, apologising for mixing things up, but amom is not answering her calls and doesn't want to speak to me. I'm distraut, started smoking again and can't sleep. It's my worst nightmare come true, and I feel like it's all the agencies fault. I'm not sure what to do. If I call the agency and go crazy at them expressing my feelings, they may call amom and tell her I'm crazy. However if I don't make a big deal about their mistake, then how will this ever get sorted out? The one time I go to the agency for advice, they messed things up. How can I trust them to sort this all out? Should I write to amom myself and explain the situation?

Help? (bmoms and amoms alike) I hope to hear from you all!

very very very upset, L

[kelceesmom]

First I am sorry that this is happening to you. I am an amom but not really sure what you should do.

One part of me says go ahead and write a letter explaining everything that happened. But, will she even read it. Probably not at this point but you never know.

I would definately want to speak with whomever runs the agency and see what can be done and that this should never have happened in the first place. That they were way out of line and you came to them for support not to have them handle your situation.

Again, I am sorry and I hope you get much better advice from others on here as what to do.

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

I would write her a letter. She is more likely to read that then talk on the phone since she will not be put on the spot. I think you need to address this and not let it fester.

Good luck,

Kay

[loveajax]

Do you have amom's address? I think a letter explaining what happened might be helpful. To tell you the truth (I am in an OA with DD's birth mom), if I heard something from the agency rather than DD's birth mom, it might tick me off (I know you are not responsible for this). I'm not saying this should cause her to cancel your planned visit, though, but I don't know exactly what the agency said to her.

I want to "throttle" your agency. Seriously. I think what they did is sooooo rude and unethical. I think I would call whoever regulates agencies/social workers.

I hope this can get sorted out. Hang in there....

[bajj]

I, too, am sorry you are having to go through this. I agree with writing a letter explaining things.

I hope this gets resolved soon so you can enjoy your upcoming visit.

((((hugs))))

[leakaye]

Just wanted to let you know that I wrote an email to amom, and she and I have decided to formaly complain to the management about this situation. They are taking action. But amom is so angry with them. She seems to have a lot of anger inside. She said she wants the womens head on a stick. Harsh. Our visit is now rescheduled. Thank God!
Thanks for all your advice. It's been hard this last week, but I got the courage to finally email her and all is well now.
x

[kelceesmom]

Glad to hear you are slowly resolving the situation.

[loveajax]

good news, leakaye!

[thanksgivingmom]

Thank God Leakaye!! Please keep us updated with whatever action is taken at the agency. I'm very interested in how they'll handle this HUGE error.

[finallyamom0310]

I was so glad as I am reading this to know that you actually talked to the amom. I know if I heard something from the agency and not the bmom, I might not be able to talk to her on the phone about it but would definately talk via email where my words could not hurt as much.